JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I had made it up in my mind to go and talk to you. If I wanted to understand why you left, I needed to ask you.

So today, is the day.

Where I would hopefully find out why you left. Or if you even remember when you left.

I am feeling nervous. It isn't the first time I've felt this or the last. I've always been the nervous kind of person. You know this.

Or you knew it.

I was nervous when I met John for the first time. I was afraid he wouldn't like me.

My assumptions were correct.

Then I was still nervous when I came back from school to stay with John and my mom. I still am really when I go to visit them.

But the only time I remember not ever being nervous, feeling the most calm in my entire life, is when I was walking down that aisle to meet you at the altar.

You always made me so calm. So relaxed because I knew you didn't judge me like I thought everyone else is.

How time has changed. Here I am, finally nervous to actually go and talk to you.

When I was younger, I was always excited to talk to you. Because you made my whole world disappear, and it is just you with me.

And I loved it. I still do somehow, even though we are not together anymore.

But this conversation I hope to have with you, I'm not nervous to actually talk to you. I think I crave that part.

The part I am nervous about is your answers. They could be heartbreaking, or eye-opening.

I'm not sure which one I consider to be the best option, because I hate both.

I've had too many of both in my life.

Which you know. Knew.

You would always tell me not to be nervous to talk to you. You told me that from the beginning.

I still believe that.

I only hope that it goes well. That the questions I have for you are answered. Even if they are not answered quite like I want them to be.

So here goes nothing.

I'm going to go talk to you now.

Jeanie.

I pause at the front door.

My hand is poised to knock, but I stop myself before it hits the door. I don't feel ready.

Lucy must have told Caryn and Susie where Travis is staying because they gave me his address right before I left. I had planned to go ask Lucy herself, but apparently the twins already knew.

This is lucky for me, because I don't feel quite in the mood to go talk to my ex-husband's fiance.

The longer I stand at the door, the more I don't feel like knocking. Or even talking to Travis.

Which had irony written all over it.

But just as I go to knock, the door swings open, and there stands Travis, ready to leave, his coat and shoes on.

I suck in a breath as I look at him.

Still as attractive as ever.

"Hi," I greet, and he freezes. I could tell I've startled him, but I keep talking. "You're going out," I say, and he nods.

"Yeah, I am going to go see Lucy. Can I help you?"

I feel myself cringe inside. He never talks like this. Only when he's nervous.

Well, I'm with ya buddy.

"I am just coming to stop by to ask you a few questions, but I can do it later," I say, turning around quickly, just about to escape from having this conversation.

"Wait."

I halt mid-step.

"I'll call her to tell her I won't be by. Come inside."

I turn around and see him disappearing into the doorway. I slowly follow him and shut the door behind me.

As I walk in through his house to the living room, I can't help but smile. This is so like him, all his decorations, and his manly furniture in here.

I feel tears come to my eyes.

I missed this. His style.

Him.

My house is dressed like this. Except for a little bit of my style, it is mostly his. He has always had more style, the little he has more than me.

I missed it. I feel like I am walking through my own house.

I find Travis in the kitchen, talking on the phone. I am guessing he is chatting with Lucy.

"Yeah, thanks, bye."

He hangs up the phone.

Then he looks at me. He dips his head and crosses his arms. Just that motion brought back memories of us.

I used to be able to be wrapped up in those arms.

Stop it.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

"What did you want to ask me?"

I look at the couch, and walk over to it, taking a seat. I don't mean to be weird, but I think I need to sit down for this.

He follows my move, and sits on another couch, across from me, arms still crossed.

"I only have a few questions. But can you promise me that you won't get all offensive and leave?"

He nods slowly.

"Okay," I start, "What were you doing a year and a half ago? Roughly."

He frowns. "Well, I had just started dating Lucy."

I swallow. "Do you know what you were doing before you started dating her?"

His eyes narrow, and I know he knows why I asked. But then his eyes go back to normal, and he looks like he has a hard time answering.

"I know I was working. I don't remember anything else that specific. It was too long ago."

Not for me.

"Were you dating anyone else?"

"No."

Correct. You were married not dating.

But I knew he wouldn't ever say anything like that.

"Can you give me a specific date that you remember during that time? Any parties you went to, any visits with your family?"

He shakes his head, "I have a horrible memory. I don't remember a ton about that. It isn't a time I really remember anything special that happened."

I don't move. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

He really doesn't know me. He doesn't remember our marriage.

"So you don't remember anything about that time at all?" I ask, holding back the sob in my throat with some difficulty.

"No."

I close my eyes.

"What about high school? Or after high school? Did you know Lucy then?"

"Yes. I knew her in high school, and I knew that she had liked me. I went to school after that, and I never saw her again up until this past year."

"Did you ever have any other girls in your life after high school?"

He frowns. "...No."

"Were you involved with anyone else after high school? Any other girlfriends?"

He doesn't answer.

He has a blank expression on his face.

I find hope in that.

"There is one girl. But I don't remember her face or name. But I do know that I think I fell in love with her. But she didn't want anything to do with me, so I let her go."

No, you didn't. I was that girl. And I fell in love with you too.

"Okay. So you know Fran and Jared Levi?"

"Yes."

Now we are getting somewhere.

"Do you know who Fran's best friend is?"

"No. I only knew her from high school. She did have a friend though, but I don't remember her. I remember getting introduced."

Then his face lights up.

"That girl that Fran is friends with is the girl I fell in love with," He exclaims. Then he looks at me like he is remembering I am still present.

I swallow. He remembers me, but only the memory of me. Not even my face. Or name. Or the fact that we got married.

"Did you ever propose to this girl?"

"Yes. I remember I did. Two times. Both times were rejects. I gave up after that."

I suck in a breath. So she erased my face and name, and the memory of me from the time when he proposed the second time, till he left me.

This is so wrong.

He must think I'm crazy for asking this stuff.

"Can I ask you something?" He asks slowly, surprising me.

"Yes."

"Why do you care so much about this? You don't even know me and I don't know you."

"Travis, that girl that you fell in love with, the girl who rejected you two times, is me."

His eyes widen a little, his mouth parting slightly. He shakes his head immediately, "No you're not. You're only saying that to trick me. You waited until I told you about her."

"But how would I know about her if I wasn't her?"

"You can't be."

"I know all about you Travis. But you didn't propose two times. You proposed three times, and I said yes. You and I got married a year and a half ago. We were married for seven months until you walked out on our marriage. I hadn't seen you up until now."

He stands, shaking his head. "No. That isn't possible. I think I would know if I got married or not."

"Don't you think I wouldn't know that either! Travis, I married you. I loved you. You loved me! You walked out on us, and now I'm just trying to understand why you don't remember me. Why you don't remember what you did. You think I want to do this? You think I want to relive the pain you brought when you left?" my voice rises an octave each sentence that I utter, and I hear how desperate I sound to the point where I know I need to calm down.

He sounds desperate, "Then why don't I remember you?"

I close my eyes. "I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know."

Travis blows out through his nose hard, probably trying to figure this out like I am. I can tell from the way he rubs his temples he's confused.

"I know that even if you do remember me, that you won't come back... to be with me, as much as I want you to, I just wanted to know why you forgot me."

"If I did, it isn't on purpose," he murmurs, looking at me. "I'm just still taking in the fact that I was married to you. What's your name?"

"Jeanie," I say.

He tries it out, "Jeanie."

I almost cried. I have waited so long for him to say my name like that again.

"Say it again," I murmur.

"Jeanie."

I close my eyes.

"I still don't understand why I don't remember you."

"I have an idea, but you aren't going to like it." I bite my lip.

He frowns. "Lucy."

I nod. Wow, he's pretty perceptive.

"How did you know?"

"I'm not blind. I know jealousy when I see it."

I go still.

"You don't believe me."

"I just can't believe you would pull Lucy into this. I've seen the way you look at her with contempt," He says, but there is no malice in his voice. He is perfectly calm.

"I'm not trying to. It's just a hunch that makes sense."

"I don't even want to hear it. Now excuse me, I have to go." His arms cross again, and he stands like a brick wall.

I suddenly feel like I just violated him. I just told him something that to him, is impossible. Of course, he doesn't believe me. Especially something bad about Lucy. He's marrying for goodness sake.

"I'm sorry if I offended you. I am just trying to figure out a few things."

I stand and hurry out of the door. I shut it behind me and lean up against it. Now I just pushed him away without meaning to.

Of course, he would get offensive over his fiancée. He probably wouldn't ever believe that she would do anything about this.

About why he doesn't remember me.

I guess the only way to know for sure is to talk to Lucy herself.

With rising courage, I walk to my car, and type in Lucy's address and drive there. It is only a few minutes away.

I park near her house.