I glance at my phone ringing next to me.

It's the fourth time Josh calls me since we kissed two weeks ago. I can't bring myself to answer him. I don't know what to say. It scares me to even think about it. I wish I could be angry at him for kissing me but I'm not. In fact, that kiss has been what I've thought about in the past two weeks. I don't know what it is about kissing Josh that makes it so unforgettable. I thought about the first time he kissed me for eight years and now I have this kiss-this forbidden kiss-to think about from now on. I'm trying my best to deny the fact that I liked his kiss more than I should.

I shouldn't like the way his lips felt against mine. Or the tingles his touch sent all over my body. I still feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I relieve that kiss in my head. This one was different from the first one. I was surprised when he kissed me eight years ago. Somehow, I knew he was going to kiss me this second time. Or maybe I hoped. My subconscious hoped he would. I feel like shit thinking about this. It's not right. I don't need a genius to tell me that this is wrong. I know I shouldn't like kissing Josh. I shouldn't even be thinking about him. Brad and I are over but Josh is still Brad's brother. It's wrong. That's why I haven't been answering the phone. It's the right thing to do. It's the ethical thing to do. I'm not a teenager. I shouldn't be doing things I know are wrong.

The only problem is that my brain is not getting the memo. I can't stop thinking about him. It's like when I read a really good book-so good, I finish it on the same day-and I can't stop thinking about it for days after I'm finished with it. It's ridiculous, really. I mean it was just a kiss. I shouldn't even be kissing anyone right now. Not after my engagement ended. Not after an eight year relationship. And even if I were kissing someone, it most definitely should not be my ex's brother.

My phone stops ringing and I hate that I feel disappointment flow through me.

I glare at the TV in front of me as I try not to think about it. My roommate, Cassie, left about an hour ago. It's Friday and she always spends her weekends with her boyfriend so I know she won't be back until Sunday night. Sometimes I wonder why they don't just move in together. I haven't asked her because I don't want her to think I want her to move out. I don't. She moved in about five months ago when my last roommate moved back with her parents. Cassie and I are rarely ever home at the same time. I feel that we would become good friends if we actually spent time together. How ironic that now that I don't have a boyfriend, I realize that I don't have any friends.

I didn't really bother to keep any friends from high school or college. People are so fake now-a-days, you don't know who your real friends are. I never minded because I had Brad but now I find myself yearning to talk to someone. I've never missed Savannah more than I miss her right now. Mom had brought up the subject of me moving back to Newport again. Before Brad and I got engaged, she would bring it up a lot. I always told her my life was here because up to a month ago, my life really was here. Now...I'm actually thinking about moving back to Newport. I could live with Savannah. She owns a condo. My little sister has accomplished more than I have in that department.

The only thing that stops me from packing up my bags right now is my job. I like my job. It's stable and I get paid decently. I work for an insurance company. I basically sit in front of two computers and process applications all day. It was hard back when I was new but I've been doing this for three years now. I'm good at it and I like working on my own. I know it would be hard to find this stability anywhere else. It's the only string tying me to Portland right now but it's getting thinner by the day.

There's suddenly a soft knock on the door and my body immediately freezes. I wait in silence. My heart is beating hard against my chest at the possibility of Josh being behind that door. Who else could it be? I hope it's not Brad. He texted me the day after I left the ring with Josh but I didn't respond. There's another knock.

I stand up and walk to the door quietly then peek through the peephole. It's Josh. I gulp then reach over and unlock the door. He looks startled when I open it. I don't know why. He's the one that knocked. He's wearing khaki pants with a navy blue shirt tucked in and black boots. I look at him and can't help but compare him to Brad then I force those thoughts out of my head.

His brown eyes meet mine. "Hey."

"Hey," I say quietly.

"You haven't been answering my calls." He states. He doesn't sound angry. He sounds sad which is even worse.

I bite my lip and lower my gaze in shame. "I know."

"I'm really sorry, Natalie," he says. "I-" he hesitates and I look up at him. He looks troubled. "I shouldn't have kissed you eight years ago and I shouldn't have kissed you the other day. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

I shake my head. "It's not all your fault. I-didn't exactly push you away."

"Still. I knew it was wrong," he says with a small shrug. "I knew it was wrong to kiss you. I knew it was wrong to like you...that's why I had to leave."

I look at him. "What are you talking about?"

He looks away then looks back at me. "It doesn't even matter. The way I feel about you-it's not your fault."

I take a step forward. "Josh-what do you mean?"

"What I mean, Natalie, is that I left eight years ago to forget you. Now I come back and I-" he shakes his head. "You know, I had every intention of coming here today to offer you my friendship. I don't want to lose you as a friend again but...now I realize that I can't be around you as just friends."

We look at each other for a moment. I'm trying to process what he is saying but all I can think about is how handsome he is. I love his full lips. His broad, muscular shoulders. His hands...I want them on me. I don't know when I became so attracted to him. Was it the other day when he looked at me with lust? Or was it eight years ago when he kissed me for the first time? Or is it right now after he said what he just said?

The sound of my phone ringing inside the apartment interrupts our staring contest.

"I'm sorry-" I say as I glance to my phone on the couch.

"Don't worry about it. I'll-" he turns his head, down the hall.

"Please don't leave," I say. "Just give me a second. Come on in."

He steps into the apartment while I walk to the couch and grab my phone. I'm looking at Josh as I answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Nat, it's Gunner."

"Hey, Gunner." I greet and Josh looks at me at the sound of his name. We both know what this is about. "What's up?"

"More like what's down." He chuckles and I know he's had a few drinks. "Brad is currently singing his heart out to karaoke over at Pop's. Sorry. I didn't know who else to call."

"It's alright. I'll be on my way, okay? Be there soon. Don't let him leave."

"Alright, Nat."

"Is it Brad?" Josh asks after I hang up.

I nod. "Yeah. Gunner always calls me when he's too drunk to drive."

Josh studies me. "You know he's not your responsibility anymore right?"

I shrug. "Honestly, I don't mind at all. I'd rather go than him getting behind the wheel."

"That's kind of you," Josh half smiles. "I can go get him."

"Are you sure?"

"He's my brother," he says. "Plus I'm living with him so."

"I didn't know you were staying with him."

He nods. "Yeah. I didn't want to move back in with my parents so I took Brad's spare room." He pauses. "Do you live with anyone?"

"I do, yes. I have a roommate. Cassie. She's rarely ever here, to be honest."

"How are you parents by the way?" He asks. "How's Savannah?"

"Good. They moved to Newport a few years ago."

"Yeah, my mother mentioned it a while back. Your parents own a hotel over there, right?"

"An inn." I smile. "Yeah. It's really amazing, it's right in front of the beach. I love going over there."

His eyes soften. "You go there often?"

"Every Sunday." I laugh sheepishly. "Mostly to keep myself sane."

He smiles. "I'd love to see it."

"You would love it."

I wonder if it would be wrong to invite him this Sunday. Why would it? We're friends. My family knows that...except Josh and I haven't really been friends in a really long time.

I realize that I can't be around you as just friends.

His words repeat in my head over and over again. What exactly did he mean when he said that? He told me he liked me back when we were in high school...does he still like me? I know he does to an extent. You don't kiss people you don't like. I know I wouldn't have let him kiss me if part of me didn't like him...even if I don't even know when it happened.

He pulls out his keys and clutches them in his hand. "Well, I better go."

"Are you-" I look at him. "Are you going to tell Brad you were here?" I hate asking him that but I have to know.

"Should I not?" He asks with a frown.

"I don't know."

He takes a step forward and my body tenses at his sudden closeness. "I'll tell him you called me."

I nod. "Okay."

I hold his gaze. There's a moment of silence between us. I don't want to him leave like this. We didn't really finish our conversation. I feel like the moment he walks out of the apartment, we won't ever talk again, for real this time. I don't know what's going on with my feelings for Josh but I know one thing for sure and that is that I want him in my life.

"Hey Josh?" I ask quietly.

"Yes?" He asks curiously.

"Any chance I can negotiate keeping you around?" I try to smile to seem like I'm teasing but I'm really not. If it were any other person, I would be worrying about this question coming out wrong but Josh is not any other person. He knows what I mean.

"Natalie," he says my name slowly. Tasting each syllable as if it were the first time he was saying it. His right hand goes to the crook of my neck and he strokes my cheek with his thumb gently sending goosebumps over my body. "I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to say it." His voice is low as he speaks. "I don't know why but every time I'm around you, all I want to do is grab you and kiss you." His eyes look down my lips for a moment. He clenches his jaw and then he begins to lean in.

"Josh." I whisper regretfully, making him freeze.

"I'm sorry," he says dropping my hand and taking a step back. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you. I just-" I purse my lips, suddenly feeling very embarrassed about what I'm about to say. I can feel his gaze on me while I try to get the courage to look up at him. When I do, his eyes are intense. "Every time you kiss me, it-it leaves me wanting more. That's wrong. You know that right?"

He nods once. "Yes, I do."

We don't say anything but I know we're both thinking about Brad. His brother. This is easily a form of betrayal. It sure feels like it. It's not right for me to feel whatever the hell I'm feeling for Josh and it's not right for him to reciprocate that either. He's Brad's brother. He always will be. And I'm Brad's ex. I always will be. There's some kind of rule out there that we would be breaking if we give into this. People will get hurt. I know the right thing to do is to stay away and I know that Josh knows it too by the look of anger and sadness that he's giving me.

"I better go," he says in a low voice then he turns around and walks out.

I stand there for a moment, fighting back the tears. Josh did the right thing by walking out. I know he did. Why does doing the right thing have to hurt so much? No wonder people break the rules all the damn time.