JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I saw you.

The real you. Tonight. You told me things that only you would know.

You're back.

I never thought that it would have happened. I kept doubting Lucy would let you go. But she did.

And I pushed you away.

I don't regret it. But also do.

I'm conflicted about it. Because as much as I love you, do I really want to take the chance that you'll leave me again? That I'll have to go through that heartbreak again?

I don't know the answer.

Which is why I'm struggling.

Seeing and talking to you felt good. I had said the words I wanted to say to you for a year. And I finally told them to you.

It felt good.

But it helped me find relief that you remember me now. You remember what you left when you did. You remember the memories. You remember our marriage.

And you remember me. Which I find the most important.

I don't know how long I could have gone without having you back. Without knowing that you aren't able to speak to me about our life.

But not as before. Something has broken.

Something I believe can never be fixed.

I used to find pain when I thought about you. Now I feel anger and regret.

I never knew how much I would miss the pain.

Now the anger and regret have no mercy.

Jeanie.

"I thought you said you didn't think Lucy would do it?"

"I didn't!"

Fran shakes her head. Jared sits on the couch, his expression unreadable.

"So he remembers you now?"

I nod.

"I'm going to go and talk to him." Jared stands, and I feel panic squeeze my chest.

Fran grabs my arm. "No don't, babe. Please don't."

He looks at me. I don't know why, but I slowly find myself nodding.

Then he leaves.

"Why did you do that?" She asks me.

I shrug. "If anyone can talk to Travis about me, it's Jared. Besides, they are best friends."

"You don't know how upset he is when he found out about the divorce. I had to convince him not to go beat him up."

I swallow.

"If he's not back in half an hour, I'm going to call him. I can't have him arrested or anything."

"I'm sure he'll be fine. He's got a good head on his shoulders, your Jared."

She smiles lovingly. "Yeah."

I can't help but envy her. They have been married for about a month, and everything is going good as it seems. I have a feeling that it will last.

Fran sighs, "Do you know what Jared does every night ever since you got divorced?"

I shake my head, hesitantly.

"He either called me before we were married, but now he pulls me into his arms and whispers in my ear, "I love you, and nothing can ever make me leave you"."

I smile and rub her arm.

She smiles back. "I think he knew what I was thinking when Travis left. That when everyone knew that he loved you, they just couldn't believe it. So Jared relieves that off my chest, even though I know deep down he would never do that."

"Jared's the best," I whisper.

She nods. "So is Travis."

I feel a tear slip down my cheek.

"Would you ever take him back?"

I shrug, wiping my cheek, a motion Travis would usually do for me, "I don't know. I rejected him at the house, so I don't think I would."

"He's a jerk, you know that right?"

I nod. "Yeah."

We stay silent.

Then I ask, "If you were in my shoes, would you take Jared back?"

"Without a doubt."

"Even if it is his choice to leave you?"

"Somehow, I don't think it is Travis' choice. What kind of man is he? Answer this to me honestly. What is his most defining attribute?"

I don't even have to think about it, "He's smart and kind, he cares about you and what you're feeling even though he barely knows you, he would lay down his pride for your feelings, he would die for you, he... loves with his whole heart."

Fran grins. "So, if you were in his shoes, why would you leave the person you claimed to love?"

"You didn't love them completely and totally."

"No. I think Travis would know who he loves and who he doesn't. He knows who he would die for and not die for. He knows himself. I think that he left because maybe... he didn't think that he is good enough."

I feel my heart clench. But it should have been the other way around. I don't deserve him.

"He grew up in a family of fourteen, and is the eldest. He knew his place. But I know that he struggled with how he thought other people thought of him. He is a people pleaser. Not like a pushover, but still. He thought about it."

I forgot that Fran knows him almost as well as I do. She has known him longer than I have.

"So you think that he didn't think he is good enough for me, and thought I would be better off without him?"

"That's my thought. Because I knew that he loved you."

"How?" I ask.

"What?"

"How did you know that?"

"Because, Jeanie, he is one of my best friends in high school. I knew him. I still know him. When he knew you, he talked about you. He would ask me questions about you. He spoke about you in love, and he cared about your well-being. I had never seen a man so in love. He loves you."

Another tear ran down my cheek. Then another.

"But wouldn't he talk to me about that? I always told him, before he asked me to marry him, that I didn't feel worthy to marry any man. And he would always remind me of the things that are worthy of me. But if he felt conflicted about that, why wouldn't he tell me because I knew how it felt?"

She shrugs. "Men are different. I think if they feel like they are exposing their weaknesses, their pride is hurt."

I stay quiet. If this is true, then apparently my husband never trusted me to tell me that he struggled with this.

That he thought I am better off without him.

Which is insane. Because I can think of all the reasons that he is worthy. And all the reasons I am not worthy of him.

But maybe that's how he is too.

I don't always tell him what I feel like to him, and maybe he felt the same way.

"You're thinking about it, aren't you?" Fran asks, and I nod. I glance at her, and see her staring at her phone. I can tell she's worried about Jared and what he might do.

"Call him," I say.

Her head lifts. "What?"

"Call him," I say, motioning to her phone.

She sighs. "I should."

Then she calls his number, which is labeled 'Babe' on her contact list. I smile.

He doesn't pick up. It goes to his ringtone.

Fran looks at me.

I frown.

"What?"

"I think I should go get him."

"Why?"

"He isn't answering. Something's wrong." She stands. I am still frowning, confused. But then I remember what Fran has told me about her husband before he met her.

In high school, he had to be the number one kid who picked fights.

"His temper has gotten better, but I know he can still lose it. I've seen the way his jaw kept twitching when you were talking about your encounter with Travis. He looked mad."

I swallow.

"Do you really think he would hurt Travis?"

She nods as she heads towards the door and grabs her purse, keys, and shoes. I slide on some shoes.

"Most definitely. Especially if provoked. As good of friends they are, I don't think he would hesitate to punch him. I've heard of a few stories in high school about them fighting."

We move, quickly, to the car. We hop in and make our way to Travis' house. I feel a sad look come onto my face as I look at his house.

I have to keep reminding myself that we are divorced. And that, of course, he would have to get his own house.

But it still hurts. Even just looking at it hurt.

We walk up to the driveway, and I see Jared's car sitting on the street.

I swallow hard.

Fran knocks on the door. There is no answer, and she tries the handle. It is open. We go inside, and I feel panic twist my stomach like a knife.

I hear a voice. It sounds like Jared's.

We find a corner. I am not familiar with this house, so I feel lost when we come into what seems like a living room.

There is Jared, standing near a couch, while Travis is sitting, a bruise on his cheek near his eye. I frown as I look at it, almost feeling his pain.

Their heads turn in our direction.

Travis immediately stands when he meets my gaze.

"Jeanie."

I involuntarily take a step back.

Jared comes between him and me. "Don't even, man," he says.

They have the same build. Travis has wider shoulders, but other than that they are both built, tall, and both very handsome.

"What are you girls doing here?" Jared asks, glancing at Fran specifically.

Like he knew she would end up showing up.

"To keep you guys from roasting each other, but apparently I'm too late," She says, nodding to Travis' shiner.

"He deserved that one."

"There's more?" Fran asks. She doesn't sound or look mad, but I know she is. She is good at hiding it.

"I did, Franny. I did," Travis says, defending him, even though he's the one who's hurt.

I find myself smiling. That's the Travis I know.

"Yes, but they're hidden," Jared says, looking a little amused.

"Jeanie, can I talk to you?" Travis asks, looking at me.

Jared starts to come and defend me, but I nod. "Sure."

"Are you sure?" Jared asks, coming to stand next to me. I nod again, and he leads Fran outside.

Fran gestures to her phone and I nod, tapping my back pocket which contained mine. I would call her if I needed her.

Once the front door closes, I swallow and turn to Travis, who has his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"You haven't changed anything with our house," He says. I turn my head. I forgot that he had been in there. The twins texted me about having already encountered him, that he had been there, and had been waiting for me.

"My house," I say, "you signed it over when you divorced me," My tone is harsh.

"Right," he says. "Sorry."

I would usually smile and say that I forgive him, but we aren't married anymore. I don't owe him anything.

"What do you want?"

"To explain."

I wait.

"To explain why I left," he finishes.

I don't think I am emotionally ready for what he is about to say, but I take a seat on a couch across from him, waiting for him to speak.

But the thing I am most unready for is if he is confirming my suspicions or Fran's.

I don't know which I prefer.

Actually, that's a lie. I do.

I would much rather have Fran's than mine.

"Okay," I say when he doesn't speak.

He sighs. "I had... a woman come to my house about a year and a few months ago. About two weeks before I left.

"She came quickly, while you were out getting groceries. She gave me a letter, then left. I never saw her again."

I frown. This still doesn't explain.

He digs into his coat pocket, until he pulls out a grey envelope, stands up, and hands it to me. I feel unsettled as he watches me open the already opened envelope, and read the contents.

"To whom it may concern,

This letter holds the contents of something very important to the woman you are married to.

Seven months ago, we were informed of your marriage to a Lara Jean Clayton. If we had known before you were planning to marry her, we would have prevented it altogether.

So, this letter is a warning to you, a Travis Stone.

If you ever have any contact with your wife again, or any kind of connection that is not completely severed, we will be forced to take action.

Starting with the homicide of your wife.

Sincerely, Sincerely."

I feel my chest tightening during the letter, and when I finish it, I can't breathe.

The letter falls from my hands and slowly drifts to the ground.

Travis catches it, stuffing it into his pocket.

I don't glance up. I can't. I don't want to see his expression.

"I'm sorry, Jeanie."

I clasp my shaky hands together. "What is this?" I ask him, turning.

His eyes are misty. "I received it. The letter. I didn't know if this person was bluffing or not, but I just couldn't take the chance. I didn't believe it at first, and when the two weeks crawled by, I received another letter. With the same message. I left that night."

I look into his eyes to see if he is telling the truth, and there is no lie in his eyes. None. He is sincere.

"Who sent this?" I ask.

"I don't know."

"So, after you left, you were immediately hypnotized? By Lucy?"

"Apparently. I don't really remember anything after that."

"Did you tell anyone about the divorce?"

He shakes his head.

"Then how did Lucy know?"

"I don't know."

"Do you know anything?" I ask, my voice breaking unexpectedly, and I sit up, turning my head away from him.

His hand clutches mine, and his other hand turns my head to face him.

"I know for a fact that I don't want to leave you. That I love you, and I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you," He whispers.

He cradles my head and slowly rests his lips on mine.

But my arms wrap around his waist simultaneously, the movement familiar as he presses harder against my lips, deepening it.

I feel myself losing focus as his hands sway into my hair, and down my neck, resting on my shoulders. He suddenly breaks off the kiss, closes his eyes, and leans his head back.

"I missed you so much."

I smile, putting one hand on his face, and he looks at me, our eyes meeting. I can still feel his breath on my cheek.

"I missed you too," I say, and I don't even finish my sentence before his lips find mine again.

But this time I break it off.

"So what does this mean?" I whisper as he places his forehead on mine, closing his eyes.

"I don't know."

"You still don't know who this person is?"

"Right."

"Well, then, I think we should stop kissing," I say, leaning back. He frowns. "At least for now."

He laughs. "Jeanie, I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry about all of it. I'm sorry I don't know who this person is who sent this letter."

I push against his waist, the familiar touch comfortable, "So we still can't be together. Because I might die," I say it as a statement, not a question.

"Yes," he says, closing his eyes.

I stand, his arms falling to his waist.

"Well, now what are we supposed to do, Travis?" I ask him.

"I don't know."

"Well, I'm assuming I have to leave you this time."

He stands, "Jeanie-"

"Travis, maybe this is better for both of us. Maybe we weren't supposed to stay married."

"No!" He exclaims, grabbing my wrist.

I tug, but I don't come free.

"Jeanie, I love you. And I will always love you. We were not meant to be apart, and I'm sorry we were for so long."

"Let go."

"Never."

"Travis, stop-"

"Listen to me, Jeanie. I will try to figure out who this person is. But you have to know that whatever happens, I still love you."

I look into his eyes as he plants a kiss on my forehead.

"Okay?"

I nod. "Fine."

He smiles sadly. "This is going to work out. I promise. We have to be apart for a little longer or else I might lose you."

I stand apart from him. "I know the cost," I say.

Then I leave. I shut the door behind me, and let out a breath.

What is happening?