saturday, second week of testing, middle school promotion is in one month and a day

1:33 am

well i guess i didn't finish that last part but i don't think i'm going to finish it now :/

but i still don't feel any better

well what i was saying in that last part was that i wish i had someone i could rely on through thick and thin. i'm so fucking tired of being alone. there are so many problems with me. it not like others where it's acceptable in society. i'm so insecure to the point that if i told anyone from school or church or even the internet on an anonymous account i'd feel so embarrassed i'd kill myself right then. it's not like those "oh i wish i was a little skinnier, i could lose a few pounds" or the "my skin is awful like i have patches everywhere" or like i get bullied. though frankly if i was bullied i would kill myself, i'm not strong enough for that shit. im as fragile as it gets.

no, my insecurities go deep, so far deep. and even though i've told myself i'd never tell the internet i'm going to say it. idk if i'll publish this anytime soon. or at all. maybe in a couple of years if i ever start feeling better.

omfg i'm so dramatic smh i'm only 13. i'vr haven't even left middle school. lol who the fuck do i think i am.

who do i think i am ?

i'm a whiny brat. a good for nothing piece of shit. i might as well list off everything i hate about myself. (at the beginning it'll probably everything right off the top of my head but as i go on other this will pop on)

i'm ugly.

i'm shy.

i'm insecure.

i wet the bed.

im not smart.

i have no close friends, well at least no one im fully comfortable with. or anyone i can dare to call my best friend.

i'm no close to anyone in my immediate family. or even anyone in all my relatives in general.

i'm weak.

i'm fragile.

i cry easily.

i think i'm suicidal, but i'm probably not.

i'm too afraid to tell anyone abt any of this because i think people will think i'm attention seeking.

i afraid of being talked about behind my back

i know i should clean my room and i would, but if anyone tell me too i'll avoid doing it for as long as possible.

i have a short temper.

i hate my family.

i'm fat.

i stopped playing tennis after like 2-3 months.

i want to be nice and make friends or try to be funny but i always screw up somehow .

i'm not funny.

i have money from allowance and birthdays but i always say i'm broke.

i use my sisters card to shop online bc i'm so scared to go in stores to buy stuff or to the bank to get my own card.

i hate public speaking.

i want to be friends w the popular group but again i'm afraid of judgement.

i'm rude.

i'm easily annoyed even though i'm extremely annoying.

if i told my family about my insecurities i'm absolutely sure they'd just frown at me and say i'm being stupid or something like that idk i just know they will probably make me feel worse, yk since they're like 90% responsible for being like this.

i'm a bitch.

i lash out at the people i love or i want to get closer to.

i've never been liked by someone.

i'm abt 99% sure all of the teachers i've ever had hated me, thought i was annoying or stupid or a bad student or something.

i've never been anyone's favorite person or wtv smtn like that.

i'm a terrible person.

idk if i like someone or if i'm convincing myself to like them so i just think of excuses for stuff i don't like in guys to make me convince myself i'm being my desperate self again.

i bite my nails

(there's probably more. i might add on as i'm writing. update: i did add more oops)

well hey here's another fun story: this happened about 30 minutes ago that prompted me to write again.

oh oh wait backstory: my uncle came to our house yesterday (i didn't know he was coming). i was annoyed bc i wanted to clean my room this weekend but i don't like doing that when people are around,, as in like anyone in general. since i knew i was too embarrassed to face him i pretended i was going to go to sleep. instead i went on my phone. and i got bored. i got ready for bed. then went on my phone and at some point.

well anyways, later i started watching some random show and fell asleep. so the next day (today) i woke up a little earlier than usual and realized i fell asleep during it and continued watching some other ones for like an hour. after i got a bowl full of my dads homemade beef jerky and started watching this one kdrama that's super cute aHH and playing btd battles. ik ik it's a lame game with a targeted demographic of kids in their XD phases or watch minecraft youtubers. but yeah i play that. then i played w makeup and avoided my uncle and other people in my family. i went downstairs to get food but instead i just drank some water.

ok ok nows time for the story or wtv

ok so this actually took place about an hour ago now (it's 2:23). i was lying in bed (i think i started crying a bit bc i was left alone w my own thoughts again) and i heard my uncle talk to my sisters a joke¿ abt how my middle sisters room was messy and she just replied saying it was all laundry, which it was. i knew he was going to open my door so i stopped myself from crying and i pretended to sleep. i breathed slower and moved my eyes w my eyes closed and stuff i'm pretty sure they knew i was faking it. i just didn't want to face my uncle, i heard my dad walking abt a minute after.

while i was fake sleeping i could still hear them through my closed door. my uncle first started off by saying it was probably the first time he'd seen me sleep in my actual bed. i was confused for a split second. until one of my sisters said something about my closet. and then i knew they were taking about me sleeping in my closet. i did that a few years ago because my bed was too gross to sleep in. it worked for a little bit. but then my dad caught me sleeping in there and he asked me why and i lied saying that my blinds casted a shadow from the street lights which made it hard for me to sleep. he said he'd get me curtains. which he did. and i didn't have an excuse anymore.

i hated those curtains. i took them down a couple months or maybe a year or so after. this time my excuse was that it made was that it trapped in the heat (and the fucking piss smell). i can sleep in the bed now but i still pee at least every four days. idk why i pee but i do.

then my uncle mentioned that he knew i peed because every time he came over and entered my room he could smell it. i didn't know it was always that bad. i live in a pig sty. i'm pretty sure earlier he mentioned my room being a fucking mess and being surprised that i still wet the bed. but wtv i've knew he was going to say that. i've always wet the bed. i think it stopped for about a year, but it came back. and it's probably never leaving.

but all those words they said about me just amplified my crying and added to my self hatred. well i mean every added day i live adds to my self hatred but this was more than usual. i don't go a single day without feeling like crap. it could be from me overanalyzing things or me having jealousy or something completely different than that but i don't feel like mentioning everything that makes me sad.

those words just

broke me.

i was already broken. i wasn't surprised when they said this. i knew that they most likely thought that about me. it's just that my doubts about if they wouldn't laugh and tease something i cannot control by now i-

i didn't know what i was thinking. my "ignorance" i guess you could say, was the last thing that kept me hanging on. by like the tiniest thread.

well i've let go completely let go now.

i've lost all hope. ironic since that's my second name lol.

hope. isn't it silly that people name their children something they expect out of them or like something inspiring or wtv. yk like grace or faith or, well, hope.

oh well.

one by one i've felt a disconnect with all the people close to me. or with any of my new/mutual/kinda close but not rly friends.

i've been thinking this for a while, everything seem so,, surreal. it's like i'm not living my life. i'm living but i'm dead. i can feel and touch and taste and cry. but yet. at the same time i can't. i done care as much. i'm talking about i don't care about anything anymore. well i can try to care, but it's not the same as before. lol before what ? that i do not know. just before. anything, everything.