thursday, end of the second week of testing (this week is english)

7:32 pm

i'm so fucking tired. i hate myself. i want to die.

oh well here's a little backstory woop

today was a fairly decent day. i copied down some writing in spanish bc my teacher said to but this guy next to me (who i'm a little mean to but like as a joke he a pretty decent dude) send me the second part of it w/o he answers bc the directions were confusing but i'm grateful bc i did want to type it all up anyways. in english we did our state testing and i didn't get to the essay section yet and i have to fix my first response. in harmonia my eyes got red and i started crying a bit but since i didn't have my allergy eyedrops i used my contact eyedrops and it was ok for a while. during lunch i didn't go to the library and i just stayed with jes, ele, lau, etc. and the rest of the group they were hanging w i knew the majority of them. i kinda felt bad not being in the library bc the library is just kinda comforting yk or smth. oh yeah i wrote yeet on my knuckles again and i kinda felt like i was overdoing it a bit to the point of annoyance so i felt bad. my eyes started to act up again in math and

i put more eyedrops in. also i started sniffling a lot again and i messed up a lot in our ticket abt shaded regions, but i turned it in w mostly everything i think. on my way to the car (ari wasnt there bc she had drama rehearsal) i was trying my best to not like cry or wtv but my eyes teared up when we turned into the neighborhood so i tried not to look at her (ari mom) too much. i took out my contacts once I got home and I wanted to take a nap but it's just laid there in bed on my phone. i started to think abt everything wrong w me because today i kinda just felt like crap. if i were to write out every feeling i had today it would take forever. i kinda been crying ever since like 4:30. i sort of want to ask my mom if i can stay home tomorrow because i really don't feel good. but i know i shouldn't bc i have so much to do. also apparently today is "poem in your pocket day" and ari's had a poem that she said was for me yk "with my name on it and everything" it's called complete destruction and i thought it was funny bc well "complete destruction" ahaha me,, my life yk but like thinking abt it now make me so sad. when she gave it to me i was like "i like how you read this title and thought of me" and i also referenced the cat and made the connection to my name.

i'm not quite sure what it means so i'm going to hang onto this.

but the main thing that's upsetting me is my eyes, i keep saying to people oh i have dry eyes and really bad allergies to explain but idk. i got my contacts in the 30th of last month so i'm getting new ones in a few days but like in of the first day i had a really bad reaction to the pollen on the field during pe and i went to the nurse to reduce the swelling. since then my eyes kept getting a little irritated and like 2-3 days later i got sick. it got better for a while but now i'm just as sick as the beginning i've been sick for about 3 weeks now and i don't know what i'm doing. all this week my eyes have been turning red and i've been crying and i want to to stop so bad.

i have such a low self esteem and self worth. i've been thinking maybe all this irritation in my eyes is a sign that i should wear contacts but i really want to keep wearing them because i feel so much better knowing i have them on. i'm always so concerned about how i look. i just feel so much uglier with the glasses on at my contacts make me not feel that, but frankly I think it's doing more harm than good. i do so much to make myself feel prettier i don't, i can't do that anymore because of my current sickly state. i'm tired. i'm just so sick and tired. i want to be pretty. i want to be loved, it doesn't have to be romantically or anything like that. i just want to no that someone is out there for my whenever i'm down. someone who i know i can rely on and trust and i don't feel will judge me, because there's so such you can judge.

i don't want to keep writing right now, i'll probably finish this later tonight but i want to stop and keep crying for a while; 8:08 )