sunday

1:36 pm

i think i just had my first-ish suicide attempt? i just friend to choke myself in my mom's car. i've tied a belt around my neck or held my neck in attempt to see if i could handle killing myself but i knew it wasn't my time or place when i did that. in the car just now i felt i could kill myself right then and there.

(im rereading this on nov. 4 of 2018 and i realize how uneducated i was about suicide ahahahha)

i gripped my neck with both hands and squeezed tight. i knew if i killed myself my mom and my sister would finally realize how stupid they've been lately.

but i couldn't do it. i tried maybe 3 or 4 times and none of it worked. i stopped trying. instead i just sat there and continued to cry.

i'm so sick and tired.

maybe if i just hang on for a little bit longer it'll all get better...

who am i kidding. none of this will ever get better. i'm going to suffer my entire life.

i think i've finally realizes i'm actually suicidal.

i don't want to get help. i just want to die. i know that would mean i'm going to live an eternal life in hell but oh fucking well. i'd rather live in a world where i hate everything than know i'm living here with people i know i used to love. and that no matter how much i want to love them and have them love me back, i'm instead going to have to live with them hating me forever and me hating them. i want to die.

i hate my sister.

i don't wish she was dead i wish her a long, awful life full of pain and suffering.

what just happened right now was because of that

bitch.

today had a rough start. but i believed that after church all of this would blow over after the day was done.

of course. as always my faith in the impossible have brought me down just to disappoint me.

this morning my dad and my uncle left for the airport because my dad is going to to the Philippines for a high school reunion and he'll stay there for about a month.

maybe an hour after they left, my overdramatic self entitled disrespecting stupid wreck of a sister had another one of her arguments with my mom.

i don't feel like typing about the whore rn so oops