《Smitten With Him [Editing]》7. Coming Out
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Every sound subsided except for her voice. She and I were in a soundproof bubble. The temperature had suddenly dropped by about twenty degrees and I was getting goosebumps. Her teeth clenched but not in the way that showed she was angry but instead concerned.
Dude, are you gay?
Are you gay?
Gay.
Her voice echoed in my ears, just drumming in to my head. The one word began to get louder and louder.
Gay.
Is this what it's like coming out? It's frightening as hell. Your blood runs cold and you automatically just think coming out is the worst ever thing to do. Ever. You bring up all the reasons in your head of why you shouldn't. It really depends on how long you've been in the closet.
Think Zach. Think. You need to calm down.
I took a few breaths and closed my my eyes. Feeling calm once again.
Of course I'm gay, and I've been in the closet for so long I've overthought every minuscule detail, every bad thing that could ever happen to me if I do come out the closet.
I fear the consequences, such as not being accepted in our society. Gay marriage is legal in this country after all but that still doesn't change everyone's opinions. That's the thing, people have their own opinions, I respect that, just not when they use theirs against mine.
And I care about what people would think of me. I don't want to be frowned upon for my sexuality. Since I'm pretty high up the the school's student hierarchy, I care about what people think of me a little too much. I'll be downgraded just as fast as Usain Bolt running a kilometre.
What if my whole family fall apart because of me? I've only just started getting close to Liam again.
What if I wasn't accepted by my parents? They're pretty old school and have strong beliefs though they're not very religious.
It happens. People get thrown out of their own home just for being different. The thing is, we're no more different than straight people.
If Molly figured it out by herself then wouldn't other people be able to figure it out eventually?
Its only her asking, I could always lie.
"Why would you say that?" I asked her. There, I didn't admit nor deny it.
I needed to tell someone though. At least one person. Besides, Molly would be leaving in a weeks time. Could she keep a secret?
"Come on man, it all adds up now. You're together with Jace and you're angry because you think Dixon will steal your boyfriend." She laughed as if she knew everything. "Don't worry, he's Jace's cousin."
How was she acting so cooly about this? Surely, if she knew I was gay, she'd freak. What would her parents think about this? They're just a bunch of rich snobs.
"No. I'm not gay." Deny deny deny.
"Would it help if I told you I was in the closet too? Zach, I've always had a feeling you were gay. Just admit it."
Would it help if I told you I was in the closet too? The words echoed in my head.
"Molly, you're a lesbian?"
"Yes, and you're gay."
Oh wow. I so called it. Trisha had told me she acted depressed and she wouldn't talk to anybody. I went through that same stage. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
"I'm gay, yes but I'm not together with Jace nor am I thinking that Dixon will steal him."
Wow, that felt so good. At least now, Molly can't tell anyone my secret because I have her secret. It's a win-win.
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"Who else knows that you're... Lesbian?" I asked. "And how did you guess about me being you know... Gay?"
"My best friend knows and now you." She grinned. "and Trisha told me you've stopped having girlfriends and you stare at shirtless guys like you want to jump them right then and there."
I blushed. Do I seriously stare like a rapist? "But you said you've always had a feeling about me."
"Yeah. At the New Years party, you didn't join in or check out any girls there. Liam was all over it; commenting on legs, boobs, everything."
I nodded. It was true, I didn't do much at the party other than talk to my guy friends and play Never Have I Ever. I haven't done many things so I didn't get drunk.
"I think you should tell Trisha about your sexuality." I advised, "she's your twin after all and your only sister."
"I think you should tell Liam about your sexuality." She mimicked, "he's your only brother."
"Liam cares about his reputation more than me. If he knows my sexuality, and other people find out, his reputation and I would both die." I laughed. "I'm sure Trisha cares more about you than anything else. The way I see it, she looks up to you."
She thought for a minute, then, as if a light bulb had flashed above her head, she grinned. "We could come out together- just to our family though."
It wasn't a bad idea. We were both in the same boat.
"Alright, when?"
"How about tomorrow? That way, we'll both still have eachother in the house for support if our families decide to drag us six feet under."
"Tomorrow it is. We'll come out together."
She looked up at me from her 5'5 form, eyes twinkling and then she did the one thing I hate.
She hugged me but I didn't pull away. I felt like Molly and I had kind of a connection. It's weird, but true. She was the ultimate pick-me-up at the moment, she understood me.
I woke up, the sunlight blinding me straight away.
I closed my eyelids abruptly and tuned the opposite way and opened then again, seeing Trisha a mere two inches from my face. It reminded me that Liam and I hadn't done any pranks yet.
I sluggishly grabbed my phone from the bedside table that was cluttered with wires and books and snapped a quick picture of a sleeping Trisha. Her nose looked much like a pig's because her arm was tucked under her head and in the process, her arm pulled up her nose.
I groaned and sat up on the bed. The barbecue was a blast, I ate so many burgers and played video games with Jace and Dixon two hours straight.
I yawned and walked to the bathroom and washed my face. Just as I pulled the towel away from my face, I saw Molly's reflection in the mirror, smiling. Honestly, I got scared shitless. It was like in those horror films where the mirror door closes and standing behind the victim is a mass murderer carrying a gun and wearing a creepy grin.
"Woah- can you not fucking do that again. It's way too fucking early and now I'm using too many fucking fuckings." I groaned.
"Well somebody is on their man period gosh." She walked to the sink and pulled her hair back in to a messy bun. "Today's the day."
"Yes it is."
I walked out the bathroom and heard the sound of a lock click behind me. I dragged myself downstairs and walked to the kitchen, slumping myself down on at the breakfast bar.
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"I'm exhausted." I groaned to my mom, who gave me a bowl filled with warm milk and Coco Pops.
I mindlessly poured Coco Pops into my bowl full of milk and grabbed a spoon. "I don't wanna go school. Don't make me go, please."
My mum chuckled as she sat down on the stood next to me and sipped her coffee. "You think I'm going to write you an ill slip?"
"No."
"Good, I wasn't going to. Now hurry, you'll be late."
I ate the rest of my cereal and caught Liam on the stairs. He had just woken up and was now going down to eat his breakfast. I flipped my phone open and went to my photos and showed him the picture of Trisha sleeping. He chuckled quietly and went down the rest of the stairs. Molly followed behind him, looking wide awake. She was coming from upstairs because she now slept in Liam's room after complaining to my mom and thinking it was unfair Trisha was allowed to sleep with me.
I'm pretty glad that I wasn't the one sleeping with Liam. He uses ever inch of the bed and sometimes snores. He also sometimes has his girlfriend over and they frickle frackle, do the dirty, whatever you call it. If he isn't with his girlfriend, then he's on the phone to her all night.
He is whipped. He just doesn't admit it but then again, who would?
I sluggishly showered and changed and touched up my hair which was near to impossible to tame. In the end, it sat on top of my head without being combed or gelled.
Why was I so exhausted? I got home around half twelve.
I waited by the the front door for Liam who came downstairs putting on his shirt and bag.
"We haven't pranked the twins yet. Have we?" I smirked to him as we drove out of our street.
"Nope. I think I've got an idea though, using that picture of Trisha." He smirked.
"Like what, stick posters of it around town?" I said saractically. He just frowned and said something like 'it's not a bad idea'.
It is a bad idea. Our prank has to be witty, unexpected and hilarous.
We parked in the student car park and as usual, Liam went off to find Naomi and I walked through the coridoors to reach my locker.
I put the combination of my locker in and opened the tiny red door that opened up to a tiny space that could barely fit anything.
I replaced the book I had in my backpack with the ones I needed today and slammed the locker shut. Jace was walking with some people from the prom committee up to my locker.
"There's a meeting afterschool in room 54." Jace said.
I nodded and started to walk to my first class, Jace walking closely next to me. The rest of his group went their own ways.
"You had an awesome barbecue. Are you not tired, I'm so exhausted." I said and yawned right after.
"Kinda. At my house, lights out is at quarter to ten, remember? I need my nine hour sleep.
I recalled the night I was on the phone to him and he was told to put his phone away at around ten to ten.
"Awh," I cooed, "Jace has a bedtime."
He frowned and punched my shoulder and I punched his back, twice as hard, he didn't seem as affected and I guessed my punch didn't affect him that much.
My face contorted into a poker face as I walked through my first class and sat down in my designated seat, Jace sitting directly behind me on the next row.
The whole lesson just dragged on, as did the day. Lunchtime rolled around and I felt lonely walking to the lunch hall alone, usually I would have a group of friends- Liam's friends.
The rest of the day went a little quicker mainly because Jace was in those lessons and we just messed around- well I messed around in physics and Jace told me off for not taking notes and gave me a lecture about how physics is the key to life and it's an important subject and how I'll fail and be miserable if I don't buck up.
He got so deep into the conversation that I kind of zoned him out.
We headed over to the coffee shop together after the boring prom meeting. The first thing I saw when I was looking for a seat was a lesbian couple and I felt a familiar pang in my chest. It was jealously. They were so openly together and nobody in the coffee shop showed any signs of disgust but then again, they have their own lives to deal with and nobody else's.
Just as we found a table, Calvin and Oliver walked in to the coffee shop, laughing and then their eyes found mine and they walked over to our table.
I greeted them, fist bumped them and introduced Jace. They looked at him as if he was a puzzle to be pieced together, as if he was alien to them. It occurred to me they were looking at Jace in confusion. I wouldn't blame them, I didn't know who Jace was until we were set up together for tuition.
Oliver looked at Jace longer then Calvin did, scrutinizing every detail of his face. He was thinking deeply and I wondered what it was about. Jace kind of shrunk in his seat, not wanting to be stared at.
"Jace Chapman." Oliver finally said. "We were in year four together."
Jace just looked to Oliver, trying to figure him out but to no avail. Jace sighed and told Oliver he couldn't remember him to which Oliver replied something about being unrecognizable to a lot of people anyway.
Calvin averted his attention to the lesbian couple and grimaced and frowned before turning his attention back to us. I cocked an eyebrow, I hope he didn't see me see him.
We finished our drinks and I went home by bus. Jace offered to give me a lift but I said no. He was getting pretty cozy with Oliver and I didn't want to interfere.
I thought about what will happen when I get home and come out to my family. I feel it's time and I don't want to hide who I am- especially to my closest family. I feel like I'm lying to them but technically, I'm not lying but instead, not saying anything at all.
The bus came to a halt a street away from my house and I walked the rest of the way. It was early March and it seemed to be oddly cold. The ground beneath me what wet, indicating it had rained. As my feet slapped against the ground and into shallow puddles, I thought about Molly. Yeah, something I don't do often. Nobody would've thought she would be lesbian and I can't believe she didn't even tell her other half the secret but then again Liam comes close to my other half so I'm just being hypocritical.
I walked up to the familiar navy blue door. In one quick movement, I stuck the key in the keyhole and opened the door.
I threw my bag down on the hallway floor and kicked my shoes off before taking my jacket off and hanging it up.
Mom greeted me in the kitchen, where I, as usual, grabbed a snack and this time it was a flapjack. Mom as usual, told me off and said I'd get fat eating junk but she's the one who buys it.
Molly walked in to the kitchen, glancing at me and giving me the indication that she's ready for our little confession then she glanced at my mom, who looked oblivious to it all as she chopped up carrot sticks.
I took a deep breath before saying, "mum, can I talk to you in the living room?"
She stopped her chopping rather abruptly and looked at me with concerning eyes then she wiped her hands on her jeans and nodded.
"Mol can you go get everyone else?" I smiled and she frowned because she had to upstairs to get Liam and Trish. Aunt Stacy, Uncle Frank and dad were already sat in the living room.
I leaned against the wall and soon, everyone else came down the stares sharing matching looks of confusion.
Molly switched the tv off and waited for everyone to settle down. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking. Molly, as if sensing my discomfort held my hand and squeezed it reassuringly.
I cleared my throat and started to speak. "This is probably really weird for you but it has to be done."
"Yeah, we kind of need to tell you something. It feels like we have to tell you and whether you like us or not after that shows who you really are." Molly said.
I looked to Molly and nodded and I came round out and said it.
"I'm gay."
"I'm lesbian."
The air was thick with tension, I felt relieved yet scared for what was to come. The room was quiet for a few moments but then Liam shattered it. "Well shit." He got up and went to his bedroom, not even sparing me a glance.
Mum was the second to stand up, she trudged dad along too. She stood In front of Molly and I and looked at us both... Smiling?
She held me in a tight embrace and kissed my cheek over and over again muttering something about loving me for me and not for my sexuality. Dad was next and he patted my back reassuringly.
They stood to the side and I watched Molly tremble because none of her family were reacting but then Trisha stood up, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Why didn't to you tell me? Molly we tell each other everything."
"I was scared." She replied, tears also filling her eyes. They hugged and I was pretty ecstatic at how accepting everyone was being, that is until Aunt Stacy stood up.
"Molly are you sure? I understand around this age you're just confused and-"
"Mom I've never been so sure of anything else ever."
She replied with an 'OK' and gave Molly an awkward hug. I could tell that Aunt Stacy was trying to be accepting because Molly was her daughter but there was a powerful hold on her that didn't like Molly because she was different. I guess it was really a fake act all together.
Uncle Frank was the last to get up, groaning at his aching back before walking over to Molly and I. He hugged her, seeming more accepting than his wife. He muttered something that sounded very similar to what my mom said before letting go of the embrace and giving her a reassuring smile.
Soon, everyone dispersed and left to their own devices and it was only Molly and I standing in the living room.
"Sorry about your brother." She muttered.
"It's fine. It's a shock for everyone. Liam's always wanted me to be like him, hell, everyone wanted me to be like him. Girls, drinking, sex and cars."
"I'm sure he'll come around. Maybe you should talk to him."
"If I wanted to get punched I will but I don't want to get punched so I'll have to decline that offer."
She laughed and jumped on to the sofa and put on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
I rolled my eyes and left to go to my room where I spent the rest of the day.
I wondered what was going on in Liam's head next door.
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