I look at the fire station across the street from my car, wishing I didn't have to do this.

It's Monday evening and I came over to the fire station to return the ring to Brad which Savannah made me swear I would do. As if I would want to keep it. What I knew was gonna happen, happened. Savannah dislikes Brad now. I don't want to say hate because that's such a a strong word, though that's the word she used last night.

"That asshole. I hate him," she said after I had told her what happened.

"No you don't." I told her.

"Yes, I do. And you should too. Why are you not fuming with anger right now?"

"I don't know, Sav. I'm more disappointed than angry, to be honest."

It's true. The disappointment hurts more than anything. Though Savannah doesn't know that I don't blame Brad as harsh as I should because of the fact that I did kiss his brother back in high school. I've never told that to anyone. Not even Savannah. I've always felt like speaking about it with someone will make it real and would therefore make me feel even worse. I don't think I'll ever not feel guilty about it.

I take a deep breath then finally get out of the car. I pull my jacket closer to me as I cross my arms on my chest and cross the street. It's a chilly night. The fire station seems pretty quiet. There are two long fire trucks parked outside, ready to go. There are also a few white ambulance trucks. I've come here numerous times before. Sometimes during lunch to have lunch with Brad or to spend some time with him whenever I missed him. Firefighters have long shifts. They work for ten to twelve hours for four days or twenty-four hour shifts which is what Brad usually does.

I've always admired the Andrews for what they do, especially Brad's dad, Clint, who's been doing this for over twenty years. Not everyone is willing to risk their lives for others. I've always had a sense of pride in telling people that my boyfriend is a firefighter. Of course, that's over now but I'll always admire Brad and Josh and all the other firefighters or people that hold sacrificing jobs like that.

I cross the street and make my way into the building through the main entrance. Oliver is on desk duty today and he smiles when he sees me. "Oh, hey, Natalie. How are you?"

"Hey, I'm good thank you. Is Brad around?"

"Uh-" he looks to the side.

"Natalie."

I turn to look at Josh who is making his way towards me. He looks down the hall at the rooms then at me. He looks nervous. I know something is up instantly.

"Hey, Josh. I need to speak with Brad. Is he here?"

Josh scratches the back of his head. "Yeah. He's sleeping, I think."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Why do you look guilty saying that?"

He lets out a breath. "Natalie-"

My heart drops to my stomach in realization. "He's with someone right now, isn't he?"

He looks at me then nods once.

"Okay," I say slowly. "What room is he in?"

Josh shakes his head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why are you covering for him? It's over between us anyway."

Josh glances at Oliver who is pretending he's not listening then he grabs my hand and pulls me to the side, further from him. He looks at me then he says in a low voice, "I'm not covering for him. I just don't think it's something you want to see."

"Maybe it's something I need to see."

"What for?"

I shake my head in disbelief. "I just-I can't believe him. We were together for over eight years. Eight. And he just moves on this fast?" I can't hide the hurt in my voice and I know Josh notices it.

"I don't think he's moved on. He's just dealing with it."

I laugh dryly. "What a way to deal with things." I sigh then take out the ring from my purse. "I came to return this..." I look down at the ring.

"I can give it to him." Josh offers.

I sigh then place the ring in Josh's palm. "Whatever. I need get out of here." I turn around and start making my way out of the building. I suddenly feel suffocated.

"Wait-" Josh says as he follows me out. "Where are you going?"

"To Penny's. I need a drink."

Penny's is a bar that's just down the street from the station. I've been there many times with Brad. I wouldn't go if I didn't know he was too busy fucking someone at the moment.

"Mind if I tag along?" Josh asks as he catches up to me.

"Aren't you working?"

"I was just getting off actually."

I turn to look at him and realize for the first time that he's out of his uniform. He's wearing jeans with a black T-shirt and sneakers. I can't help but notice how his T-shirt sleeves hug his arms. He really did change a lot. "You've adapted to it very easy haven't you?" I ask him, relaxing a bit.

I know Brad and I are over and there is no reason for me to demand or be mad about what he's doing now. It just hurts that he chooses to sleep with someone else just two days after our break up. I also know I'm the one that broke up with him so there's no point to my anger at all really. It's over. Brad is moving on through whatever way he chooses to move on. I need to do the same. Though I know we obviously have very different ways in dealing with this. Right now, I choose to deal with it with a beer.

Josh shrugs. "I guess so, yes."

We reach the bar and he pulls open the door for me. He follows me to the bar and we sit on the stools next to each other. It's not until we get our drinks-he gets a water-that I realize how long it's been since we've hung out like this. Just two friends having a drink. The last time we did this we were drinking milkshakes, that's how long it's been.

I smile at him. "This is nice."

His face softens and he smiles back as if he knows exactly what I mean. Maybe he does. "Yes, it is."

"So," I say as I reach for my glass. "How have the past eight years been, really?"

He takes a deep breath. "In truth? It's been many things. Great. Amazing. Breathtaking, literally." He chuckles as if he just remembered a joke then he turns to look at me and he suddenly looks sad. "Lonely."

"Really?" I ask, feeling sad for him. I can see the sadness in his eyes. I know he means it and it breaks my heart.

He nods. "Yes. Don't get me wrong. I loved it too. I learned a lot and I got to experience many things. See a lot of places...but it's also a very dark, lonely place, Natalie. It's not easy being away from family and friends..." he shakes his head. "It breaks you."

Without thinking, I reach out and place my hand on top of his. He looks up in surprise.

"I'm so sorry, Josh."

Whenever I thought of Josh during the past years, I would imagine him happy and enjoying himself. I know he was deployed to Japan the last time so I imagined him enjoying the country with his friends. How foolish of me to think he was having fun. He was serving the country. I have no idea what they do during deployments but by the look on Josh's face, I can tell that his nights weren't full of laughter and enjoyment.

"It's alright," he says softly.

I smile as I pull my hand away. "Your family really missed you, especially your mom. She always tells everyone how proud she is of you. I'm sure you know."

He half smiles. "I missed her too. And my dad and Brad." He pauses then he turns to look at me. "I also missed you."

I can hear my heart beating hard against my chest and I don't even know why. "I missed you too, Josh." I tell him and mean it. This is the first time I'm admitting to myself how much I missed him. Ever since that night in his room, the last time I saw him, I felt like there was someone missing. I went through college and made friends, sure, but never someone like Josh. I was never that close to someone again. We've always had a special connection. We understood each other from the start. I thought we had lost that but now I realize that maybe we didn't. Maybe we could be friends again.

And then I remember the kiss and my smile fades a bit. I look into Josh's eyes and wonder if this is the time to talk about it. I realize that it's not something I don't want to talk about. I can't pretend that it didn't happen even if it happened so long ago. By the look in his eyes, I can tell that he knows what's going through my head because he looks down at his lap. He runs a hand through his hair and then looks up at me. "Natalie..." he says quietly. "I-" he shakes his head. "I don't even know how to say this."

The bartender is working on a drink right in front of us and I wait for him to finish and walk away before turning to Josh. "Why did you kiss me that night, Josh?" I ask quietly as if it is a secret. It sort of is, I guess.

His eyes look into mine. "Do you want the truth or do you want me to say something to make you feel better?"

"The truth," I say without hesitating. I didn't even realize that we had leaned our heads into each other. We are very close but I don't mind. That scares me a bit.

He purses his lips. After a moment, he finally speaks. "Natalie, I kissed you because I was dying to do it."

I feel myself catch a breath.

"I liked you," Josh says softly. "Hell, I might have loved you."

"Since when?" I ask, my voice is barely a whisper. I think I knew this after the kiss but one thing is to speculate and the other is to hear it coming directly from his lips.

"I don't know. You were my best friend. I loved spending time with you, that wasn't a secret. I cared about you." he shrugs. "I guess I didn't realize how much I cared about you until I saw you with someone else...until I saw you with Brad."

"Josh-" I begin, feeling shocked by his confession. I think back to high school when Brad and I started dating. That was when Josh and I stopped hanging out like we did before.

"You don't have to say anything." He interrupts. "It was so long ago. I felt bad for kissing you that night though. I should have asked for permission or at least tried to explain-"

"It's not like I gave you a chance to explain."

He studies me for a moment. "Did you ever tell Brad?"

I shake my head. "No. It-I felt guilty for a long time. In fact, I did until today. It technically made me a cheater."

"I'm so sorry," he says looking ashamed.

I'm still trying to process the fact that he said he liked me-maybe loved me-back then. I had a crush on Josh for a long time. It was for the first year of our friendship. But Josh never indicated that he liked me back so I made myself get over him and see him only as a friend.

"It happened so long ago," I finally say. "I don't know why I held on to it for so long."

"I thought about it ever since too," he says quietly. His eyes roam all over my face and I see him glance down my lips for a split second. It makes me feel something in my stomach. Something I know I shouldn't be feeling. Not this soon after Brad. Not for Josh, Brad's brother.

I gulp slowly when he reaches out and touches a strand of my hair. His hand travels under my chin. He presses two fingers under it and raises my head slightly so I am looking right at him. "Is this okay?" He whispers. My head nods once before I even have the chance to articulate any words. His touch makes my skin feel on fire. He sends tingles all the way down my toes. I've never felt anything quite like it. Except maybe the first time he kissed me.

And then he leans in without breaking eye contact. It feels so intimate, like we shouldn't be doing this in a bar with people around us. He presses his lips against mine gently. His lips are soft and gentle as he kisses me. It's almost as if he's scared to kiss me at all. I close my eyes as his tongue asks for entry. I grant it.

I don't know how much time passes before I realize what I'm doing. This is wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. It's too soon. This is Brad's brother for God's sake.

I pull away and Josh opens his eyes. "Shit-" he curses under his breath when I begin to stand up. "Natalie-"

"I better go-" I interrupt him and then I turn and walk away from Josh Andrews for the second time in my life.