Act 1 Scene 3

(The witches enter.)

First Witch

Yo! Where you been?

Second witch

Slashin’ some swine.

Third witch

What about you?

First witch

This Sailor’s ho was snacking on some chestnuts so I was like “hit me up” an dis fat bitch called “Get away from me witch!” like all I did was randomly appear in your house and tell you to give me your food. Her man went off to Aleppo on a ship called the Tiger. I’m thinking I’ll sail there on a sewer grate, turn myself into a tailless rat and nibble on his cheese! (Cackles maniacally)

The other witches look at each other and nod.

Witch 2

I’ll give you some wind.

Witch 1

Thanks bro.

Witch 3

What she said (to the first witch about the second).

Witch 1

Awesome! I have control over the other winds, the ports, and the directions, I’ll pester him non stop for 81 weeks until he withers in agony. I might not kill him but I’ll make him suffer, till he begs for it. (Pauses) YO! Check this out.

Witch 2

Whatcha got?

Witch 1

I cut off this dudes thumb who drowned on his way home.

A drum sounds off stage.

Third witch

A sick nasty beat, a glorious bass drop! Macboi is here.

All

(Playing ring around the rosie) We, three weirdo’s hand in hand, travel over sea and land. Skip around and around, three times for yours and three for mine and three more till we get nine. (All fall down) Enough! The charm is ready.

Enter Mac B and Banquo.

Mac B

Dude, this weather is shit, but the day is so, uh, like not shit.

Banquo

I’m tired! How far do we have to walk? (Sees witches) What are these spooky bois? They look like skeletons or aliens. But here they are. (To witches, speaking very slowly, like to a child, and with exaggerated hand gestures.)

Are you alive? Can you answer questions? (Witches raise fingers to their lips, one is notably using her middle finger)

Banquo angry now Well, you seem to understand me, if not how to behave properly, someone didn’t get enough participation trophies as a child. (Understanding dawns on him) Oooh, how was your transition? You are all so brave.

MacB

Tell me what are you?

Banquo

(aside) You can’t just go around asking people that!

Witches all turn in unison.

Hail, Macbethany, Thane of Glamis!

Hail Macdaddy, Thane of Cawdor!

Hail, Macbaby, the future king!

Banquo

Hey Macbroseph, don’t let them spook you with their bad vibes, my dude. (To witches) Me next! Me next!

Witch 1

Fine.

Witch 2

Whatever.

Witch 3

If it’ll shut you up.

Witch 1

Not as good but better.

Witch 2

A lost penny and a found hundred dollars.

Witch 3

Your snot goblins will be king, but not you.

Mac B.

Hey, you can’t leave me hanging like this. I’m already thane of glamis because my daddy died, it was tragic (Sniffles). But thane of Cawdor is still kicking, and he’s an absolute unit. And I definitely can’t be king. Tell me who gave you this tea, Its so hot I think it's all steam, it definitely can’t be true.

The Witches vanish.

Banquo (Spinning once in a circle)

WTF (Note: he actually says WTF) was that about.

Mac B

They disappeared (He digs at the ground where they were standing) Come back here!

Banquo

Dude, that was some DANK kush. How high are we?

Mac B Still staring at the ground.

Your crotch gremlins will be king.

Banquo

Same wit you homeslice.

Mac B

And thane of Cawdor yeah?

Banquo

So I heard, who’s this Kyle?

Ross and Angus enter.

Ross

Your boi the king sent us when he heard how you rekked the battlefield, my dude. He heard your story and he was knocked speechless and when you boomed those pompous Norwegian betas. Our inbox was overflowing with DM’s raving about how hard you flexed.

Angus

The King sent us to PM you his thanks, he’s got more for you but take this (He hands him a crappy looking yellow star with the words Best Thane of Cawdor Handwritten on it, poor handwriting. Looks like it was made by a child in preschool).

Banquo

(shocked) No way dude, my boi Macbaby thane of Cawdor those madlads were right on the money, dude.

Mac B

But the Thane of Cawdor lives, surely there’s some mistake.

Angus

Cawdor was a traitor, he’s already on borrowed time. We don’t know if he joined Norway or aided those Neckbeards trying overthrow our baby King Dunny. But we proved his treason and he confessed.

Mac B

To himself) Oh yeah, it’s all coming together, first Glamis, now Cawdor, and if the rest is true this ain’t even my final form. (To Ross and Angus) Thanks my dudes for that wicked awesome news (To banquo) Hey, look at that, maybe your womb nuggets will be king after all. So far they’ve been right.

Banquo

Maybe, but who knows. If I were you, I wouldn’t put too much faith in it you know? It’s a little convenient. (To Ross and Angus) Hey, Ross and Beefy boi, give me your digits, I wanna have a little convo with you both.

Ross, Angus, and Banquo move to one side.

Mac B

(To himself) Looks like I’m jamming, I might be king, the raddest, most awesomest, powerful dude bro to live. (to ROSS and ANGUS) Thanks, my dudes (To himself) What could possibly go wrong with listening to three random supernatural entities, nothing comes to mind. But it doesn’t work out well any other time this happens. I’m getting more anxiety from my mind then from war. I must be depressed.

Banquo

Look at Macbro over there, he’s so confuzzled.

Mac B

(Aside) Eh, f it.

Banquo

Hey Macbaby, you good?

Mac B

Sorry Bros, I owe ya one, lets go visit the king daddy. (speaking only to Banquo) Hit me up later.

Banquo

Of course my dude.

Mac B

Until then let’s keep our tea (To others) Let’s bounce.

They exit.