Lily Brooklyn is tired of having her life planned out for her by an algorithm. The algorithm created to prevent a war like the last one from ever happening again: where billions of lives were lost, families were torn apart and the world almost ended. To fight against the algorithm and the system that set it would be madness, but then, Lily's past was just that- but she's moved on... however, the past had a way of coming back to hit you harder than it had before.

I like the effort you put into your cover, and I can see that you have a definite style for the way you make your covers. I was a little confused by it, however, because I couldn't make a connection with your story. Try to think about what colors are associated with sci-fi (like electric blue) and how you can incorporate that into your cover. Other than that, I really like your cover and how you've presented the title/font.

I can definitely see the connection you've put with your title to the story. However, I've had to do a bit of thinking to understand this concept. Along with that, your title doesn't have exactly the right ring to it. There are a lot of better titles you could come up with that better connect to your story. I suggest making several titles and then choosing the one that best appeals to you. If you can't think of one just yet, don't stress about it. I find that the best title usually comes to you while you're writing your story.

I love how short and concise your blurb is. However, your blurb consists of "first and then" moments that can be confusing for potential readers. There's too much going on in sentences that are too small. What are the main points of your blurb? What can be shortened and taken out? You can also experiment with descriptive details and sentence structures. How can you tighten your sentences and make it more fluid to draw in readers?

I like how you start off your story with how Lily goes about during her day, especially because it appears that this is a dystopian society that you want to introduce your readers to. It definitely has me wondering if this is the norm for her, and what happened to make it so. You've done a great job at drawing me in. I took away a few points because your grammar/spelling errors distinguished the tension from your hook, and I'll point out those mistakes during your chapter reviews.

I was really impressed by your clean writing. I only found a few kinds of grammar mistakes here and there. The most important one that I've seen the most frequently is your use of commas. Often, you add an unnecessary comma or you forget to add one. I suggest doing more research on your own, but remember that the basic rules of commas are that they should be used as giving a break; separating different ideas. Along with that, you often end your dialogue with the wrong punctuation. For example: "He was hungry.' She said." Believe it or not, this is one sentence. But, by putting a period at the end of the dialogue, you are essentially saying that it is two sentences. "She said" is not a sentence by itself. It is part of the dialogue sentence. Therefore, "She" should not be capitalized, as it is not the start of a new sentence, and the dialogue should end in a comma. Correction: "He was hungry,' she said." This kind of mistake happens frequently throughout your chapters, and I've pointed out a few in your chapter reviews. Still, make sure to keep that in mind for future writing so you can catch these mistakes on your own.

I can tell that you've thoroughly edited your chapters and put a lot of hard work into them, because I didn't find any spelling mistakes. However, what I have noticed is that you are missing some words in your sentences. I'll point them out to you in your chapter reviews, but next time before you upload on Wattpad, take the time to read each sentence thoroughly to catch these mistakes.

I have seen similar stories on Wattpad with dystopian societies, but I really like how you've incorporated this into your writing with your own voice and originality. It's fresh, it's different, and it's definitely capable of hooking in potential readers.

I could definitely see potential flaws within Lily (like the fact that she believes tears to be a weakness), and this is a good thing. Readers like flawed characters, because they can relate and be part of the journey as your main character picks up new skills and learns to accept their flaws. I didn't get much of a physical description for Lily, so make sure to slyly sprinkle that in throughout your chapters. Along with that, I feel like you can deepen her personality and emotions through your chapters. I suggest that you turn your focus from her actions to her feelings. Try to describe in depth how she feels when she is kidnapped. Your reader should know how Lily is feeling at all times.

I can definitely see your distinct voice through your writing, and the fact that your writing is mostly straight-forward and clean only further enhances your writing style. Still, I suggest playing around with descriptive language. How can you weave metaphors and similes (and not the cliche ones)? What about personification and sensory detail/imagery? If you aren't sure what I mean, you can always look these up. But keep in mind to try to focus on these skills, and your writing voice will only continue to grow and expand as you write.

You gradually build tension and lead your readers slowly through your exposition into the climax, and it happened very naturally. Your transitions were seamless, and I almost didn't notice the scene and setting shifting at all. This is a very hard skill to hone, but you did a fabulous job with that!

"he ran his finger down the screen." (paragraph 1). This is a new sentence, and not part of the dialogue sentence. Therefore, "he" should be capitalized.

In the first paragraph, I suggest that you write out numbers to look more professional to your readers. "6:58" would be "six-fifty-eight" or if you want this to be more clear to your readers that he's talking about the time, try to simplify to "six-thirty."

"I faked a smile at him and moved away for the next person in line to get their schedule." (paragraph 2). I like how you're setting the scene for your readers. However, this sentence could be tightened, and you're missing a comma. And what is a stronger verb that can replace "moved"?

Beautiful description in paragraph 2.

"They shimmered faintly, from far, far away." (paragraph 3). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "They shimmered faintly from far, far away."

"I sighed and ran to the metro-line, as I did every night, because that was what I was supposed to do as a good citizen." (paragraph 6). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "I sighed and ran to the metro-line as I did every night, because that was what I was supposed to do as a good citizen."

For paragraph 7, make sure to write out numbers. Along with that, I suggest that you capitalize "AM" so it isn't confused with the word "am" for your readers.

Again in paragraph 9, make sure to write out numbers.

"In the year 2067 the Great War had started between U.S.A., U.K and a whole bunch of nations and the newly formed Republic of Evanesco." (paragraph 11). You are missing a comma here. Make sure to add a definite article in front of the specific places, and there should be a period after "K" in "U.K." Correction: "In the year 2067, the Great War had started between the U.S.A., the U.K., and a whole bunch of nations and the newly formed Republic of Evanesco."

"An international council, with an equal number of members from both sides, would run the world." (paragraph 11). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "An international council with an equal number of members from both sides would run the world."

You have an extra space in paragraph 12.

"Stupid politicians. I hope they're rotting in hell." (paragraph 13). Remember that your story is set in past tense. Correction: "Stupid politicians. I hoped they were rotting in hell."

"'We're here.' said the driver's monotonous voice." (paragraph 16). You did a good job at not capitalizing "said" because it is not a new sentence. However, because it is a continuation of the sentence, the dialogue should end in a comma and not a period. Along with that, try rephrasing the second half of the sentence. Correction: "'We're here,' said the driver in a monotonous voice."

In paragraph 16, I can sense some repetition happening. You've mentioned "fake smile" several times now. What are some synonyms you can replace it with? You could also describe her smile as weak, flat, or devoid of any warmth/humor. Do you see how you can experiment with your descriptions?

"And then someone cleared his throat from behind me, and out his hand over my mouth in a silent grip." (paragraph 19). You're missing a word here. Along with that, what stronger verbs can you describe this action? Think of words such as "clamped," and "unyielding."

In paragraph 1, I suggest replacing "the" with "his" to have a stronger effect on your readers.

"'Keep quiet and we'll talk.' the assailant whispered." (paragraph 2). You're missing a comma here. Along with that, you should end the dialogue with a comma and not a period, because it's not the end of the sentence. Correction: "'Keep quiet, and we'll talk,' the assailant whispered."

"A stun gun, that could leave me unconscious till my body started to rot of malnutrition." (paragraph 2). You have an unnecessary comma here. This is one clause and does not need to be separated.

"-it isn't easy when you're half-paralyzed with fear and are being held by someone who seems to be ten times your size." (paragraph 3). I like that you wrote out the number here. However, keep in mind that your story is set in past tense, not present. Along with that, I suggest replacing "you're" with "I." Correction: "-it wasn't easy when I was half-paralyzed with fear and held by someone who seemed to be ten times my size."

"The assailant let go of me." (paragraph 4). Is there a better way you can describe this? How did he let go of her? Did he push her away or drop her to the ground? Were his motions indifferent, or coated with fury? Try to avoid writing basic sentences such as these.

Remember to write out numbers in paragraph 4. Write "six-three" instead of "6'3." And do you need to put down his exact height? Your readers won't remember it, and you could try describing it in a way so that your main character was analyzing him while thinking of a way to escape, not as a way to introduce a new character to your readers.

Again in paragraph 5, try to write out numbers. And she was literally just held at gunpoint by a stranger in her own home, but that's what's on her mind right now? By doing this, you are downplaying the situation and making your readers relax, when really, you want them tense with dread and anticipation. Try describing how adrenaline flowed through her body, and maybe her mind was racing so fast she could hardly think. Maybe she knew she was supposed to be thinking of an escape plan, but all that was coherent in her mind at the moment was the difference in their heights. Do you see how I've weaved in fear and mindless panic into your character's thoughts without ruining the build-up of your story?

In paragraph 6, I suggest removing the question mark, since the statement is not phrased as a question, but rather an exclamation.

"'Good. We need to have a talk.' he said..." (paragraph 12). Again, I like how you've recognized not to capitalize "he" since it isn't the start of a new sentence. But because it's the start of a new sentence, the period in the dialogue should be replaced with a comma.

You have the same problem in paragraph 13. Can you find it?

"I asked demandingly." (paragraph 14). This sentence can be tightened. Rather than use "demanding" as an adjective, write it as a verb to have a stronger effect on your readers. Suggestion: "I demanded."

"Even in the dim light, I could make out the anger in his posture." (paragraph 15). I like your description here, but is there a stronger word you can use to replace "anger?" You could describe the stiffness of his shoulders, or the fury locking his spine stiff-straight.

I love the way you've ended the chapter with a cliffhanger. Well done.

"'Yes.' he replied." (paragraph 1). Again, by ending the dialogue with a period, you are saying that "he replied" is a new sentence. You need to replace the period with a comma.

"'The information your parents told you, what you saw—it's instrumental to our success.' he said roughly." (paragraph 11). You have the same problem here. By ending the dialogue with a period, you are saying that "he said" is the start of a new sentence.

"'You're a pretty little liar.' he said..." (paragraph 13). Remember that "he said" is not a new sentence, so replace the period at the end of the dialogue with a comma.

"A-and by now the tracker in my bl-ood must have alerted the go-government I'm not following the algorithm. The regulators will be here any minute." (paragraph 14). I suggest adding "that" in the sentence and remember to end the dialogue with a comma and not a period. Along with that, try to reduce the stuttering your character has. It might be realistic in real life, but it's hard for your readers to read this paragraph. If you're trying to convey how nervous she is, I suggest writing about it through her actions and thoughts. Correction: "A-and by now, the tracker in my bl-ood must have alerted the go-government that I'm not following the algorithm." Did you also notice the comma I've added?

"I tried to run there, but he blocked my way." (paragraph 18). This sentence is awkward. What stronger word is there to replace "run"? How can you make this sentence stronger? For example: "I attempted to sprint for the door, but in a swift movement, he had me blocked and cornered." (Keep in mind that this is not a copy and paste moment, but rather an example so you can make up your own in your own writing style).

"—that would surely attract the police's attention." (paragraph 19). Remember that your story is set in past tense, not present. Correction: "—that would've surely attracted the police's attention."

In paragraph 21, can you describe how Lily resisted? You want to really paint a scene in your readers' minds. Maybe she struggled in his grasp. Maybe, during that moment, time slowed down and she could see the clutter of her house (a good way to describe the setting to ground your readers) and she realized that maybe she was never coming back.

"I shouted, as I pushed against the locked doors." (paragraph 22). You have an unnecessary comma here.

Again, lovely ending to another lovely chapter. I love how you left your readers hanging.

"A choice number of—erm—adjectives for him ran through my head." (paragraph 1). It looks like you've mixed up these words. Along with that, there would be a stronger effect on your readers if you simplified and replaced "adjectives" with "words." Correction: "A number of—erm—choice words for him ran through my head." Also, lovely use of personification here.

In paragraph 2, you have another tense slip-up. Can you find it?

In paragraph 6, remember to spell out numbers.

"'An hour, if everything goes well.' came the cold reply." (paragraph 10). Can you spot your mistake here? The period at the end of the dialogue should be replaced with a comma.

You have the same problem in paragraph 17. Can you find it?

"'Now coming?'" (paragraph 20). You are missing a comma here. Correction: "Now, coming?"

"'I find it funny you assume I would tell you right after I gave you an explanation on how I had prevented you from finding out that particular fact.' came the curt answer." (paragraph 23). Again, the period at the end of your dialogue needs to be replaced with a comma, because "came the curt answer" is still part of the sentence.

"I have a new hypothesis: all tall people are terrible." (paragraph 25). Your story is set in past tense, so you need to convert this sentence into past tense. Correction: "I had a new hypothesis: all tall people were terrible."

In paragraph 2, don't you mean "needle" instead of "needly"?

In paragraph 12, don't you mean "My" instead of "his"?

In the second to last paragraph, you ended the paragraph with an incomplete sentence. The colon can be replaced with a period and still have the same effect on your readers.

I really enjoyed this new plot! I can see that you've done a lot of thinking on this one. Along with that, I love how you easily switched between the adrenaline fueled moments to the lighthearted atmosphere. The only thing you need to focus on here are a few grammar mistakes here and there, but otherwise, your story is excellently written.