The short walk after shutting the taxi felt like it was dragging on as my feet refused to co-operate after days of absence in use. Seeing the all too familiar door lurking ahead of me made me question my motives, glancing back the taxi had long been gone meaning there was no excuses now, it needs to be done.

Walking up the steps I opened the door and entered the hallway, looking at how nothing had changed in the time I'd been gone. A ghost of myself passed by with him by my side, seeing my brother waving us off and to be responsible. I remember the look he wore on his face, one of pride to see his kid sister wanting to explore the nightlife of London, if only he knew how it haunted me deeply. Yet now the door I wandered towards was shut, it stood tall, overpowering my small frame as I brought my fist up to gently knock, hearing it echo in this hallway.

The door began to open but my eyes remained focused on the scuffed marks on my once clean black boots, my gaze shifted from my own shoes to the worse for wear socks presented in the doorway. Apprehensively I lifted my head up, wishing I hadn't bothered when I saw that rather shy and incredibly awkward smile on his face whilst he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, despite the fact that it is one in the afternoon. I began to contemplate turning around and walking off, forgetting my attempt entirely but the sound of him calling my name, pleading for me to listen was just too tempting, despite his actions and faults prior to this I knew I needed this.

Standing a fair distance from him I kept my arms to my sides, not wanting to seem too defensive despite what my brain was screaming at full blast. He kept shifting his weight from one foot to the other, the tense silence growing around us by the minute until I couldn't bare it any longer. "I've come to see Joe." I stated, not wanting to have to engage in a conversation exchanging pleasantries like we were mutual in anyway. "Is he home?" Raising an eyebrow to him he scratched the back of his neck and moved out of the doorway, I began to walk forward and entered the flat.

Looking at it little had been changed, it was messier yes but besides the uncleanliness it had been untouched. He waited around for a moment, hovered near me until I lent against the bar in their kitchen. "How, how have you been?" He hated it, I could tell with his body language, how he was turned away from me, avoided eye contact and kept things brief as he could.

"Better." I told him and he responded with a mere nod as I called out for my brother, hoping he would intervene in this 'conversation' soon. He went to speak but I stopped him before any words came out. I can see the glint in his eyes, the guilt that mourns the green that is usually vibrant and how he just casts his eyes aside. "Apologies aren't worthwhile Caspar, when I think I can talk to you I'll let you know." Moving away from the ledge I walked towards him, slowly ensuring Joe wasn't coming. I stood on my tiptoes and I could see the goosebumps rise on his neck as my lips were practically pressed against his ear. "You destroy me, I get even." A light giggle escaped my lips as I moved away from him, just in time for Joe to appear.

By the look on his face he was surprised to see me. I was dressed, presentable - well, as well as I tried to be. I was very much aware of how sore my eyes looked, how much pain they held as I tried to disguise them with a large smile that hurt my face. He came over and tightly hugged me, it was the sort of hug you need when someone asks if you're in fact okay and you just nod as there is the risk that you'll break down in front of them.

I allowed myself to relax in his arms, I needed family at this point. Joe always knew what to say, what to do when I was younger and afraid. A look was exchanged between him and Caspar resulting in Caspar to go downstairs with his phone at hand, leaving the two of us upstairs in the middle of the space. "Tea?" He asked and I nodded, it was a form of comfort, a very stereotypical comfort.

Sitting down on the sofa crossing my legs we stayed quiet whilst he made me a cup and then brought it over to me, placing it in my hands and allowing the warmth it radiated to consume me in that moment. Patiently I waited for the questions to begin, for him to wonder what actually happened to me in my days of being off of the road, off the cliff even. How I had to let my friends explain that my health may not be as stable as we had hoped, that I was too scared to face everything this soon.

"I'm sorry." He spoke up as I took a sip of the hot tea, causing my glasses to steam up. "We should've known something was up with you, Alfie said you did keep going to the drinks." Scoffing I placed the cup down.

"Course he did." I muttered under my breath before addressing my brother who remained confused, the perplexed expression that he held on his face said it all. "I just don't know what to do with myself of late, but I think there may be something that could help." He relaxed into the seat, awaiting me to explain what I was thinking of. "Except we need Zoe, I want to tell everyone who I am." I could see the idea flickering in his mind, the way his eyes darted around each aspect of me to see if I felt pressured to doing this, to see if I was just saying it to please everyone or if I had an alternative motive.

All he did was nod before getting up and phoning Zoe. I quickly checked my phone and messaged Jim, telling him where I was up to with my idea, how I was keeping calm. Jim had to go back with Jess, they're getting on with their lives and I wanted them to. I can't find myself accountable for those who care for me to stop living their lives for the sake of saving what is supposedly my own. I'll be returning home whenever I'm ready, I'm allowing myself five days to fix things, get answers and convince everyone the truth.

Joe returned and I slipped my phone back into my pocket, giving him a small smile, "Zoe will be here shortly, she's just leaving." Nodding he sat back down, picking his cup up and sipped at it. "So Ali," I raised an eyebrow to him whilst I awaited whatever was going to be addressed. "did, did anything ever happen with you and Caspar?" Immediately I shifted, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Joe motioned for me to remain still, placed his gentle hand on my shoulder. "I didn't mean to freak you out I just, Zoe told me about you and your friend Jim that's all." A soft smile crossed his face and instantly I felt guilty.

Returning the smile I shook my head and tucked loose strands of hair behind my ear, "No, I would never intend for there to be either. Jim, he, he makes me happy. He understands everything and it just works." Out of the corner of my eye I could see him behind the glass against the stairs, "With him I know he is someone I can trust, someone who can love me for me. He knows my faults and how to help me, he truly, truly cares." This last part I smiled through, wanting Caspar to see every bit of it.

Me and Joe continued to talk about YouTube whilst Caspar disappeared into his pit hidden away, part of me felt proud for that- slowly turning the cogs together to make him feel the same way. Yet the other half of me felt pure guilt over that malicious act, it isn't me, I'm not that person.

Or is that who I need to become?