JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I don't want to write this letter.

As much as I need to.

I had planned to give all my letters to you before you left, but then decided I thought I needed them more.

But I am writing this letter to give you.

Which is the whole reason I do not want to write it. Just because of the fact that it is going to be the last thing of me you receive.

Before you leave my life.

Again.

But... this time is different. And I need to think of it differently.

Not as if I am being left with no way of knowing you left until after it is too late.

As far as I know, you haven't left yet.

Yet...

I am writing this letter... to let you know that I will be waiting for you if you ever come back.

I have talked it over with Fran. I know that even though you hurt me when you left, I will always love you. So, if you still love me and want me if you ever come back, I won't turn you away.

Because I want to be with you. I love you.

It's amazing how much you miss a person when they aren't in your life.

Which is me every moment I am without you.

I had thought about it. After you left. What I could do to keep my mind off of you.

I couldn't come up with anything. But Fran did.

She told me to move on.

I actually laughed in her face.

It's true though. If I ever wanted to stop thinking about you, it would be to find another man.

If what I have written scares you, I'm glad. Because it scares me too. To even think about marrying someone else is terrifying.

Which is why I laughed. I knew it would never happen.

I haven't thought of anything else. But that's okay, I'll think of something eventually.

Even though you are leaving, I am glad that I know now. As hard as it is going to be.

But in my heart, I know that you must be coming back. Probably later than sooner, but I know that you must plan to come back.

Which makes the waiting easier.

If I don't stop now, I might keep writing forever and never send this letter.

So goodbye, Travis.

For now.

Jeanie.

I hang my head. It is going to take a miracle for me to get out of bed.

Luckily I set my alarm earlier so I have a few minutes to lay in bed before I have to get up.

But when I close my eyes, it feels like a second later I see my mom shaking me to get up, yelling my name.

I panic, look at my clock, then realize I only slept ten minutes. I still have time to get ready.

I get dressed in some old clothes and head out of my room into my small kitchen.

I frown when I see my Mother milling about the kitchen, preparing breakfast.

"Mom?" I ask, coming over to her. "What are you doing?"

Her head whips up, and she smiles, then frowns at my apparel, "Making you breakfast, dear. What are you wearing?"

I glance down at my clothes, then look back up at her, "Clothes. Why are you here?"

She laughs, "Because you asked me to pick up your dry cleaning, so I decided to visit you."

I roll my eyes. What is it going to take for her to realize that I had moved out? And don't want her coming over every other day.

I had tried my best not to ask her to bring my stuff to my house or run my errands, but today I couldn't do it myself.

And I made the mistake of giving her a key to the apartment.

"And back to what you're wearing. How do you expect Travis to like you with that outfit on, honey? You don't exactly look like you're ready to go on a date."

"Mom, I've told you, we are going fishing. I am not wearing nice clothes on a boat for four hours, to look nice for a guy," I say, then grab an apple from the counter.

"Not just any boy, Lara Jean. Travis."

I smirk, "And he's just a guy. Besides, it's not a date. He's my best guy friend. We're friends."

"Sure dear. And he doesn't look at you like you're just friends."

I frown. I like Travis. I do. He's a great guy. Almost too great. A guy like him has to have something bad that no one knows about. Besides, mom thought dad is perfect.

She wouldn't be saying that now.

I had already told myself that I wouldn't let myself get involved with any guy. Not until I am sure he is the One.

And then I have to keep in mind that I am my Mother's daughter. Maybe having husbands that leave run in the family. I'll never know.

You can never be too careful.

I had already watched my mom suffer through one husband leaving. I don't want mine to. I thought I should be better than my Mother is.

She always told me after that, "Find someone who is worthy enough."

I guess she didn't realize that that is near impossible.

"I need to leave, mom. I'm assuming you'll let yourself out?" I ask her, grabbing my purse and phone, shrugging on a jacket. It is supposed to be warm today, but I am always cold.

And this way I don't need to receive the jacket that Travis will most likely offer me.

"Alright, hon, I'll see you soon."

I stop at the door, "Mom, I'm twenty. I'm fine by myself. You don't need to be here all the time."

She nods, "I know. But ever since you moved out a few months ago, it feels empty at the house. With John gone all the time, I miss you."

I sigh. I know she hates goodbyes. But she only had a month of hating the goodbye to my father before she got over him.

Why can't I be the same?

I know I shouldn't think like that. After all, she is my Mother.

"I know," I say, "and I appreciate you picking up my dry cleaning. But you should probably get home. You'll be all alone in this house, and I won't be back until after John gets home."

I am already out of the door now.

"Will you ever refer to him as your father?"

I shut the door. I want to ignore the question. But I answer anyway.

"Nope."

Someone honks. I glance up. I see Travis pulling up in his Jeep, and I am glad to get away for a morning.

Especially since my mom is here.

Travis hops out of the car, jogging his way over to me. I smile. He is wearing clothes similar to the style I am wearing.

Even though I know I am right, I don't want Travis thinking this is a date.

Because it isn't, we were just friends.

"Hey," he greets, coming to stand next to me. I feel a little small next to him, but I know I will always feel this way.

He is almost a whole foot taller than me.

"Hi," I say, then give him a side hug. Nothing too overly friendly.

"You sure know how to dress for the occasion," He comments and I laugh.

"My mom wanted me to wear something nice, and then I told her what we were doing."

He chuckles. "Yeah, a dress wouldn't exactly be that comfortable while in a boat."

Exactly.

"Your Mom is here?" Travis asks, hands in his pockets.

I nod, then look at the window, where I see her face. She is watching us. I motion to it, and he smiles, quickly turning to the window.

"Morning, Mrs. Reynold," He says, a cheesy smile on his face. He even waves.

I can't hold back a smile.

My Mother just grins sheepishly and moves away from the window after a wave. Then I glance at Travis as he grins to himself, looking proud of himself.

I just shake my head, and move towards his car, letting myself in. Travis is right behind me and shuts my door before going to his side.

He gets in, and it's like he just fills the entire car up with his body. I feel small again.

After he starts the car, we are on our way, only taking about fifteen minutes to get to Travis' favorite fishing spot.

We unload his car and grab all the fishing gear and the bag of snacks. Then we pull out the small boat he used when he went fishing with his guy friends. We pull it up to the bank and let it sit there while we get the rest of the stuff.

Travis insists on carrying everything, but I ignore his protests of me carrying stuff, which makes me laugh. He's always been the one to not make me do anything.

He's just cocky.

But it is a good cocky. He is one of the few people who actually care about my well-being and actually want the best for me.

One of the reasons he's the best guy friend I had.

Then again, I don't have many regular guy friends in the first place.

We finally got on the water. Travis has already got my line all ready, and I toss my line in while he gets his bait in the hook on his fishing pole.

Every time we go fishing, whoever gets the biggest fish is able to ask the other person something personal, dare them to do something, or push them off the boat.

So far, I have won twice, and he has won zero.

I pushed him off the boat twice.

I know he hates that the most. I know he doesn't mind saying something personal, and I feel awkward asking that stuff of him. And with the dare one, I am never good at thinking of a good one. Or any.

Travis is better at that than me.

I had mentioned to Travis the last time we did this, which is only two weeks ago, that we should have the loser have to buy the winner something of their choice.

But he never made it a rule.

"Still thinking about my offer about that rule I mentioned last time?" I ask him, as I don't reel in anything yet, so it is quiet except for our voices.

He smirks at me, "You really want to buy me something, huh?"

I shake my head, grinning, "Okay, who has won the past two times? Come on, who's won?" I ask, teasing.

He sighs. "You."

I smile. "And who is going to win this time?" I ask, waiting for him to say the correct words.

"Me," He says confidently.

I nod. "Okay, sure."

I had hoped that the next hour I would catch a big fish, but I am soon starting to hope I caught anything at all.

But Travis hasn't caught anything yet either, so I am safe.

For now.

"Oh boy," Travis says, reeling in, struggling a little bit. I watch in earnest as he finally gets his reel out of the water.

Travis grins as he is finally able to look at the fish he caught.

It's tiny.

I laugh and laugh. He is so hoping it is going to be a large one, but it is about the size of my index finger.

"At least I caught something," he says, and I scowl at him, and he chuckles.

"Just wait. My catch will blow you away," I say, and he just shakes his head.

It is just about time to leave, and I still haven't caught anything. But Travis hasn't caught anything else.

But just as we're about to go in, I feel a tug on my line, and I begin to reel in. I reel and reel, finally hoping to push Travis off the boat again.

When I get the line out of the water, I hold up the line in front of my face.

It is a medium-size fish. Not overly large, like I wanted it to be, but still. It's bigger than Travis'.

I glance at Travis, and he looks a little panicky. I smile. He must not want to be tossed off the boat again.

"Who did you say is gonna win?" I ask him, smiling smugly.

He swallows, his Adam apple bobbing. "I definitely said you. From the beginning," he says, and I just laugh.

He smiles.

I go to take the fish off the hook, but it suddenly won't budge. I try my best to find the hook in the fish's mouth, but instead of the hook, I only see this shiny thing inside.

"Uh, Travis? There's something in the mouth that is stopping me from getting the hook," I say, and he scrambles over to me, taking the fish from my hands.

He peers inside the mouth, and his eyes widen, and he digs around in the mouth.

Then he hands it back to me.

"Try again."

I frown, not sure why he can't do it, but I'm not about to object and I pull the hook out.

It actually comes out this time, quite easily, and I toss the fish back in the water.

But when I glance at the hook to take it off, I see what the shiny thing is.

There, sitting on the hook, covered in fish slobber, is a ring. With a beautiful diamond on it, glittering in the sunshine.

I go rigid when I see it. Because then I know exactly what is coming next.

I don't even look at Travis. I don't know what to say, and I don't even want to listen to what he has to shy.

Maybe he didn't know it was here. Maybe this is someone else's.

No. It looks like a ring I would wear. He knows me so well.

Too well.

I look at Travis. His eyes are on the ring, his whole body tense and rigid.

"This is not how I thought this is going to go," he mutters, glancing at me, then at the ring.

"This is yours, I believe," I say, taking the ring off to hand it to him.

But he doesn't take it. He shakes his head.

"Actually, I was kind of hoping you would someday wear it," He says, and then I know exactly what he's going to say next.

So I save him the embarrassment, "Travis, wait. Look, if this is for me, it's beautiful, but I can't take it."

"Jeanie..." he trails off.

"Look, I like you. As a friend. But I don't want to marry you. I'm sorry."

He hangs his head.

"Okay," He says, looking at me. He gazes into my eyes, and I don't want to, but I see the tears that are in his.

Oh, Travis.

I'm sorry. I like you a lot. But I'm too young to have my heart broken.

We start to head in, and I let Travis carry everything in. I thought it best not to be around him right now.

With everything packed up, we head back to my place. Before I get out, I realize I still have the ring in my hand.

I turn to Travis and grab his hand. I place the ring in his palm, fold it over, then quickly leave the car.

"Thanks for today, Travis, it is nice," I say just before I shut the car door.

When I slam it shut, he takes off after a moment's hesitation.

I feel horrible as I walk into my apartment.

When I open the door, I realize I never made Travis jump in the water.

I guess it isn't important then.

"How was it, dear?" I hear when I open the door.

I groan. Why is she still here?

"It is fine," I reply, hanging my purse on a hook.

She comes out of the bathroom. "Do you think he doesn't like you now?" She asks.

I frown. How did she...?

He must have told them he is going to propose.

"Any exciting news?" She asks, her voice elevated.

I go straight to my room, shutting the door softly.

"No," I whisper.