NOVEMBER 7, 2016 - 1 YEAR AFTER

I STARED OUT the window, watching the swirl of white float gently to the ground. The first snow of the year, earlier than usual. It was still warm enough that it most likely wouldn't last long, but the way the snowflakes descended was mesmerizing to watch, and it was helping to calm my nerves for the time being.

My sweater-clad arm was pressed against the window, and the air around me was cool, making me shiver, but I didn't move away. The cold allowed me to think, helped me stay grounded, prevented my mind from going into a tailspin.

I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply, trying to ease the tension out of my shoulders to no avail. So I refocused on the campus that was steadily growing whiter.

"Waiting for your husband to return from the war?"

Naomi's voice caused me to flinch, and I turned toward her sheepishly. She smiled, offering me one of the paper coffee cups in her hands. I accepted it gratefully.

"Thanks," I said, lifting it a little higher, the comforting aroma of chai wafting toward me.

She fell into place beside me, staring out the window and taking a sip out of her own cup. "You're brooding and you didn't show up at Mugs. What's up?"

I tried to keep my face neutral, bringing my cup closer to my lips. "I thought I was always brooding," I said lightly.

She snorted. "Okay, true. But you're brooding harder than usual." Pausing, she tilted her head slightly to assess me, dark eyes analyzing my features. After another moment, she looped her free arm around me, and I immediately sank into the hug with a sigh. "Tell me all about it, babe."

My throat constricted. I wanted to tell her everything. I kissed Will, was eager to burst from my lips, well, almost kissed. But I was too ashamed. And there wasn't a way to explain the gravity of the situation without going back to a year ago, to the months that preceded our downfall, and everything that happened since. This was neither the time nor the place to get into all of that, and my insides squeezed with anxiety at the mere thought of dredging everything up.

I leaned my head against hers, continuing to watch the view outside. "I'm fine, really."

A silence fell between us, making her unspoken doubt clear.

"Viv," she said, her voice low. "You don't have to be fine. It's okay."

I blinked rapidly. I wasn't going to cry.

"But if you don't want to talk about whatever's bugging you, I won't push. I just want you to know that I'm here," she continued. "I know I've been busy lately, but I'd drop whatever I was doing in a heartbeat if you needed me."

My lips slid into a smile of affection, and I slipped my arm around her waist, giving her a squeeze. "I love you," I returned. "And I'd do the same for you."

"Always and forever, babe."

We parted ways, and I steeled myself for the walk to the Photoshop lab. Even months into the school year, the journey managed to be nearly as daunting as my first day. But now it wasn't a question of whether or not I'd see Will, it was a question of whether or not he remembered what happened in the late hours of Saturday night.

I reached the door, pushing it open after hauling in the deepest of breaths. The room felt as stifling as usual, and I hovered near the door, unsure which seat to take. It had been a few weeks since I'd sat next to Will, and I was certain whoever was being forced to play musical chairs with me wouldn't appreciate it if I took that seat back again. But I needed to talk to Will, to find out what he remembered, or else I would self-destruct.

Thinking better of it, I headed to the seat across the room instead. I would just have to catch him after class. I settled into the chair, setting down my things, and half-turning so I could keep an eye on the door. Every time it opened, my pulse spiked. Until finally, Will himself walked through the entrance, looking like Hell.

His brown hair was usually artfully tousled, but today, it just looked as though he'd had a night of tossing and turning. The stubble on his face was dark, and there were faint shadows beneath his eyes. My stomach twisted painfully at the sight of him. His eyes flickered in my direction for a millisecond, before they quickly darted away.

A wash of embarrassment and regret flooded over me. What did he remember?

In about ninety minutes, I was determined to find out.

The moment we were free to leave, I hurriedly gathered up my things, shoving them into my bag and making for the door, trying to beat Will to the hallway. I had a feeling he was going to try to leave without talking to me, and it felt like a bizarre role reversal of nearly every time we'd spoken since I came back from Japan.

His seat was closer to the door, so despite my haste, he still managed to make it there before me. I followed him out, catching the sleeve of his hoodie once we were in the hall.

"Will," I called. "Wait."

He stopped short at the sound of my voice, slowly turning around to face me. The second his gaze landed on my face, a mix of nerves and butterflies swirled inside of me, and the memory of his lips barely grazing mine returned.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hi," I returned, suddenly lost for words. "How are you doing?"

I was fully aware it was a stupid question, but he answered anyway. "I've been better."

"I just. . ." I scrambled for a way to make this conversation less awkward. "I'm glad you made it home alright yesterday morning."

A flicker of something unidentifiable flashed across his features. He reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "Yeah, about that. . ." he trailed off uncomfortably. "I'm really sorry. I don't know why I showed up at your place. Thanks for letting me crash there."

"Don't worry about it," I murmured, wrapping my arms around my torso, waiting for him to say more.

"Honestly, Saturday night is kind of a blur," he admitted, worry creasing his eyebrows, his eyes intent on my face. "I don't really remember much. And I didn't mean to ditch without saying anything. It's just that when I woke up and realized where I was, I kind of freaked out. I'm sorry."

I bit the inside of my lip, trying to read his face for any signs of deceit. Did he really not remember what happened? Or did he think it would be easier if he pretended he didn't?

Will glanced around the hallway, before taking a step closer, lowering his voice. "Did I. . . did I say anything weird to you?" he asked, and the concern on his features had multiplied. "Did something happen?"

My lips parted in a slow exhale. There was no way to fake the anxiety on his face. He truly didn't remember anything. Not his words, not the look in his eyes, not the near-kiss. I swallowed, cursing myself for the thread of disappointment that was tangling around my heart. This was a good thing.

"Nothing happened," I assured him with a small smile, hoping it was convincing.

"Really?"

"Really." I nodded. "You weren't very coherent when you showed up. I got you set up on the couch and you crashed pretty quickly."

Will grimaced. "Well, that's embarrassing." He paused, softening a little. "Thanks for taking care of me."

"No problem."

He lifted his hand in a wave, before taking off down the hallway, adjusting the strap of his backpack, and I watched him go, wondering if I'd made the right decision by omitting the truth. Lord knew it wasn't the first time. Keeping things from Will was basically second nature at this point. But he'd looked so worried about the potential of saying something he shouldn't have, I couldn't imagine how he would've reacted to finding out he practically kissed me.

I should've felt relieved. I wished I did.

After typography, I headed out to the parking lot, rooting through my bag for my car keys. I was so engrossed in looking that I didn't notice the person heading in my direction until we collided. Somehow, each of us managed to hold onto our belongings and stay upright, and after making sure everything was in place, I looked up to see who I'd crashed into. My breath caught in my throat.

Sabrina.

She was wide-eyed, flecks of snow landing in her dark hair and disappearing, her lips parted in surprise. She took a startled step backward, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. We hadn't spoken in weeks, and it was clear from the look on her face that she'd been purposely avoiding me until now.

"Sorry," I murmured, not knowing what else to say.

"My fault," she replied. "I wasn't paying attention."

She made to move past me into the building, but I suddenly felt the need to speak to her, to make sure things were alright between us, as if it would make up for what happened on Saturday. Even if she didn't know about it.

"Sabrina," I said quickly. "Do you want to go out for coffee sometime?"

Sabrina hesitated with her back toward me, her fingers hovering above the door handle. After too long of a pause, she sighed, turning around again. "Look, Vivienne," she started, looking uncomfortable. "I like you. I do. But I think I need space. At least for a while."

I blinked in confusion, eyebrows furrowing. "Space?" I repeated dumbly.

"I don't blame you for anything," she explained, her expression shifting, as though she was confused herself. "But it's just kind of hard to be around you right now, considering everything. I thought you'd understand that."

"Sure," I said slowly, even though I didn't. The last time we'd hung out was the end of September, when she found out about my relationship with Will. I saw her once after that in early October, to apologize. But nothing had happened between us since then. "Or maybe I don't. I'm a little confused."

A flicker of irritation dashed across her pretty features, and she bristled. "Seriously?"

I had the vague sensation that this conversation was becoming a pit of sinking sand and it wouldn't be long until I reached the bottom. "I just—I thought we'd moved past what happened at the escape room."

She made another face of disbelief, and I felt myself shrinking inward. "The escape room? That's not what I'm talking about, Vivienne."

I let out a laugh, breathy and nervous. "I'm not following."

"I'm talking about Will breaking up with me. I thought that was obvious."

I froze. Slowly, I shook my head, sure that I was still misunderstanding. "He. . . what?" I breathed. "The last time I saw you, you said you guys were making progress. . . I thought—"

Sabrina laughed shortly, without humor. "We weren't. I may have bent the truth a little," she confessed, looking sheepish. "He'd actually already ended things, but I was in denial. I wanted us to work things out, and when you asked me about it, I just couldn't seem to stop lying. I felt really bad about it."

My mind was reeling. This whole time, they hadn't been together?

"Sabrina, I'm so sorry," I said, feeling light-headed.

"You really didn't know?" she asked, looking a little less angry, more resigned. "I thought you would be the first person he told, considering he broke up with me because of you."

All of the air felt like it rushed out of my lungs in one long exhale.

I could feel the familiar thrum of my pulse in my throat, and I struggled to even out my breathing as everything began to slide into place. Will inviting me to his game. Will being so upset when I switched seats, and more so when I told him we should end whatever it was that we were doing. Will showing up drunk at my house after seeing me with someone else.

Will trying to kiss me.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Oh my God," I whispered.

"It's okay," she said, offering me a tiny smile that looked genuine. "It's for the best. I don't want to be someone's second choice. But honestly, I think Will has only ever had one choice."

I swallowed, blinking rapidly, barely registering when she bid me goodbye and headed inside. I stood there, numb, in the falling snow, feeling like my entire world had been tilted on its axis yet again. I didn't know how much time passed before I finally snapped out of my trance and stalked toward my car, on the verge of hyperventilating.

It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense.

"What the fuck?" I breathed, once I was safely inside of the car, no one within earshot. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, leaning my head against it.

If I was the reason his relationship ended, why hadn't he told me? Why had we spent all these weeks avoiding each other? I had been doing it out of respect for Sabrina, and because I didn't want to ruin Will's life more than I already had. What was his reason?

The feelings of guilt, remorse, and dizzying hope were quickly overtaken by anger. I was angry he hadn't told me, angry he'd allowed me to feel so guilty, to live in fear of destroying a relationship that had already been destroyed.

I didn't know what to do with my anger. I wasn't used to feeling it so intensely. I wanted it to go away, to recede back into the dark corners it had seeped from, so I could breathe again. I just wanted to breathe.

Without even really thinking about it, I reached into my bag, digging out my cell phone. I scrolled through my contacts and selected a name as though I was on autopilot.

The call was answered after a couple rings, and it wasn't long before I was connected to Ravi's warm voice.

"Abbott. Always a pleasure. What's up?"

"Are you busy right now?" I asked.

"I always have time for you. What do you need?"

The Moody Beach parking lot was high enough that you had a decent view of the ocean, and of the lighthouse a distance away. By the time I picked up Ravi and we drove out here, what was visible of the sun between the clouds had started to dip toward the horizon. I was too wired to sit in the car, so we stood outside despite the cold, leaning against it, our arms pressed together.

"I'm just so confused," I said, for what felt like the millionth time.

Ravi hummed in agreement. "Would it kill you to have a conversation with the guy?" he asked. "I mean, he still doesn't know, right?"

Doors immediately shuttered inside of me. "No," I murmured, "he doesn't."

"You should probably start there," he urged softly, looking down at me with sympathetic eyes. "You'll just keep torturing yourself if you don't."

I sighed heavily, closing my eyes. "No more Will talk. I need a break."

"Fine," he said, before his face took on a devilish glint. "Race you to the water?"

I laughed. "To do what? It's freezing, Ravi."

"We're not going in, obviously. It's just a race. Me and you. Come on."

He broke away, latching onto my wrist and dragging me toward the wooden stairs going down to the beach. I protested the whole way, though I was still laughing.

"I already know I'm going to lose," I said, digging in my heels. "I'm cold now, let's go back in the car."

"No way!" he exclaimed.

We reached the bottom of the stairs, but instead of taking off toward the water, he crouched in front of me, grabbing both my arms and tugging until I fell against him. Without warning, he stood, grabbing onto my legs and I squealed, clutching him tightly to keep myself from falling.

"What are you doing?" I cried.

"Since you don't want to race, I'll just give you a piggyback instead," he explained simply, grinning.

Above us, some of the clouds melted away, and we were cast in rays of golden light as he carted me around the empty beach. It wasn't long before my stomach hurt from laughing, and my arms began to get sore from holding on with a death grip as he spun me around until we were both dizzy.

After a while, he set me down and we collapsed onto the beach in a fit of laughter. It felt good, as if I was banishing the confusion and anxiety from earlier today second by second.

"You are so weird," I told him, still breathless.

"Please," he scoffed, waving a hand. "You wouldn't have me any other way."

I realized it was true. Ravi and his quirks had a way of single-handedly replacing all the bad with good in a way that felt so effortless. Somehow he'd become an anchor for me over the past few months. I smiled, watching as he ran a hand through his hair. Golden hour definitely did him justice. His dark curls were growing a little longer, and they were normally perfectly maintained, though they'd become entirely unkempt. His brown eyes were bright with excitement, the tip of his red nose from the cold, and his grin was always so easy.

Easy.

It was the word that kept coming back to my mind when I thought about my time with him, and I found myself thinking again that it would be easy to be with him. He was beautiful, and kind, and we had no history together. Falling in love with him would be safe.

Would it be so wrong to give it a try?

Ravi's eyes narrowed, and he tilted his head. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Nerves twisted in my belly, moving upward until my fingers shook. Before I could stop myself, I had leaned forward, pressing my lips against his. I lingered, waiting to feel a spark, to feel anything, but it didn't come, and Ravi went still beneath me. I quickly pulled away, eyes widening as I registered what I'd just done.

Ravi's eyes were wide too, his mouth falling open. "Oh," he said.

"Oh?" I repeated, cheeks warming.

"Oh, no."

I was immediately mortified. "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I just did that."

"Vivienne, I—"