preparing for fitz to respond, i gripped the hoodie tighter, expecting him to question who i might have been speaking of. "were they the reason you kept yourself going at that point?"

"no- cameron, are you okay?" i place my hand on his thigh and he shook his head, pink spreading across his fair skin.

"i didn't know you were ever in that state?"

"well i was. even if i didn't act like i was, my mind was being taken over with pitch blackness." fitz dragged on, spilling his thoughts. "i miss her. i miss the thrill. i don't know what i was thinking with leaving her behind." we both sat, listening to the rain outside for moments at a time. "i wanted to scream. i wanted to burst into tears, i wanted to get drunk and kill every thought of her... but all i could do was stare at the wall in silence."

he sounded so serious and i could almost feel the enmity within himself that he emitted. the way his voice deepened as he tried to push away the tears that gathered in his throat, the way his cheeks reddened with each sentence he put out. "i'm sorry cam. i wish i had been there for you.."

"ya, me too."

-

two hours had passed and the growls of our stomachs were all the noise that occupied the space. matt had finally come out of hiding, though he looked like he had just seen a ghost. though none of us seemed to care this one time. "i can't believe this is happening." he groaned, falling into one of the colorful beanbags. "i can't grasp the fact that they are both... just gone."

"none of us can, matt." i exhale, finding it to draw out longer than expected. "fuck." gathering myself, i wondered off to the kitchen to wash away my thoughts with the left over skyy vodka from last night.

"audrey." matt mumbled, coming up behind me. "can i fall into your arms? will you take me again?" knowing he was on the verge of tears, i nod and open my arms for him. rubbing his back, i allow my other hand to mess with the floof of hair that laid upon his head. we leaned against the counter, admiring each other's embrace. even though i'd much rather it be by the giraffe who sat in solitude on the couch, i allowed my sorrow to be fulfilled by the man i still had small feelings for.

"matt, can i question something?" he nods, gripping me tighter. "what made you so angry back then? why couldn't you just process a real relationship?"

"i don't know audrey. you were my first girlfriend and i didn't know how to treat a girl. i thought maybe treating you like i do my best friends would suffice, but i was terribly wrong and ignorant." tearing up, i heard the sniffles coming from him as well. "and don't think i didn't realize what was happening between you and fitz while i left."

"matt, he treated-"

"you well. i know. and looking back at it, know i realize what a horrible monster i was to you. i was the worst boyfriend that i personally could be." hearing him finally confess himself made me finally feel content with myself. "but i'm glad he treated you well. i'm glad he came over and watched movies with you when i couldn't pull my head out of my ass."

"matt, i'm glad you can say that. i'm glad you're someone who can speak for their mistakes." he nuzzled himself closer to me, shaking away all of his emotions.

after i had about thirteen shots of skyy vodka, i was having the time of my life. the others had joined in, trying to fight the damned feeling that sunk deep into their soul. "well damn!" swagger chuckled, watching as i took shot after shot.

"okay, miss audrey. enough." cam took the glass and intertwined my hands so he had better leverage when he pulled me over to the couch. "so, what's up?" he questioned, his wording slurred.

"we're all going to die, cameron. we're being killed off slowly. toby, now jay. who could possibly be next?" my voice was frazzled and being torn down by the alcohol but cam knew exactly what i was saying. yet even when i spoke about the darkest of things, his smile still stood. "i mean seriously though! we are all dying and have no clue who the actual killer is!" my words made far more sense when i was drunk, which was out of the ordinary.

"no, audrey!" fitz chuckled, wiping away the sweat on his forehead. "i know who did it... it was ryan and sam..." my heart began to race and the breath that had been stored in my lungs began to disappear. their names called out in my head, making me restless.

gripping my sweatshirt, cam's drunken state began to take notice in my panicked position. "ah..." he choked on his own voice, taking my hand in his and rubbing it slightly. "close your eyes, audrey. count to ten and open them again. i'm right here," he spoke with such tranquility. when you happen to be drunk and having a panic attack, everything around you turns black, but you don't know why.

"matt.." i cried, realizing that it wasn't cam who could calm me. "i need matt!" i haven't had a attack this bad in a couple years, and all i could remember from them was matt could calm me quicker than anyone else. even if they are a counselor. matt stumbles over, absolutely fucked.

his smooth arms pulled me in and he pushed cam out of the way, dismissing his presence. "it's okay, audrey. listen to my voice." he cooed, twisting my hair around his fingertips. "tomorrow we are all going to wake up and realize this is all a fantasy, that we are all alive and healthy."