Two weeks has passed since the event.

Ai-chan has started to fit in the school and has made friends, including me, Yuri and Kaito. She also became a crucial member in the tennis team, because of her skills she’s gain a reputation among the first years. Hiro has now started to hangout with us more and I haven’t really seen him interact with Yoshikawa Hinata. I kinda feel bad about it. Yoshikawa Hinata hasn’t been doing anything that stands out, I would see him pass by in the hallway or talking with his friends as usual. He was acting normal.

For me, I’ve been……. struggling at home. Every day, it gets worse. It’s a struggle to go home. It’s a struggle to talk. It’s a struggle to stay in the house. It’s a struggle to eat with them. It’s a struggle.

I’m so tired…….

“Ha-chan!” Ai-chan called, “Hey! Ha-chan! Coach is calling for you.”

“Oh! Sorry, I dozed for a second there.” I chuckled.

“You, okay? You’ve been losing focus a lot recently. The tournament is coming this Monday.” she asked sincerely.

“I’m okay! I’m just not getting enough sleep lately.” I nervously chuckle again.

“Well, anyways. Coach is calling for you. It’s probably about the tournament.”

I headed to his office.

“Murakami-san, how have you been?” he asked, but that’s not what he wanted to ask.

“Good.” I instinctively said.

“So, about your performance so far, I’m starting to worry.” the atmosphere got even more dense, “I haven’t seen that much improvement in you. Like I told you, this team is based on improving. And you, Murakami-san, haven’t been improving much. Scott-san has completely overshadowed you in terms of skill. Even Suzuki-kun has now started to become much better than you. What’s going on? I can’t have one of my most promised player on the field slacking off because of her once high reputation. I know you’re better than that.” his words were of pissing me off.

I’m not slacking off! I’m just struggling to improve! It’s hard! Since I have personal problems, I need to fix on my own! He doesn’t even know what I’m going through!

“I’m sorry coach. I’ll try to be better.” I answered.

“No, it’s not about being better. It’s being able to improve. Being better and improving are different things.”

Now what are you trying to do? Trying to be inspirational? Tch.

He sighed, “That’s all. If you have any questions, you can ask me for anything. I’ll see you in the tournament.”

“Yes sir.” I left the office with a deep weight in my chest.

The practice went on like normal. As for me, I tried my hardest again today, but I couldn’t win against neither Ai-chan or Yoshikawa-senpai.

I went home after practice with Ai-chan because we live in the same direction while Yuri, Kaito and Hiro lives on the northern part where the big houses are.

“I’m home.” I opened the front door and entered.

No one answered. Well, that’s expected.

That deep feeling in my chest started to get even heavier as I went deeper inside ‘my’ house.

The floors squeak with every step I take inside the house. The kitchen sink is clean, the dining table is clean, and the chairs are properly tucked under the table, the air around the house has now started to smell even more mossy even though I’ve been cleaning it.

I hesitantly knocked on my father’s door, “Dad, are you there?”

No one answered. But I went in anyways.

I opened the door. He wasn’t home. The smell of his room are even worse. It consist of the smell of alcohol, cigarettes and the smell of a little bit of vomit. An alcoholic’s room.

I can’t, I just can’t! I can’t live like this.

I ignored my thoughts as usual and went ahead and cleaned the room. There really was vomit on the bed sheet and the floor underneath the bed. I cleaned those up also. It took me about an hour to clean up and start dinner.

While I was already preparing dinner, my father and Ren had arrived. Of course, they didn’t arrived at the same time, they still hate each other as usual.

We all ate dinner together that night.

After dinner, I went up to my brother in his room and told him, “My tournament is starting on Monday.”

“That’s good! I’ll definitely watch my sister play, of course!”

“Thanks.”

I couldn’t come up with another topic to talk about.

“……...good night, Hana.” he smiled and went to his ‘room’.

My brother, Ren hasn’t been sleeping in this house recently. Every night he would leave and come back in the morning. Sometimes, he wouldn’t come after the next day. He’s been getting distant lately. Like he doesn’t want to be in this family.

Don’t lie to yourself Hana, you also had enough with this family.

No! Stop.

The truth is you want to end it all. You want everything to stop. You want everything to start going the way you want—

Stop, please.

I opened my phone and browsed some videos on niconico. I watched people doing vlogs on the places that they’ve been to, people they’ve met, the fun activities that they’ve done and the food that they’ve eaten on their vlogs. It looked fun. Maybe one day, I can explore the world like these people. I can finally eat tons of food and meet different kinds of people. I’ll probably do some rock climbing, hiking on mountains, explore different cities and I can finally leave home and be by myself.

Sigh~

As I start to feel down again, I changed the videos that I’m watching. Instead, I watched videos of people streaming their digital art. It was very interesting on how they managed to turn a white canvas into an illustration.

I’ve never tried art before, I’ve been wanting to try it and see if it works out.

I watched more videos until I went to sleep at one in the morning.

The next day came. It’s Sunday. Tomorrow’s the first day of the tournament.

No school. No practice. Everyone is tired from exams, but there is homework.

I start the day without breakfast. I checked on my brother if he’s home. He’s home. I checked on my father. He’s sleeping. There’re a few new can of beers and cigarettes in his room.

Father started drinking after mom died. He drowned himself into alcohol, it was his way of copping. I tried my best to convince him to stop drinking; it was a success at first. I started helping out with the financial issues with my dad after that. Though it didn’t last long until his addiction of alcohol took over and his depression got worse.

This is just my opinion, but I think the reason why he’s depressed is because during my kindergarten days, we had financial issues with the house. Every night, mom and dad would have heated arguments about work and money. But there were some nights, he would get physical with her and that made her left the house. She took me and my brother with her.

After she left with us, he changed. Dad apologized to mom so many times when she left him. Eventually, mom forgave him. I’ve always remembered her as a very forgiving and kind person. She taught us to forgive not only the good people, but also our enemies. Before she died, her last words to me was before she left for work is, “Take care of your dad while I’m gone.”

It’s hard…… why did she leave us?

I stopped my thoughts and continued to do what I needed to do.

I entered dad’s room and picked up all the empty and half drank cans on the floor. The smell of smoke from the cigarettes, the rotten smell of beer that stinks the air in the room: are the things that I hated getting used to.

“Dad, I’m just going to clean your room, okay?” I asked him while I put my palm on his sleeping shoulder.

He grumbled.

I didn’t know if it was a yes or no, but I cleaned his room anyways.

I checked on my brother again. Just making sure if he’s actually there. For a long time, I’ve been in constant fear that he might leave and won’t come back. So, I always double checked if he’s back or not.

My usual days on Sundays are taking care of the house, doing the laundry, cleaning the front door, organizing the bills and doing my homework or other school stuff that I needed to do.

I did my usual routine today.

As I was about to do my homework, I went to the library as usual. I can’t concentrate at home.

I entered the library.

Ai-chan was there too.

“Evening, Ai-chan.” I greeted her.

“Ha-chan!” she got excited.

I literally felt the gazes of the people glaring at us.

“Ssshhh! We’re in a library.” I cautioned her.

“Sorry.” she lowered her voice, “What brings you here today?”

Her speech is too formal.

“Homework.” I showed her my small bag which contains my homework and some writing tools.

“Fantastic, I was about to do my homework too.”

We did our homework together in the library quietly. Ai-chan invited me for a cup of coffee after the session.

“Hey, Ha-chan.” Ai-chan’s tone was a little bit serious, “I’ve been wondering for a while now, why did you run away when you saw Takeda-kun on the stairs.”

“Huh? When?”

“The first time I met Aoki. We were about to go eat ramen that day.”

Oh! That day.

“You meant your first day? After practice, right?”

“Hm.” she fixes her hair, “Were you on bad terms with Takeda-kun that time?”

How do I answer her question?

“…….. yeah, in a way. It was complicated back then. Do you know Yoshikawa-senpai’s brother?”

“I’ve met him a couple of times.”

“Well, the thing is that he and I have never been on good terms. I’ve been on bad terms with his brother ever since middle school.”

She sips on her iced coffee, still listening to what I’m saying.

“I don’t really know why, but he just started bullying me during middle school. Even though, the year before that, we were in the same class. I tried befriending him at one point, but he just didn’t want to.”

I controlled my emotions as I told her; I didn’t want to get too into it. I might disturb the people around us. I fidget on the edge of the cap on my coffee as I continue.

“But then, Hiro wanted me to be friends with him. He introduced us to him, like how I introduced you. But compared to you and him, he didn’t got along with us. Especially, since there was a time that he bullied me for a year. He did apologized to me, and I did accept his apology. But he was just the guy I couldn’t get along with.”

Also, because my mom taught me to not only forgive good people but also forgive my enemies too.

I finished my cup. I took a big sigh to let out a little bit of my frustrations.

“So, what happened after that?” Ai-chan asked further.

“You know— Yoshikawa Hinata is the type of guy that takes his jokes too far. And he did took it too far with Hiro.” I stopped talking and reminisce the day Hiro got hospitalized during a school field.

The nerves on the tip of my fingers started to tingle again like it did back then. My heartbeat got faster as I recalled more of the event. It felt as though it happened yesterday.

I tried to sip another one, but I forgot that I finished all my coffee.

“I got really angry and beat the shit out of him. He and I got detention after the fight and Hiro was hospitalized for a week because of all the injuries that he got. That’s basically the story of why–I’ll–always–hate–the–Yoshikawa–Hinata in a nutshell.”

I put aside my cup before I squish it.

But I’ve been thinking recently that I might’ve misunderstood who he is.

“But— actually, going back to your previous question on why I ran away, it’s a different story.” I chuckled to remove the tension in the air, “you know that Yoshikawa Hinata actually helped Hiro to get close to you?”

Her eyebrows raised, indicating that she found it intriguing, “Oh! So, that’s what they were doing.”

I stayed quiet for a second.

“So, yeah. I left because it’s awkward being around them.” I concluded my story.

“Hmmm.”

She finished her coffee, “Let’s go?” she asked as she picked up her stuff.

I grabbed my empty cup and left with Ai-chan.