《Critique And Editing Info》Critique: The Mourir Conflict
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The Mourir Conflict
AnonEMauss
Mystery, Love
(I think you already know) *Covers eyes*
The first paragraph I really like. The second paragraph though pushed me away. Maybe try to find another way to interpret the second paragraph to fit better.
: First off. Choose between which Point of View you want. There was 3rd and 1st. I do like the words.
Good start. I did have to reread the first few paragraphs over and over to fully understand (I might just be me though). I feel like there is something missing in this chapter. Try reading it over and over and even out loud.
2 💙💙
1st the cover; Ouch
2nd I like the title, but maybe in the summary add what Mourir means. Do you mean memoir? Google says ' Mourir is French for 'Die'. 🤔
3rd Read over your 1st chapter
4th 1st person or 3rd for the Prologue
I can tell this story does have potential. I do love Romance. I'm a sucker for it, so I might read on.
Rate from 1-5
💙💙💙💙💙
1: Poor/Needs MAJOR editing
2:Almost there/ needs fixing/need practice
3: Good/Needs a little editing
4:Good/Needs a little editing/may recommend/may read on
5: EXCELLENT/will recommend to followers, friends/may read on
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