Alex, Rian, Zack, Lisa, and I were all in the living room of the tour bus having a Friends marathon on Netflix. We had two days till we had our next show, so we were having lazy days.

I didn't really want to be near anyone, but I was trying to seem inconspicuous. Alex kept trying to get me to go places with him, but I refused kindly, wanting to go back to bed and die. He always just smiled awkwardly, but I knew he was really upset. I was his best friend, and I was ditching him.

Guess he knows how it feels now.

Alex and Lisa weren't even watching the show, they were whispering and giggling to each other. It made me sick.

"Can you guys get a room? Some of us are trying to watch the show." I growled, stunning them both. Alex eyed my curiously before grabbing Lisa's hand and dragging her out the room. I huffed and looked away.

"Down, boy." Zack joked. It didn't ease my tension.

"They're being really cute and couple-y and its gross."

"They're allowed to be cute and couple-y because they're a couple, and they're engaged, Jack." Rian butted in.

"I know, i know! They're engaged! That's all I've been hearing for the past five days! Do you guys not understand that i know?" I stood up. "It's hurting me so much, and i'm keeping a brave face on! I'm standing my ground, when i really want to die inside. So don't try to tell me something I already know."

I turned to go walk out the bus, but then i remembered that we were moving so i just went into the bathroom. I slid down the wall and pulled my legs up to my head so i could feel like i was buried deep beneath the ground. Tears were falling before i even got in here, but now they were flowing down my face so fast I couldn't stop them, and I didn't let them. What was the point of my life if i can't spend it with the one I love?

I fell asleep and I soon was woken up by Zack shaking my shoulder.

"We're at the arena." He said quietly before leaving me in all my pink, puffy glory. I groaned, not wanting to leave the bus. I wasn't prepared to get up. I don't think i ever was.

I sat there for five minutes before Zack walked back in and said the one thing that made me push myself through life everyday.

"Do it for the fans."

I jumped right up, checked my appearance--which looked shittier than usual-- and ran out the bus. Fans were everywhere, with their All Time Low shirts and piercing screams. I pulled on a smile and started high-fiving and giving hugs.

I loved the fans with all my heart. Just to be able to make them happy and see them smile because of me, i don't know, it sets something off inside of me. Complete and utter happiness. That's what i use to describe it.

After a couple of minutes i left them all and went inside. It was hot out, so the cold breeze that hit me when i walked in felt good. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and retreated to where i assumed the guys were: the stage. My assumptions were correct, because i found the guys running around with water guns. I saw one with my name on it next to me, but i didn't bother picking it up. A wet and sexually frustrated Jack is not a good thing around a wet and happy Alex, that's all I'm saying.

I sat down and checked twitter as the guys' laughter filled the empty stadium. I saw a lot about the engagement-which really l saddened me more- but i did see the occasional fan art and future heart statements, which made all my sadness go away. Then there were the selfies with the fans i took not that long ago, and i just wanted to run back outside and scream "I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH" but I didn't want to get mobbed.

"Jack! Me and the boys are heading to the coffee shop across the street, want to come?" Tyler asked. I nodded, looking at the guys running around laughing. I'd leave them to their happiness.

We headed down the stairs with the rest of State Champs to the Starbucks across the street. It was jam packed with girls, but we got through easy enough. Of course the wait was really long, and fans kept asking for pictures, but I didn't really care. All I cared about was leaving the arena for a bit to get fresh air. We got a table by the window, and I waved at fans as we sat down.

"So, have you told Alex yet?" Evan asked quietly after a while. My eyes shot at him so fast I thought they might roll into my head.

"Told him what?"

"That, you know, feelings."

Zack that bitch.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said, hopeful he would believe me.

"Zack told me, all of us actually. There isn't a need to hide it." Evan looked at me cautiously. "We're okay with it."

"Yeah, and we'll always be here if you need to get away." Derek added in.

I smiled at them.

"Thanks guys. Glad to have you on tour."

-

The crowd was cheering us on, trying to get us to come back out. It was a beautiful sound, to have hundreds yell your name, wanting to see you perform. It gives you a rush of exhilaration, and I can't ever get enough of it. I want to be on the stage all the time, playing and making them happy, but I know it won't last forever. I'll have to stop playing one day, and All Time Low will break up one day, but I hope that isn't soon. Its too painful to think of it. I've grown on this guys, and I don't think I can live without them.

"Let's go." Alex said in my ear, making me jump. I was feeling tingles all over from him, and I thought I might explode from happiness.

I love him so fucking much, even if he doesn't love me back. I don't care. I'll wait for him if I have to, no matter how long.

We all ran out back out onstage and the fans screamed even louder. I struck a note and we began Jasey Rae.

-

I was walking out to go meet some fans after the concert when I saw Tyler hugging a smaller girl really tight. They were talking, but they were still hugging. I saw him smile and say something, and I smiled. When they finally parted, he took a photo with her on his phone and she hugged him again real quick before running off to the girl with the cast in her knee that I took a picture with earlier. I smiled and walked over to them.

"Hey guys." I said loudly, since yells were all around me.

"Hi Jack!" They both said, smiling. I noticed that the girl with the cast had one of Rian's drumsticks, but the other girl didn't have anything.

"Did you catch anything?" I asked her. She shook her head no.

"That's too bad, come around backstage and I'll get you something." I nodded to the stage and started heading that way. I could hear the girl's crutches as we walked.

When we made it backstage I saw the rest of the guys looking at me oddly. I ignored them and took three picks out for her : mine, Alex's, and Zack's. I handed them to her and she beamed at me.

"Thank you." She said quietly. She looked like she would cry, so I pulled her into a hug to make sure she didn't.

"It's no problem."

After they headed out , Alex spoke up.

"What was that about?"

I had been in a zone that I got scared when he spoke. I looked at him fast, nearly falling.

"That girl was really nice to Tyler, I saw them hugging. Then I saw she didn't catch anything, but her friend did, so I gave her some picks."

"You could've gotten in trouble for bringing them back here." He said.

"But we weren't going to do anything bad."

"Yeah, but people who see you bring them back here don't know that! Jack you need to stop thinking of yourself sometimes! People could of thought you were going to have sex with them."

"Why would I have sex with them? They're barely even fourteen! And one of them has a broken knee!" I was getting angry.

I can't believe he's saying this to me. He knows how much the fans mean to me, so why would I ever do that to them?

"That doesn't mean anything! You need to start thinking of how people see us." Zack had stood up now, and was standing between us.

"I don't have to deal with this." I mumbled heading to the back door.

"What did you say?" Alex growled at me.

"I SAID I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS. I'M FUCKING DONE ALEX." I yelled, slamming the door. I didn't even head to the buses, I just headed around the corner and into an alley way. I sat down and cried. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I finally broke.

I had been fine with Alex and Lisa, holding it all in. But when he yelled at me, accusing me of that stuff, I just couldn't take it. He knew I would NEVER ever do that with a fan. They're all my children basically! Even for him to think that is ridiculous. I just wanted to shy away and cry for the rest of my life. My life was falling apart anyway, so why should I be living it? The love of my life is engaged, and my depression is getting worse because of it. I just want to die. I could if I wanted to, but I wouldn't ever leave the fans. I know they need me.

I don't know how long I sat there crying, but I knew it was a long time because when Zack and Rian found me, the sun was coming up. They had to help me walk back to the bus, because I didn't have any energy to walk by myself. I couldn't stand myself, and it made all my energy leave my body. I've never felt this low in my entire life.

-

"What happened last night?" Rian asked me quietly. I had a huge hangover from drinking last night, so I was sitting with a blanket wrapped around me and hot cocoa in my hand.

"I just wanted to do something nice for that girl." I whispered. My throat hurt so much.

"I know, that's not what I meant. What happened when you were in that alley? What were you thinking?"

I swallowed hard, not wanting to tell him.

"Nothing happened."

"Something happened Jack, because I've never seen you like that before. You looked like all your happiness was gone. You looked dead." He looked away. I understood.

"I'm fine now I swear." I was lying to one of my bestfriends. This was horrible.

"GODDAMMIT JACK. Stop lying! You're not okay! You were in an alley fucking crying and couldn't even walk back to the bus because you had cried out all your energy! I understand you love Alex, but he doesn't love you! He loves Lisa, even if none of us like her. You got to get over him! He's not worth getting so upset over. Alex will fucking rip your heart out if you let him. Don't let him do this to you. It's horrible to see you this way. I don't like it at all." He stood up and headed for the door, but then paused. "I think you need a break from the tour." Then he headed out, leaving my head pounding and my heart aching.

-