"The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away still madly in love with you"

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"It's a lot of damn work, Blake. I'm not exaggerating and I don't want to scare you, but this shit is going to be tough. However, if anyone can do it, it's you."

"Thanks, coach."

A proud smile makes its way onto my face and my head continues to spin.

It's Monday morning and I'm currently sitting in Coach's office. He called me here to talk about my potentially very real future in the NHL.

God, just thinking about that is insane.

Despite the fact that it's been my plan from the second I threw on a pair of skates and stepped onto the ice, I won't deny there's been a small shred of doubt planted firmly in the back of my mind. Constantly nagging me, telling me I'm not good enough to go pro. But, part of me is grateful for that, it pushed me to be the player I am today.

Fuck, I guess all those late night practices and early morning workouts really paid off.

"I reached out to a buddy of mine. He's going to help you through the process of being drafted and signed. You should be damn proud of yourself, son, not many men get to turn this dream into a reality."

His words sink in.

He's right.

We all love hockey, there's no doubt about that, and I've never questioned the boy's dedication to the sport, but for lots of my teammates, going pro just isn't in their cards.

Luke, Mason, and Theo all know playing in the NHL isn't in their future, but they also know that isn't what they want for themselves.

Luke loves hockey and is a damn valuable member of the team, but his love for it is merely out of entertainment and fun. He has no desire to go pro and says it would quote, "Stress him the fuck out." He only tolerates the strict and regimented side of hockey and when he graduates, he's happy with letting the sport be a collection of good memories.

Mason is a great player, his stick handling is pretty insane and it never fails to baffle me, but his future in this sport doesn't go much further than university. For reasons I will never understand, his passion is academics. Science, engineering, math. The kid is just about a genius and one day he's going to be a hot shot architect, in some fancy suit, and with his office on the fiftieth floor.

Theo potentially could get drafted. He's faster than lightning when you slap a pair of skates on his feet, but his heart isn't in it when it gets overly intense. And going pro can only be described as intense. He loves hockey for a different reason. Less so playing it, more so coaching it. I've watched him with the little boys he teaches, there's no mistaking how happy it makes him.

Owen, however, we have plans together. Of getting drafted and being signed to the same team. Having him by my side throughout what I'm sure will be a scary as shit process, makes it so much less daunting. He's truly the greatest goalie I've ever had the pleasure of sharing the ice with. It's pretty god damn inspiring watching him do his thing.

"Now, I feel like I'm required to say this," his voice is a little wary, a stark different from his usually commanding and assured tone. "This life isn't all big bucks and glamorous parties the media cracks it up to be. I've seen some men get out there with those expectations and crash and burn, both in their professional life and personal life."

"I know, coach."

"Good. You're going to be busy as a fucker." I scrunch my brows at his weird expression. "You'll be traveling constantly, beyond tired, and far from home. Personal relationships will take a hit, people will invade your privacy, and my training will feel like a distant dream."

I take a deep breath and digest his words. I knew all of this before, but hearing it listed out to me, voiced by my coach, it's so much more real and hard-hitting.

"With that being said, there's a reason it's every little kid's dream. It's rewarding, exciting, and worth all of the other shit.

I nod my head as I take in everything he's saying. Who knew he could be so... eloquent? No, that's not quite the right word. But it sure is a step up from the yelling and grunting I normally face.

"I really do look forward to watching you on screen one day soon, just don't forget where you came from."

The two of us talk for a little longer about this huge life step before I leave his office and give room for Owen to take my place, probably getting the same speech I just listened to. I sit outside his office, catching up on some school work as I wait.

It takes about twenty minutes before I'm called back into his room and sat next to Owen who's currently sporting the world's most excited grin.

Coach lays out the plan for the next couple of weeks. Later this week, we're playing the most important games of the season. It's the championships and if we win this, we can go down as the current best Canadian university hockey team there is. Which means training is going to be hell. Coach is going to be pushing us like never before and we will be doing everything in our power to meet his expectations.

Not to put too much pressure on myself and the boys, but this might be one of the most pivotal nights of my life. So much so, my dad is coming to watch, for real this time. Lately, he's been promising me he's going to be there, watching me during the games. However, for the last three games, all three promises were broken. Work, of course. He's busy.

I get it, I'm so used to it by now, his absence rolls of my back. But tonight is different. It's life-changing and Dad knows, so when he says he's going to be there, I know he will be. He knows how important this is to me.

After the game though, Owen and I are traveling across the country to attend an NHL rookie training camp of sorts. To get a feel of the overall atmosphere. Arenas, training, coaches, teammates. It's only a couple days and then we have a meeting with an agent, some buddy of coach. Then, we get back home to resume training even though the season will be technically over. Work never rests.

We've got this in the bag.

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Well, I was wrong.

I guess it's my own damn fault.

For letting myself believe my dad would actually follow through with a promise and show up.

I stepped onto the ice earlier tonight and immediately spotted the people I love most.

Laney was seated between Nancy and Jemma, with Charlotte on her lap. Chase, Aspen, Beth, Harper, and Daisy filled the rest of the row.

I can recognize all of the boys' families.

Luke's mom and dad are wearing hoodies with his face and jersey number printed on it. Mason's mom is yelling at the top of her lungs, a sound I've become familiar with from playing with him for so long.

Everyone was there.

All but one.

We won the game and yet I'm in a shit mood.

We're champions and I can barely muster up a genuine smile.

It's the worst feeling: when someone isn't there for you.

My teammates and I pile into the locker room and listen to coach deliver his usual speech after a winning game. This speech however is a little more exciting and hyped up, I mean we won the championships. Not even coach can stop grinning.

Yet, instead of focusing on his words, I pull out my phone from my locker and I'm met with a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from my dad.

""

I'm not surprised.

""

He doesn't even realize this was the last one.

""

I roll my eyes as I read the texts.

I can't even be mad at him, though. I'm only mad at myself, for genuinely thinking he'd come tonight.

Coach finishes speaking and the second he steps out the door, our locker room fills with loud cheers. The boys are fucking stocked, understandably so. Tonight's game was tough and the other team was damn good.

But we were better.

Every single guy played great. We were faster, our passes were cleaner, our shots were more accurate, and our hits had more edge.

It feels surreal to think we've just won the entire season and during a home game no less. Being able to have our school and families support us during such an important night played a huge role in our win.

After much-needed showers, we all change back into our suits and disperse to meet up with whoever came to support us.

I'm first out the door, making my way to Laney who's bundled up in a winter coat. She runs over to me, jumping into my arms and hugging me as tight as she can.

"Hey, baby." I nuzzle my head into the crook of her neck and whisper.

"I'm so proud of you. You were incredible out there."

"Thank you."

"I can't believe I'm dating a champion. I better get used to it though, I can tell this is the first of many huge wins for you."

I'm actually able to crack a real grin at her words. I love how genuine her pride is.

I put her down on the ground and she looks up at me with those familiar brown eyes.

They look like home.

Her face falls slightly, filling with sympathy, before she says, "I'm sorry your dad wasn't here."

"It's okay, I'm alright," I assure her.

But it's not okay.

And I'm not alright.

⋆✧⋆✧⋆

"Sterling Blake?" The receptionist calls my name and I follow her into a small office.

An older man, about coach's age, gets up from his chair and holds out his hand. "Kevin Hilton," he introduces himself.

"Sterling Blake, sir." I shake it before he tells me to take a seat.

Despite this entire week being full of new and incredibly nerve-racking experiences, this is the most nervous I've felt the entire time.

The rookie training camp was intimidating, I won't deny that, but, as cheesy as it sounds, I'm at home on the ice. With a pair of skates on my feet and a stick in my hand, my nerves turn into adrenaline, fuelling me. The second I started playing, confidence and assurance washed over me. Plus, I had Owen by my side.

But this? Sitting in a pristine office, across from an important agent, and talking business; it's not my strong suit.

Despite the pit in my stomach and my shaky hands, I put on a resolute smile and shape my future.

Fake it till you make it, I guess.

"When Coach Fleming reached out to me and mentioned you'd be interested in a sit-down with me, I jumped at the opportunity. Listen, Sterling, I'm just going to come out and say it. You're one of the top university players in the country right now. I know you're interested in going pro and I can get you there. I can put together a deal for you and have you signed at the drop of a hat. You're pretty damn special, kid."

His words ease some of my nerves and I won't lie, the compliments restore some of my condense.

"Thank you, sir. That means a lot."

The meeting doesn't last long. He goes over what the likely plan and ultimate goal is. By the end, I'm one step closer to playing pro.

I get back to my hotel room and finally have some time to myself.

The last three days have been insane.

Coach was right when he said this life wasn't easy. To think this was only a two-day training camp and a couple of meetings, and I'm this busy. It's a scary thought.

The first day was just traveling which was tiring in its own right. And with the time difference, being on a plane, and scrambling to be at the right place at the right time, I had missed 2 calls from Laney, a couple texts, and a facetime.

I sent her a quick text updating her, telling her I was sorry for missing everything, and promising to call her tomorrow.

The next day, I woke up at 5:00 in the morning, got to the rink at 6:00, and then trained and played my ass off until 11:30 at night.

It was a full day of playing hockey, working out, making connections, meeting new people, and traveling, with no time in between to have a break.

By the time I got home, I was fucking exhausted.

I forced myself to take a shower and, for the first time that day, picked up my phone.

Laney was busy at work and by the time she called me back, I had fallen asleep.

Which means I had broken my promise.

I told her I'd call her, and I didn't.

I felt like shit for it and kicked myself the second I woke up this morning and realized what I had done. But, because I fell asleep accidentally, I forget to set my alarm.

Luckily, Owen didn't and he barged into my hotel room to get me up and to the rink in time.

Another full day of the training camp left me unable to even send Laney a quick text. Then, I got so caught up with the meeting, I hadn't even touched my phone until now.

You know how bad I felt when I realized I missed her call last night? Yeah, that feeling pales in comparison to how I feel now.

I open my messages from Laney to see if she's free to call and let her know how the meeting was, and I realize she's been trying to get a hold of me all day.

""

""

""

""

""

""

""

""

""

""

""

If it's possible for your heart to break in two, that's what just happened to me.

I read the texts over and over again and I genuinely feel sick.

Two days.

Two whole days.

I left her without so much as a text.

The worst part about it? It was so easy to do.

I got wrapped up in training and meetings. I let myself chalk it up to my busy schedule, filling my head with my own excuses, when I know I probably could've taken three seconds to shoot her a text.

It doesn't take long for me to spiral.

This is just a glimpse into what life is going to be for me in the future.

My new normal.

I realize coach is right.

I realize I can't handle everything.

Balancing this life with a family, a wife and kids, it's impossible.

It's impossible to give Laney the life she wants.

I think back to our plan.

Two kids.

A boy first. Then a baby girl.

I imagine her with two young kids, overwhelmed and overworked while I'm across the country playing a game.

I think back to all the birthdays my dad missed. All the school meetings, hockey games, gymnastics competitions.

Then, the pictures in my head go from memories to a glimpse into the future.

Instead of me on the ice looking into the crowd only to be disappointed by my dad not there, It's my son on the ice and I'm the absent father.

I can't help but hear coach's words from earlier invade my mind.

Suddenly it sounds less like a precaution and more like a warning.

Less like a possibility and more like an inevitability.

You're going to be busy.

Check.

Travelling constantly.

Check.

Beyond tired.

Check.

Far from home.

Check.

Personal relationships will take a hit.

Check.

I've seen some of my men get out there and crash and burn, both in their professional life and personal life.

Give me about another week and; check.

The spiral gets deeper and faster.

More dangerous and damaging.

Detrimental and destructive.

Reflecting back on the last few days, I realize I became who I've spent my whole life trying not to be.

Yes, I love my dad.

He's my dad, of course I love him.

But part of me resents him too.

Because he was never there.

The same way I wouldn't be able to be there for her.

The same way I haven't been there for her.

I can't have Delaney resent me too. I won't hurt her and drag her with me.

I won't put her through that.

I consider quitting hockey, backing out of the NHL, but I know Laney would never let that happen. And I couldn't take her blaming herself when this is anything but her fault.

Suddenly, the only conclusion I can come to is breaking up with her; ending the relationship.

Saving her.

Saving her from a life of an absent husband.

Saving our kids from a life of an absent father.

As much as it breaks my fucking heart, I know what I have to do.

As much as I want the best of both worlds; a family with Laney and a career in the pros, I know that's my selfishness talking.

I can't give her what she wants; what she deserves.

Someone else will, though.

Now, I'm picturing her happy and in love with someone who's not me.

Married to another guy. Pregnant with his kids.

My dinner threatens to make an appearance and I rush into the bathroom just intake to spill the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

I'm utterly fucked.

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Please don't hate me or Sterling...

Let the book run its course :)

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