JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I remember the time when you would look at me like that. With that smile as you glance at me from across the room.

And then I would always blush and smile.

Then you would wink at me.

Those were the moments that I wish I still had.

I mean, I saw those moments. Except they were with someone else. Not with me.

It hurts. It really hurts to know that someone you love is loving someone else. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Except watch it all unfold.

I somehow wish I could see what is going on inside your mind when you left that night. When you decided to walk out on our marriage.

Me. You walked out on me too.

Then maybe I could have prevented it. Prevented you from leaving, and convincing you to stay.

But I couldn't. I couldn't.

I wonder what would happen if I ever told you that I loved you again Travis. What would you say? Would you tell me that you love me too? Or would you choose Lucy.

Because that is all I want to say to you. For you to know.

It is because I do love you, Travis. Here and now as I write this to you, I love you.

Are those just words to you? Were they just words to you then?

It's all I want to know as well. I want to know if you would love me back after this. After I figure out why you don't know me.

Why don't you know me, Travis?

Did Lucy hypnotize you to unlove me? To forget me, and love her? To marry her?

I wish I knew what is going on inside your head now. To see if there is just a little bit of love or memory of me.

But I guess I will never know, will I?

Not only will I never see what's going on inside your brain, neither will I ever hear you tell those words to me.

The ones I wish you would say to me. The ones I crave.

The words where you tell me that you love me.

But I won't. Ever again.

Jeanie.

I set the straightener on the counter, flipping my hair a few times. It looked a little presentable after I had blow-dried it and straightened it.

Tonight is a big night.

But it isn't because I thought it was going to be a big night. I knew it.

Travis said that he had something really important to tell me. To ask me.

Again.

I knew what it was going to be.

The last two times he told me this statement, I refused to tell it back to him. Even though I knew deep down it is true.

That I loved him.

But I knew now. That I loved him.

And tonight I am going to tell him even if he didn't tell me.

There is a knock on the door, and I jump in surprise.

He's here.

I open my door, and walk and tumble down the stairs less than perfect. I swing open the door in one breath.

Travis.

He looked nice. He always looks nice. He is dressed in jeans, and a white shirt, with his brown jacket. His hair is slicked back a little, but I could still see his little curls on the back of his head.

I smile.

Even after all the time I had known him, he had never given up on me. Even after I refused his two proposals, he continued to stay by my side.

Not sure where that came from.

"Wow."

And I blush. I always blush when he compliments my appearance.

But he never sounds cheesy doing it. His expression looks genuine and pleased when he looks at me.

He looks at me with love. I see it in his eyes.

I only hope he sees it in mine.

"Hi."

"Ready to go?" He asks. I smirk and nod, grabbing his hand that is stretched out for me.

We walk hand in hand down the sidewalk to the festival that is happening in town. It is always our favorite place to go to, and so I knew exactly how this evening is going to go. I knew he would take me someplace special to propose.

For the third time.

If only he knew how ready I am to say yes this time.

I had talked it over with Fran. I told her I am ready to tell Travis how I felt. About how I really felt.

And then I spent that whole night thinking about it. About Travis.

He had told me about a week ago he wanted to go out and ask me something. So I had a whole week to think about how I am going to respond this time.

And then I broke down. I had been out with him a few nights before I made my decision, and he kissed me. For the first time.

It is short and unexpected, but after that, I really thought about it.

After he kissed me, he mutters under his breath, "I love you, my Jeanie. Someday I will make you see that."

And that is it. I realized then how much he loved me and how much I loved him.

Then I knew that I had to tell him.

Before it is too late. Before he fell for someone else.

"So, I can tell from your silence that you are thinking about the big reason I asked you out tonight.

I smile. Was it too obvious?

"Yes."

"Well, then I won't keep you in suspense. I... got another job. Outside of the city. I wanted to ask you if I should accept it or not?"

I feel the smile fade off my face. Oh, so he isn't planning on asking me.

I feel my knees quake as we reach the festival. The cold wraps around me, and I let out a shiver.

He immediately wraps his jacket around me, leaving him in his long sleeve white shirt.

I mutter a thank you.

He nods.

"Well?"

I look at him, and he frowns. His eyes narrow a little, and he sighs, "I know I shouldn't have started the evening like this, but it's been heavy on my mind."

My love for you has been heavy on my mind.

Do I just tell him?

But this sounds important to him. I should just listen.

But it sounds like he wants to go. Like he has already made his decision. Like he wants me to pick the one where he leaves.

What... What if he's already decided to leave? What if he's been tired of waiting for me to come around and love him, and has found someone else?

I suddenly feel a tear run down my cheek.

I don't want him to leave me.

All I want is to tell him how I feel. About him. About us.

I'm sorry I took so long, Travis.

But I suppose it doesn't matter.

His hand is still clutching mine, and I tear my hand from it. I kiss him on the cheek and run.

I don't know exactly where I'm running to, all I know is that I'm crying, I'm running through a crowd of people, and hearing Travis shout out my name.

But I don't stop. Until I feel a hand clasp around my wrist, and pull me to a stop.

A sob leaves my throat as I turn around to see Travis, standing behind me. He pulls me close to him, his fingers not letting me go.

He comes closer, his breath on my cheek, panting from running.

I hear nothing else except my own pounding heart.

"Jeanie," he says, and the way he says it makes me cry harder as if he's saying goodbye, "Why are you crying?" He asks tenderly.

I want to turn and run, but his grip is tight but gentle.

"It's nothing," I say as I sniff in, turning from him.

"Jeanie, what is it?"

"I don't want you to leave."

He keeps quiet as if he knows that I have more to say.

My voice is shaky as I continue, "Travis, I came tonight expecting one question. The question that I finally have an answer for you."

His eyes are on me. Hard, set, and happy.

He never moves.

"I-I wanted to tell you when you asked me. Because I am finally ready to tell you."

"What question?"

I look him in the eye, "I think you know."

He smiles.

"Alright then, Jeanie," he starts, "Will you marry me?"

I take in a deep breath. I smile, and bring his hand to my chest, "Yes."

He leans down. "And now what did you want to tell me?"

I press my cheek to his, his five o'clock shadow scratching my face, but I barely feel it, "I love you, Travis. I don't want you to leave and get a different job. I want you here. With me."

He pulls back, and I am suddenly afraid he doesn't like what I said.

But then he smiles. "Jeanie, I'm not going anywhere."

He brings his lips down to meet mine.

"I love you too," He whispers between kisses.

I let a smile climb onto my face as I wrap my arms around him, and his around me.

"So, you want to marry me?" He whispers again, our lips apart.

I nod. "Yes. I don't want anything else. Except you."

He kisses me again.

"I'm yours."

"I'm yours. I'm yours. I'm yours."

I wake up touching my lips.

But the dream did not happen again.

It is just a memory.

And only a memory.