《I'm Alive (Sanders Sides AU)》I'm Alive
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Soon after me and Logan made up, a bunch of people started coming in the room to check on me. First a bunch of nurses and a doctor and stuff. And then Logan had to leave so I could talk to a psychologist about what happened.
I explained everything I felt to her, and to my surprise, she didn't judge me. She recommended that I either join a program for people like me or I take therapy. I told her I'd talk to my dad about it.
After I talked with Ms. Noble, Dr. Williams came in one more time and checked to make sure I was stable for the third time with help from nurse Jones. They were all really nice to me and talked to me while they worked.
Eventually once they were done, they let people in to see me. Roman practically bust the door down as he ran to my side hugging me.
"Patton you scared the heck out of me you innocent little bean don't you ever do that again I love you so much, man." He said quickly.
I hugged him back and laughed a bit, wincing a bit cause my throat was still sore. "I won't, Ro. I..promise.
Virgil ran in after, catching his breath. "Holy hell, princey. You can run..-Pat! You're ok!" He said smiling as he ran over to the other side of the bed and hugged me.
"Yep, I'm..alright."
"You sure you should be talking, though? You sound awful." Virgil said, concerned as he looked at my bandaged neck.
"Nurse Jones said...as long as I am gentle and...take my time I'll..be ok."
"If you say so.." Virgil replied.
Logan walked in last and smiled, giving Roman and Virgil a chance to hug me before he claimed me all for himself.
"Patton, your mother and father are on their way." Logan said as he sat down in his chair.
"My..mom?" I asked. Logan nodded as I grew nervous. I hadn't spoken to my mom in nearly six years. I never wanted to bother her.
I wonder if she'll still hate me.
But maybe..if Logan loves me, maybe she might too.
The four of us sat and talked together for a while. I'd been absent for a few days claiming I was sick, so Roman was more than happy to fill me in on all the 'tea.'
"And then, he got down on one knee, and-"
"Did he...propose??"
"Of course not! But it's Remy, so everyone thought he would."
"And then he asked Emile to be his boyfriend!"
"I'm telling the story, Virgil!" Roman pouted.
"Sorry," Virgil shrugged. "You were talking to slow."
"Jerk." Roman rolled his eyes.
"Your jerk." Virgil corrected him, causing Roman to smile.
"And now they've been inseparable ever since. It's actually quite touching." Logan added.
"Aww I'm..so happy Remy..finally found someone."
"Yeah, and Emile is really perfect for him. He's so sweet!" Roman said.
Suddenly, the door burst open.
"Patton!" I saw my mom in the doorway running over and hugging me.
I didn't say anything as I started feeling guilty all over again. For not only causing her to run away, but for the fact I never talked to her either and then she randomly gets a call that her son..
"I'm..ok, mom." I said, smiling a little bit.
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Logan stood up from his chair and offered her a seat. She looked Logan up and down.
"Well, Patton. I see you've got yourself a tall glass of water." She said smirking.
I could see a hint of red across his face as he held out his hand. It was funny, because he'd been called that before.
"Hello, you must be Patton's mother. My name is Logan Smith."
My mom, like everyone else, was taken aback a bit by how formal Logan was. She smiled nevertheless and shook his hand.
"I'm Rose Tyler. It's nice to meet you, Logan."
"Likewise."
My mom turned around to see Roman and Virgil.
"Roman, dear! It's been too long."
"Mrs. Tyler, you're looking gorgeous as ever." Roman said as he stood up from his chair, hugging her. "This is my boyfriend, Virgil."
Mom turned to look at Virgil. He smiled sheepishly. He wasn't wearing any makeup, so he was a bit bruised but my mom didn't mind.
"H-Hi.." Virgil mumbled quietly, holding out his hand.
"Hello, Virgil. It's wonderful to meet you." She hugged Virgil and whispered something in his ear, causing Virgil to start laughing.
"What's the joke? What did she say?" Roman asked.
Virgil looked at Roman and continued laughing. "It's nothing."
Mom sat down in Logan's chair.
"Would you like a moment alone with Patton?" Logan asked.
Mom smiled a bit and nodded. "If you don't mind."
"Not at all, Mrs. Tyler!" Roman said.
Virgil and Roman got up and left the room.
"Logan, come here quick before you go." I said, a bit nervous.
Logan looked a bit nervous as well as he walked over to me, unsure of what I wanted. I quickly kissed his cheek and smiled as he blushed as red as a rose.
"Alright..you can...go now." I said, feeling triumphant I had mad him flustered. I began shaking a bit as Logan left the room. That was kinda also the way I came out to my mom.
"Soo, is that dashing young man your boyfriend?" Mom asked, smirking.
"Yeah," I said. "Is..that ok?"
"Honey, of course it's ok! As long as Logan makes you happy, I have no right to judge who you love. Cause at the end of the day, you're still my kiddo."
I smiled a bit, as tears filled my eyes. My mom immediately held my hand. "What's wrong, honey? Talk to me.."
"I'm just...sorry I haven't..called...and that I made..you leave dad..and..."
"Sweetie," She started. "I left your father only because he was turning sour. And I left you with him because you told me you wanted to stay with Roman. I wasn't going to be known as the mom who tore her child away from his friends just because my life was hitting a rough patch."
"So..you still..love me?" I asked, scared to hear the answer.
She hugged me tight. "Of course I do. And as of now I'm already planning to move back here to keep a close watch on you."
I hugged my mom back and held her tight, happy I finally got to have my mom back in my life.
Our hug didn't last as long as I would've liked, because my dad opened the door and walked in.
"Hey, sport," He said smiling a bit. "Hey, Rose." He said with a little less enthusiasm.
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"Hello, Mickey." Mom said. She was trying harder to be nice to him than he was trying, that was for sure.
"Quite the stunt you pulled." Dad said as he sat down on a chair.
"Yeah, I..guess."
"Why'd you do it?" He asked, getting straight to the point. The heart rate monitor began to speed up as I got nervous. There was no hiding it.
"Mickey.." My mom said, warning him.
"It's..fine, mom." I said, taking a breath.
And I told him everything. It took a while, since my voice was still sore and strained, but I told him about how I wanted to be a writer. How I felt like I was drowning in all the expectations he was setting for me. I even told him that I was gay.
"So..let me get this straight," he began. "After all I've done for you, you go and start liking boys and you try and kill yourself? Don't you think that's a bit selfish? Have you ever stopped to think that-"
"Mickey, I think you should get out." My mom said.
His words really hurt me, but I tried not to listen. I remember what Remy told me a while ago. It didn't make sense then, but it did now. I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of who I am and who or what I like just to please him.
"Dad. You..can hate me for..all I've told..you. But...I don't care. I..I am who..I am. And I..am proud. And I..know that I don't..need your approval. Because..I have so many..people in my..life who love me..and accept me for who..I am."
My dad was furious that he didn't have any affect on me anymore. That time in my life was over. It had finally hit me like a brick, and it all made sense now.
He simply stood up, and left the room.
My mom began hugging me again, and I hugged her back.
-
After the chaos had died down, I sat in the waiting room again with Virgil as we gave Patton time alone with his mother. Logan had gone to the convenient store to get us some snacks.
Something had unsettled me. Besides everything that had happened, it chilled me how unusually calm Virgil was when he was comforting Logan.
"What's wrong?" Virgil asked, looking at me.
"What? Nothing!" I said quickly.
"You're a bad liar," Virgil said, smiling. "And plus, you've got that look on your face."
I sighed, thinking about how to word my concern.
"Well, when you were comforting Logan, you were so...calm about it. And when we were driving to the hospital you were calm about that too. Well, calmer than me, at least."
"So?"
"So, that's extremely uncharacteristic of you, Virge. You are the opposite of calm. You're like..like the human embodiment of anxiety."
"Those were some big words, but I get where you're coming from." Virgil said.
"Explain??" I said.
Virgil sighed. "I've..well I've been in Logan's position before. I've had panic attacks that were just as bad, or maybe even worse. I know how I feel when I experience that stuff and I know exactly how I'd want someone to talk to me and say to me."
"...and the car ride?"
"I may be a coward, but I know when I need to be strong for people. When my mom's in danger or she's freaking out, I have to be strong for her. And even if I'm panicking, I need to be strong and try and calm her down," He took a breath.
"Cause it's never really helped when a panicking person was with another panicking person--Roman, why are you crying??" He asked suddenly as he put his hand on mine.
I tried to blink back the tears. "It's just such...bullshit! The fact you have to deal with all this stuff."
Virgil shrugged. "We all have our demons that haunt us. I have my dad, you have Remus, Logan has his sister, Patton has his dad too."
I gasped. "Patton's dad hurts him too?"
"No! Well, yes. I mean, mentally, not physically. He's vented to me a couple times before when I went over to his house."
I sighed. "I guess you're right, but it still sucks."
"I've returned with your requested snacks." Logan said as he came back in with a bag.
He handed me my bag of Takis as I thanked him and eagerly opened the bag and began stuffing my face. The suffering my mouth would go through later would all be worth it for how good it was.
He handed Virgil a bag of Oreos, as Virgil opened it, taking apart each cookie and eating one half at a time. Logan sat down as he took his snack out of the bag; a small tub of sour patch kid's ice cream.
Virgil and I both just looked at him as was already putting a spoonful into his mouth.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing, just not something I assumed you'd eat." Virgil said.
"Me neither, but it was colorful and tempting and I figured I might as well try it."
"You're so lying, aren't you." I said, smirking.
"Possibly." He said, eating another spoonful.
I saw a few more items remaining in the bag.
"More food?" I asked him.
"For Patton and his mother." Logan replied.
"You know his dad's in their too, right?"
"I know."
"And..you didn't get him food."
"I know." Logan said. Virgil smirked. We both knew this was his way of saying 'That moron doesn't deserve my food.'
"Speak of the devil.." Virgil said as Patton's dad stormed out into the waiting room. He laid eyes on Logan and ran over to him.
As if on instinct, Virgil stood between Logan and Mickey.
"Mr. Tyler, I really think you should go."
"That bastard," Mickey said enraged, pointing at Logan. "Corrupted my son. And I won't rest until he's dead!"
Logan's eyes widened and I could see him shaking. Clearly, this had hit a nerve. I called for a nurse, who called security. Mickey saw it as his last chance, so he tried to take a swing at Virgil.
Virgil blocked the hit and pushed him away. "Come on, man. We don't want trouble."
"Then let me kill that little bastard and I'll be on my way."
He began charging back towards Virgil, but not before two security guards dragged him out of the waiting room. His yelling slowly got quieter until it was silent once again.
" You're dead! You're all dead!"
Virgil turned to Logan. "You ok, Logan?"
Logan nodded slowly. "I'm..quite alright. Thank you for protecting me, though you didn't have to do that for me."
"Oh shutup. You're my best friend. I'd take a hit for you any day."
-
Even under the circumstances, I can't stop smiling.
Logan, Roman, and Virgil had come back in after I had my time with mom, and the five of us talked and laughed for the rest of the night. Even though it was late, and I could tell they were all tired.
They loved me.
I am loved.
I never would have realized any of this had I died today.
But the universe kept me alive. To prove to me and finally get me to see that all these things I've been upset over all this time, aren't all true.
And while some things won't ever be easily shaken off, I'm more than willing to go to therapy and get the help that I need.
Because I know I don't have to do this alone. I never had to. All my loved ones are rooting for me.
And with their help, I can do it. I can do anything.
Because I'm finally, truly happy.
I'm happy.
I'm worthy.
I'm loved.
I'm alive.
-
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