NOVEMBER 5, 2016 - 1 YEAR AFTER

AS SOON AS that one word left his mouth, he teetered forward, swaying, as if it had taken all of his energy. I instinctively lurched toward him, stopping him with my hands before he could careen to the ground. My heart raced, trying to burst free from my chest.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"You're drunk," I breathed, steadying us both.

At that, half of his mouth hitched into a smile. "Slightly."

A million thoughts were swirling inside of my brain, but I could only focus on one of them: Will was here. We hadn't spoken in weeks, yet in his drunken stupor, my house was the place he'd wandered to. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as Murphy jumped at Will's legs excitedly.

"Let's get you inside," I said quietly, grateful for the first time today that my family was gone.

We awkwardly maneuvered into the house, his weight pressing against me as he stumbled and I attempted to keep him upright. As soon as the couch was within reach, he collapsed onto it with a tired sigh, nearly taking me with him. I exhaled sharply, blowing away a stray curl that had slipped from my ponytail.

Will opened his eyes and immediately fixed them on me. There was something burning beneath the icy blue, fiery enough that my cheeks warmed, and I instinctively moved back, realizing how close we were. He didn't say anything, the normally familiar features of his face feeling like a foreign language.

Finally, I cleared my throat, eager to break the thick silence. "What are you doing here?"

The house was quiet, save for Murphy's enthusiastic panting at the sight of his old friend. I felt a sheen of sweat form on my forehead, my stomach twisting. Will hadn't been here since before the breakup, and the fact that he was here now made me feel light-headed. It didn't make sense. He wasn't supposed to be here.

Will didn't answer, resting his head against the back of the sofa.

I fidgeted with my fingers. "Should I call Sabrina?"

"No," he said instantly.

I watched his face, searching for any indication as to why he wouldn't want me to call his girlfriend when he was clearly in distress. "Okay," I said slowly. "What about Duncan?"

He shook his head, grimacing. "Please don't call anyone." Sighing, he dragged his hand over his face. "I'm sorry for showing up like this. I didn't even know where I was going until I was here. I just. . . I wanted—"

His mouth clamped shut. Then he laughed shortly, and the sound was cold and bitter. "Well, that's just it, isn't it? I don't know what the fuck I want. Or maybe I do. I don't know what I'm saying."

I bit the inside of my lip, unsure of how to respond. The fact that he was currently sitting in my living room and I hadn't immediately reached out to let Sabrina know already felt like a betrayal. I felt like I should load him into the car and take him home. But selfishly, I wanted him to keep talking to me. 

This was wrong.

"I'm going to get you a glass of water," I announced, making to rise from the floor.

Before I could get very far, Will reached out, clasping my wrist gently, sending a jolt straight through to my heart and quickening my pulse. His mouth opened, but he hesitated.

After what felt like ages, he whispered, "Please stay."

Those two words were like a rope looping around my heart, tugging me downward until I sank to the floor beside him again. "Okay," I murmured.

In all the time that I'd known him, I could only recall a couple times where I'd seen him drunk. Those times he'd been jovial, upbeat, laughing with his friends. Now, he was vulnerable, miserable, seemingly heartbroken. He'd never looked so much like a little boy, afraid of the dark and of being alone.

Murphy climbed onto the couch, nestling himself into Will's lap, nudging a tiny smile from the boy's lips. "Thanks," he mumbled, and I wasn't sure whether he was talking to me or the dog.

His gaze drifted back to me, and it looked as though he was taking in my every detail. I shifted uncomfortably beneath his scrutiny.

The lengthy silences were beginning to make me feel antsy. Steadily, Will's expression changed, becoming withdrawn, his eyebrows furrowing. It was closer to the way I had grown used to him looking: somber and confused. I swallowed.

My mouth opened and closed a few times as I floundered for something to say. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

His lips lifted ever so slightly in the ghost of a smile. "Talk to me," he urged gently.

The heat in my face intensified. "I. . . I don't know what you want me to say," I admitted, voice barely above a whisper. I wished I knew. I wished it were as simple as me conjuring the right words to breathe into the air that would dispel the tense atmosphere, the mess I'd created.

"You went to the party with Ravi," he said, and I blinked, caught off guard. "I know it's wrong, and it's not fair of me, but. . . it hurt. To see you with him. I had to leave. I couldn't. . ." He shook his head, swallowing.

Subconsciously, I felt my eyes prickle with tears. "Will," I said softly. "You have Sabrina. We. . . don't owe each other anything." I wasn't sure if what I was saying was for my benefit or his. "Not anymore."

He let out another short laugh, though it was quieter this time, carrying less resentment. "I know it's not the same for you. It can't be. But you're the one who left, Viv. I'm the one who got left behind." His voice cracked on the last word, and with it, my heart.

"Will," I whispered futilely, squeezing my eyes shut. "Please don't."

"I have to," he pleaded, and when I opened my eyes again, I saw that his were shiny with tears, bearing into mine. "I can't carry all of this inside of me anymore. You were everything to me, and all of a sudden, I wasn't enough for you."

"Is that what you think?" I interjected, sick to my stomach.

"What else can I think?" he shot back, the desperation in his voice climbing in volume. Murphy whined, and Will cleared his throat, trying to maintain his composure.

My face threatened to crumple. Of course he thought he wasn't enough for me. I hadn't given him a reason to think otherwise. It was ironic, really, because it was the opposite that was true. I'd stopped being enough for him.

"You shut me out. You became a total stranger, and I still don't understand why. I don't know what I did." He dragged a hand through his hair in agitation, sitting up. "I thought maybe you just wanted your space, to have the freedom to move across the world with nothing tying you down. So I waited. I waited, and waited, and waited for you to come back."

I inhaled shakily, doing everything in my power to choke down the sob that was threatening to escape at any moment. I should have taken him home. This was too much. I felt like I needed to get out of my body, like the walls of the living room were creeping steadily toward us.

"Just when I finally decided to try moving on, there you were." He fixed me with a watery smile, and it was like a knife stabbing into my chest. "And now I don't know how you fit into my life anymore."

"Maybe I don't."

"You do," he said resolutely, without hesitation. "Of course you do. You always will. Whatever happens, you and me, right?"

The sound of our old promise spoken in such a bitter, miserable way was nearly enough to send me over the edge. It took everything in me to fight the urge to walk away, to lock myself in my bedroom and convince myself this was all a nightmare. Murphy seemed to grow uneasy, leaping from the sofa and scuttling into the kitchen.

"Will," I breathed, keeping my gaze riveted to the floor. "I. . ."

The fabric of the couch rustled beneath him as he shifted his position, laying down to face me. "Vivienne," he murmured, low and gentle, and I looked up again.

It was almost startling to be so close, to be able to look into his eyes at such close proximity, especially when they were completely unguarded, brimming with pain and longing. He wasn't trying to hide anything from me. And yet, I was still hiding absolutely everything from him.

"Don't look at me like that," I pleaded softly, a tear finally breaking past the barrier to roll down my cheek. "You can't."

"I'm tired of looking at you any other way." Will reached out, stopping the tear with his thumb, and I inhaled sharply in surprise.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't move away, couldn't do anything but remain rooted in place, completely under his spell.

"A year ago, you broke my heart for the first time," he said, "and you've been breaking it every single day since."

"I've been breaking mine, too," I admitted. I didn't know to make him understand that our pain was shared, that everything I'd inflicted on him had also been inflicted onto myself.

"Then stop," he urged.

The flame behind his eyes had been lit once more, daring me to put space between us, to put a stop to whatever was about to happen. But I didn't. The moment hung in the air, suspended. And when Will reached out, cupping my face and bringing it close to his, I didn't move away either.

Not even when his lips brushed against mine, feather-light and barely there.

I stayed. I breathed in his familiar scent, reveled in the way his nose grazed against my cheek. My throat was thick, too choked up to speak, though it wasn't like I would've been able to form a coherent thought anyway. He left it there, tantalizing me, daring me to let go, to give in, to lean into the kiss. Foolishly, I wanted to. More than I could even put into words. And I hated myself for it.

Falling into him, into this moment, would be so easy.

Until it wouldn't.

I really appreciate how cool you've been about everything.

Without warning, Sabrina's voice echoed in my brain, followed by the sight of her, tired and disheveled, trying to save a relationship that was most likely doomed. Doomed, because of me.

It finally struck me how wrong all of this was. Will was intoxicated. Will had a girlfriend. Will shouldn't be here at all.

My hands flew up to enclose around his fingers, and I pulled them away from my face abruptly. His eyes fluttered open, dejected. I released him, jerkily rising to my feet, pulse thudding in my chest.

"This is—we can't," I stuttered, shaking my head. "We just can't. I—"

"I'm sorry," he murmured, rolling onto his back, face resigned, staring at the ceiling. "I shouldn't have come here."

"I'll take you home," I continued. "Let me just—water. I'll get you some water first."

"Okay."

I needed time, even just the smallest second, to come back to my senses. Without giving him another glance, I hurried into the kitchen. I pulled the sliding door shut behind me, then paced toward the sink. I rested my palms on the cool surface of the counter, before sinking down, resting my forehead against it instead. The cold was calming, though I was still breathing hard.

"What the hell just happened?" I whispered under my breath shakily, unsure of whether I wanted to cry or throw up. This had to be a nightmare.

I was smarter than this. I was kinder than this. I wasn't the type of person who kissed other people's boyfriends, no matter the circumstances. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call someone. Naomi, or Ravi, or Claire. But that would mean admitting what I'd done.

Tears sprung to my eyes again as I straightened out, opened the cupboard, and pulled out a glass. I turned on the faucet, letting it run until the water was cool, before placing the cup underneath with trembling fingers. I stood there for too long, trying to settle my breathing, and the cup overflowed, spilling over my hand.

I exhaled, dumping some of it out and grabbing a tea towel to dry the cup, before squaring my shoulders. I couldn't hide in the kitchen all night, I'd already promised him a ride home.

Taking one last deep breath, I pulled the door open once more and headed back to the living room.

"Maybe this will help you sober up," I said as I neared the sofa, coming around to hand it to him, only to find that his eyes had shuttered once more, his lips parted, his breathing much slower and steadier than mine.

He didn't stir at all.

My heart clenched painfully.

Pursing my lips, I set the glass down on the coffee table, before grabbing a blanket and draping it over him gently. I lingered for a moment, fighting the urge to brush his hair away from his forehead. This night had gone so colossally wrong. I wasn't sure if the damage could be undone.

I sniffed as another tear made its way down my cheek, no one stopping it this time. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "For everything."

After turning off all the lights except for the lamp in the corner of the room, I left him behind, heading to my bedroom to cry into my pillow.

Morning light drifted through my bedroom window, rousing me from sleep.

I stretched, yawning sleepily, and Murphy stretched beside me. I smiled softly, planting a kiss on his nose. Rolling over, I glanced at my alarm clock on the nightstand. I'd slept longer than I expected; it was nearly ten-thirty. Staving off another yawn, I sat up, my gaze drifting toward the closed bedroom door.

I stilled as the night's events came back to me, my stomach dropping.

"Shit," I muttered, dragging a hand over my face.

Nervousness tugged at my insides, and I extracted myself from the sheets, pulling on a crewneck, and smoothing down some of my frizz. I swallowed before entering the hallway on legs that shook with every step.

Upon entering the living room, the first thing I noticed was that the glass of water on the coffee table was untouched. I moved farther into the room timidly, peering over the back of the couch.

It was empty.

He was gone.

I wasn't sure whether this fact made things better or worse. On the one hand, it saved us from the awkwardness of immediately dealing with last night's mishap. But on the other hand, it meant that our inevitable conversation would be prolonged, and I'd be left to wonder what was going through his mind.

Maybe upon waking up, he'd realized the errors of his ways, and headed straight to Sabrina's house to confess. Maybe it was only a matter of time until she turned on me completely.

The memory of his lips grazing against mine returned, and as much as I hated myself for letting it happen, for remembering, for not immediately suppressing the thought, I couldn't deny that I still ached to be close to him.

And it made me feel like the most despicable person in the world. 

┅

gahhh it's been a long time (as usual)!! i hope you've all been well! and i hope you enjoyed the chapter!! pretty please let me know your thoughts <333

p.s. what do you think of the new cover?