《SOLAR INSTAFAMOUS !》004 | selfie
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Laaa laju benar anda ke sini? Rindu aku la tu haha.
By the way, sebelum kau orang baca, baik tekan butang vote tu dulu sebelum aku sental muka kau guna dynamo. Eh, takut ke? Janganlah nanges weh kurang manis muka kau aku tengok. Eh sejak bila muka kau manis ni.
Okeh, aku tau korang yang baca ni semua segan tengok aku yang hot and spicy ni tiba-tiba cam flirt korang but hey please no. Aku bagi ayat ni pun tengah tunggu korang yang entah bila lagilah nak follow ig aku.
Sebelum aku mulakan cerita, aku nak cakap sesuatu.
Cereal tak?
Eh.
Curious* apa bengap aku ni.
Nak tau tak?
Jawab nak dulu baru leh.
Tak nak? Haa tak nak la cakap.
Tapi kenapa still scroll? Nak la tu. Tsundere betul.
Ok, aku cakap.
Sesuatu.
Haha aku taulah tak lawak tapi tolong la gelak sikit. Kesian kat aku ni.
But it's okay, bukannya aku peduli. Berbalik ke pangkal jalan semula, so cam title atas tu, popularity aku akan meningkat bila aku post muka aku sendiri. Sebenarnya aku pernah buat cara ni tapi selalu tak jadi. Alhamdulillah, dapat pakej kecaman orang lagi.
Weh korang nak dengar cerita dongeng tak? Ni bukan cerita Cinderella yang kejam selalu buli mak dan kakak tirinya tu, ni bukan jugak kisah Snow White yang kena makan hidup-hidup oleh tujuh orang bunian.
Ni cerita lagi dongeng. Aku pernah jadi femes.
Haha tak caya ke? Baik korang caya sebelum aku tumbuk rahang sorang satu sampai pecah.
Weh gurau je. Aku garu ketiak kat sini pun takde sudi pandang, apatah lagi nak tumbuk korang.
Okey, kita berbalik semula ke pangkal bintang.
Dulu aku pernah jadi femes.
Waktu tu Duri ambil gambar aku dan postkan kat ig. Punyalah bangga masa tu siap nak bagi hadiah beg kulit kijang lagi, rupanya Duri baik hati sangat tolong editkan muka aku macam anjing. Dah la ramai like. Hampas.
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sayatoyolyangcomel HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HARAM SUNGGUH MUKA MU SOLAR
FatImImImImi dia najis mughalazah ke gais? @hoiywak ?
hoiywak entah la weh, berdekah aku kat sini. Mak aku pun dah tutup hidung hidu kentut aku.
FatImImImImi AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA weh pengotor kau
Inilah dia komen-komen yang kacang bertuah ya anak-anak. Alhamdulillah, masih segar di ingatan walaupun aku cuba nak lupakan.
Jadi dari situlah, aku haramkan Duri sentuh mana-mana gajet aku. Haha padan muka. Malukan aku lagi.
Okey, sekarang kita cuba jayakan misi kali ni.
Aku pergi luar diikuti suster ngesot yang terberak-berak tengah kejar dari belakang. Kau gaka, background mana sesuati untuk aku berselfie weh?
Korang ada cadangan ke? Ke cadangan korang pun takleh pakai?
Sasaran aku ialah bilik Gempa. Yalah, kan bilik Gempa satu-satunya bilik paling kemas dalam rumah rongak setengah ni. Yang lain semua bilik macam tempat pelupusan sampah.
Krekkk...
Tak. Tu bukan bunyi pintu dibuka. Tu bunyi kentut Gempa.
''Hai Solar? Siapa perempuan belakang kau tu?'' sapa Gempa ceria. Suster ngesot ku lihat hanya tersipu-sipu. Malulah tu.
''Entah, tak kenal. By the way boleh pinjam bilik kau? Nak ambik gambar sat.'' Aku kata tanpa tunggu balasan Gempa. Cepat saja pintu itu direntap dan tercabut sekelip mata.
Wah! Amazon gile bilik ni! Cantik beb cantik.
Langsir bilik Gempa terkoyak-koyak. Nampak sangat tak cukup duit nak beli baru. Lampu bilik dia pula Alhamdulillah selamat innalillah. Aku rasa nak call ahli forensik pulak bila nampak ada kesan tembakan dan darah merata-rata. Tapi aku malas.
''Tu bukan darah. Tu sos tomato,'' tiba-tiba Gempa menjawab. Tak tanya pun.
''Oh ok.'' Aku sudah siap berposing ala-ala Rowan Atkinson depan kamera. Background yang ku pilih adalah dinding putih bersama dengan tubuh yang dilitupi kain kafan sebelah sambil buat gaya peace.
Kcak!
Gambar kami akhirnya siap diambil. Akan aku hantar gambar-gambar tu kepada pocong kat sebelah dalam whatsapp dengan janji, dia akan follow ig aku. Alhamdulillah, dapat jugaklah satu follower.
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''Aku pun nak selfie.'' Walaupun nada Gempa kedengaran berbisik, tapi aku yakin suara tu datang dari siling bilik.
Aku pandang Gempa yang tengah bergayut atas kipas siling dengan suster ngesot buat muka comel depan aku. Terpaksalah dengan kurang rela, kami berempat mengambil gambar lagi.
''Awww... berminyaknya muka I. Tak maulah! Ambil gambar lagi sekali!'' Awwww gediknya Gempa di sini. Almaklum baru berjangkit dari suster ngesot.
''Yalah, yalah,'' pasrah nada aku.
Gambar ketiga diambil.
''Pocong, kenapa tak buat gaya peace? Kena ambik gambar sekali lagilah nampaknya!''
''Tangan saya kan berbalut.'' Sayu saja pocong itu bersuara.
Gambar keempat diambil.
''Suster ngesot! Kau pahal buat muka huduh namati tu?!'' -Gempa, menjerit.
''Muka saya memang hodoh kak.''
''Meh aku tepek bedak sikit kat muka kau. Cacat penglihatan aku tengok muka sehodoh ni.'' -Gempa, ambil bedak.
''Kau simpan kosmetik, Gem?'' -Solar
''Tu raju punya. Dia minta aku simpan.'' -Gempa
''Kalau raju punya, kenapa kau guna?'' -Solar
''Shhh Raju tak tahu.'' -Gempa
Gambar kelima diambil.
''Weh Solar? Kenapa senyum macam tu?'' -Suster ngesot
''Apa? Aku memang senyum macam nilah.'' -Solar
''Tak, maksud aku kenapa kau buat senyuman yang menggoda tu? Fuh, cair aku. Jantung aku pun berdegup kencang macam Ferrari tercabut butang brek.'' -Suster ngesot
''Kau tak tengok cermin ke tadi?'' -Solar
''Jahat kau.'' -Suster ngesot
Berlanjutlah sesi bergambar dan akhirnya gambar-gambar tu semua takleh pakai. Semua jadi sampah. Jadi apa function aku ambik gambar tadi?
Ikutkan rancangan awal, aku selfie sorang diri je. Mana datangnya manusia-manusia penyibuk tu?
Rancangan aku diakhiri dengannampaknya.
____________________
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