JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I really don't have words for you.

After tonight, my letters are really the only thing I can talk to you with.

Because... you are protecting me.

I realize that now.

But things still don't make sense.

How did Lucy know you got divorced? How did she find you so soon after?

... And why did you never tell me?

After tonight, I never realized how much I missed you. I had actually lived a year without you.

And I never realized what it is like to not have you in my life until that moment when I saw you again in your house.

Because that is what it would have been like if we had never gotten married.

You would be living on your own, and I would be as well.

We would live away from each other.

Nothing breaks my heart more than having to stay away. From you. From our life.

I miss us, Travis.

I miss you.

I had never realized what the word longing has meant until this moment.

It is different when you left and divorced me. It is like there is no way you were coming back, and I had to pretend to be okay without you.

But now... now I have to hold you at arm's reach willingly. I can't be around you, at my own will, which is harder.

Until you find out who sent the letter, this will continue to be my life.

Without you.

Jeanie.

There's nothing worse than pretending everything is okay.

I have already made eye contact with Travis twice since I arrived, and I know there is no way I am going to be able to stay focused on dinner tonight.

The twins are leaving today, and I said I would buy them dinner before they left. They already have all their stuff packed up and in the car.

I hadn't told anybody about what Travis showed me the night before. I knew it was dangerous to do so.

The twins know about Lucy. They know basically everything about this past week's catastrophe. Except that.

But when we arrived, I looked around the room. I see Travis sitting at a booth, staring, and watching as we walked into the building.

And I found it hard not to keep watching back.

It hurt. It hurt to be so far away from him, and not be able to go and talk to him.

I still don't know why he is here. Or how he knew I was going to be here.

But he is here, and that is all that matters.

"We're gonna miss you, Cuz," Caryn says, and I smile at her. She stuffs her face with fries.

"Yeah," Susie grins. "I hope... everything goes alright. Keep us updated alright?"

I nod. "I will." I say, although knowing there will be a lot I will have to keep from them.

But they don't need to know that.

We finish dinner, and my gaze has already traveled across the room and found Travis' gaze on me.

It gave me hope that he is here. That he still remembers me. Us. That he is still wanting to marry me again.

That he still loves me.

At least that's what he said.

I can only hope it's true.

"Thanks for dinner," Caryn says, and I hug both of the girls. And I can't breathe after I receive them.

"Thanks for coming," I say, grinning at them.

"Thanks for having us," Susie says, hand on my shoulder as she pulls in for a hug.

I embrace her. And I look over her shoulder to see Travis, staring down at his table, then back up at me.

He smiles.

And I feel butterflies in my stomach.

He never failed to do that.

We all pull away and head outside. They get inside their car and honk as they drive away.

I watch as they leave, hugging my waist in the cold.

They disappear on the road, and I turn back around to head back to get my purse.

But there stands Travis. Purse in hand.

I walk slowly towards him.

He stands tall. As he always does. His broad shoulders make him appear taller, and can't help but feel safe and warm.

We stand a few feet apart, in arms reach, and I want nothing more than his touch. A hug. A handshake.

Anything.

But he doesn't move. And neither do I.

Because we both know how dangerous it is if we did. Travis is protecting me by keeping me at arm's reach. He can love me from afar.

And I can love him from afar. Even if it hurts too.

I know that if it is up to me, we would be together. Because it's my life on the line. And somehow it doesn't seem so important when I'm away from another part of me.

Because Travis is a huge part of my life.

But he, being the smart one, wants me to live.

But what is living without the person you love?

Travis hands me my purse. I take it from him, our fingers touching slightly. He pulls away.

"Thanks."

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to.

I smile. "What are you doing here?" I ask him, unsure if I can talk to him or not.

"I had to see you."

Those five words warm my heart more than he can know. How long I have waited to hear those words.

How many times I have dreamed of this man saying it to me again.

He had said it to me once before. Right after he had proposed the first time, and I rejected him. He is going away on a trip after that, one that would decide his future.

And he stopped by at my work. I had just gotten on break, and he asked to see me.

I had asked him the exact question I just asked him.

He then said the exact words he just said to me now.

"Why?"

I respond differently this time. That time I had just hugged him. I knew he was leaving for a long time.

"I'm... I thought that since we couldn't be together, I thought it best to leave."

I feel all the color drain from my face.

"Leave where? How long?"

His head dips. That is not a good sign. He always has that face on when he is either going to tell me the bad news or has just been hurt.

He did that the two times I rejected his proposals.

"I don't know. I think it best I don't tell you anyway."

"How long?" I repeat.

His eyes lock with mine. I already know the answer before he can say a word.

He's not coming back.

I turn my whole body away from him. I feel my shoulders droop. I know that the tears are coming and that I need to leave now or I will be a mess.

"Jeanie-"

He cuts himself off. I feel his hand on my shoulder. I want to shrug it off, show I didn't care, but I had waited too long to do this.

I turn back as quickly as I could, and seeing how close he became, I slowly wrap my arms around his neck, going up on my tiptoes. I bury my face in the crook of his neck.

It doesn't even take a second before his arms found their way around my waist, stopping me from pulling away even if I want to.

I breathe in. In his scent, his touch, him. My Travis. My Travis.

Who is leaving...

I close my eyes. Why does someone want us apart? Why does someone want to separate us?

I don't know if I can handle this. The separation. I had been without him a year and barely survived.

How could I do it permanently?

"You can't leave," I murmur.

"I have to."

I pull away to look into his face. But his arms are still wrapped around me.

"I love you too much not to leave."

A single tear falls down my cheek. His one arm moves from my waist to wipe it off. Then he cups my cheek with his hand.

Our foreheads meet.

"I'm sorry."

Then he plants a small kiss on my mouth, pulling away quickly. I let him release me, and I just about cry as he walks away.

He's gone.

And I'll never see him again.