Three days had passed, all in radio silence. 

No matter how often I received phone calls, text messages or knocks on my door I didn't want to talk, I wasn't ready to face up to it all. Jim came in and out, bringing me cereal bars and more water to have as I sat by the window, watching the world whir away as I remained still. 

I couldn't have been more thankful for Jim and Jess, the two of them dealt with me like no other has before, they didn't ask too many questions or complain, they were just there when and if needed. Jess took the responsibility of talking to my family, explaining to my siblings what had happened to me and why I refused to even glance at my phone. Details were not specific but they got the rough idea, how it had happened yet again. 

My mind wanders back to my room, seeing the empty bottles with my instructions on, etched into it so I couldn't forget. The smell of lavender that floated above my bed and the blurred fairy lights becoming sharp as I focus on them. I miss home, I miss being at the zoo, being with Maddie when I can and seeing my friends. I miss the sensation of being okay. 

Moving my legs away from my chest as I lent against the window, covering the rest of the room with the curtains dawn was approaching the city. All of the buildings were covered in shadows, beginning to wake up like the rest of the world. The sky was my favourite, all of the different warm shades you can see, the layers of rich oranges and pinks that combine with the yellow tint of the clouds as the sun breaks through, welcoming the day ahead. Now would be the time I'd wake up and take my pills, but as I look over to the bedside table nothing is there; no empty pill bottles, no pills, no sign of instability. 

In this room on my own I could be normal, I could be unknown and not fear the outside.

The sun was now in full view, glass buildings reflected each other with the glare of the sun, others had been painted blue with specks of white, the glare less intense due to the focus on the sky. People were everywhere, conversations took place and car horns sounded, it was life. Jim knocked on my door and opened it, due to the lack of response on my behalf. 

I could tell he was hovering, not moving and waiting for me to pull myself out of this cocoon and speak up, say more about the party and what actually happened to me. Yet every time I try to focus and fixate on the moment when his voice came into my mind, all of the specific things we talked about seemed wrong. Nothing seemed genuine like I believed, it felt as if everything that I thought was stable fell down like a house of cards in a breeze. No one else was in my head, hearing the voices of the humerus South African I allowed myself to open up to, they didn't witness how intimate our conversations had been when we were alone. In those moments I didn't feel judgement or insecurities, he made me feel safe, he made me content with who I was. 

Peaking through the curtains he looked tired, the bags under his eyes had darkened severely within days. The life in his eyes had been drained, replaced by discolouration and redness; this was all my fault. Apology after apology streamed into my mind, screaming at me to voice these thoughts but every time I opened my mouth nothing came out. No words, no feelings, no soul. Placing the cereal bar on top of the previous ones I have yet to eat he sighed taking a few steps towards me. 

His hand reached into my cocoon followed by the rest of him. Slowly and carefully he sat opposite me, watching the outside whilst I tried to ignore my reflection in the glass. "We've got to go Ali." He cut through the thick silence that circled around me, but I didn't dare respond. "You've been sat in here for days, just because you stop doesn't mean everyone else can. Work understands and have given you leave but I don't, Jess has to get back to Uni tomorrow and your family are worried sick about you." I lifted my hands to my ears, trying to shut it out but as I did Jim placed his hands on top of mine. "Ali, please." He whispered, "Let us help you." Pulling my hands away from my ears with his on mine all I could do was look at the chipped painted wood I have been sat on for days, picking out each morsel that had been damaged over the years or remained untouched. 

"This is you and everyone I love." My fingers had begun to turn pink yesterday from coldness but nothing seemed to phase me anymore. I pointed to the clean panel of wood by my left foot, how clean it was as if it had only been fitted yesterday, Jim remained quiet, fully focusing on what I had to say. "And this," My voice was raspy, it physically hurt me to try and explain it with few words but I had to try. Pointing to the cracked wood with the original colour showing, how old and deficient it looked against the newer stronger panels I then directed my finger to myself. "is me." Lowering my head back to the wood I didn't say anything else, Jim's lack of response said more than words needed. 

Jim stood up, excluding himself from my cocoon leaving me to return to my previous state of solitude. That was when he pulled the curtains away, exposing me to this open space that made me fearful as I saw the door ahead of me partially open, letting in all the thoughts and worries of the outside world into my bubble, bursting it. My eyes widened as I shook my head but Jim remained persistent with a sad expression in his eyes, holding onto my upper arms he lifted me from my spot, away from my temporary haven until I was sat on my bed forced to look nowhere else but straight ahead to see my reflection, the one I had been avoiding for many reasons. 

Closing my eyes I worked up all of the courage I had to look at myself for ten seconds, ten seconds and no more. Forcing my eyes open I stared at my reflection, ignoring all the thoughts that picked at each feature as usual but really analysing how much I need this help, how much I need this all to end. The first thing I was drawn to was my eyes, how blank they seemed. They appeared glazed, how glass fogs with steam- lifeless. There was no rich shades of summer green, instead it looked rotted as if it were dying, defeated once again. My face seemed sickly pale as my hair remained half tied up having fallen out over the course of anxiously playing with it during these long nights. All of my features had lost their panache, the spark that made me happy, all replaced with a ghost of who I was. 

Ten seconds were up and I tore my eyes away from my deafening reflection, fixating on the blue carpet beneath my black socks. A hand was lightly placed on my shoulder causing me to twitch, I looked to Jim who wore the smile of remorse. He knew I was long gone inside now, there was little hope within this body that needed an escape. "We will get answers Ali." His arms wrapped around me in his warm embrace, resting my head against his chest the weight continued to grow rather than decrease as I thought about the possibilities of getting the truth as opposed to more lies. 

"If only it were that easy." I mumbled beneath my breath as Jim kept hold of me, a pair of eyes burned into me and looking up my reflection shook its head side to side. I don't think I will win this time.