《You, since forever》Chapter 16
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After that eventful night Haya saw less of Taimoor. Her heart ached for the loss of him. She felt like a jerk for not giving him a chance to explain. Her sanity was pleading her to give him a chance, to go after him. To seek him out but her ego was stopping her. Her ego which she thought was her self-respect.
She hadn't slept properly since that day. Her anxious mind which was filled with questions kept her wide awake.
On day one she blamed Taimoor. For everything . For lying to her, for not telling her about the bet , for betting on her in the first place. She spent all the day in anger and fury, hating on Taimoor. Why did he do this? Why break her heart after mending it . Why? She spent the day as she remembered all the bad things he had said to her in childhood, reminiscing all the disgusted looks he had passed her.
On the day two ,after she cooled down, she began missing him. He avoided her like plague. And even though that was what she wanted ,she missed him. Day 2 was spent reminiscing all the good things. How he had looked after her when she was abandoned by everyone. At the dinner table , when she sat with everyone and had to ask Aiman Appa to pass the dish that contained biryani , she realized that never before she had to ask someone at the table to pass her the dishes which were out of reach. Taimoor used to place it infront of her without her asking for it. The small things he did for her came to her which she had ignored on the first hand, making her all sad and miserable.
On the third day Haya was sinking in the river of misery and loneliness she had created around herself. By third day she had realized how wrong she was to burst on Taimoor. God, she hadn't even given him a chance to complete his sentence. And the more she thought about that night the more guilty she felt. She should have allowed him to atleast complete whatever he was saying. What would he have said ? That you are nothing more but a bet. Her conscious rebuked the idea of him feeling guilty or apologetic for the bet. And that was what her inner voice had been doing whenever she decided to seek Taimoor out.
Her heart argued that he wasn't that cruel, her inner voice kept fighting her heart. And the tyranny was in the fact that her inner voice kept winning against her heart.
By the end of third day her mind was fogged by questions. Was he really going to divorce her ? He hadn't said 'yes' but he did say that he was going to give 'that' to her. What was that ? She had asked for the divorce. Did he mean divorce ? Chor day ga kya who mujhe ? (Is he really going to leave me ?) It was a question which had taken refuge in her mind.
While nights were spent in the fear of him leaving her, her days were spent missing him miserably. Haya spent the days lost in her thoughts, dreading her future. She knew her parents would now accept her with open arms if Taimoor left her . The truth had come out, that too thanks too Taimoor.
Hell and Damnation, she loved him despite everything. She didn't want to leave him , ever. Why did I ask for divorce? Why did he agree? Does he want to get rid of me ? But then it was you, who brought divorce up ! Secondly did he not tell you , to find him when you are ready to listen! Last time he had erupted when she had mentioned divorce. This time, he hadn't pledged something like 'never in a million year'. Her mental debate continued.
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Haya was lost in her thoughts, this time when she was reminiscing that night, she was hating on her being over dramatic self . God, she didn't want divorce. She was ready to forgive him. But the 'D' word had left her mouth . Haya remembered all those Hazrat Ali(A.S) quotes she had read on Pinterest about anger management . She regretted not following them. If only she had paid any heed to the quote that said " She won't be sitting on the bed alone and regretting everything she had said especially the part where she had asked for divorce. What if Taimoor too got angry and had decided to divorce her? Her fear was eating her. There was another quote of Hazrat Ali (A.S) , Haya hoped that Taimoor knew of that and practiced that . Because being a Muslim, it was a done deal. Once he divorced her, she couldn't marry him again.
Three days had passed since she had told him that she didn't want him around. And from that day onwards, Taimoor came in the room after she slept and left before she got up or slept in study. He kept ignoring her and avoiding her. She had wanted that .Hadn't she ? She had asked for that . Then why was she missing him? Why was she feeling sad? Why ?
She missed his smart-ass replies. She missed those eyes contact they made from across the room. She missed those understanding glances they shared when Aiman appa , bossed around like a angry house wife. She missed his smiles. She missed leaning into him, while he held her shoulders in a protective manner. She missed everything. There little chats which turned into arguments, or his flirty side which she was exploring lately.
Haya wasn't aware of how Taimoor had defended her and brought justice to her until a day ago. And she would never had known it if Aiman appa hadn't confided. Now that she knew how Taimoor had pleaded her case and made her parents and everyone realize that she wasn't the guilty one. That she was the victim, how could she not respect him and love him? He had gotten her family back, no wonder that night her mother had come to inquire about her. How could she not be in love with him? He was the one who had always rescued her. Be it from the weird creep Afnan , or from the Salman , from her father's wrath, Taimoor had been the one who had gallantly rescued her. She didn't care whatever reason he had for that. Atleast her heart didn't . Her heart which was blind to everything but him!
Falling out of love is easy when you are on the stage on called 'PYAR'. Pyar ajj hai , kaal nai ho ga. (It is here today wont be there tomorrow. ) When you are in 'pyar' , it just takes one mistake, one action ,on wound to turn one's heart cold. When you are in 'pyar' moving on is easy. Moving on is an option available.
But when it comes to Mohabaat , you are ready to accept all the evil vices that are coming with the person. You are ready to pardon all those gunnahs(Sins) by labeling them as ghalti(mistakes). Forgiveness comes from within. Aur Haya ko Taimoor say Mohabat the.(And Haya was in Mohabbat with Taimoor.)
"Haya, yeh Taimoor kya keh raha hai? Woh wapis Islamabad ja raha hai Valimay k bad.(Haya what is Taimoor saying, he is going back after Valima)" Ammi asked pulling her back to the world .
What did he mean after Valimay ? It was Valima today. When was he leaving ? After as in immediately after Valima ceremony or a few days later. Her anxious heart filled with question she wanted to ask but she decided against asking them.
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"Ammi, main kya keh sakti hoon. Koi kaam ho ga"(What can I say? There may be some work)" Haya replied as she busied herself braiding Ferozey's hair who had just came , rushing to her with a hairbrush and hair bands. It was better to focus her energies and thoughts on Ferozey's hair rather than look into her mother in law's eye who understood her like a mother.
"Tu beta ,tum uskay sath kyun nai ja rahi?(Then beta why aren't you going with him )" She asked. And Haya froze with shock. He was really leaving her. He had told his mother that he was going to Islamabad. And that too that Haya wasn't going. She wanted to cry. He hadn't told her. Haya felt her heart sink. He is leaving. She kept repeating that statement like a mantra in her heart which had refused to believe that he was leaving her.
She didn't have the answer to the question Ammi had just asked. Or she did? Wasn't she was the one who had asked him to leave her for good.
Realizing that her mother in law was waiting for her response, Haya lied. "App aur abbu akelay ho jain gay. Saman bhi chali gae hai.Udass ho jaen gay is baray say akelay ghar main. (You and Abbu are going to be alone. Saman is also not here. It would get melancholy in this huge house.) " Haya replied nonchalantly.
She had asked Taimoor to leave her and he did deserve it after betraying her like that . Then why in the God's name she felt as if something precious was slipping out of her hands. And she was the one to blame.
"Main aur tumharay abu ek dosray k sath hoon ge, akelay kahan hoon gay.(I and your father in law are going to be together . We wont be alone.)" Ammi replied as she gave Haya a kind smile." Ammi, baad main dekhain gay.(Ammi, we'll look into it , later) " Haya replied as she tied a band in Ferozey's hair to secure the slightly crooked French braid she had just made and Ferozey ran to the nearest mirror to get a look.
God, she had imagined her and Taimoor to be like her Ammi and Abu . Ami and Abbu who were still so in love, who didn't need anyone else's company until they both were together. They would sneak out at night like youngster to go eat ice-cream, despite Ammi refusing to go and complaining about Abu's high sugar level. God , she wanted and had hoped for a future like that.
After that Haya spent whole day thinking about the conversation she had with her mother in law in the morning. Taimoor was leaving and he hadn't even told her. Why would he tell you that? For that he'd have to come in-front of you and his face creep you out. Her alter ego mocked her.
"Earth to Haya !" Aiman appa called . "Jee !" Haya replied as her cheeks got red with embarrassment. She had again zoned out. "Haya, Valima hai ajj yaar. Jao tyar ho ! Abhi taka se he bheti ho" (It's valima today , go get ready.) said her sister in law who was wearing a silver shaffon sari which had mirror work on it. Her hair were tied in a bun as she looked at Haya with shock and a little disappointment.
In her pool of misery, she had completely forgot that it was Saman's valima and now she was late .
Haya was going to wear a maroon saree which was the theme for the valima function. Because she had wasted time wondering about her future and fretting about it ,Haya was late. Her hair were left and makeup too. It was a good thing that she had showered in afternoon to calm her nerves. Otherwise , she'd have one more thing on her to-do-list.
"Haya, I and Uzair are leaving with Ammi and Abu for the hall. Taimoor is late too. You guys can follow later." Aiman appa said as she left Haya to get ready.
They were leaving, it meant she couldn't accompany them and like Aiman appa had said she would have to go with Taimoor. Now it was another thing to wonder about and get anxious about.
Haya wore a marron shaffon saree. Her blouse was studded with maroon beads to form small flowers on it. She left her hair open in a lose waves and did smokey eyes. Her eyes had dark circles, the raccoon eyes she did were a great camouflage.
After good 30 minutes, Haya was standing on the top of the stairs. She looked down to find standing at the foot of the stairs, leaning against the wooden railing for support. He was talking to someone on phone.
The moment she raised her head up she was she was struck with full force by the sight of him that too unprepared. Dark hair, those perfect cheekbones which were now bare of stubble and a mouth so perfect that she felt like betraying her moral fiber just to bite into it. Haya's heart had kicked up into her throat as she admired him.
When did he shave? God, why doesn't he not look scarped and have this baby skin like her brother had when he shaved? Maybe he had shaved two days ago. God, damn he had to shave ! I loved the feel of his stubble against my cheeks.
Although she had preferred his stubble , she couldn't say that she was disappointed with the outcome. Because clean- shaven Taimoor had managed to rob off her breath. It highlighted his cheekbones and that jaw. God, he had a strong jaw structure.
The closer she got to him , the better he looked. Taimoor in the black tailor-made suit which fitted him perfectly would make a perfect salesman for 2nd hand , used stuff. He would seduce the buyers into buying something they didn't want without assessing the drawbacks. Statistically speaking women who shopped more, would be floored by the sight of him and before they saw it coming they'd be home with a a cat licker when don't even own a cat , or a stupid key organizer when the only key they are in possession of is the home key. They would legit have no chance against him. Was it a good thing that he wasn't in Marketing department? Good for the buyers atleast. Haya could only imagine how many would have mutilated their pockets if he was in marketing department.
Her eyes , traveled up and down his body taking him in. It felt like ages, since she had last seen him. And truth be told she had missed him . He was talking on phone and didn't acknowledge her presence at all. With one hand in his pocket while with the other he held the phone whispering into it. He was smiling at something , the other person said and all Haya could think was "Smile like that when you look at me".
Haya was lost in her thoughts while she descended the stairs that it was a wonder how she hadn't tripped. The fact that she was clumsy , then she was wearing a saree and on the top of that she wasn't even paying attention where she was headed too. She was just so lost . On reaching the foot of stair Haya recited Alhumdulilah. Alhumdililah it would suck if I'd be sprawled on the ground like the Bhabhi (deedi) from Hum apkay hain kaun !
How was he smiling? Haya thought. She hadn't smiled since the day truth came out. He was acting as if he was at peace . And maybe he was . Maybe he was at peace and maybe he was happy that the shit show was finally over.
Haya stood there looking at him . The man she loved so much that she was ready to forgive him. The man who didn't love her back , who only considered her a conquest.
ہم نے مانا کہ تغافل نہ کرو گے لیکن
خاک ہو جاییں گے ہم تم کو خبر ہونے تک
(Hum nay mana keh tagaful na karo gay lekin
Khakh ho jaen gay hum tum ko khabr honay tak )
{This one is from Galib's ghazal "Ahh ko chaiye"}
Taimoor disconnected the call , looking up he found Haya staring at him and his smile disappeared. He knew she was standing there, he had felt her presence and her eyes on himself. But her words kept ringing in his head asking him to avoid looking at her. He was trying his best to avoid her, hoping that she would finally come to her senses. But she hadn't . Now too she just stood there looking so divine in that maroon saree . Staring at him with those huge brown doe eyes, unbinding him , making him want to lose control.
Not a word was said between them. Looks were exchanged but both of them decided to stay silent fearing if they said anything , they'd say too much.
Taimoor held the done open for her as she sat inside the car. The ride to the reception was a silent one. Haya stole glances at him. The silence was killing her. She wasn't sorry for what she had said. At-least that was what she told herself and claimed. But who was she lying too? She was sorry even though she though she shouldn't be.
That was how Haya was. She would get emotional and then she'd say shit, she didn't mean. And that day she had discovered she was just a bet to a man she loved irrevocably and unconditionally . She had to react. How could he do it?
Finally deciding to break that deafening the silence , she whispered "You are leaving?" She asked. "Yes" he replied curtly as he stared at the road ahead which was deserted like her lonely heart. Nothing more , just a yes. Not even a 'that's what you wanted' He was giving her a silent treatment. Ignoring her and she was feeling bad. Being ignored had never settled well with her. She hated being the center of attention of the general public. But she loathed being ignored by the people she loved more than the being center of attention.
"When are you leaving? " she asked looking at him. But he just continued to stare at the road as if they'd crash if he spared a glance in her direction. "15th of June " he replies. It was two days from now. Haya felt her heart drop. It suddenly became so melancholy. She realized she loved him alot. Enough to forgive him . It didn't matter if she was only a bet. It didn't matter that he hated her. ONLY thing that was important was that she loved him. Loved him so much that she would settle for the hateful glances if it meant he would look her way. She loved him so much that she rather be a bet to him than being no one to him. She didn't know how or when he had become this important.
"Don't expect me to apologize. " She said gazing at his beautiful face. Deep lines appeared on his forehead. And his expression got a little more serious. "I never did." He said as he stopped the car. They were at the reception hall. Getting down Haya went inside while Taimoor sped away in the parking lot.
The fact that he didn't expect her to apologize was unsettling. In her mind she knew that she had crossed a line that day. She had gone straight out and asked for divorce. Now that was something she should be apologizing for and he should be the one expecting it. But he didn't. Why ????
Inside the hall , Haya was greeted by the smiling couple who sat at the stage . Saman was wearing a pastel pink designer gown which was embellished with beads and pearls while Zain bhai matched his blue checked suit with her dress using the pink tie and pocket cloth. They looked happy. MashAllah
"Bhabhi, " Saman said as she took Haya in a bone crushing hug. "MashAllah look at you too. Nazar na lagae(May you be protected from evil eyes) ." Haya said and Saman blushed. "Bhai ", she asked, and Haya floats here hand around the hall ,gesturing that he is around.
Getting down from the stage , Haya spotted Tai Ammi and she shivered with disgust. She was glaring at Haya . If looks could kill ,she would have been dead by now. And that death would be an easy one. Haya was shaking with fear. She felt unsafe, even with in a room full of people. Seeing Tai Ammi again, brought back all the memories she was trying so hard to block. They made her uncomfortable. It was becoming difficult to breathe as the room began spinning. Her chest rose and fell rapidly while she stood there rooted to her spot when she felt a hand around her shoulder . She was cold with fear.
Looking at her side ,she found Taimoor who was standing beside her smiling at some guest. With his arm around her and she tugged to his side , she felt safe. She didn't know why but she did. She always had. His arms , which were always there to catch her when she was falling. His arm that made her feel safe.
Haya had read it somewhere on Pinterest that go for the man who's touch makes you feel warm safe and protected and not the man who's touch makes you feel giddy and excited while you hearts beats faster. But god help her Taimoor's touch made her feel warm and secure and pulled her heartstrings at the same time. What kind of a wrong signal it was ? Now was she supposed to hold on to him forever or was she supposed to let go! It was a debate she was going to continue at night when she sat in her bed.
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