𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒂 𝒔𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕?

Brooke Williams has arrived in eerie Ravenswood, expecting nothing but dull memories from the small town. However, she gets far more than she initially expected when she is recognized as a girl who has been missing for more than a year, a house she shouldn't remember and a family she doesn't know is her blood anymore.

The 1800 Knightley bloodline assassinations have a copy cat, all these centuries later except this time, there's a new girl in town.

A girl they thought they buried a long time ago.

Who is Beth Knightley? Why does she feel drawn to her? And why is she so intrigued to the mysterious arrogant boy with brown eyes.

Can he save her from herself? Or is it the other way around...

She has no idea the danger her life will be thrown into.

And remember,

There's no escape,

When fire meets fate.

Because a secret never stays buried forever.

I don't quite understand the blurriness of your cover or the white border around it; it doesn't do much justice for your story. Along with that, the photo used does not tie in or connect with your story plotline at all. I suggest going to a cover maker on Wattpad.

I like your title because it ties in nicely with your story. It will attract the right readers, and it isn't confusing. However, I took two points off because the title itself is very cliche and generic. There are so many books, thriller/mystery or not, that have buried secrets. So why would readers choose to read your story among thousands of other books with similar topics? I recommend that you experiment with the title. Find a unique name for your story, or you can even use a quote from your book. Remember that you want your story to stand out from everyone else's.

I can see that you put a lot of work into your blurb. I love the ending bit of it, and you're heading off on the right track. However, it's hard to make sense of the blurb because your writing is all over the place. I read your blurb several times, but I still struggle to understand what your story is about. This is a bad sign for your readers. If they can't understand the gist of it, they'll turn away from your story. You have grammar issues, misused punctuations, and sentences that can be tightened and shortened to be better understood. If I were to shorten your blurb, I'd only write:

Brooke arrives in Ravenswood and is immediately recognized as a girl she isn't, encounters memories that aren't hers, and remembers a family that she doesn't belong in. And with the help of a certain brown-eyed boy, Brooke struggles to find who she really is and what really happened to the girl buried long before her time...

A girl who looks exactly like her.

So it might not be the best blurb in terms of sentence structure and descriptive detail, but the important thing is that it's short, it's concise, and it's straight to the point. I'm not saying you should use this blurb since this story is based on your writing style and not mine. But if you see the way I've only included the important details, you can try to figure out for yourself what is really needed in the blurb—and what isn't. If you'd like, you can provide a full synopsis in the story.

I like the poetic language you've incorporated into your story, but your words are jumbled up. It's hard to make sense of what you're trying to say. Especially with poems, I suggest that you first write down what you mean to say normally, then go through and convert each line to be more poetic and mysterious looking.

What I like about your story is that you didn't have many kinds of grammar errors. However, the ones that you do struggle with show up frequently throughout your chapters. What I've noticed is that you struggle with your use of commas. Either you use unnecessary commas or you're missing commas. I suggest that you do more research on what commas are used for on your own, but try to remember the basic rules for using commas. Commas are used to separate independent/dependent clauses/topics within your sentences, and should only be used when necessary. In future writing, try to stop yourself and ask: Is this comma really necessary? Along with that, you have the tendency to end your paragraphs with incomplete sentences. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but this kind of writing is usually only reserved for poetry. If you're writing a story that will occasionally be set in place with poetry, then I need to see more of the poetry part so that it's obvious to your readers that you're doing this on purpose. If you aren't writing poetry, then you need to start ending your paragraphs with period and not commas. In addition, keep in mind that new sentences should only start when new people are speaking. You often either forget to start a new sentence when someone is speaking, or start a new sentence when the same person is speaking (which is unnecessary).

I've encountered a few spelling mistakes throughout reviewing your first few chapters, but I was impressed by how clean your sentences were otherwise. Still, I suggest using some kind of writing site to help you catch any spelling errors/grammar mistakes.

I've seen many books on Wattpad that have incorporated many aspects of your book. But, as we all know, no idea is completely original, and what I love about your story is that you've taken all these ideas and separate points and combined them to form a unique plot. I haven't quite seen a story like yours before, and I was excited by the fresh idea you've managed to make come to life in your story. Well done.

Keep in mind that whenever you're introducing new characters, you should be establishing their physical appearances, personalities, and their role in your story as soon as you can, without boring your readers. I've found through reading your story that you tend to write about two paragraphs about each new character you introduce, and you only write about their physical appearances. This doesn't help your reader connect to your characters at all, and I felt rather disconnected to your story because of it. Try to emphasize how Brooke feels throughout your chapters. Most times, you only write her dialogue and the setting, but leave out what's going on inside her head.

Readers also want a relatable main character. I know that as a writer; you don't want your main characters to be ugly, or flawed in any way. I know this because I myself am a writer and have had to stifle this urge. It's okay if your character is pretty, but what I find a lot of authors do here is that through using their main character's voices, they describe how beautiful they look. Then they inform the readers about their lack of self-esteem and how ugly they think they look, even though they literally just described that their hair was long and thick and they had beautiful eyes. If the character was truly self-conscious, the description would have happened a bit differently. You don't seem to have this problem, but make sure to keep that thought in your head. You don't have to make your main character perfect, and you certainly do not need to inform your readers that Brooke has a nice body. It isn't relevant to the plot at all. Make sure to give your character some flaws, whether it be physically or emotionally. That way, your readers can connect with Brooke and in a way, your characters will truly become alive and human.

And one last note—I understand that you're already pretty far into your story. However, in the future, make sure to avoid creating characters with similar names or names that start with the same letters. For example, in this story, I understand that Beth and Brooke are, in a way, connected to one another. However, your readers will struggle with differentiating the two unless they know your characters as well as you do—and I guarantee you, they don't.

So there can definitely be some improvement here. I like that you're conscious of any mistakes you make, and I can see that you're making an effort with your descriptions and writing voice. However, I can also see that you have several weak spots, and you're struggling. Your writing voice is affected by your grammar mistakes, losing some of its potential. If you correct your grammar mistakes, your writing voice will automatically improve. As you write, try to focus on how many things you are writing that are either irrelevant to the plot, or clearly obvious to your readers. Only write what needs to be written. Along with that, count how many similes, metaphors, sensory details/imagery, and personification you have in your chapters. If you have none, then I suggest you weave some throughout your story to enhance the experience for your readers.

Your story so far is very straightforward and I can see that with hints and transitions throughout your story, you are gradually making your way up to the climax of your story. Remember to only write what is truly important to the story, however. I've also found a lot of repetition through your chapters, which notifies me that you're struggling with your transitions. Always be thinking of the best ways to move your story along. As time passes, you'll find that you'll improve in this area.

"A bond, will be bestowed upon the doppelganger twins." (line 2). The line "a bond" is not an independent/dependent clause by itself, so the comma is unnecessary. Correction: "A bond will be bestowed upon the doppelganger twins."

In line 6, I suggest that you tighten your line and get rid of filler words. I had to reread it several times to make sense of what you're trying to say. Is there an easier way to rephrase this, so it's immediately understandable for your readers?

"And the Knightley's will fall." (last line). I love this ending for this because it adds a touch of mysteriousness for your readers. Well done!

I also enjoyed the way you've formatted your lines with italics, normal, and spacings/new paragraph starters. This has a much better effect on your readers, so I commend you on your ability to know what looks good on paper/the screen.

One thing I'd advise is to take out the "read on for the main novel" because your readers will know that this is your way of introducing the story. The "read on for the main novel" is unnecessary and actually takes away from the tension/build-up you've left on from the last line.

"Beth repeated these mindless words inside her head like a chant, the only thing keeping her anchored." (paragraph 3). This sentence can be confusing to your readers. I suggest you rephrase this sentence so that it's easier to understand. Along with that, "chanting" is a way of speaking, so you can tighten up your sentence instead of writing unnecessary fillers. Suggestion: "Beth chanted these mindless words repeatedly in her head; it was the only thing keeping her anchored."

"With every step her lungs for air but still she ran." (paragraph 3). You're missing a few words here. Make sure to thoroughly edit this chapter so you can catch these mistakes. Along with that, is there a stronger verb you can use to replace "ran?" For example, you could say, "sprinted," "stumbled," and more.

"Through the distance she heard her friends call her name, confused as to the reason of her sudden outburst." (paragraph 4). You've misused several words here. "Through" should be replaced with "in," and "of" should be replaced with "for." Correction: "In the distance, she heard her friends call her name, confused as to the reason for her sudden outburst." Did you also notice the comma I've added?

"Because of three little words her whole world came crashing down." (paragraph 5). You are missing a comma here. Correction: "Because of three little words, her whole world came crashing down." Along with that, I've found a lot of repetition through your writing. You wrote several times about how she ran as fast as she could, and about the three little words. This can get tiring for your readers, so try to minimize the repeating sentences.

"By the time they found her body there would be nothing left." (paragraph 6). Again, you are missing a comma. Correction: "By the time they found her body, there would be nothing left."

"The cold menacing voice..." (paragraph 7). First, "the" should not be capitalized because it is not the start of a new sentence; it is still part of the dialogue sentence. Along with that, you are missing a comma. Correction: "the cold, menacing voice..."

You finished paragraph seven with an incomplete sentence. If the same person is speaking, it should be part of the same paragraph. If you started a new paragraph for emphasis, make sure to have some description in between the same person speaking, and end the prior sentence with a period, not a comma.

"October 31 2006" (paragraph 2). There needs to be a comma here. Correction: "October 31, 2006."

In paragraph four, you are missing a coma. Correction: "The last recorded sighting of her was outside the ball looking distressed, at around 11:45 PM." Along with that, "PM" should be capitalized and there should be a space in between the time and "PM."

"A broken phone believed to belong to Knightly, alongside a broken heel have been found." (paragraph 4). You have an unnecessary comma here.

"If anyone has any information regarding the disappearance please contact the RWPD who have named Knightley a missing person." (paragraph 5). You are missing a comma here. Correction: "If anyone has any information regarding the disappearance, please contact the RWPD who have named Knightley a missing person."

In paragraph 2, you have a lot of unnecessary commas and you could tighten your sentences. I suggest doing individual research on the use of commas, but just remember the basic rules of commas in future writing. It looks like you're writing as you're thinking the words, and your writing is all over the place. It can be hard to understand for readers, to try to rephrase your sentences to be more clear.

"She yelled, dismayed." (paragraph 3). "She" should not be capitalized, because it is not the start of a new sentence.

You've ended paragraph six with an incomplete sentence. If you're going to have Mr. Williams speak, you can include his dialogue in the same paragraph. You should never end a paragraph with a comma.

"She could hear him muttering to himself, as she went to get her last suitcase when she caught a glance of the state of her in the mirror." (paragraph 12). You have an unnecessary comma here. Along with that, you have filler words that you can remove to tighten your sentence. Suggestion/Correction: "She could hear him muttering to himself as she went to get her last suitcase, when she caught a glance of herself in the mirror."

In paragraph 12 and 13, you do not need to describe her entire outfit. Your reader does not need to know what kind of shoes she is wearing, or how it compliments her figure. If you want to inform your readers of your main character's physical attributes, there is a better way to do so. By writing a whole paragraph about her "long, light brown highlighted blonde hair" and how her eyelashes framed her dark eyes, you are boring the reader. You should slyly add in details about your character's appearance throughout the story. Along with that, it's very cliche for writers to make their female leads extremely pretty and attractive. In real life, that is often not the case and your readers won't like it; especially if your main character describes themselves in a flattering way, then acts like they look really ugly. Remember that your audience wants a character to relate to and sympathize for, not an out-of-the-world beautiful girl who has no physical flaw (because this is really common on Wattpad).

In paragraph 20, "she" should not be capitalized.

"Brooke replied laughing." (paragraph 26). There needs to be a comma here. Do you know how to fix this mistake? If not, please ask me.

In paragraph 27, you have an info-dump. An info-dump is when you pile background information on top of more background information, and it's really boring for your audience. A better way to let your readers know your MC's past is to express it through dialogue or slip in a few details here or there throughout your chapter. If not, it will sound like a history lesson. Your next few paragraphs deal with the same problem. If you put yourself into your reader's shoes, why would they care about Brooke's history and main situation? They don't even know who she is inside. All they know is that she has an attractive figure and great hair. You should only include background information when it is relevant to the plot or the scene; because that's when your readers will tune in.

"Waving his passport in her face." (paragraph 32). This is not a complete sentence.

In paragraph 34, you've confused the word "to" with "too."

In paragraph 38, how is Brooke different from other people? Just by saying she's different doesn't mean she's different. In fact, in the real world, when you say you aren't like other people, you are exactly like other people, because that's what everyone says.

You have an unnecessary comma between "off" and "before" in paragraph 45.

Paragraphs 48 and 49 should be combined. Remember to never end a paragraph with a comma, because you are essentially turning it into a run-on sentence.

It looks like you've forgotten to write a few words in paragraph 50.

In paragraph 79, I suggest minimizing the use of all caps. Instead, try to replace it with using italics to get the desired effect among your readers.

Paragraphs 95 and 96 should be combined.

Keep in mind that you should only start new paragraphs when someone new is speaking, and when the same person is speaking, you shouldn't separate their words into different paragraphs.

You have an extra space in paragraph 1.

Again, never end a paragraph with a comma.