It had been almost a month since the last time I saw Lukas and the world around me felt very cold but nevertheless I carried on with my life. My only two friends had gone but what did I care? I didn't need them. Friedrich had completely betrayed me and Lukas didn't want to see me. What was the point in mourning and sitting around doing nothing? Or at least that was the mind set I forced myself to be in for those past weeks..

I had somewhat succeeded for a while until blocking out the wall every time I walked past it became an inconceivable task; I just walked past it too often, and feeling the gaze of each guard on you as you strode past just felt like a spider crawling up your back; you want to turn and look at it but you're too scared to. Giving up on the mental blocking, I found myself always searching the wall for Friedrich, hoping he'd be there. Whether I'd smile or turn my head away or make a tear come just for effect, I don't know what I would do. I still don't know how I feel about him. I really like him yet how can I from what I have learned? How can I even want to think about him or say his name? Sure, part of me hates him uncontrollably, but shouldn't all of me be that way? He killed my father. He didn't even mention it to me. He lied to my face about never shooting someone. He let us become friends. What hurts the most? That he lied to me about it and I had to find out the truth for myself.

Right there and then I decided that I would not let myself feel feelings for him again, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness or kindness. But Lukas, that's a different matter. I was the one that had betrayed him, I had let my anger get the best of me. I'm not going to come up with some lame excuse for why because it's not true. I have no excuse for why I did that. I called him lazy and unwanted but he's not either. I had no reason to call him those yet I did anyway because I wasn't thinking of the consequences. I didn't think he would really leave but he has and I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried to apologize but that doesn't get me anywhere. Can't I have a list of options at least I could choose from?

I sighed, looking up through the ceiling, through the roof, up to the sky.

"Hi God if you're up there, just me, Kirsten. Wanted to know if I could have some help with this situation? Thanks." I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath and then opened them, glancing around the room, half expecting some sort of change or sign of what to do to magically glow, or maybe some fairy throw fairy dust all over me and I had the ability to go back in time. Who was I kidding? Nothing was going to happen. "'Pray to God' she says, 'He will help those who need it' she says. 'Believe in God'. Thanks mum. Real help. You can go put that belief right up your -"

All went silent as a frantic knock seemed to jolt the whole house awake and all that could be heard was the knocking that went into slow motion as she stared at the door through the living room wall. She could see all the individual particles vibrating against each other as the knocking grew louder. She couldn't tell if the tall figure behind the door with the messy hair and baggy top was a figment of her imagination; her wishful thinking; or whether it was the real thing.

Walking up slowly to the door, holding the wall for support, she rested her hand on the ice cold handle and opened the door to see Lukas' mother. There was something different about her from last time now. Well, quite a lot different. She rushed into my arms, sobbing her fragile heart out. Her eyes were red and her whole face was puffy and tear stained. Her hair like she had just woken up and that perfume very discrete and fading.

"What's the matter? What's happened?"

"It's Lukas!" She started but couldn't continue before breaking down in another waterfall of tears. Helping her into the living room, I heard mother start coming down the stairs, taking one look at Lukas' mother and rushed into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

After about half an hour, three cups of tea and a packet of biscuits, she had finally settled a little and turned towards me, ready to deliver the news.

"He's gone Kirsten.. Lukas' gone.."

"Gone?" I questioned, confusion filling my mind rather than anger or fear or worry.

"To the other side.. He left last night.. I couldn't stop him.."

"It's okay-"

"No its not! I don't know where my baby is!" She broke down in more sobs and mother came over and held her by the shoulders, letting her rest her head on her shoulders.

"It will be okay, we'll find him." Mother whispered gently to her, rocking her back and forwards slightly to calm her down. I watched them, a million thoughts running through my head. He'd crossed the wall. He'd crossed the wall because of me. Is he even still alive? Did he make it? If so, what was I suppose to do? How could I cross the border, find him in a place I've never been, convince him to come back and then cross the border again? All without being shot at by guards. It was impossible. But I had to do it. He's my friend, whether I was his is another matter and is no use thinking about, but that meant I'd do anything for his safety and I would. He needed to be back here where he belongs, back at home, back with his mother.

Running out of the room, I ran to my bedroom and grabbed a rucksack before stuffing clothes and essentials into it, including a packet of biscuits I had stolen from the kitchen and hid under my bed for emergencies. Tying up the string pull bag, I pulled on a jacket, threw the bag over my shoulder and pushed on some trainers. I was a complete idiot but I had to do this. I made my way downstairs, carefully avoiding the creaky wooden steps I had memorized like the back of my hand.

"Kirsten what are you doing?" Mother called and before she could stop me, I ran out of the door, slamming it shut, only to hear her scream a "no" at the wooden panes of the door. I kept running after, no clue where I was going, I just needed to get away first, then make plans. If I made plans at all that is. Improvising is just as good.