《Critique And Editing Info》Critique: Maiden Heart Zwei
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Maiden Heart Zwei
Canislupus54
Fantasy, Magic, Adventure, Swords, (Fanfiction)
Needs a cover....
It's simple, but not enough. Also you should probably mention more for people who don't know the anime, Maiden Heart Zwei Tri.
I really liked this. The imaginary was on point and you didn't have unnecessary information. I do suggest though you put for the break 'Years later' or 'in the far city of {Blank}' I got a little confused when it switched over.
Good, Good. I really enjoyed this chapter. I can see potential with this story. I have a feeling you enjoy this story. I notice your writing is a bit different in this one compared to 'The Elf Princess'. You should maybe say sooner that she is a squire and explain what a squire is.
3.5 💙💙💙
I really wanted to give a 4 so 3.5 . You need a cover. Your summary needs some fixing. Your prologue was good except for the break, explain why the view changed from Lucia to Ellie. Chapter 1 was amazing. This is actually the first story that is in third person that I can understand. I have a hard time understanding Third Person. If I have the time I might read on. Keep Writing.
Rate from 1-5
💙💙💙💙💙
1: Poor/Needs MAJOR editing
2:Almost there/ needs fixing/need practice
3: Good/Needs a little editing
4:Good/Needs a little editing/may recommend/may read on
5: EXCELLENT/will recommend to followers, friends/may read on
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- In Serial9 Chapters
The Puppeteer (dropped)
This FF isnt about someone poor who lost his family and needs to live off a VR game. Malcolm Brim is the son of the CEO of Virtual Works, who developed and pioneered Virtual reality tech two years ago and released the first game Second Life. Though the restiction of 18 years or older kept him from the game his father helped provide, after completeing his 18th birthday the first thing he does is jump in and go after his dream... Puppeteering?Follow his adventure as he fights not only monsters but others people out to steal what he discovered
8 85 - In Serial38 Chapters
Mark of the Mountain [formally : the masked queen (drottingr)]
Lyssia - the masked Drottine of Ilvana - has to discover the strength of her own voice and uncover the dark secrets that threaten to undermine the safety of her people while maintaining her own secret, a struggle that may force her to choose between her kingdom and her life. * * * * * * * * * * Participant in the Royal Road Writathon challenge! * * * * * * * * * * Armed with an uncontrollable talent for premonition and a dangerous secret that could cost her her life, Lyssia - the masked Drottine of Ilvana - has to learn to survive in a land designed to weed out the weak. Lyssia always thought her survival at court depended upon her identity as the greatest pretender of all. But when Magnor - the newly crowned King of Dunival - arrives unannounced and threatens the tenuous peace between their two kingdoms, Lyssia soon realizes that he carries secrets even more dangerous than her own. As Lyssia struggles to discover the true intentions behind Magnor's visit, she is faced with an impossible choice: Sacrifice her secret - her freedom - her life to save a dying land... or allow Ilvana to be overcome by what lies hidden in the shadows. Can Lyssia find the strength to stand and fight for her people, or will the lies she has hidden behind her entire life prove too strong to be overcome? * * * * * * * * * * A kongdomr of warriors, though rusted their swords A kongdomr of voices, raised in hopeful song A kongdomr of drakuns, forsaken, forgotten A kongdomr of masks, neither young nor old A kongdomr of faces, expectantly raised To this new chance, a new age A new Drottingr Ilvana of legend Rise, Warriors, Rise * * * * * * * * * * CAST, DEFENITIONS, PLAYLIST CAST Ilvanian (the three-pointed mountain) Lyssia (Lys) - Drottine of Ilvana, heir, present day 22YO Dizean - Kongr of Ilvana, Lyssia's father Azerian (Az) - Lyssia's maternal cousin, present day 22YO Carryn - Lyssia maternal aunt, Azerian's mother Roakev (Ro) - Lyssia's paternal cousin, present day 24YO Eindre - Lyssia's paternal uncle, Roakev's father and Drengr Nimeah - Eindre's wife, Roakev's mother Seaka - old Lach and Lyssia's former caretaker Bjarke - Master Skald, employed the Kongr of Ilvana Aturnel (the guardian) - highest mountain point on Ilvania-Listoria border Thivness (the wildness) – dangerous, impassable cliff between eastern forest and sea Vatn – Lesser mountain named after the lake found at its feet Arvid – Lyssia’s Dubkir horse, named after her great grandfather Sikurd – Roakev’s Dubkir horse, named after an old hero from a Lay Isi - girl Lyssia meets on road to Steiner Mart Diyana - Lyssia's songbird, also Rilken's wife Ofrid - Lyssia's maternal cousin, close to Roakev's age Reeza - Lyssia's older maternal cousin, has a oat named OdilHoney - good natured mare rode by Lyssia Hanne – village representative’s niece celebrating her wedding Ardbon - Karl involved in Steiner Mart fight Liefer - Karl involved in Steiner Mart fight, his son’s name is Nurik Rilken - the last Drakun Kongr of Ilvana Steiner Mart - Eda-Yute Mart held every year in Steiner Field, also called the crossroads Gavin Brinson – young western Jarl, not allied with Halvor, his family crest is a raven Sidne – Gavin’s wife, very pregnant and very helpful Halvor - outspoken jarl from western stead Sorev – Halvor’s son, family crest is a bear in mid-maul, one of eight Jarlsons present, but the only one hailing from the west Fulrik – sonless western Jarl allied with Halvor Calvin – one of the Jarlsons atttending the peacemeet, the oldest and tallest of the lot Angar – eastern Jarl in possession of the Dubkir herd, family crest is a shield painted with bright green and yellow stripes Dubkir heir – Angar’s son…when will Lyssia learn his name? Ingar – former Kongr of Ilvana and Lyssia’s grandfather Scyftan River – the unofficial divide between eastern and western Ilvana Listorian (the five-pointed flower) Andev - Kongr of Listoria Igone (of the green thumb) - Andev's wife, Drottingr of Listoria Thisska - Listorian Drakun, bonded to Igone Linea - Drottine of Listoria, Murel's twin, heir, present day 20YO Murel - Drottine of Listoria, Linea's twin, heir, present day 20YO Ansev - Kongre of Listoria, twin's younger brother Sundric - Kongre of Listoria, twin's younger brother Giall - Jarl that travels to Ilvana with royal party Dunival (the spinning dustdevil) Magnor - recently crowned Kongr of Dunival, present day 25YO Tirne - Kongre-Slad of Dunival, younger son of Rijek, present day 22YO V???? - Magnor’s self-proclaimed “second”…another name Lyssia can’t seem to learn! Deceased Erina - Lyssia's mother, deceased Rijek – former Kongr of Dunival, deceased Anitra – former Drottingr of Dunival, Magnor and Tirne’s mother, deceased The Five Kongdomren - Ilvana, Dunival, Listoria, Sinnet, Nukrevn Aonta...Definition and Cast to be discovered DEFINITIONS Kongr/Kongre - King/Prince Drottingr/Drottine - Queen/Princess Kongdomr (Kongdomren) - Kingdom (Kingdoms) Jarl/Karl - landowner/non-landowner, may be beholden one particular Jarl Lach – healer Fyr/Slad - heir/none Middig/Dreg - master/apprentice Skald - historian and musician Drengr – champion Drakuns - Dragons, the Ancient Ones Bjurn – bear Elke(Elken) – gigantic, majestic elk, native to Ilvana Ban-maudr – “executioner thorns”, found in the eastern forest, very painful and hard to remove Yute - Thanks yearly celebration between cold and growing seasons Urd/Eda/Aon(-Yute) - past/present/future, two weeks each Lay - Ilvanian historical songs Laikari - Listorian historical plays Ridineig - fast-paced dancing tune Drigneig – type of song, a dirge, “opposite” of ridineig Lur - long trumpet like instrument Bowed lyra – larger version of hand lyra, played with a bowed stick Jorki – similar to a pan flute, jokingly called “child’s flute” Drakuns - Dragons, the Ancient Ones Diyana - songbird Wulv – wolf, native to Dunival Wulvken – umm…we’re still not sure Volvstot/wulvstot – “witchbrew/wolfbrew”, dark beer that Magnor brings from Dunival Fovk - fox Vas Morginnen - Good Morning Vas Heill - Good Health Vas Daginnen – Good Day Adhuil - prosperous, prosperity Ami - genderless term of endearment Dunga - insulting way of saying someone is stupid Saedas - sweetness, another way of saying happinessSaedhirte- sweetheart Hviss - an (improper) oath Slegrl – sly Standa – stop An-rivic – be still! Brudpar – “bridal pair”, bride and groom Dubkir – famous Ilvanian horses, half-wild and bred for the hunt * * * * * * * * * * Playlists: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcaiTcdQkK6nXrjYq29srJ7GMsebdd-Sp https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcaiTcdQkK6msFQiYhbaYhZ0VqFJ0mROi Lyssia character portrait by @soretoothproductions!
8 355 - In Serial9 Chapters
Tales of a Vagabond
Some people are meant to be heroes, they stand out as pillars of virtue and righteousness. Some people are meant to be villains, they stand out as vile miscreants who plot and scheme and want to burn the world. Then there is Nibingul, someone who walks between the lines. A filthy vagabond that just wants to be left alone with his pigeons, chickens, goats, and other assorted stolen livestock and his refuge under various bridges throughout Teleria. Follow the exploits of this underdog hero as he adventures, mostly unbathed and unwillingly through the land.
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Worldbreaking
A tensei (reincarnation) story of a Demon King who reincarnates as the race he despises the most upon his death, human.
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The Pig and the Frog
~completed~What do you want to be Beatrice? I mean when you grow up." Tobias says, while we share our last moments together. We lay on the grass. Two six year olds. Laying in our spot looking at the sky. I look over to him, into his sky blue eyes and smile. "You know what. I want to be a frog. I never have to leave you. And I can jump so high I can touch the sky. And I'll be free. Oh everything would be amazing!"He smiles at me and giggles. "I want to be a pig. Never have to leave you. AND I get to be as messy as I want!" We both burst into laughter. I'm going to miss this. I hear my mother calling me and my eyes fill with tears. "I'm going to miss you Toby!" I wrap my small arms around him and look into his chubby little face. "I will miss you to, Trissy."
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PRINCESS ➳ harry potter , draco malfoy (OLD VERSION)
being slytherin royalty can't save katie blair from the trials and tribulations of a love triangle. HARRY/DRACO X FEM!OC HARRY POTTER | GOLDEN TRIO ERA OLD VERSION | 2018/2019/2020 savsnothere
8 103
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