jordyn dolan

Today was another off day for me. Ethan left for work before I had the chance to get out of bed. I've been feeling a little off for the past few days because of the baby.

It's been really hard lately to get through our baby passing, but I forced myself to get out of the house.

I was walking down downtown LA, wanting to treat myself just a little bit. I didn't have a specific store I wanted to go to, I just needed to get out.

I past buy a brand new store I haven't seen before. I looked in the window and it was a like a summer themed store.

I walked through the doors and was immediately greeted by two women.

"Welcome in."

"Thank you." I smiled and looked around the room. There were some beautiful colorful dresses right when you walked in the room.

I began to look through them, liking them all, but not loving them enough to buy them. I walked towards the back wall and I stopped in my tracks when I saw toddler and baby dresses on the wall.

I've never felt this sort of way before, of course I've always wanted kids, but every time I saw a little kid or toddler now I want to be in tears. This usually isn't like me.

I walked up to the baby clothes and pulled one off of the rack. It was a cute little pink and white dress designed for a little baby.

"Looking at something for your little one?"One of the employees walked over to me and asked with her hands held behind her back.

"No, no." I lightly laughed. "I don't have kids yet."

"Are you expecting?" She took another step closer to me.

"No, no, we're not trying right now." I shook my head again and smiled.

"It never hurts to start picking out cute outfits. It was always my favorite part of having kids." She smiled.

I looked at the dress for a couple of seconds before looking back at her.

"Alright, I'll do it." I smiled crept on my cheeks. She smiled as well and led me to the cash register.

There's no harm in just buying it, it's cute. Plus I can always gift it to Grayson's or Riley's new girl, if they ever have a second child.

"How many kids do you have?" I asked as she was ringing me up.

"Four."

"You look so young, wow."

"I'm 25."

"Wow!" I said again.

"You're looking into the eyes of a teen mom." She smiled and placed the baby dress in a bag.

I lightly smiled and handed her my credit card. She has four kids at such a young age and I'm still babyless.

I was going to be a teen mom...

"Whenever you're ready to have kids, it's going to be the best time of your life." She handed back my card as well as putting the receipt in the bag.

"Thank you." I said genuinely. "Have a great day." I smiled and walked out of the store.

I began to make my way back to the house after I reached my car. It was peaceful out. Most people were at work so it was nice to have a relaxing day to myself--as much as I could anyway. I was still quite worked up over my miscarriage I had years ago. It bothers me that I still get so hurt over this even though it happened when I was eighteen years old.

About a year after that traumatizing appointment, Ethan and I felt better about it. We knew it wasn't our fault and we shouldn't let it ruin our life. We got back on track with our future plans and were able to take on amazing jobs and buy our home. We were doing good--due to our circumstances.

But ever since Grayson's daughter River was born, my mental state has been so rocky. I really don't think Ethan knew how I was feeling and how much it truly effected me, I don't think anyone really knew. I kept it all to myself for years.

I never really brought up having kids with Ethan. I think we were comfortable with our lives and liked it that way, but when the people around you change, you can't help but feel like you need to change your life as well. It's sometimes embarrassing to me that Ethan and I are one of the only one's who don't have kids, like we're falling behind.

I may be thinking about kids for years, but the thought of having another miscarriage terrifies me. I don't want to get all excited and ecstatic just to find out that our baby, the baby that we made, has passed away before I can even lay my eyes on the beautiful thing. I don't want to get my heart torn to shreds again. It's emotional scarring and draining.

Plus I never want to bother Ethan with these feelings because really, what do I even know? I have a bunch of mixed feelings, I don't know what I truly want. Telling him would just confuse him and me both, there's no point in that.

I walked into the front door and set the bag down on the front table by the front door while also placing my keys down.

Since I didn't get much sleep, I decided to walk upstairs and change into some lounge clothes. Just some comfy pajama pants and a cropped Levi sweatshirt.

I got under the warm covers and scrolled through my phone for a little while.

After Riley, Matt and I reconnected, I stalked their FaceBook account to see what they've been up to the last few years. We were always friends on there, but sometimes when you lose contact you just forget to pay attention.

They've done so much since we saw them last. Obviously they have a little one--who is so adorable, but also they've traveled around Europe together.

Their lives have been amazing so far and I'm just here. Here in my house. Here with no children to keep me company while Ethan's at work. No one's there to help me with dinner, it's just me.

As my mind drifted from Riley and Matt, I put my phone down and rested my head on the pillow. Slowly my mind began to ease and my eyes felt heavier and heavier. All of these mixed feelings in my brain and body are draining me so quickly now.

Soon my vision became black and I was asleep.