Kine had decided to be present for this. It was a go0d precaution considering he had somehow shielded himself and others when I’d lost control with my uncle. It was late evening the next day and we had gathered in a guest suit of Kines mansion, very close to my rooms. Seth was fast asleep in his bed, his guards close at hand but I still didn't like leaving him. Which was kind of stupid, it wasn't as if this was anything new. When we were with the Myath, Seth often wandered off to play with the other children or explore by himself and I never worried. I knew someone would be keeping an eye on him and Itrusted that he was safe. The Myath were generally very alert anyway but our children were always a priority. I realised that I didn't entirely trust all this yet, despite the bonds I was building.

Healer Roake and Healer Amaya were both present. Despite my concerns, Healer Amaya was very kind and friendly. We often ended up laughing together, at least when our sessions were over. We’d only had three appointments but already her expertise in transference had helped me deal with the emotional overload I hadn’t realised I was suffering. Funnily enough, I never got her House name. Whenever I probed, she’d always say “just Amaya”.

The Healers had set up monitoring equipment and a prototype machine designed to mimic a mental shield... just in case. I was glad for the precautions. All the guards, including Lazot's, the King's and mine, were outside the suit both to maintain privacy and reduce the damages if something went wrong.

“So, here’s the plan,” Healer Amaya said. “Lord Greer and Lady Den will get comfortable on the majlis and we’ll connect you up to the monitoring equipment. Lady Den will init-”

“Amaya, why are you being to formal?” I asked in confusion.

Amaya grinned at me, the mischievous sparkle in her eye. “I just thought it’d add a little gravitas. What you didn't like it?”

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the smile. “I think we’ll all feel better if we keep it as relaxed as possible. But good try.”

Amaya gave a put out sigh and pouted prettily. “If you say so fluffy. Now, as I was saying, once Lazot and Sierra are comfy, Sierra will initiate a mind link with Lazot. We’ll take it nice and slow and make sure the link is stable. Just to remind you both that the nanites will assist in the mental link and this could result in a weak bond. If you don’t maintain it, the bond will break in a very short time but, should you so desire, this weak bond can be a good foundation for forming a kin bond, should you wish. If you already have a kin bond, it will strengthen it and any severance will have a bigger impact. Something to think about.” She barely paused before continuing. “Now once you have a stable link, Sierra will parcel up the required memories. We’ve done a lot of work on stabilising these specific memories in case they are needed for the trial. They were the clearest of everything that has been transferred anyway but, Sierra, I want you to bracket the transferred memories with your own memories of that event. This will make it even more stable and hopeful1y prevent any rogue images or sounds slipping in. Okay?”

Lazot and I both nodded. I had made it clear to Lazot that the other times I’d shared this memory had been dangerous and distressing but he was still determined, even after I’d had Kine talk with him. This time, I shouldn’t experience the memories as if they were my own. I’d worked hard on gaining control of the transferred information and disentangling them from my own perspective. It should be like watching a vid to Lazot too, though some sensation may bleed through. Mother was so weak during the transference, it all sort of rushed out of her. There were no guarantees and, if anything happened to Lazot, I’d be down a powerful ally and royally screwed. Fudgey-Dingle Bats.

I looked at Lazot. He nodded and closed his eyes. Guess we were doing this. I took a deep breath and closed my own eyes. I took a minute to settle the last of my nerves then began. Trying to describe the process would be pointless, its different every time. Even now, the mind is somewhat of a mystery. Fluid and unique, not just to individuals, but to each experience to0. Sometimes colours dominated, though I wasn’t really seeing them. Sometimes sounds, again not really hearing them. Sometimes, there was nothing and I thought I’d failed the exercise, only to open my eyes and find I’d completed the little transfer of info perfectly. In your mind, you are everything, your success and failure, your strength and your weakness. So I just focused. I ordered the nanites to find Lazot's nanites and create a transfer link. Almost immediately they pinged me a confirmation. Then It thought about creating the packet. Feeling suddenly a little whimsical, I imagined it as one of those traditional, brightly wrapped presents, with my own, stable memories as the wrapping paper and box and mum's slightly wobbly memories, like jelly, as the contents. Before all of Amaya’s help, if I had to try and interpret them, I’d say that mum's memories were like a caged savage something, straining against the bars. Jelly was a definite improvement.

I waited another moment, not rushing and just letting my little packaged present sit happily. When I was sure that nothing was going to break, explode or disintegrate, Icarefully nudged the packet to my nanites to send along the link. Lazot would take it from there. It zipped away and, when I was sure it was gone, I relaxed and sunk into the majlis, eyes still closed. I’d done it.

A gasp from Lazot had me sitting up straight like a bolt, slightly disorientated and frantically searching the room. Lazot was still across from me, eyes close and tears streamed down his face. He shook a little and I was worried he was going into neural-shock but Amaya and Roake were looking intently at the monitors and seemed calm, just waiting. I leaned close to Lazot but stopped short of touching him, looking back to Kine, but he too was calm. He eased over to me and gave my cheek a little bump with his head. I smiled a thank you and relaxed. I felt a little too tired for a mental link with him, otherwise I’d have asked how long it had been. For now we just waited. I never to0k my eyes off Lazot.

***

Lazot gasped and his eyes flew open. He was breathing heavily and his vision blurred by the tears running unchecked down his face. My mate. My friend. He looked, finally, to the young cub before him. She may be of age but she had not been through maturity. How she had suffered. She and Seth were all that was left of his Feenya. Lazot could admit that the last two years had been agonising, frustrating and generally horrendous but when word had come of his son, he’d barley let himself hope. His suspicions had been growing and to then be faced with a young Kuthar, Legari to his son...

But he’d been wrong. She was just as afraid to lose Seth as he was, and even more scared about what would happen to her. Already he’d begun to see her as kin but this... she’d entered his heart and it was breaking for her, for Feenya, for himself.

His king leaned forward and rested a hand on is shoulder. “Lazot. Are you well?” He blinked and nodded. The Healers were fussing with instruments, already reeling off questions at him but he just stared at Sierra.

“How was the experience”

“Did you feel any discomfort”

“What did you learn? Was anything missing?”

“Lazot can you still speak?”

“Of course he can speak! It wouldn’t affect his speech centre!!”

He cleared his throat which was tight and spoke in a croak. “I’m so sorry Sierra. So sorry.”

The room went silent.

“There. I told you he could speak!!”

***

We all looked at Amaya, incredul0us. Sometimes, that woman...

“Amaya!! Not the right time!!” Kine exclaimed. If I hadn’t been staring into Lazot's pain filled eyes, I might have laughed. Suddenly, Lazot launches across the space between us. I tense, the urge to fight or evade warring within until all I can do is freeze. He has a powerful build, the attack will hurt. He seems to be going for a grip around my neck, it will be hard if all his weight is over me, I’m not strong enough to shift him. I’ll have to-

My thoughts cut off as I realise I’m nestled into a warm, gentle embrace. I can feel a wet patch on my head where Lazot has rested his cheek. Slowly, I relax into his arms and together we grieve silently. I hear the shuffle of feet and assume the others are giving us space but I don’t care right now. I felt a bond, gossamer thin that I hadn’t noticed till now, thicken and grow between us. Different to the bond we shared through Seth. This felt... clearer and held comfort and... safety. I hadn’t felt that for a long time. I didn’t want to move but worry niggled at me.

“How do you bear it Sierra?”

Lazot’s voice was so low, I barely heard him. I closed my eyes, trying to find an answer. “I suppose for a long time, I had no choice. I learned to realise that it’s not my pain.”

“But you witnessed it, experienced it as your own and you know it was real for her. For your mother. How do you not get eaten alive by this?”

I sigh. “Living the way I do, I’ve seen the worst of people from all walks of life. I was sheltered from it as much as possible but I still saw. After witnessing all that, trying to understand the causes and the consequences, I believe the greatest pain doesn’t come from the injuries, the trauma, the betrayal, it’s the hate, the bitterness, the revenge that hurts you the most. Pain ends, wounds heal but if you don’t let go of the bad experiences, they fester inside you and eat you from the inside out. If you hold on to that, it hurts you, controls you for far longer than the original wounds. Living with mum's memories? I try to forgive. Forgive House Kuthar for their actions, forgive mum for losing control, forgive myself for not being able to save her. I fail a lot. And even though it was an accident, what happened with my uncle didn’t help. I don’t feel better that he experienced the hurt he inflicted. Mum and Dad are still dead, Seth and I are stil1 in danger from House Kuthar. I could have hurt Seth. I could have hurt Kine and his guards would have retaliated against me. It doesn’t change what is and I doubt my uncle has changed because of it. But if I can forgive him, I can be free of him.”

“So you just let him off?”

I snort and sort of not laugh. “Of course not. That’s not what forgiveness is. He’s in jail. Someone will deal with his crimes but I will not let him continue to hurt me and those I love by giving him anymore thought.” Lazot doesn’t respond. “Are you alright?” I mumbled into his chest but there was no response. “Lazot?” I pulled away from his hug. At first he resisted but then his arms dropped to rest on my hips. Icanthie are so touchy feely. I’m gonna have to adjust to that. I was just about to call his name again when he finally spoke up.

“I feel tired... but I’m alright. Sierra, I don’t think there are any words for... what I just saw. Felt. I’m not sure I can forgive like you said. I-“

“It’s okay Lazot. You’ve just experienced a lot all at once. Take a rest. Besides, forgiveness doesn’t happen instantly, it takes work. I’m still working on it! Just take it one day at a time.” I leaned back before calling over to the small group across the room. “Amaya!! Come and check on Lazot.”

Both healers and Kine approached. While the healers busily took readings with their devices, Kine studied Lazot critically. I had to admit, he still looked a little shaken. Kine and I exchanged worried l0oks.

“They... want my son and she didn’t know who to trust... she didn’t...”

“She trusted you Lazot. And one of her sisters but that’s wasn’t enough. She had to leave The Capital. Something scared her.”

Lazot looked at me, slightly more composed but a new sadness was in his eyes. “She was scared of her House and what they were doing. She didn’t want me implicated in House Kuthar treason, nor endangered by being seen to side with her, so she left. Seth was safer away from here.”

Pain spiked in my head and a memory surged forward. Treason. I clutched my head but it was gone as soon as it came. Treason. “Kine!!” I turned to him, worry and panic clawing at my insides. “They want to kill you. They want a leader like them.”

“Sierra breathe. Stay calm. I’m fine. I’m fine.” I took deep breaths, realising that once again, this panic wasn’t all mine. When I was calmer Kine continued. “I’m already taking precautions but, with this, I can be extra alert. Try to calm the memory, these may not be your feelings.” Kine moves forward to rest a hand on my shoulder.

“Of course they’re my feelings. I don’t want to lose my kin again Kine... But you're right, panicking won’t help matters.” I looked into his eyes so he could see how serious I was. “We need to know what they are up to so we can keep you and the ruling triangle safe. As far as I understand it, the system can’t be fooled or corrupted. It’s designed to create the best leadership for a fair society.”

Kine smiled at me, scratching behind my ear. “Like I said, I’m taking precautions.” He frowned and turned away before turning back to face us. “The problem is, that might be what they want me to do. Then they can either get in when I check the systems or accuse me of the treason they are guilty of.”

Lazot seemed to have recovered and chimed into our conversation. “I’m not sure they’re smart enough to consider that. They’re too arrogant but we shouldn’t make the same mistake. We need to figure out who we can trust and build a defence to this movement. I’ll begin scrutinising my House.”

“I may know of some from House Kuthar who may be trustworthy. And I have contacts in other nations. I doubt House Kuthar want contact outside of Icanthie lands but I’ll see if they know anything.”

Kine and Lazot looked uncomfortable. “This is Icanthie business. I’m not sure we should show our vulnerabilities to other nations.”

I sighed. “Kine, you can’t afford to be inward looking. You may find that you have allies out there who believe in the values you believe in. Besides, you want to get the truth out there before House Kuthar and their band of traitors move and put out their story. And if the systems are compromised, it won’t just affect us. All the systems are connected.”

Still they stayed quiet, looking conflicted.

“Just consider it at least. You're right that we shouldn’t act too quickly. The longer my family remain unsure of what we know, the better.”

They nodded and we all went quiet. I, for one, was suddenly really tired and I would be surprised if Lazot felt the same. Kine looked like he was itching to go and fix. The Healers had disappeared into the other room, enthusiastical1y discussing their data.

Kine seemed to emerge from his thoughts and took one look at Lazot and I. “It’s late. I think you too should get some rest. Lazot, this suit is for you, stay as long as you need.”

Lazot grunted before heaving himself up and looking wearily around for the bed. I got up and hovered close to him, unsure what to do. Having found the door to the bedroom, Lazot turned back around and wrapped me into another hug, briefer that’s the first.

“Sierra, may I have breakfast with you and Seth in the morning?”

Through the bond, I felt warmth and trepidation. I smiled wide and nodded enthusiastically. Lazot smiled back sleepily and gently butted my head before dragging himself off to bed, patting Kine on the shoulder as he passed. I just managed to call out “Rest well” before he was gone with a tired grunt of acknowledgement. That memory really did knock him out.

“Come on, Sierra, I’ll walk you to your door.”

***

Patiently Accept All Things

When you grow up with the Myath, you have to accept a lot. It is what it’s is. The world is too big to try to change by myself and we were too busy surviving to try... but I sometimes wish it was different.

Had a good talk with Lazot today. The transfer of the memories was a success (thank goodness) but he’s understandably very upset. He handled it okay but I don’t know what will happen. I’m scared he’ll want to kill my aunt and uncle and that it will change him. I’ve learned that Lazot is powerful, loyal to Kine and, under his stern Head of House role, kind and gentle. I don’t want him to be hardened by bitterness. We talked a lot and it made me think again about what I can’t change. Mum and Dad are still dead. I’m still a Myath. Seth is still a House scion. Mum's House has done unspeakable things. I am a ward of the King. I am in The Capital. The Myath are missing one of their leaders. I have to accept these things. Getting angry, upset, or anxious won’t change any of this. All I can to is accept it and plan what to do next, taking each of these things into account. So... what do I do now?

I put down my scribe and closed my journal with a small sigh. Normally, writing helps me process things but my mind was still a little busy so, once I was sure everything was safely put away, I walked out onto the balcony. It was late but the view was still amazing and the moon shone bright.

I shouldn’t be surprised at this unsettled feeling, so much was going on, so many new things to absorb and process and I missed the routine of my life with the Myath. It may have been dangerous and there was a great deal of responsibility on my shoulders, but at least I knew what I was doing. I had been raised to it and now, here in The Capital, I felt lost and oddly childlike.

The Icanthie don’t consider me an adult because I’ve not gone through maturity but I’ve been an adult for a long time with responsibilities and... I suppose I don’t have much to do here. I needed a routine. We’d been here long enough to settle in and I was reassured about how the relationship with Lazot would work. Now I needed to decide what I would do here. One thing I really wanted was to make sure my skills didn’t deteriorate. No matter what happened, I needed to be able to retake my role with the Myath without a moments notice. I needed to train. Regularly.

Speaking of which, I’m so relieved the transference went well! It felt like I had finally conquered something in myself. The exercises with Amaya were good but sometimes, it’s hard to tell when you're making progress. After today, I felt like I didn’t have to fear unwittingly hurting someone anymore. It took a weight off my mind, literally and figuratively. I’m all too aware that House Kuthar could have used my lack of control to either punish me or gain control of me. They’d be crazy to try to outmanoeuvre the King but I was beginning to think that there was more to it. Every House played some politics but House Kuthar were showing themselves to be too reckless, too extreme. There’s something else going on.

I looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful night, the scattered stars winking down at me. I felt the smooth stone of the railing beneath my hands and listened to the rustle of wings. Wings? I looked around but couldn’t see anything in the dim moon light until a small bird landed next to my hand.

I instantly smiled. It was a unique bird, hard to identify but striking all the same. I stayed very still and it hopped a little closer and tilted its head, staring at me from one black eye. We stayed like that, just watching each other for a while but I was getting tired and wanted to sit down. So, slowly, I stepped back into the shadows and found somewhere to rest. Thankfully, the balcony of the royal suite came with outside cushions, very soft and very comfy. The bird would either leave or stay but I hoped I didn’t scare it off.

The little bird observed me closely then hopped forward again. The smart little thing was being cautious and I highly approved.

Eventually, the little bird hopped a little closer but something dropped to the floor. It was only a slight noise, barely there, but the little bird flitted away and I lost sight of him. Looking down, I just saw something in the half light and reached down to pick it up. A small sigh escaped me. It was late but somehow, I doubt I’d sleep anytime soon.