Act 1 Scene 2

King Duncan enters with his sons Malcolm and Donny B, Lennox and a number of attendees. They meet a captain with a single cut across his face

Duncan

Who’s this messenger looking guy? Got any news, Messenger Dude?

Malcolm

Hey, I know you! You’re the rad dude bro who saved my ass from getting yeeted over to the enemy’s prison camps. You rock dude, my man here (indicates King Duncan) has got some serious FOMO, so give him the deets, dude.

Captain

Sure thing, dude. Here’s the piping hot tea you wanted, right? All on the floor here cause I’m about to spill it everywhere. (He and Malcolm chest bump). So before I got all these gnarly debilitating wounds (He gestures to the single small cut across his cheek, literally no other injuries.) I was watching the battle and for a while, nobody was getting anything other than a participation trophy, of course. (Malcolm nods) That uptight rebel MickyD had his foot soldiers and horseman, and he was just slaying everything, he was yeeting our troops left and right. Until he ate a sandwich, and that triggered our boi Macbro so hard, you know because his wife’s sister’s mother in law’s cousin’s best friend’s weird uncle had a gluten allergy so he knows all about it. And he went in just flexing on everybody so hard and he straight up tore this guy a new one for his intolerant ways and then split him right down the middle.

But when it rains it pours dude, so when we finally sent those Irish men crying to their mama’s, that Norwegian king came in with his woke AF troops.

Duncan

How did Macbaby and his Broseph, Banquo take it?

Captain

This got their blood pumping and then went in with all the energy of a Chad chugging twenty Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes.Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m pretty sure I’m dying.

Duncan

Of course, my dude. (The captain exits, limping and moaning pitifully. Ross and Angus enter) Who are these madlads?

Malcolm

Dude, he’s the thane of Ross.

Lennox

He looks straight wild, I bet he’s got the juiciest tea!

Ross (Bows)

My king.

Duncan

What’s the haps, Ross Baby?

Ross

My dude I was just up vacationing in Fife, where that oppressive Norwegian Flag flies dabbing on our entire country. And helped by that backstabbing thane of Cawdor, but Macbean came and destroyed that dude, what a Chad.

Duncan

You for real?

Ross

Yeah dude. Macbuddy flexed so hard the king wants to sign a treaty with you. But I was like, oh hell nah you ain’t even gonna bury your men till we gets our money and your ass is way back in Saint Colme’s inch.

Duncan

That’s right now let's go make Macbaby-o thane of Cawdor he’s earned that shizz.

Ross

(enthusiastically) I’m on it.