The Elf Princess

Canislupus54

Fantasy, Elves, Magic, Adventure

Needs a cover....

It's simple, but not enough....

The begging was really good, but once you got to 'Suddenly, two blonde human girls...' that's when it get's messy. It seemed in the first part you established most humans are afraid of elves and don't know the elves language. As well as you didn't state if Rin knows English.

What do you mean 'The girl under Rin's control'? Rin can control people by looking at them in the eye? If so don't forget to state that.

What is an aura?

I feel like there is a lot of information the reader is missing.

Did Rin know something was wrong? Say sooner the reason for their visit. Also why is the twins and Lance not with their mother, back at Rin's kingdom?

How did Rin feel after the man called the woman his. Give Rin a reason to kill him. When did the kids learn to fight?

WOAH!WOAH!WOAH!!! STOP!!!! When did they become an item!!!!!????

2 💙💙

I give a two because there is a lot, a LOT that needs fixing. I really like the concept of the story, but it just seems all over the place. Your prologue isn't actually a prologue since chapter 1 kicks back to where it ended. Unless like I stated you put in your chapter 1 'Years later' or something. As I said above there is a lot of info missing. It might be due to writing it in third person. Have you thought of first? If it's because you want multiple POVs then put their name on the chapter. If you need a cover go to Clubs-Mutli Media. If you don't like your summary; I'm pretty sure there are people here that will help. I am also willing to help. I think I write some really good summaries. Most of my questions are above. I also wrote some suggestions in the comments within your story. I can see this story has some potential. Remember this is a book, not a movie or tv show. You can't skip info and skip around freely. Keep writing.

Rate from 1-5

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1: Poor/Needs MAJOR editing

2:Almost there/ needs fixing/need practice

3: Good/Needs a little editing

4:Good/Needs a little editing/may recommend/may read on

5: EXCELLENT/will recommend to followers, friends/may read on