tuesday 

1:13am

its the day after labor day

honestly i never bothered to look into what labor day is supposed to celebrate. and i still don't know lol

anyway that's not what i wanted to talk about. wow its already september? not even that, its almost a week into september. this is sucky. i am sucky. i think im trying to get better. at least not so mopey. a few days ago, dad suggested that i should take a vacation to the philippines with ate ang. i was interested but the more i think about it the more i psych myself out. i need to get a new passport. its reminding me about how to this day i never really tried to get my drivers license. sure i studied a little and talked about it but i never really did anything. 

i recently got out of a jury duty notice. i sent in a thing to postpone and an actual excuse that there would be transportation issues involving my lack of a drivers license and the fact that a bus trip from my college to court would be an unreasonable amount of time. which would be a true and reasonable excuse had i actually signed up for classes. im doing all this bad shit for what? like am i so unwell in the head that i'm thrill-seeking with my future? i know i could have so much going for me if i just tried. i want to try. i want to feel the need to try. it is so hard to not have a why.

i want to workout again and be happy with my body. i stumbled upon some weight loss journey youtube video the other day and it reignited some of my workout/fitness interest, and then i got to a video about keeping yourself accountable. videos like these always love to say something like "remember your 'why'" like everyone actually has a why. like fuck at this point why not to plaster it on a billboard that im just trying to get physically fit to satisfy and trick my wannarexic brain into thinking im happy. honestly, fuck science sometimes. the day i learned happiness is just some happy hormone could probably be attributed to my downfall in some way shape or form.

i saw some dumb tiktok about cancer signs having a victim complex and honestly i can see it. i don't quite know what a victim complex is but based off context clues and my idea of it i think i can relate. the belief that how you were raised and all this inner child stuff is really the nail in the coffin. is that the phrase? hits the nail in the head? ugh idk, you can probably guess what i mean. yeah the impact everything can potentially have on a young brain is terrifying like oh no you cussed a bit loud that one time now you traumatized them, fucked them up, and this is now their earliest core memories. like huhhhh?? like little things like that honestly convinces me that i have some sort of nature vs nurture victim complexes. this probably is coming off as pseudoscience bullcrap and paranoia naivete but whatever its making sense in my head right now.

my brain needs to slow down sometimes. i think i need to stop consuming so much short form content, or just content in general. its like i can never be satisfied. or i move on once i and moderately capable of something. like i have no desire to improve beyond that point. just one hobby and off to the next. crocheting, guitar, typing, games, sewing, tennis, jewelry making. all this shit and nothing is truly consistent, not event consistently inconsistent tasks/hobbies. i either got bored and made excuses, or realized just how mediocre i am, then got bored and insecure. mostly the latter tbh. just right now i am making so many typos bc i keep telling myself i can do better, but i know i just need to keep practicing properly and slow down for accuracy, but im not doing that. it just feels so hard to do whats good for you sometimes. or seemingly all the time in my case. 

how do people just get themselves to do things. people say dont think, just do, but how do you do without thinking. ik thats some kind of ur thinking to hard shit but genuinely how do people not think. i get so fucked up if just one bad thing happens. it doesn't even need to be bad, it just need to be unplanned or inconvenient or surprising or made me jealous or made me insecure or some other negative emotion, anxious, sad, idk and then its like i go bad downhill and into another cycle of depression. like getting that jury notice made me hyper focus on getting out or how i would have to do it and when i talked to ate kri about it after she was telling me that i was getting kinda worked up about it and all i could think was "oh. that's a normal reaction for me. normal people don't get so phased by this real adult stuff, do they?" it was honestly more embarassing than humbing. made me feel very pathetic and inept. 

i need to stop criticizing others. im so mean to ate ang. just like mom i would tell myself that i fear ending up like them, when the truth is that they are better than me and my prolonged impression was that they were dimwits. like ate ang doesnt get mad at me, like ever. her temper only shows up with people like mom. and shes good at giving gifts. shes so selfless in that regard. and mom is so hardworking and tolerable of dad being mean. she feeds us and cooks and cleans and tries to be a good person. sure theyre both annoying but at least they can show their love in their own ways. like what can i do? say i love you at night? and then what? ask about their day or how they have been lately? like that's all i do. and that's all im willing to do. im not even a great listener. i tell people i dont care. i push people away and im mean about it. i talk to ate ang like shes stupid. i talk to mom like shes slow. like what am i doing. its pathetic. 

i can talk about all the things i dont like about myself for probably days. and i can probably talk about how i hate that and how i dont want to hate even though thats life and how i hate life is like that even though i dont want to hate and on and on and on about nonsense like that that at the end of the day, week, month, year even, will really not be a factor in your success in the longrun. its all just trivial surface level philosophical questions that dont need to be answered or cant be answered. and then i still go. i know that sense is a matter of don't think, just do. and yet again i dont want to do yk. and i dont know why.

it is miserable being so indecisive and indifferent. its literally making my head hurt. or is that just the bright laptop screen? idk but i do know that i am both mentally and physically inflexible now due to prolonged periods of inactivity. 

i wish i had a wish. its too hard coming to terms with the fact that im just going to have to keep living.