12/06: exhausted.

i need to keep writing.

i absolutely need to.

i need to set the words free through the pads of my thumbs because if i keep them in any longer, my heart will give out and so will the tears and it hurts me so much and i don't know how much heartache one can keep between her lungs but i'm sure mine has been way past the limit.

but there's a barrier between my heart and my brain that keeps my words from forming and it's so overwhelming because my heart is screaming in pain while my brain activity is off the charts and i can't even think about form and meter right now because all i'm feeling is yours and not mine and is it too much to ask for a lifetime with you?

i just want to be with you. i never thought that it was possible to feel so much desire and heartache and desperation at once, but here i am itching to call you and see you and be with you and i don't want this anymore.

isn't it amazing how creative we get when our hearts are broken?

see, i'm a left brainer. i'm great at math and test taking and memorization. writing is not what i do. solving equations is what i do. perfecting exams is what i do. memorizing is what i do.

not this.

not feeling and writing and expressing feelings. i'm a dean's lister. i'm a merit scholar. i'm a law student. i'm supposed to be stone cold and unfeeling and grey.

you see, i'm writing again. i'm picking up my guitar again. i'm setting up a canvas again. things are colored again.

you make me feel things i don't want to feel anymore. please, make me numb. bring me back to when i was a machine that spat out numbers and equations and unnecessarily complicated terms.

teach me how to unlove you because i'd rather feel nothing than feel everything to the brink of insanity.

it hurts.

love is not supposed to hurt... right?