JEANIE

Dear Travis,

This letter is going to be short, okay?

I dreamed about us. Again. It keeps popping up in my mind, the thoughts of us and pictures of us.

But this time I dreamed of a whole scene. Of us, after we got home from our honeymoon.

I cried when I woke up.

Because I missed you so much.

I missed us so much.

I still do.

Nothing helps. Only thinking of you and dreaming of you does.

Which helps none of us.

Jeanie.

I am the last person through the door.

Mother hugs us as we walk in, and I can't help but smile at her face. She loves Caryn and Susie like they are her own daughters, unlike their actual mother.

"How is your mother?" She asks the girls.

If anything were to make these girls frown, it is this question, "Not better, Aunt. Not better," Caryn mutters.

Mother frowns.

John comes up behind her, and for the first time, he has a smile on his face. The only people I know to make him smile are my Mother and Caryn and Susie.

He probably loves them more than me.

Probably because he is distantly related to them and not me.

"Come in! Come in!" Mother says, shutting the door behind us. We all walk into the living room, Mother scurrying behind us.

We all sit down, and that's when I smell the food in the other room. I feel my stomach growl.

"Why don't we eat?" John suggests, obviously not looking to sit down and chat without a bowl of food in front of him.

No one objects, so we all make our way to the dining area, where I am seated in between Mother and John.

Mother serves the food, and it turns out that we're having chili. We all get steaming bowls, and I am the last to get mine.

Once we all have our food, mom breaks out the cornbread and we all dig in.

I blow on my spoonful, and close my eyes, glad I have something to eat.

One of the many things I changed when I moved out is to have dinner way earlier than seven-thirty.

I glance at the clock and see that it is five over seven-thirty and frown.

At my house, I ate at five. Or sometimes earlier.

Too much time between noon and seven-thirty.

"This is amazing, Aunt Anne. Absolutely amazing." Susie mutters as she chows down.

Mom smiles, "Well, I'm glad you like it. It is always Lara Jean's favorite when she is younger."

"Still is," I say. "It is very good mom, thanks."

Caryn repeats a mix of what we've just said and Mother shakes her head.

"No thank you for visiting. I know how hard it must be back at home."

Susie nods. "Yeah well, I'm glad we could come, and see you all. We missed seeing you guys last Christmas."

We all nod, and Mother smiles sadly.

That is when Travis left.

Just a little over a year ago.

I eat my food in silence.

"I wanted to go. The food is always amazing," John whines, and I can almost feel his glare.

When Travis left, a few months before Christmas, mom made us all mourn as if he had died. She didn't leave the house for three months and didn't let John leave either. Only to work.

And I don't think John has let me live it down.

I just didn't go because it would have been too painful, all the questions and slights at him. At me. About our life and what I did wrong.

If anyone talked about anything in our family, it is about mistakes.

And apparently, I would've been the mistake in our marriage.

Although mom would disagree.

But John wouldn't.

And there goes my appetite.

I stand up from the table. "May I be excused?"

"Sure honey, go right ahead," Mom says, taking one spoonful.

I leave the room quickly, and take a walk down the hallways where I grew up.

Where my father lived.

Where I hoped Travis and I would visit.

Well, we did, but only in the time span of seven months.

Seven just seems to be my lucky number.

Dinner at seven, Travis leaving at seven months. What's next? I die in seven years?

I place a hand on my face, right over my one eye. I take in a deep breath, and try to think calmly.

Maybe I could go home without anyone noticing and take a short shower. I feel the need to be refreshed, but I knew Mother would be thinking I would ruin the evening.

And John would come alongside her, although I knew he would want me to leave.

I can't leave. They would be disappointed, the girls.

Maybe after dessert, they will want to leave.

I shake my head. They wouldn't. They would stay overnight if they could.

I hear them all walking out of the dining room, and I scurry into the bathroom. I flush the toilet and wait a few more seconds, running the water in the sink. Then I leave the bathroom and find the living room.

When I sit down, Caryn sits next to me, while Susie and Mom sit in a chair together. John takes the rocking chair that doesn't move and reads his paper.

Susie and Caryn start talking about home, and I just sit and listen. Mom talks when she can and there ends up being a few laughs.

At least mom and John weren't yelling at each other. Although I knew that if the girls weren't here, they would be.

Around ten, the girls stand, and I do too. We say our goodbyes, although mom says we can stay longer. We all shake our heads and then hug her.

John has already vacated to his room around nine.

I drove us home, and when we got back, Caryn and Susie wanted to take showers, so they hogged the shower for a full hour until I could finally take mine.

I crawl into bed around eleven fifteen, wanting to just sleep. But my mind is too awake, and I can't seem to turn my mind off.

"Wake up!"

I sit up, knocking heads with a face. We both yell in pain, and I open my eyes.

"Susie!" I exclaim.

"Sorry! But you overslept! We were supposed to be at the festival an hour ago," she babbles, and the more I listen, the more awake I feel.

"What?" I half yell as I scramble out of my king size bed. I throw off my PJs and put on some warm clothes.

I run out of my room, probably looking half dead, there is Caryn on the couch, wrapped up on a blanket, eyes not even open.

I frown at Susie, "What time is it?"

"Nine."

"Crap," I mutter under my breath. We had planned to go at eight yesterday morning but it looks like that isn't going to happen.

"Should we just plan to go at ten?"

"No, nine-thirty. Turn on the jets. I'll make breakfast, you guys get ready to go," I give out the orders.

Caryn and Susie scramble into the guest bedroom, and the door slams shut. I cringe but walk into the kitchen. I quickly scramble some eggs and sausage and put some on three plates.

They both came out once the plates are on the table.

"Yummy," Caryn mutters, taking a seat and eating her food quickly.

Susie eats hers standing. I eat mine at the counter, gobbling it down.

"There'll be food there. Eat, and grab your purses. I got my car ready. Come on," I say, throwing my plate in the trash, drinking my water in one gulp.

We all head out to the car. We make it to the festival, which is right down the road. It only took a few minutes, and luckily all they are doing is marching band.

Someone hands us a flyer, and I glance at it, seeing the times of the shows of whatever is going to happen on it.

"Let me see," Caryn says, glancing over my shoulder. It has a few shows, and then it also has a few people we would see marching down the street.

"Cool," Susie says, glancing over my other shoulder, reading it. I hand it to them, and they take it to read it themselves.

I stand still in the cool air. I take in a deep breath and glance around.

All the colors and leaves are just the prettiest thing. I smile as I glance at all the people, remembering how much I love this place.

The Fall Festival is always my favorite.

All the other ones are fun, but this one is my favorite.

Travis' too. He loved the shows.

But he always told me what he loved the most about it is how big I smiled.

I smile and close my eyes. Always the romantic, Travis is. He never failed to make me laugh or smile. Or hit him in the arm.

Which I usually did the latter.

"Ah, catch it!" I hear Caryn say, as the flyer flew through the air. I smile and tell them I would get it.

It flies over my head, and I follow it, pushing past everyone, muttering an excuse as I did. Finally, someone's boot stops it, and I bend down to pick it up. But someone has already bent down and retrieved it for me.

He has the paper in the hands, and he hands it to me.

"Thank you..." I say, looking up at the stranger.

The thanks dies on my lips. When I lock eyes with the stranger, I realize they are not a stranger after all.

I would know those blue eyes anywhere.

"Here you go, ma'am," he says.

I don't take the paper. I just stare into the eyes of the man who was my husband a year ago.

"Travis," I say, feeling tears cloud my vision of his beautiful face.

He frowns. Which is something my Travis never did often, "I'm sorry? Do I know you?" he asks.

Those four words drive a nail into my heart.

"Do I know you?"

I exhale, "Know me? Travis, I was your wife!" I exclaim, taking one step closer to him.

A hand is now on his arm, and a feminine voice calling his name, "Travis, this way!" she says, and he slowly gets pulled away from me.

"I'm sorry. I've never seen you before in my life," he says and walks away, the paper leaving his hands, floating down to the ground.

I snatch it up and glance in his direction. He is being pulled through the crowd, out of my sight.

"Travis!" I yell and push through the people after him. I don't know why I am doing it. I don't know why I care, but the man I was once married to, and still loved, is being pulled away from me.

I suddenly wish I didn't care that much.

"Travis! Travis, wait!" I struggle to move through all the people to reach him, but he is moving too fast. I will never catch him.

I still see his head, his hair, and the back of his neck. It's nice he is so tall.

I keep pushing through people, not even bothering to say excuse me or apologize.

"Travis, please stop!"

His head stops. The woman must have stopped because I am able to reach them.

"Travis." I do my best to catch my breath when I stop next to him. I have to rest my hands on my knees in order to get a breath.

Usually, in this situation, it is I who is running and Travis who is chasing me.

Times change, I guess.

"Yes?" He asks, and then I see his hand linked with another gloved hand. I glance up and see the woman right next to him.

And she looks familiar.

"Lucy?" I pose the question, hoping I am correct. She smiles.

"Lara Jean? Nice to see you again!" she gasps and gives me a hug.

I stifle as she pulls away, her hand still linked with Travis.

"You guys know each other?" He asks.

"Of course, sweetie. We were best friends growing up," She explains, stroking his arm.

I felt my stomach turn at her name for him.

"You know me too," I say to him.

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I don't."

"Just leave him alone, Jeanie," Lucy says, and I frown at her.

"You know that I know him!" I say to her, "Tell him!" I beg her.

"You don't know what you're talking about Jeanie. Always the one making up stories," she says, laughing.

I feel my heart break. Why doesn't he remember me?

I turn to face him. "We were married, Travis. You and I got married a year and a half ago."

"I don't know you."

"He doesn't know you, Jeanie."

I glare at her. "You went to our wedding, Lucy. I have pictures to prove-"

"Proves nothing. And if you'll excuse us, my fiancé and I have to be leaving."

Lucy pulls Travis along, and I don't go after them this time.

Instead, I cover my face with my hands and cry.