I go to work Monday morning wanting to be anywhere else but at work. The only reason I go is because my job requires little to no human interaction at all. It's literally just us in our cubicles sitting in front of two computers and processing work in silence. Most of us listen to music. I love it really, especially on days like today when all I wanted was to stay in bed and not talk to anyone.

I couldn't stop thinking about Josh all weekend. It's all I did and I hated myself for it. I really don't know what is going on with me. Since when was I so attracted to Josh? The crush I had on him in high school is nothing compared to this. This is something more. Something I can't control and it's driving me crazy. I keep thinking about how things would be different if Josh hadn't come back. I would probably be mopping all day about Brad as I should be instead of thinking about his brother. I'm such a horrible person.

Mom calls me during lunch. I don't really feel like talking but I always feel guilty about not answering her calls. I also don't want to answer because I know what she is calling about.

"You didn't come yesterday, Natalie, is everything alright?" She asks after the greeting.

"I'm fine, mom, I just had a late night on Saturday and was too tired to drive over the next day." Not entirely a lie.

"Well, you better make it this weekend. You know we have the cookout with the Andrews," she says in Spanish. English is her second language so most of the time when I speak with her, she speaks Spanish so most of our conversations end up in Spanglish.

I frown. "I don't really want to go to that, Mom."

Every two or three months, Louisa and Clint, along with my parents, plan a cookout over in Newport. We've been doing those for years. It's basically a way for all of us to just disconnect from the world and spend a night out in the beach next to a campfire. I'm not going to lie. They're the best thing ever but now that Brad and I broke up...well it's different. Plus add whatever is happening between Josh and I to the mix and...I can't imagine myself in a room with both of them in it. I wouldn't know how to act.

"Natalie, we've had this planned for weeks. You know it's a family gathering. Savannah will be there. We're all going to be there. It'll be fun."

I do feel a bit better that Savannah is going to be there. Maybe I can convince her to go to her apartment or something. I don't want to seem rude to Louisa or Clint. Plus Brad probably won't go. I sigh so Mom knows I'm not happy about this. "Lo voy a pensar, okay? I'll think about it."

"I'll make your favorite enchiladas," Mom says and I can almost see the smile on her face.

I can't help but smile. "Okay, Mom. I gotta go back to work now."

"Alright, honey. Take care of yourself and call me if you need anything."

"Okay, Mom. Love you, bye."

Great. Now I have that to worry about until Friday. It really sucks that it has to be this way. My family and the Andrews have always been close. I hope Brad and I can find some form of common ground to be able to hang out during these type of family things. My parents and Brad's have always been friends and I don't expect them to stop. I wouldn't ask that of them. It's not their fault Brad and I broke up. My problems are not their problems. I know I'm an adult. I need to act like one.

I spend the rest of the week trying to get back to my routine. Work. Home. Work. Home. Without a boyfriend, I am left with all of this time and I have no idea what to do with myself. I try to remember about what I wanted when I was younger. I think I wanted to be a teacher at some point. And then a doctor. That was until I grew up and realized how small a teacher's salary was and how incredibly long and expensive it takes to become a doctor. That was when I settled with any degree. I ended up with a Bachelor's in English because I couldn't make up my mind. I just wanted a degree by the time I got to my senior year.

My degree has helped me get this job that I enjoy most of the time. But it's only been a few weeks since Brad and I broke up and I'm already bored out of my mind. It's sort of sad that I don't have any friends to hang out with or hobbies to do during my free time.

The worst part is that I can't get Josh out of my head. I miss him. And I miss Brad. There are so many things wrong with this.

On Thursday, I decide I want to make myself feel worse by going through my things from high school. I'm one of those people that likes to keep things to remember a certain time of my life. I have notes from high school and even some of the little cards we used to give each other for Valentine's day back in middle school. I used to have much more junk but my mom made me clean out when I moved into the dorms for college. Now I just have a box with things I decided I couldn't throw away. I have many of my report cards from junior and senior year. I have no idea why I would want to keep them. Maybe to show how good of a student I was to my kids one day. I find a lot of notes Josh and I used to pass around in class back in freshman and sophomore year. Back when we didn't have phones and texting wasn't a thing.

I'm in the middle of going through pictures when I look up at the TV and something gets my eye. I reach for the remote and turn up the volume. The local news are on at their usual time at 9 p.m. They are showing live video from a helicopter of a building surrounded by police cars and ambulances. I don't recognize the building, I have no idea where that is, but what catches my eye is the caption, "FOUR FIREFIGHTERS INJURED IN EXPLOSION."

"...the firefighters have been rushed to the hospital," the reporter on the TV is saying. "...their conditions are still unknown..."

I sit there for a moment without moving. It could be any fire station. It could be anyone. I know that. Without thinking, I reach for my phone and call Josh. He doesn't answer.

I keep staring at the TV screen. I just need to know he's okay...that they're both okay. I call him again. I know he probably just left his phone in his locker. I don't think they carry it with them when they're out answering calls. My heart is beating hard against my chest. This has always been the scariest part about caring about someone who risks their lives everyday. Brad was hurt about a year and a half ago from a fall. He was okay. It wasn't anything serious but I still remember that call in the middle of the night. It makes the world stop.

I don't usually watch the news for the same reason. I had been watching a movie and didn't even realize that it had ended.

I begin to put all the stuff back in the box. I just stash it all in suddenly not wanting to look at any of it. Then I put the box back in the closet. I sit on the edge of the bed and wait. According to the news, they don't know what caused the explosion. They mentioned it was a battery storage. The location is within the fire station's radius and that just makes me more nervous.

I consider calling the station but what would I say? I have no valid relationship with anyone to explain my call. Then I think about calling Brad. I don't want to give him the wrong message but this is above everything. I just want to know he and Josh and their father are okay.

I'm about to call him when my phone begins to vibrate. It's Josh's number.

"Hello?" I answer a bit breathless. I really need to get a grip.

"Hello? Natalie?"

Hearing his voice sends relief through my body. He sounds breathless himself and there is a lot of background noise. I realize he must still be on the scene.

"Josh, hi," I say suddenly nervous. I begin to pace around the room, feeling like a teenager.

"Are you alright?" He asks.

"Y-Yeah." I answer then shake my head, sheepishly. "I'm sorry to call you. I was just watching the news about the explosion and-" I stop pacing and shut my eyes wishing the earth would swallow me right here, right now this second. "-I just wanted to know that you were okay." I let it out in a breath. "And Brad." I add after a pause.

"You were worried about me?" He asks. The noise in the background has diminished a bit. I wonder if he moved to another place.

"Of course I was," I say opening my eyes. "And Brad and your dad."

"Right," He says. "We're all okay. We're still here. Some of ours got hurt but we're hoping it's nothing life threatening."

I sigh in relief. "Okay. Good. I'm very glad to hear that."

There's a moment of silence. It makes me want to dig a deeper hole into the ground.

"I'm so sorry for calling," I finally say. "I'm actually really embarrassed."

Josh chuckles. "Don't be. Thank you for worrying about us."

"Of course." I bite my lip. "I'll let you go then. Sorry again for the call."

"You can call me anytime you want, Natalie. It's always nice to hear your voice."

I don't know what to say and before I say something to embarrass myself even more, he speaks again.

"Sorry, I gotta go. The guys need my help."

"Oh, yeah of course. Be careful."

"I will."

I smile because I can almost see him smiling. I hang up without saying anything else and take a deep breath. I feel relieved. Josh is okay. Brad is okay. They're all okay. Every time something like this happens, I always think about Louisa. I can't imagine the worry she must go through every night her husband and sons walk out the door to go to work.

That night, as I try to fall asleep, I think about how good it feels to talk to Josh. I didn't realize how much I missed him all week until tonight when I heard his voice. He told me he couldn't be just friends with me and I wish things were different so we could be in each other's lives again. Then again, I know he's trying to do the right thing. He's being honest. I need to be honest with myself and accept the fact that I can't be just friends with him either. There is something that turns on inside of me whenever I'm near him. My body feels his presence. It's like a spark within me that begins to glow a bit more every time I spend time with him. It's a spark right now but it could easily turn into a fire. Fire destroys things. I need to turn this spark off before it turns into a fire and the way to do that is to stay away from Josh.

At the same time, I wonder if it's even worth fighting against this. What's the worst that could happen in giving into this? It could break Josh's relationship with Brad. It could break his relationship with his parents if they see us being together as inappropriate. It could also break my parents friendship with Louisa and Clint. I know my mom well enough to know that she wouldn't exactly jump with joy if I came to her and told her I was now with Josh. So many relationships could be broken. There are so many things at stake.

Maybe if enough time passed...

I don't even know what I would want with Josh anyway or what he wants with me. Do we want a serious relationship? Or just mess around? Maybe all we have is attraction and that is not enough to make all of this worth it.

I know it's wrong but I think about what would happen if I didn't care so much about hurting the people I care about. I pretend it's just Josh and I and we don't have any reason to not give into whatever this is.

I'm pretty sure I fall asleep with a smile on my face.