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[anya]

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shawns hand rests on my back as i lean gently into his side, listening to andrew and mike going on about something that happened on tour, whilst shawn chats to jon and matt, who are both standing nearby.

"anya, you good? you look out of it," jon says, noticing me. i hum in response, turning my attention to him.

"yeah, just tired," i smile sadly. "carrying a baby is hard work."

"she's got mendes genes, that's why," andrew butts in, making shawn laugh.

"oh she's a mendes all right," shawn grins, wrapping his arm around my waist instead, pulling me closer to his side. i let out a small chuckle, resting my head against his chest.

"no way! you told him?" matt bursts. "yes sis!"

"wait, you guys knew about it?" shawn asks, looking at matt and jon, before turning to me.

"yeah, she's been planning it for the past month," jon says, giving me a quick hug. "nervous as fuck though. we were all round one night and she set it on us like it was natural, then she ran around the lounge and started crying because she was so nervous to tell you."

"jon! i thought that was just between us," i whine, slapping his arm.

"oh baby, you were nervous?" shawn asks, a small chuckle leaving his lips. "kinda sweet you were planning it for so long."

"oh shush," i mumble, tucking my head into his shoulder, pressing a small kiss against it. "when can we leave?" i ask, once everyone else has gotten back to their conversations.

"i mean most people have gone, so," he starts. "plus i can hear your stomach rumbling from here."

"do you want a slap?" i joke, making him chuckle. "i want food, crudities and cupcakes aren't food."

"come on, let's go home," shawn tells me, a small smile on his lips. "wanna talk to ave for a bit."

"mhm," i hum, as he presses his lips to my temple. "thanks for staying here, shawn."

"always, hunny," he whispers. "i cant stay away from my favourite girl."

"your favourite?" i ask him, a little smile teasing my lips. "don't let ave hear you say that."

"her mama's my favourite woman then, she's my favourite girl," he says warmly. "i missed you so much, anya."

"come on, let's go," i say gently to him. "i think it's time we had that talk," he nods in response, as i press a gentle kiss over his shoulder, humming lightly. "i'm gonna go ask someone to bring my stuff down, okay?"

"yeah, i'll start saying byes," shawn responds, letting go of my waist. "actually, i'll get it for you. let's say bye to everyone first, then i'll go grab it."

"okay," i nod, standing up straight, before making my way around the party, saying a thank you for coming, and a quick goodbye to everyone, before inviting a few friends to the condo tomorrow for drinks and a catch-up.

"ready, hunny?" shawn asks me, catching me near the kitchen, as he presses a gentle kiss to my cheek, the affection being comforting to me. i nod my head, as he grins, pecking my forehead gently, before wandering off to get my suitcase.

"need any help bringing the presents?" brian asks me, leaning against the counter next to me.

"please," i say, resting my hand over my bump. "shawns gone to get my suitcase, so i think we'd both appreciate a little help."

"you're going back to the condo?" he asks, as i nod in response, letting a small sigh leave my lips.

"we're gonna talk a little, we need to," i say lightly.

"good, let him explain," brian tells me. "he's crazy about you, you know that, right?"

"i am, everyone says he is," i let a small chuckle pass my lips. "i'm just as crazy about him."

"anya you need to know something-" brian cuts himself off, sighing again. "when you left, shawn trashed the condo."

"w-what?" i stutter, the information shocking me completely.

"yeah, he uh, he got drunk, trashed everything," brian says, rubbing the back of his head. "the nursery, uh, it's basically a room now."

"oh," i breathe out, looking down at the floor. "wait, what about the painting i got him?"

"it's fine," he confirms. "avery's stuff, well," he says. "just go see it. shawn feels so shitty about it, i'm just telling you now so you don't get too out of a calm mood. he thought he properly lost you two."

"i don't know what to say," i admit, biting my lower lip. "i- did he really think i wasn't gonna come back?"

"well you did pack a whole suitcase, including baby clothes," he says, shrugging. "i don't know, i think he's most of all just scared of losing you."

-

"you want some tea, love?" shawn asks me, immediately walking to the kitchen, as i ease myself further into the lounge, seeing a nearly empty bottle of scotch, and a glass tipped on it's side. i look around, seeing paper crumpled up around the sofa, and i notice the nursery door is closed.

"uh, no thanks," i answer, slipping my shoes off, and putting my handbag down. "uh, shawn?"

"hmm? oh," he says, noticing me looking at the mess. "okay, you sit down, let me clean up."

"shawn, the nursery," i blurt out. "brian told me." shawns face immediately falls as he looks down at the floor, letting a small sigh pass from his lips. "did you really think i wasn't gonna come back?"

"what else would i think?" he asks me, raising his voice slightly. "i come back home to see you about to leave with a suitcase," he says, his voice laced with sadness. "you didn't even let me explain."

"i was angry, shawn," i say back to him, frowning. "look at it from my perspective, you were telling me all tour long that you were gonna ask me to be your girlfriend, and then i see pictures of you kissing some side chick? not to mention what she posted on instagram, shawn i felt so betrayed. what else was i supposed to do?"

"maybe wait till i get home to talk to me so you can hear my side of things?" he asks sarcastically, pouring out the hot water from the kettle into a glass mug with a teabag in it. "if you don't even trust me, what's the point of us becoming a family?"

i look down at the granite worktop, and sigh softly, placing a hand on my bump. he was right - if there was no trust between us, why were we even taking steps to become a family, so quickly? granted, even if a romance didn't spark between shawn and i, i would still have let him see the baby, we technically would be a family, and even with that it needs some element of trust.

"i do trust you," i say to him, my voice wavering slightly. "but why did you trash the nursery?"

"i was angry," he answers simply. "you left me with our baby, what else was i supposed to do?"

"i don't know, maybe not trash the nursery?" i ask sarcastically, letting a low chuckle escape my lips. "i need to see it."

"you don't need to, i'll clean it up and get everything sorted." he answers simply, opening the fridge and taking out a jug of water.

"you can't stop me," i mutter, standing up and waddling to the door, pushing it open, as i hear shawn curse and run after me.

the wall directly in front of me had a hole in it, probably from shawn punching it too hard. the crib was in pieces, the wooden frame split into two, and the wooden bars dotted around the fairly large room. the nursing chair had been overturned, and all the clothes i had spent hours folding and putting away neatly were all tipped out on the floor, the drawers lying aimlessly on the cream coloured carpet. the boxes in the cube shelves i filled with nappy changing supplies and baby creams were all tipped out, and the thing that broke my heart the most was seeing the framed sonogram on the floor, the glass completely cracked.

"baby-"

"how could you do this?" i ask him, tears burning in my eyes. "wreck the stuff i left here, go ahead, but our baby? what has she done to you for you to do this?"

"you left me, i was angry, anya!" he argues back, as i let the tears slip out of my eyes, seeing my baby blankets i put away for avery scattered around the room. "i didn't know what i was doing, i was drunk!"

"that doesn't mean you wreck your unborn daughters room!" i yell back at him, wiping my cheeks. "do anything to my stuff, chuck it out, burn it, rip it in two, but don't you dare touch anything of averys. did you even care?"

"anya please-"

"you're sleeping on the couch tonight," i mutter, shoving past him and rushing straight into the main bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

"anya, come on, please," he begs, knocking on the door. "please, let me just talk to you." i don't reply to him, instead i lie down on the bed, letting myself cry silently. "baby, i didn't mean it, i thought you weren't gonna come back, please hunny believe me."

"go away," i mumble, through my tears.

"i'm coming inside anya," he warns me, before i hear the door being opened, and heavy footsteps leading up to the bed. "baby, please don't cry, i'll get it all sorted out, i promise," he mumbles, sitting down next to me, placing his hand on my side. "darling, please listen to me."

"i want you out of here in five minutes," i snap, sniffling softly, as shawn sighs.

"five minutes, i can work with that," he mumbles. "we all went out after the last show to get drinks. obviously most of us got drunk to celebrate the end of tour, but i was getting tired, so i ended up leaving earlier than everyone else, apart from brian and zubin, they left before me, and sydney decided to follow. she was incredibly drunk, so i decided to help her back to the hotel safely, because i didn't want anything to happen. we were walking into the hotel, and she kept saying things how i should end things with you and go with someone who isn't pregnant, and how i should date her, but i told her to stop and i got angry at her for saying it. we walked into the hotel and she immediately kissed me. i didn't know press were outside, but since the front of the hotel is glass, they managed to get a picture. i swear to you i pushed her off immediately, and ran to the lifts to go back to my suite. i get to my suite, and i tell brian everything that happened, fuck i was shaken up anya, i didn't know what to think, but i knew i had to tell you. i called and called and called, but then i realised you were probably asleep, so brian told me to go and get some sleep before the flight. i couldn't sleep without going to sydney and telling her exactly how i felt about it, and to put her in her place, but when i went to go to her room, it seemed like she was asleep, so i went back to the suite and fell asleep. the next morning, i woke up, got dressed, went to the main part of the room, and sydney was sitting there. i knew she was there because of last night, so i yelled at her, told her what she did was wrong, and i moved on with everything. brian came into the main room shortly after sydney had left, and he asked me what was going on, so i told him, but i swear to you it was nothing more than a kiss only wanted by her, and i didn't do anything else."

i stay stunned as i take in everything that shawn said, letting myself sit up and face him. "and the nursery?" i ask, my voice cracking.

"i was angry, i thought you had left me for good, and i was drunk. when i realised what i had done i immediately started panicking. i didn't mean to do it, i felt so horrible about everything that happened." he explains. "i've already called a guy to fix the wall, he's coming tomorrow, and i swear to you i'll clean everything up tonight."

"okay," i mumble, nodding my head.

"okay?" he asks, slightly worried that i'm only saying it for the sake of it.

"i believe you," i say to him. "but that doesn't mean we're okay."

"are you mad at me?" he asks, looking down at the duvet.

"not mad, just disappointed. i really thought more of you, shawn," i answer simply. "can you bring my suitcase in here? i just want to sleep now."

"yeah," he says to me, nodding his head, before standing up and walking out of the room.

if he really thought i wasn't going to come back, why didn't he try to make me stay?