The vulnerability in Elliot's eyes paralyzes me. It's not just me that's terrified I won't be enough. We're both scared neither one of us is capable of providing the other with what they need. Maybe we're not—or maybe we're two perfectly flawed people with so many rough and torn edges they'll fray and fit together beautifully.

I gently smooth the hair back from her face and lean down to press my lips to her skin. "It's yours, Elle." I grab her hand and place it on my chest, and my heart pounds against it. "That's not a question, that's the problem." I take an unsteady breath. "I'm so fucking in love with you that it brings out the worst part of me."

She shakes her head. "There isn't a worst part of you. You're a good guy—"

"I'm not," I say, cutting her off with a bitter laugh. Her eyes are incredulous when they meet mine, but I don't falter. "I'm not, Elle. I had a shit life for most of it, and I struggle with the aftermath that it caused."

Elliot's face tenses. She's trying not to react to what I'm saying. I know she wants to protect me from judgment, but it will come anyway. A story like mine always does.

I roll over on my back and lace my hands across my chest. My eyes fix on the ceiling, so I don't have to see hers while I speak. "Where do I begin?" I sigh heavily and the bed shifts beside me, and I feel her move closer. Her fingertips inch toward mine, and I slide my hand over to meet them. "I used to get in trouble a lot as a kid. Getting into fights at school or at a friend's house—didn't matter where really, I was usually hitting someone."

Another bitter laugh escapes me. "My father taught me how to fight. It mostly came from him beating on me, but I learned a thing or two."

I smirk at her in an attempt to lighten the mood, but she's not amused.

I sigh. "I was like this all through school until I hit ninth grade. I was gone more with soccer and stuff so that left more time for him to focus his rage on someone else." I clench my fist and grit my teeth when I think of my mother. "I wasn't going to let him hit her. You never raise your hands to a woman—especially not someone you love."

I risk a glance over at her, and there are tears in her eyes. Unable to stand it any longer, I turn on my side and tuck her into my chest. "I would never hurt you, Elliot. Ever."

"I know," she whispers.

I lean back so I can see her face, gently cupping her check. "You have to know that. Everything I do is to protect you. The way he acts—I don't like it. It fucking scares me."

She leans back from me a little, and I move my hand down to rest on her hip. "Judah's not scary, he's sad."

I shake my head. Sadness leads to anger and anger leads to violence. It's only a matter of time before he loses his shit, and I'm not going to stand around and wait for it to happen. Especially since she's with me now. It's my most important job to keep her safe.

"Sad or not, it's not right the way he was acting." I press my finger to her lips when she starts to protest. "What I did wasn't right either." I lower my hand. "I know that."

Her face softens, and she lowers her eyes to the space between us. "I'm glad because I never want to see that again." She looks up at me with a more serious expression. "I mean it. Judah and I are going to be in each other's lives. Our families are long-time friends, and he's my friend, too."

I don't understand how she thinks they can remain friends after this. He's clearly still in love with her, and I would bet anything he's not okay with her and I being together. That's assuming she told him everything.

I'm about to ask her about it when she speaks first. The concern is back on her face again. "What happened? Why is he in prison?"

I laugh once. "I guess you're not going to let this go, huh?"

She shakes her head, and I take a deep breath. "Okay, well—my father is serving time for felony assault on a minor." Her eyes widen, but I keep going. "It would have been attempted murder, but my testimony prevented that from happening."

Elliot brings her hand up to cover her mouth. It's shocking when you say it out loud—murder. Do I think he wanted to kill me? Absolutely, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. Who wants to admit their father hates them so much they nearly beat them to death?

"I spent two months in the hospital after we got into it one night after practice. He was drunk as usual and pushing my mom around the living room. I stepped in and tried to be a hero, and he showed me I wasn't."

I shrug like it's no big deal, but Elliot's crying. She feels bad for me, and I never wanted that. I never wanted her to know this part of me, to know what I'm capable of. I'm sure that was already shot to shit after she saw what I did to Judah.

She wipes under her eyes and reaches for my hand again. She brings it up to her lips and kisses it gently. "I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that."

I lean down and catch her lips briefly. "It's okay, baby. I'm okay."

That's probably a lie, but she doesn't call me out on it. I've never really talked about my past to anyone—besides Ollie, and that's not exactly a good thing. They suggested a therapist after the incident, but I never saw one. Call it pride or just being a stubborn kid, but I wasn't about to sit in a room with someone I never met before and pour my heart out. Fuck that.

Her eyes drift away from me for a moment. "Judah isn't going to say anything about us."

"How do you know?"

She looks back to me. "Because he promised."

"And you believe him?"

"Yes."

I lower my head into the palm of my hand, feeling like an idiot for losing it on him. The last thing we need is to draw attention to ourselves when we still have five months until graduation. If it gets out that we're seeing each other, it will be detrimental for both of us.

She runs her hand along my back in an attempt to comfort me. Comfort me after what I did to us.

I look up at her. "I'll apologize to Judah. I'll set shit straight with him, and hopefully it will be enough."

Elliot's fingers trail along the side of my face. "It makes me very happy that you're willing to do that. I promise he's not a bad guy."

My stomach twists at her words. She's right. Judah is not a bad guy. Sure, he has his faults just like the rest of us—but at the end of the day it's becoming more and more clear that maybe he is better for her. Despite the stupid teenage bullshit they go through, they have a strong history, and they care about each other. She may love me now, but what about next time? How will she feel if I can't control myself some other time and really hurt someone? I don't want to end up like my father, but it doesn't seem like that far of a stretch.

***

The next morning Elliot is still cuddled beside me when I open my eyes. It's almost light outside, and I curse under my breath for agreeing to run with Oliver. The only time you can count on him to be punctual is when a sport is involved. Work, meetings, any kind of date—you're pushing your luck.

I sigh when I glance at the bedside clock. Ten minutes. I rub my eyes with the balls of my hands and then nudge Elliot gently. She stirs, but doesn't move much and mumbles something I don't quite make out.

I lean down and kiss her cheek. "Wake up, baby. Ollie will be here soon."

"So," she says, her face half in the pillow. "He already knows."

I laugh. "Yeah, well I don't want to rub it in his face too much, too soon. I have a feeling I'm on his shit list."

Elliot rolls over to her back and gives a small smile. "That's a guarantee." When I frown she lightly slaps my side. "Don't worry, I'm sure I am, too. We're both heartless liars in his book."

"He didn't need to know. It was our business if we wanted to be together." I stand up from the bed and reach for my pants. I lock eyes with her while pulling them on. "Besides, I needed to be sure it's what you really wanted before I risked pissing off my best friend."

Elliot scoffs and sits up against her pillow. "Of course it's what I really wanted. You're the one who kept me away."

My eyes soften toward her. I don't want to fight about this. I'm still not even sure we should continue this after what happened last night. There's too much attention being drawn to us, and I'm not willing to risk her future over it. But then my heart steps in and prevents me from doing the right thing. I know what we're doing is wrong, but I can't stop myself. Not since I allowed her to get so inside my head. She feels like a part of me even more now, and I don't think I can give her up.

Elliot rolls her eyes and hops off the bed. I watch her shimmy into her yoga pants and consider texting Ollie that I'm sick. He'll never buy it, but a different organ is now doing the thinking for me.

She's still angry though, glaring over at me and crossing her arms. I walk over and place my hands on her elbows, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "I should've never done that. I love you. I've been in love with you for so long I don't even remember how it started." I tip her chin up with my finger. "I'm going to make this right. All of it."

She nods.

"I mean it, Elle. I'm going to be the guy you need. The one who makes you feel safe, the one you always have to rely on no matter what."

She smiles. "You really have no idea how much you already give me." She loops her arms around my neck, and her lips linger over mine. "You're everything I want."

I'm not sure how much I believe her, but I kiss her like I do. I kiss her like everything is right with the world, and I have the only thing that matters right here in my arms. Only one part of that thought is true. I'm still working on the other one.