12/06: but this is you, after all.

this is not okay.

i am unable to look at you without feeling like i just got punched in the gut because you take my breath away and do you even know how difficult it is to rip my eyes away from yours? i keep allowing myself to get lost in those orbs and to this day i still haven't found an escape hatch—

but this is you, after all.

you see, i crave your presence more than i am itching to again touch

a stick of nicotine between my lips

a glass alcohol by my fingertips

or the wall with my fists—

and the frustration is killing me because i just want to kiss you but

i want to not want to anymore

and i want to not want you anymore

because someone is here waiting for me but i can't want her because all that i desire is

you—

but this is you, after all.

this is you, with your heart-fluttering smiles and stupid jokes and your hypnotizing gaze,

and this is you with your warm touches that feel like hot chocolate on a christmas evening and cold showers on a summer morning and naps on a Sunday afternoon,

and this is you with your dimples as deep as your mind and grin as warm as your words and eyes as genuine as you heart—

and i think i might love you.

but this is you, after all.

you who isn't mine.

you who is his.

you who is taken.

i don't want to want you anymore.

it hurts too much.