Sorry, had to publish it again, it had a glitch to it

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I'm missing my mom like crazy.

We had company over today, and the family friend is a mom, the guys went out to town and we were left alone.

My mom and I loved music, I would show her new music everyday. It was something we loved and talked about.

My dad doesn't like the music I like, so I don't show him it. I don't have anyone to show or talk about it irl, and today I showed the family friend my favorite bands.

(Which is Palaye Royale, the best band alive and nobody can tell me otherwise. Fever dream is on repeat 24/7.)

She told me she loved them.

Which made me think of my mom, since she would've loved this band.

But, after they left, I remembered all the times I saw my mom's face light up when I showed her a new song, or jammed out to our favorites.

I'm not a very emotional person, but that hit me so hard. You know they're dead, and won't come back, and you won't have any more memories to make.

I won't get to see her until I'm in heaven too, I know I could die at any moment, but that seems so long without my mom. We had a different relationship than most of my friends have, we were friends. Kinda like Rory and Lorelei from Gilmore Girls. We didn't hate each other. And all these new bands she would've loved to hear, it reminds me so much of her. I can't show them to her, I can't tell her how much I love this band, or what I learned today.

Nothing. I can't talk to her. I don't want her dead, but she is. And I can't do anything to reverse it. That's what hurts the most.

I thought I would be okay, I thought if I ignored my grief it would just go away. But it didn't. It won't go away and the more and more I think about it, the more it hurts.

I'm jealous of my friends, they're having fun and making memories with their mom, while I feel like I didn't get enough time with my mom.

And it's not fair. I want her to be here with me, I want her to tell me how awful my cooking is. I feel like she got taken away from me too early.

It's been a long 8 months without her here, I miss her a lot and things just don't feel real.

Heck, I don't even feel real. How can that be a feeling? Am I just going crazy? This grief stuff is messing with my head. I want things to be normal again, but I guess I'm in the same boat as everyone else wishing they could change the past

-R