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[anya]

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i saw the pictures.

they came out shortly after i saw shawns missed call the following morning, along with the title 'Shawn Mendes gets cozy with girl on the side!', and let me tell you, when i saw that kiss, my heart shattered.

he told me that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, he's been telling me every single day how he's committed to me, he wrote to me how he can't wait to see me, can't wait to kiss me, hold me, wipe away my tears when i'm clutching onto his hand for pain relief, see me hold our baby girl.

i thought he was committed, i thought we were something he would fight for. i thought he cared about me. i thought he wanted to start a life with me for me, not just for the baby.

"jasmine, p-please, come pick me up, i-i'm packing my stuff i-i just need to get out of here," i say, my mind in a panic, as tears pour out of my eyes. "god, i knew i should have just seen the warning signs! he talked about her whenever we were on the phone, who knows how long this has been going on for?" i cry, letting a choke pass my lips.

"anya, you need to calm down, i'm getting in my car now, okay? stay with me for as long as you want, but are you sure you want to leave? you should at least give shawn the chance to expain," jasmine tells me softly. "stay calm, babe."

"y-you're right, what am i doing? i need to let him explain," i mumble, placing a hand on my bump, sniffling loudly. "m-maybe it's nothing-"

"oh it's not nothing," i hear from the other side of the phone. "jasmine, you need to pick her up and bring her here, now."

"w-what's going on?" i ask, confusion running through me, and a certain feeling of unease enveloping the air around me. "what's poppy saying?"

"i-" jasmine begins, cutting herself off. "pack as much as you can, i'm on my way."

"jas, what happened?" i ask, wiping my cheeks. "jas please, tell me. i'm not leaving till you tell me what's going on."

"that sydney girl posted on her insta story, she has hickeys all over her neck, and it looks like she's in shawns room because there's a fucking guitar in the corner." she says quickly, making my heart sink. "get your stuff together, i'm on my way." she hangs up quickly, leaving me surrounded by an eerie silence.

it felt too quiet, too alone, too inhumane to my normal life. it suddenly felt cold, and uninviting in shawns condo which i found the complete opposite, and the musical, open plan living area turned silent.

i really thought i meant something to him.

i know i should hear him out, and i know i should stay to see him at least, but the pain kept me from doing the smart option. i didn't even know the full story, but god did it hurt. i know that i should be the bigger person and wait till shawn comes back, but it hurt too much. i couldn't stand being in the condo for a moment longer.

my hands fumble around my area of the closet we shared, pulling out as many clothes as i could, dumping them into the open suitcase on the bed, my body feeling numb to everything. i threw a few things for avery in the case too, before piling most of my toiletries and other items in, not bothering to make it neat.

i had to get out of there. it was driving me crazy.

i zip up the case, pulling it off the bed with all the strength i had left in me, dragging it out quickly, the craving to leave eating me alive. i race to the door, chucking my set of keys from the little bowl next to the front door, seeing the photo of shawn and i from years ago right above the little table. my heart clenches, and i slow myself down, picking up the frame from the wall, tracing shawns face with my thumb.

"why?" i whisper, the tears flooding my eyes once more, one drop landing on the picture frame.

the door clicks.

frightened, i drop the frame down in shock, seeing shawn opening the large white door. he seems delirious, as he looks around, his eyes finally landing on me, and the suitcase behind me. his face forms into an epiphany of confusion, sadness laced behind his tired eyes, and a slight aura of fear over his features.

"a-anya?" he stutters, his voice cracking. "w-what are you doing?"

"i-"

"no baby, n-no please, no," he begs, his eyes filling with tears. "tell me you just brought that in, a-and you're not leaving i-"

"i'm s-sorry-"

"no- anya-" he chokes, a tear rolling down his cheek. "p-please don't leave me-"

"no!" i scream, the anger hitting me right in the face, making shawn jump in shock. "i trusted you!"

"you can't leave me!" he says, reaching for my hands.

"watch me," i spit, seeing jasmine at the doorway, her eyes wide.

"hunny please," he begs, his eyes beady and tear filled, making me want to do nothing more than wrap my arms around him and hold him close to me. "please."

"goodbye, shawn," i mutter, dragging my suitcase past him, trying my hardest to not look back. jasmine grabs my suitcase, and turns around to face shawn.

"you fucked up, i hope you're happy," she shoots at him, dragging my suitcase to me, as we walk down the corridor to the elevator.

he didn't even bother to yell for me to stay.

-

i didn't really understand what it meant to truly be falling for someone until shawn. yeah, i had jason, but that was more of a small childhood crush, it wasn't anything serious, and it definitely wasn't a relationship i would see going on post 20 years old. but shawn, oh shawn. not only was he the father of my child, but he was one of the most important people in my life, and i needed him to even stay sane.

it all seemed so innocent - he would say words of endearment to me right before he had a show, or he got on a flight, or as they were getting off the tour bus, or if he just had some spare time. whatever he saw that was in any way interesting, he sent me a picture, facetimed me, filmed it and sent it to me when he had the chance - he would make sure that i felt like i was there.

used isn't the only word i feel right now.

but i have a baby shower to attend, and it's killing me that shawn isn't here to get ready with me.

he would have held my bump in his hands, sung softly to avery, trying to get her to calm down because i needed to be comfortable. he would have helped me put my shoes on, since i can't even see my feet. he would help me do my dress up, he would drown me in terms of adoration, and would never stop calling me beautiful. he would give me the glow i needed to get through the day. he was the light in the dark that i needed to get through this pregnancy, and now that i'm so close to the end, i want him more than anything, even after what he did.

"hey," poppy says softly, shutting the guest room door behind her. "are you ready, girly?"

"i guess," i mumble, sitting down on the bed and looking at my lap, my silky floral dress pooling just below my knees. "are karen and manny here yet?"

"yeah, they just came. aaliyah's here too," she says, taking a seat next to me, holding onto one of my hands. "i know you want him here."

"i need him, poppy," i say sadly, my voice cracking. "how the heck am i supposed to face our family and friends without him, when they all think we're a damn couple?"

"they won't judge you, plus everyone knows what happened."

"and shawn's parents! how the fuck am i supposed to face them knowing i left their son, taking their grandchild with me?" i exclaim, tears pooling in my eyes. "i can't do this, i need him here."

"do you want me to call him?"

"jasmine will kill you," i mutter. "i need him, but i don't want to see him."

"maybe there's more-"

"and i want to believe that so badly, but you weren't here when he came back. he didn't even bother to make me stay after i left the condo, if that doesn't show guilt, then what does? he didn't even deny it," i mumble, letting a tear roll down my cheek. "god, what am i doing? everything was so good last week, and now everything's fucked up."

"knock knock," i hear gently, making my head snap up at the closed door. "hey anya, it's me, aaliyah. can i come in?" poppy looks at me and i nod quickly, wiping my tears away, sniffling softly.

"y-yeah!" i say, as she opens up the door, poppy standing up immediately and quickly leaving the room, giving us some privacy.

"i know my brothers not here, and i know what he did, he hasn't said anything to me about it, but i'm here, and i'll help you through this," she says to me, taking poppy's place. "i'm not letting you be upset over my damn brother."

"don't insult him, liyah," i say softly, a sad smile leaving my lips. "thank you, though. i need someone close to him here."

"i didn't realise how much you cared about him," she says, slightly optimistic. "i don't get it, why would he do that when he's so crazy about you? you don't even understand how many times i've had to hear him go on about you for an entire hour, and how he was gonna ask you to be his girlfriend."

"i know, he told me every day on the phone that he was gonna ask me to be his girl the minute he got back," i chuckle sadly, the tears pooling at my eyes again.

"god, you should hear how he was gonna ask," she smiles. "in amsterdam, he found this little boutique store, he bought you some wooden tulips, wrapped up in this beautiful little dress, god he was going to light candles, he bought you a freaking star, you and avery," she tells me. "he was gonna surprise you at the baby shower with it all, saying there was one more gift. he bought you a telescope too, and all the clothes and toys he bought avery- oh anya, he's so excited." my heart swells then sinks, as i choke out a small cry that i didn't realise i was holding. "you know he's waiting in his car at the top of the road? he dropped me off. he told me he was gonna sit for a bit."

"h-he is?"

"yeah," aaliyah nods. "be honest, do you want him here?"

i bite my lip, looking back down at my lap. time to be honest with yourself, anya.

"y-yeah," i nod, sniffling softly. "i need him."

"i'll go tell him, okay?" i nod again, wiping my cheeks once more. "now you go get you and your baby downstairs, everyone can't wait to see you. even if things turn to crap with shawn, we've all got your back. you're not gonna be alone, not matter what."

"thank you so much," i say, my heart completely breaking as i embrace someone like a sister to me. "love you."

"love you more," she replies, standing up with me, and following me downstairs, both of us being greeted by friends and family, who are all eagerly chattering around the decorated lounge and kitchen.

"and shes here!" jasmine grins, holding up a glass of champagne, and rushing over to me, giving me a quick side hug. "you doing good, sweetie?"

"yeah," i nod, feeling a little bit more positive about things. "let's get this party started, i need some happiness."

"anya!" i hear, as i quickly turn around, seeing shawn's parents standing next to the makeshift bar. "hey sweetheart," karen says to me, throwing her arms around me. "how are you doing?"

"in a little pain, if i'm honest," i chuckle softly, rubbing my back after i greet manny. "karen, manny i-"

"don't apologise for anything anya," karen tells me, placing her hands on my arms. "shawn's a complete mess, yeah, but he must have done something wrong for you to be as upset as you are, so i'll give him the disappointed mothers talk," she says to me, making me chuckle slightly. "whatever happens between you and shawn, you will always have our supprt. i assure you with that."

"thank you," i mumble, embracing her in another hug. "i-i'm gonna talk to shawn today."

"he's coming?" manny asks me. i nod.

"aaliyah's just gone to get him. he's still sitting in his car apparently," i say, gulping down my breaths. "i need to hear him out, and i need him here for this. i can't do it alone."

"i've always said this to him, you've always had a special place in his heart," manny says to me. "and you're basically our second daughter now, so if we need to tell him off, tell us."

"i will," i chuckle softly, embracing the two of them again. "okay, i'm gonna go mingle before shawn turns up. thank you so much for everything." they say a few kind words to me, before i walk away, going to find my parents, who are chatting to brian and andrew.

"mum, dad," i say, getting the attention of all four of them.

"oh honey," my mum says, immediately throwing her arms around me. "you look beautiful."

"thanks mum," i say softly back, shutting my eyes and settling into her embrace that i needed greatly. "uh, shawn's coming today."

"shawn's coming?" my dad asks me, his face visibly angry.

"yeah- dad listen, don't snap at him. treat him with the support you've been giving him since we found out i was pregnant, i don't want anyone jumping on him till i've heard what happened from him and him only," i say, affirming myself and shawn, and preventing shawn from getting a punch today.

"it's all a lie, anya, believe me," brian tells me, greeting me with a quick hug. "that girl was obsessed with him, i'm not even joking."

"i have to agree on that," gerty says. "he was kind of scared of her if i'm honest."

"did she have a damn hickey?" i ask softly to brian, leaning up to his ear.

"i-" he cuts himself off, sighing. "she did, but i don't think it's from shawn. i got into the suite literally five minutes after he came back with sydney, he was so shaken up." i suddenly feel bad. i didn't even give shawn a chance to explain himself, and i should have. i insulted him, and i probably made fun of him for something he probably didn't even do.

"really?"

"i thought he was going to have an anxiety attack, i haven't seen him like that for a while," he admits. "take it easy on him when you talk, yeah? i think something else happened at night too, but he wouldn't tell me anything."

"yeah, i will," i mumble. "brian, i feel so bad," i say softly, as he sighs, dragging me to a quiet corner.

"don't. seriously don't. you have every right to do what you did, and shawn knows that. from your perspective, you saw something different, and i'm not gonna lie from those pictures so did i, but i think shawns pretty shaken up because you left. he's just mad about that." brian explains to me. "anyway, he should be here in a bit, get a drink, go talk to people, relax a little. leave your conversation with shawn till this thing is over. i know you need him here with you as the father."

"thanks brian," i mumble, sighing softly. "have fun today."

"you too, you've earned it," he says to me, before i smile, walking away from him, finding jasmine and poppy arguing in the kitchen.

"who the fuck said he could come?" jasmine mumbles angrily, as she slaps poppy's arm. it's only then when i turn around, seeing shawn greeting everyone, a massive smile stretched over his lips. he's dressed in my favourite yellow jacket of his, along with a plain black button up, and a pair of black slacks, a yellow stripe running up each side to match the jacket, and his usual saint laurent boots. my breath gets caught up i my throat and i want nothing more than to be in his arms.

"get him out of here before she sees him-" jasmine says, as i sigh, walking up to them, folding my arms.

"stop, i told aaliyah to get him. i need him here," i say. "don't you dare say a word to him. i'm the only one who gets to, and that's going to be after the party. keep your mouths shut and greet him like you would normally do. he has every right to be here, so i don't want to hear it." jasmine and poppy both nod, as i sigh, grabbing two non alcoholic cocktails from the table which were pink in colour for avery.

"if things get heated, go upstairs, okay?" jasmine says to me, placing her hand on my arm. i nod, pushing out a small smile.

"i'll be back in a sec," i say to them, before taking a deep breath to steady myself, and slowly walking up to shawn, who's currently chatting to one of my cousins and her husband.

"hey fiona, brad, can i steal him for a minute?" i ask politely, laying my hand over shawns arm, linking my fingers over the soft material of his jacket. they both nod with a smile, letting me guide shawn away from where everyone is, straight to the main entrance of the house, where it's quieter, and no people are about. i quickly place the two drinks on the steps to upstairs, before turning to shawn.

"listen anya-"

i immediately cut him off by embracing him as tightly as i can with an eight month baby bump in the way. he eagerly responds, linking his arms around my waist, one hand slowly travelling to my bump, as he gently traces soothing patterns over it.

"hey," he mumbles, tucking his head into my hair, laying a small kiss over my head.

"hey," i say back to him, the tears already building at my eyes. damn hormones.

"you look gorgeous, hunny," he tells me softly, his voice cracking at the end. "holy shit, there's really a baby in there, huh?" he chuckles, pulling away slightly, laying his lips over my forehead, before looking straight at me. "my swimmers are fucking strong."

"shut up," i giggle, sniffling softly.

"my baby mama sure is stunning, even if she thinks shes a whale," he says to me, making a smooth blush come over my cheeks.

"shawn," i trail off, letting a small smile settle over my lips, as he brings one of his hands to cup my cheek, wiping away the little tears. "i need you here with me. i can't do this alone. but can we talk when this is over?"

"of course," he nods, his own eyes filling with tears. "we're a team."

"is that okay?" i ask, confirming if he's okay to go the party without talking about what happened.

"mhm," he hums. "as long as you promise you'll come back home."

"i promise," i nod, as he smiles sadly at me, pressing his lips back onto my forehead. i smile, pulling away, and grabbing the two drinks, handing him one. "to avery penelope mendes."

"mendes?" shawn asks, his eyes lighting up, before filling with another round of tears, one escaping and sliding down his cheek. i nod, holding onto his other hand with mine. "oh anya," he whispers, raising my hand up to his lips and kissing it softly. "i'm not gonna let you down. i promise baby." he confirms, kissing my hand again. "to avery penelope mendes."