FINAL

Dear Asshole,

I swear to God this is the last one because I can't anymore. I just can't.

Why the hell did you get on that motorcycle even though you knew you were drunk?

Was it because you were mad at me? Was it because what I did retracted the whole I-trust-you thing? Was it because you became a wuss again and ran away from your troubles?

Fuck you, Xavier Morgan. You are such a goddamn coward. You are so stupid. You didn't think about anything. You drove on your stupid fucking impulse. You are such a fucking asshole, Xavier. I fucking hate you.

You didn't see that goddamn truck. You were so mad you didn't care so you faced it head on. Your motorcycle didn't stand a chance with that fucking truck, Xavier.

You died.

Holly got in my head. You were drunk. I was mad. We had a fight. You rode that motorcycle. The truck hit you. You died. You left.

You left me, not only at that party but at this fucking world itself.

And you know what hurts the most?

I haven't even expressed half of how much I love you, Xavier.

And just when I was ready to take the plunge.

You leave.

Years have passed and I'm still a wreck. My therapists thought writing to you will clear my head. So I can finally move on.

It didn't help, Xavier.

I've been seeing you and my therapists told me it was a figment of my fucking imagination. But I wish those hallucinations would come more often. At least I get to see you in my head.

These things just fucked me up all over again.

I was just reminded of how everything should have been. How amazing you are. How I could have been happy. How I wish you were still here.

You're an asshole, Xavier.

Why did you make me feel like that but leave me at the end?

Was this all just some fucking lesson you thought i needed to learn?

WELL, FUCK YOU, XAVIER MORGAN.

Because whatever I do, I can never move on from you.

Whatever I do, I can never hate you.

Whatever I say, I'll still feel like shit.

Whatever happens, I will always be pathetically in love with you.

Wishing you were here,

Robyn,

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Robyn places the final letter on Xavier Morgan's black tomb stone, his name engraved in gold. She sees the other letters she had written in the past out of spite and falls to her knees. The grass tickles her bare skin as she buries her face in her hands and cry – like she always does when she gives him a new letter.

The cemetery is eerily quiet. All she can hear is her pathetic sobs. She peers through her hands and sees the tomb stone again. Letting her hands fall to the sides, tears continue to stream down her face. She can't do this anymore. She runs a hand over the cold, smooth texture of the tombstone then over his engraved name as one prominent thought lingers in her head for the rest of her life.

I fucking love you, you asshole.