"A hand to hold and a reason to believe"

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It's been a while since Christmas which means break is long over and it's back to studying and attending lectures. However, despite the huge workload I currently have, life couldn't possibly be better.

Sterling and I are perfect, not to brag or anything.

It's a rare occurrence when I don't wake up next to him in the morning. Either he stays over at my place or me at his, and with him holding me, I sleep like a rock. No waking up in the middle of the night with a panic attack or feeling anxious while I'm trying to get to sleep.

None of that.

Because he's there.

For the most part, when we're together it's nothing overly exciting or too expensive. Sure, we treat ourselves to the occasional fancy date, but usually it's just the two of us talking until 4:00 AM, cuddling while watching a movie, or having mind-blowing sex.

Surprisingly, I don't have much to do right now. Sterling is at hockey practice with the rest of the boys, Chase is working out, and the girls are all busy doing their own things. Which means I'm home alone.

So, I decide it's a good time to pick up a book.

It's been a while since I've read. A lot of it is due to the fact that I've been swamped with school, but another part is because I haven't felt the need to escape into another world.

I'm really happy with my own life.

Because no one is here, I don't hesitate to pick a sad book. If I start sobbing in my room, no one is here to laugh at how emotional I am.

I gather a few snacks from downstairs and bring them to my room. Yes, I eat in my bed, don't judge me. Then, I find a box of tissues and set them on my nightstand before I crack open the book that's sure about to devastate me, and begin reading.

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I've been reading the entire day, and all I have to say is; I was right.

I'm currently wearing Sterling's hoodie with the hood up over my head, huddled up under about a dozen blankets, and sobbing my eyes out.

Was this a good idea? I don't even know.

Probably not.

I set the finished book down and look into my mirror.

I am a mess.

My eyes are red and puffy, my face is flushed, my nose is running more than I'd care to admit, and my head is pounding. And, despite that the book is done, I can't say the same for my tears as they continue to stream down my face.

I guess I don't hear Sterling unlock the door with the key I gave him, and walk upstairs to my room. I don't even realize he's staring at me crying until he speaks. "Laney? What's wrong, baby?"

I try and respond, not wanting him to worry, but my communication skills are at an all-time low. It comes out as gibberish which can be blamed on my non-stop weeping and laughing at how dumb I definitely look.

I take a deep breath, wipe my tears, swallow hard, and try again.

"I was home alone so I decided to read a sad book."

"Uh oh," he interrupts me and I nod my head.

Uh oh is right.

"It was just so sad." My voice breaks when I remember the last few chapters again.

"Jesus, Laney, you scared me. I thought something seriously bad happened." He's chuckling at me now as he walks to the side of the bed and sits down next to me.

"This is bad!" I tell him.

He just lets out a deep chuckle and fakes interest. "Alright, what happened?"

"Well, The main character, Sabrina, she got sick in the last few chapters of the book. She tried to fight but it was too late, she died." I attempt explaining this to him but it's clear it doesn't choke him up the way it does me. So, I sober myself up to confirm for him that I'm alright. "But no, nothing bad happened, I'm okay."

"Good." He kisses me on the forehead and I melt the same way I do every time he does that.

"That wasn't even the saddest part tho," I keep talking about the story, clearly not able to move on just yet. "He let her go."

"Who?"

"Ivan, Sabrina's husband. When she was dying, he told her she could leave him. Her told her to let go. He let her go. That's just so sad!"

He tries his best not to laugh at me and instead, pulls my body into his, wrapping his comforting arms around me. I place my head on his chest, surely leaving wet spots from my tears on his shirt.

"Don't let me go, okay?" I blab on, not really sure where that came from.

He sits up and faces me, brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, if something happens to me, don't tell me to let go. Don't tell me you'll be fine without me or any of that crap, make me stay. Because while maybe you'll be fine without me, I wouldn't be, even though I guess I'd be dead." I'm not making much sense to myself so I'm sure Sterling is hanging on for dear life trying to figure me out.

"I promise," he starts. "And for the record, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be fine without you. I'd be the farthest from fine you can get."

Feeling like our conversation is rather morbid, I change the subject slightly. "You know, I actually used to hate books."

"No way." There's heavy disbelief in his voice. "You're telling me, Delaney Lawrence, the girl who reads three books a week, didn't like books? I honestly can't imagine. No way."

"Way." I tell him. "I hated books, until I started to fall in love with the love inside them."

He doesn't respond to that. He just holds me a little tighter and a little closer, rubbing small circles on my back.

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The two of us end up falling asleep for close to an hour but I wake up when my bladder is seconds from exploding.

I slide out from his tight hold, do my business, and then climb straight back in. Only I think my moving around wakes him up because Sterling stirs out of his sleep.

"Hi," I whisper, turning in his arms and facing him.

"Hi, love."

"I'm starving, let's make something to eat," I suggest when my stomach voices its hunger.

We end up making pasta, something easy because we're both still groggy from falling asleep. Sterling sets the table while I pour the sauce over the noodles, and we dig in.

Once we've quenched our hunger enough to take breaths between bites and talk, I start.

The two of us are incredibly open with each other and we talk all the time, but the subject of our future has been neglected. Sure, we've touched on it, but we haven't fully discussed it in detail.

"Question," I start.

"Shoot."

"What's your plan?" I put another fork full of pasta into my mouth.

"Plan?"

"Yeah, I mean. We haven't really talked about it. About us. About our future. I want to know your thoughts."

"I plan on marrying you, and then starting a family when we're ready." He points to the beautiful ring on my finger and I smile.

The ring Sterling got me for Christmas was the most perfect present I've ever received. It's a gorgeous piece of jewelry and the fact that it's my favourite flower makes it even sweeter. It's also quite the conversation starter. Every single person I know, including our friends and my family, genuinely asked if we we're engaged.

"Question," he starts this time.

"Shoot," I mirror his response from earlier.

"What's your plan?"

"Honestly, the same thing you said. I want to graduate before anything happens. But, after I do and I'm settled into law school, I think I'd want to, you know, tie the knot and all that."

He chuckles as he takes a sip of water.

"Then, once I have a stable job, I want to have kids with you," I continue.

"Two right? Like you and Chase."

His knowledge makes my heart squeeze and brings me back to the conversation we had when we were first getting to know each other. We were driving to Charlotte's school, picking her up for ice cream, and we decided to ask each other questions. The number of kids we wanted came up and, apparently, he remembered.

God, that feels like ages ago.

"Mhm," I confirm.

We're basically done eating now but we continue to sit at the table and talk.

"But I mean, the specifics, what are your specifics?" I dig deeper.

He furrows his brows in confusion. "My specifics?"

"Yeah, I mean what does after graduation look like for you?"

"Well, as of right now, the plan is getting drafted and playing in the NHL."

"That's so cool," I interrupt and he smirks.

"I want to play in the league and then start a family with you. Two kids. Hopefully, a boy and a girl. The NHL is a big deal and I won't pretend it's not going to keep me more than busy. But we're going to make it work. I know we will."

"We will," I echo with confidence.

And with that, we put our dishes away, head up to my room, and climb back into bed. He holds open the covers for me and throws them over us when I'm cuddled into his side. My head on his chest, his arm wrapped around my waist, our legs tangled together.

Except making it work is easier said than done.

And while we said we would be able to, reality hit us like a truck.

Maybe if I had known just how wrong I'd be, I wouldn't have fallen asleep so quickly. I would've basked in the feeling of his arms around me and the warmth radiating from his body. I would've soaked it all in, for the last time.

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I'm not even going to say anything... I'll just leave that there.

Question of the chapter: Favourite holiday?

Please vote and comment!

Stay safe and healthy <3