I hate being lonely.

This is the deep truth inside of me.

Ever since I learned the emotion of satisfaction, another emotion called loneliness was introduce right after. I thought to myself, ‘If I lose my value, then they won’t be friends with me anymore.’

So, in order to keep my value, I decided to be the person who helps those in need. I wanted to try and touch people’s hearts through my kindness. Sure, it sounds manipulative, but do you really think that every kind person in your life is fully kind at heart? No one is a hundred percent of what they look like from the outside is what they look like from the inside. You can say I’m a hypocrite, I probably am. But what can I do? I don’t want to be lonely.

“Wassup Hiro! Wanna go somewhere with us?” Yuri asked me as I was about to leave school.

“Hm? With whom?” I look behind her and saw two other girls, one I know very well and the other I know little but has caught my interest.

Hana averts her eyes from me, I did the same.

I still…… What should I do? I—I can’t look at her. I was too harsh on her. I didn’t thought much about how she feels, that’s why she got mad. Of course, she would be mad, I always try to forgive Hinata for the mistakes that he’s done to me. I wanted Hana to understand that he’s not the person that the school thinks he is. But I completely ignored her.

“Where’s Hana?” Yuri asked the girl.

“She said that she had some urgent stuff she needed to do and left.” She answered.

I can’t take it! I want to cry so bad! I don’t want to lose a friend! Especially Hana!

“Where are you going Hiro?” Yuri asked me.

Before I could even notice, I already started walking away.

“Sorry, I also remembered that I had to grab something in the classroom.” I made an answer on the spot.

I started walking faster to avoid everyone before they see my tears.

I hate this. Whenever I get overwhelmed by my emotions, I would start tearing up.

What should I do? What should I do? Is it too late to say sorry? I want to apologize. I really didn’t mean to hurt her. Should I go after her? I probably should, shouldn’t I?

I stop walking.

I found myself staring at a window where the field is seen in the landscape. I instinctively looked at the place where she’s always at. Tennis court.

I went outside the building and walked through the campus onto the tennis court.

She’s always hard working. I kinda envy that. Even though she’s not as talented as her other members at first, she never gave in to their beatings and continued to become better until she became the best.

But for me? I’m still stuck here. Being the guy who tries to help people that needs helping. I’m always thinking about myself, because I’m a hypocrite.

“Hiro?” Someone called my name.

I look up to see who it is. It’s Kaito.

“You okay, man? You look like a mess.”

“Did you— did you know about it?” I asked.

“Nah, but I can guess who it is. This isn’t the first, y’know.” he sat beside me on the ground because I was already on the ground.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m like this because it’s not the first.”

“……Like I told you last time, everyone doesn’t need saving. Just because you see the good in every person doesn’t mean you need to make other people understand that. You can’t please everyone.” he pats me on my shoulder.

I stay quiet and wait for his next advice.

“If you value the friendship you have with Hana, then don’t force your ideals on her. She’s already dealing with a lot of stuff on her own, the least we can do is being there when she needs us the most.”

“I know……...”

Everything he had said, I know it. I’ve heard it already. I just can’t apply it. I know it, but just knowing it doesn’t make it better. I need to work this out on my own.

“I wish that things are easier.” I said.

“Me too.”

We sat on the ground looking at the empty field for a long time.

The next day came.

I woke up as usual, ate breakfast, changed into my uniform and headed to school. The words that Kaito said was still ringing in my head, ‘you can’t please everyone.’

The day was normal……. yeah, the day was normal.

“I have a question.” I asked Hinata.

It’s currently lunch time and we were both eating together with some of his friends in the courtyard.

He knew who this is about.

“Yeah? What is it?”

His friends were having their own conversation. Laughing and messing around was their usual routine. I ignored them.

“Why do you hate Hana? Or do you actually hate Hana?” I asked wanting to end this confusion. Depending on his answer, I will have to make a hard choice.

“……… I—kinda.”

“What do you mean?”

“………. sigh, let’s not talk about it right now.” he took a bite from the sandwich he bought in the convenience store earlier.

“Sure.”

I still don’t get it. Why? From what I know, he doesn’t treat anyone like that, except Hana. It’s as if he’s always aware of her. These are the times I wish I was as smart as Yuri; she would’ve solve this by now.

The bell rang, indicating the end of lunch.

As I went back to my class, almost everyone was preparing for the next class. The mid-term exam is a week from now, but my mind is occupied by another.

Hana was in the classroom too, talking with a group of girls. I know most of the girls she’s talking to, I’ve talked to one of them when we were cleaning the class after school. Sako-san.

Of course, Hana avoided me like yesterday.

That reaction really hurts you know.

The class went on normally………

By the end of the day, I was more exhausted than I’ve ever been before. I couldn’t really concentrate in class. All I did was write the notes that the teachers said would be on the exam and decided to study it later at home.

I stopped by the convenience store with Hinata and bought some refreshments: ice cream.

“She reminds me of my brother.” Hinata suddenly said something random.

“Huh?” I stopped eating my ice cream.

“Your question from earlier. That’s my answer.”

“You mean during lunch?”

“Yeah.”

“……… can you repeat the answer again?” I chuckled.

“Because Hana reminds me of what I hate about my brother.”

“Oh………” as I said that the words of Kaito from yesterday came up again, ‘you can’t please everybody.’ I decided to take risk.

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” I declared.

He was confused.

“I value my relationship with Hana than I do with yours. It just took a lot of time to know that.”

I’ve been thinking about this all night. Like what should I do with Hinata and Hana? I already did my best to try them to get along better, but none of it seemed to work. It’s probably because I know Hana longer than I do with Hinata that I prioritize her more. You can say I’m bias, but that’s okay for me. I might be making a big mistake, but there’s a part of me that is more afraid to lose Hana.

I wanted to help Hana at first, because I always saw her alone, but she wanted to be alone. She distanced herself from others on purpose, but as I kept talking to her, she became brighter. She smiled more, laughed more, cracked jokes and started to be more social, I thought that my job was done, even though I didn’t do much to help her. So, I turned the other direction and helped another. But I that’s not how friendships works. That’s what a therapist is for, and I wasn’t her therapist.

“W—wait, you serious?” Hinata bewilderedly said.

“Yes, I am. If you aren’t going to change on how you treat her, then I don’t think I can be friends with you anymore.”

“Hey, what do you mean by that?”

“I know you’re a good person, but I just can’t seem to— if keep being friends with you, I will ruin my relationship with the friends I value most. Hana just so happens to be one of the most important ones.”

He was silent.

“It was good knowing you. I hope you can fix your family too.” I said as I left.

That was the end of my friendship with Hinata Yoshikawa.

I started to walk home.

Did I do the right thing? Is it really better to end it there? What if he isn’t able to fix his family? He needed my help, he opened up to me about his struggles and asked for my help, but I ended up pushing him away. What kind of a friend I am……… but I value my relationship more with Hana. We’ve been through a lot more. But still…….

As I was in deep thought, I was called over.

“Hiro.” Hana called me over.

She was behind the convenience store. Her eyes were shining because it’s a little bit wet.

“Wha—” before I could say anything, she gave me a hug. A very tight one.

“Thank you and I’m sorry too.” she whispered under my clothes.

Her arms were around my neck. I could feel her soft chest pressing tightly against my.

Now’s not the time!

I was confused on the situation, but I didn’t hate it. Does this mean we finally made up? I’m so glad!

She hold on to me for a long time. This was the first time she has hugged me, so I didn’t know what to do. Then I accidentally found her scent very pleasing to my nose.

I’m not a pervert! Because this is the first time a girl has ever touched me this much before!

She quickly lets go of me after some time.

“Sorry!” her eyes where red and she still had some snot on her nose. She wipes it off with the handkerchief that I gifted her many years ago.

“Uh, don’t worry about it didn’t bother me.” I was flustered.

Why’re you getting turned on right now?! Cursed this dangling meat of mine!

An awkward silence was found after our hug.

“…….. sorry, I was about to buy something in the store, but I saw you two were in front of the entrance.” she tucked some of her messy hair behind her ear, my chest felt warm, “But then I heard you said my name.”

I smiled, “Honestly, there was a part of me that wanted you to hear that.”

She chuckles, “Isn’t that embarrassing?”

“Hm? No, why would it be. I just said the truth.”

She grins.

Her eyes were still red. Now her cheek and ears are getting red also.

“You want some ice cream? I still have extra left.” I showed her the plastic bag that I bought in the store. I was going to save it for later, but I guess it’s better to give it to her.

“Thanks, I’ll take one.” I gave her one. I still have three more because I bought a whole box of ice cream. I earlier gave one for myself and Hinata.

She cut it in half and offer me the other.

“You can have them both, I still have—”

“Just take!” she gets the ice cream closer to me.

I take her offer and we ate the ice cream behind the store.