Trumpets sound King Duncan, Lennox, Malcolm, Donny B., and their attendants enter.

Duncan

Did we yote the thane of Cawdor yet? Where are those rad head removers I assigned to take care of him?

Malcolm

They ain’t been here Daddy-o but one of my bros, who saw Cawdor die, and he says that Cawdor straight admitted his toxic ways and begged for forgiveness and apologized with all his heart. He didn’t ever do this when he was still breathing. He died like he’d been practicing this all his life.

Duncan

Man, reading people is hard. I trusted that dude all the way.

Mac B, Banquo, Ross, and Angus enter.

(To Mac B) Aaaaayyyyy! If it isn’t my best broseph! How spooky, I was feeling bad for not thanking you enough. You’ve really helped me out of a tight jam. I literally can’t thank you enough. I wish you didn’t do so much, that way I could actually pay you back! All I can do is say of you ever need anything, hit me up.

Mac B

Don’t worry my dude, I was just doing the right thing. You don’t need to repay me.

Duncan

Still, I made you thane of Cawdor to help your career, bro. And I’ll make sure you take full advantage of that. (To Banquo) Noble Banquo, you’ve earned all the same shizz as Macbestbro, and I will go viral with this shizznit. Come into my space brother, I’ll give you all the love you earned, full homo, my dude.

Banquo

That’s the way I like it my dude, when my number comes it’ll all be thanks to you.

Duncan

Dudes, I’m so proud of you, the eye water is coming. But anyway, Bros, Brosephs, Dudes and dudettes, I want all of y’all to see as I name Malcolm as best boi and future king daddy as he has earned through the value of sheer luck for being born first into an arbitrarily high socio economic status. As such, I name him Prince of Cucumberland. But I’ll give honors to everyone who deserves them like you Macbabyboo. And now let’s go sleepy bye in your castle at Inverness. I’m not far enough in your debt, lmfao.

Mac B

I’m not happy unless I’m serving beneath you Master. Just let me tell my wifey boo the great news. I’ll be on my way.

Duncan

Worthiest of brosephs, MacCawdor.

Mac B

(To himself) Malcolcm is now prince of Cucumber town! To become King daddy I gots to crawl over him or give up cause he’s tots in my way. Twinkle no more little stars, I’m so ashamed of the thoughts within me. I don’t want to look myself in the mirror for fear of what I know imma end up doing.

Mac B Exits.

Duncan

(To Banquo in the middle of a convo we haven’t heard)

You are so right! Macbaby is so Valiant! We literally can’t sing enough of his praises! I’ve got a wicked Man crush on this dude, he’s giving me a raging wild bro-ner.

Trumpets, they exit.