jordyn dolan

A few knocks hit the door during the weekend. Ethan and I were expecting company, we wanted to catch up with Grayson and his wife.

"Hey guys." I opened the door to see Grayson, his wife Vivian and their three year old daughter River.

"Hi!" River ran into my legs are wrapped her arms around them. I smiled deeply as she got distracted by Ethan. "Uncle Ethan!" She yelled and nearly tripped over herself. Ethan knelt down and picked her up.

"How's my favorite little girl doing?" He smiled at her widely. I couldn't help but smile at them.

"Good!" She yelled and he brought her into the living room.

"Come on in guys." I opened the door more for Grayson and his wife. They thanked me and walked into the living room as well.

Ethan let River run around the downstairs as we all got settled on the couch.

Grayson leaned back on the couch and let out a deep, relaxing sigh.

"Doing okay, man?" Ethan lightly chuckled.

"You try keeping up with a three year old." He scowled Ethan. Vivian and I laughed.

I always loved it when Grayson brought his daughter over. To me it always feels like she's the closest one I'm ever going to get to my own child.

Another couple knocks hit the front door and Grayson looked confused. I stood up off of the couch and walked over to the door. I opened it up to see the other married couple: Riley and Matt with a kid.

"Sorry, we weren't going to bring him, but our babysitter couldn't make it." Matt apologized while holding his child.

"I didn't even know you had a kid." I was in awe.

"This is Dre and he's only two years old." Riley said as he was squirming in Matt's arms.

"You can let him run around." I laughed and opened the door wider.

"Thanks." Matt put him down and he began to run off. They both took a step in the house.

I led them into the living room and Ethan's face lit up.

"Matthew!" Ethan stood up and quickly walked over to him. "Man, I haven't seen you in ages." They hugged for a few seconds.

"I know, it's been forever." They pulled away. "How've you been?"

"Good, good. I see you have your own little kiddo now." Ethan looked around to see Dre running around with River.

"Yeah, he's keeping us on our toes." Riley smiled.

"Come here, I've missed you." Ethan pulled Riley over while Matt walked over to Grayson. It was like our own little reunion.

We all sat down on the grey couch. It felt so nice to see everyone's faces again.

"This is my wife, Vivian." He introduced her to Matt and Riley.

"Hi, it's so nice to meet you." Riley smiled brightly.

"You guys as well. I heard so many stories of you all from Grayson's high school days."

"We had some good times, didn't we?" Matt smiled and we all nodded.

"So Matt," Ethan began to talk. "Where are you guys living now?"

"Sort of close to our old neighborhood. Quite a few blocks from there, but yeah in that area." He nodded.

"Oh nice. Is it still as nice as I remember? We haven't been back there in quite a while."

"Basically the exact same." Riley laughed. "I was telling Jordyn this a few days ago, but your home is amazing."

"Oh, thank you." Ethan covered his heart with his hand.

"I can't help but ask, what career path did you take to afford this?" Matt looked at the vaulted ceilings.

"I work in finance with some major company." He nodded.

"Wow! That's amazing."

"Not nearly as amazing as you guys! You all have kids." Ethan looked at everyone. They looked to their kids and smiled. I did the same, but I knew I didn't feel the same joy.

I looked at their kids and just felt sadness overcome my entire body. All of our old friends are carrying on with their lives, they have their own families.

I couldn't help, but just wish to have that as well.

- - -

an hour later

Dre and River came back into the living and became sleepy. Dre rested on Matt's lap while River rested between Grayson and Vivian.

I watched Matt lightly kiss Dre's forehead and

I lightly smiled, but didn't feel happiness. I looked over to Grayson and he ran his finger on River's foot. I wanted to experience that with my own child.

"Does anyone want anything to drink?" I took in a deep breath.

"No, I'm okay." Grayson shook his head and smiled. Everyone else did the same.

I nodded and walked into kitchen. I opened the fridge door and grabbed a wine bottle, I need alcohol. I grabbed a wine glass from the shelf and filled it basically all the way to the top.

My back faced all of our guests as I wanted to drink the whole glass right then and there.

A quarter of the way gone.

I want kids.

Half of it gone.

I want my own kids. We are financially stable, we're happy with each other. I want kids.

"Hey." Ethan whispered and put his hand on my back.

I put the glass down with only a quarter left of the drink left. I was a mess.

"Is everything all right?" He asked, worried. I looked over to the kids on their parent's lap.

"I-I don't-" I tried to speak.

"Why don't you go lie down for a bit." He started to walk me towards the stairs.

"No, no, I'm fine." I whispered as a tear fell from my eyes.

"Jordyn, baby." He turned me to face him. "Go lie down, I'll be up in five minutes."

I complied and began to walk up the stairs.

"Sorry, I hate to do this you guys, but Jordyn isn't feeling too well-" That was the last I heard of Ethan before I reached our room.

I felt awful that because of me, our friends had to leave. That's the last thing I wanted.

I slipped out of my clothes and put on one of Ethan's t-shirts. I got under the covers and pulled them up over my nose. I let my tears soak into the duvet.

I thought it was Grayson who was moving fast with his life, but after seeing Matt and Riley with their own toddler it made me think. Maybe Ethan and I are moving too slow...

"Hey." Ethan quickly got into the room and pulled his shirt off over his head. He slipped his pants off and put some grey sweats on. He got into the bed and pulled me against his bare chest. "What's going on, baby?"

"I don't want to lose another?" I said softly.

"Another?" He questioned.

"Another baby."

"A baby? What are you talking about?" He kissed my forehead.

"Grayson already has a three year old, Riley and Matt has a two year old. We don't have any kids, we've always wanted kids."

"Yeah, I know, but we don't have to rush ourselves."

"What are we waiting for?" I sat up and faced him.

"I-uh-I don't know." He stuttered. "Waiting until we're both ready."

"You're waiting for me to be ready. You're ready to be a dad, you're an amazing uncle to River, she loves you and you know what to do, but I don't. I'm scared." A tear fell down my cheek. "I'm scared I'm going to lose the baby again." More tears fell down my cheeks. "I'm scared to disappoint you again."

"Hey, hey, hey." He wiped my tears with his thumbs. "You've never disappointed me. We're not going to lose the baby when we're both ready." He reassured me. "We were young at the time. We had more of a chance of losing the baby, it's not your fault, it's not my fault, it's no one's fault." He ran his thumb over my cheek.

"That was our baby, Ethan." I placed my hands on top of his as they were holding my cheeks. "We were going to have a family, I wanted to have a family with you so bad." A tear fell onto Ethan's hand.

"We have a family. Me and you, baby." A smile crept up on his face. "We don't need to rush ourselves to have a kid. We'll take all the time we need."

I looked him in the eyes and smiled. His thumb moved very softly across my cheek.

"Thank you." I whispered and wrapped my arms around his neck. He squeezed me tight.

"You don't need to worry about it." He pulled away and held my hands. "We're in no rush to have kids, we're still young and thriving." He lightly joked and I nodded my head.

Ethan got out of the bed and walked into our bathroom. As he was doing so, I looked down at my chest and picked up the gold necklace he gave me years ago for Christmas, the one that has the 'E' on it.

I wear it every single day and I'm always reminded of him. I'm reminded of how insanely wonderful he is to me. It reminds me to never take him for granted.

I looked through the bathroom since Ethan left the door open as he was cleaning up the countertop a little bit. I held my necklace and smiled at Ethan.

He's so special to me.