[Don't] Fear the Dragon!

Numbered Numbers

"Hear me, dragon, for I have foiled your traps and entered your lair! Behold, I come equipped with the Scale Slicer, a sword sharp enough to slice scales!" I was already rolling my eyes from behind my closed lids, hearing the stupid human speak, who had woken me from my sleep. "Your existence was born from evil, and your presence spreads terror. I shall smite you... and return peace to the world!"

This shit again? I huffed and groaned and grumbled into the sudden entry of consciousness. My limbs and torso wanted to stretch and twist, but I knew that I might actually smack this asshole by mistake. The last time that happened, I'd sent a knight flying with an accidental punch. He flew from the cave all the way back to a nearby village.

I was thankful he landed on a soft hill of pig manure.

I debated about falling back asleep. The dumbass had come by himself. If I had to guess, some blacksmith had made another wager. Charge a guy double for a sword because it's been enchanted by a sharpness rune. Promise it's enough to slay even a dragon. The blacksmith would do it himself—but all of his adventuring days are behind him and all that.

If you can kill the dragon, you can keep its hoard, sell its body, and he'll even give you the gold back for the sword. Many died to other dragons that way. And that son of a bitch blacksmith could get rid of surplus swords at a hell of a deal.

"I am the one chosen to defeat you!"

Or it could be one of those chosen on nutjobs. The kind that stands in the sunlight a little too long, and it fries something important inside their heads. It's ironic because they tend to do some pretty crazy shit—thinking they're special and all that. It somehow, most of the time, works out.

The other side never expects the crazy shit. And these people, with complete faith in themselves, tend to do some pretty amazing stuff. All those successes, of course, fuel their insanity. And then they reach the full-blown arrogance of thinking they can tackle a dragon one versus one.

And it's usually seconds before they die that they realise that everything had been a fluke.

In either case—falling back asleep wasn't an option. His sword wasn't enchanted for shit. But it was probably sharp enough to give a paperclip a run for its money. He'd spend the day running across and around my body, trying to find a decent place to stab. For some odd reason, humans seemed to think we had weak points.

A 'stick in here for instant death' kind of shit.

So it was time to wake up. I opened my maw to speak—but a sudden yawn passed through me. Screams squeaked from below as the thunder of my breath softened.

"Ack! The great beast roars poisonous fumes!"

My eyes opened and rolled, and steam trailed out from my snout as I looked down at the action figure dressed in shitty metal. "Okay, first of all, fuck you, dragon or human, I don't care, they're going to have shitty breath right away."

The knight pinched his nose and waved away the 'toxic' air. "Nothing so foul as this!"

"What the fuck did you expect a dragon's breath to smell like? Are they creating fucking mints my size nowadays? I eat cows and wildlife. I have to drink from lakes which could have whatever the fuck in it! What would you expect a mouth to smell like after that."

The knight spat to the side. "Your breath is an attack, and no excuse can justify that fact."

"You kiddin' me!? I'm not even poisonous!" I touched a claw at the scales of my chest, which spread and flexed as they defined my shape. "Green scales. Not purple. Purple scales are the ones that do poison and all that."

"I do not believe you."

"Okay! How about these, then?” I opened my mouth to reveal my fangs, saliva lacing them. “They're white. You wanna know why they're white? Because I brush them. And then I floss them. You tell me one other dragon that knows the mixture for mouthwash in these lands."

The knight looked at me like he was baffled, and in truth, I couldn't blame him. I wasn't an ordinary dragon. Hell, I wasn't even a dragon a month or some time ago.

"Grr! None of your mind tricks!" His eyes brightened as he hoisted his sword at my great size. "Ah-ha! That is it! You are the dragon with the serpent's tongue!"

My brows knitted together. “We all have forked tongues.”

"What I mean is that you tell lies! That you confuse the mind!" He laughed as though seeing through another trap. "You defeat people by speaking! By having them think and possibly do horrible things."

"Horrible like what?" I had to ask. "Convincing people like you to leave me the hell alone?"

"Indeed! Such a cruel fate to impose on a hero!"

"And why's that?"

"Because a hero isn't a hero unless he's helping good and defeating evil!" I never really trusted anyone who calls themselves a hero. It's like calling yourself a good person. Something always feels off when you do it. "And second... if left alone, you would go out and do terrible things!"

"Like what?"

"Like... like... like eating people."

I shook my head. "I don't do that."

His mouth opened, and his shoulders dropped. He gave me the most confused expression that I'd ever seen on a person. It was as though his view of the world, as he had known it, was crumbling where the pieces were the most important. "Y-You... you don't eat people?"

"No."

He looked left and then right, rubbing his neck, twisting a foot in the ground, struggling to... exist at that precise moment. Then he looked at me without anger, a withheld fury. It was the first time sincerity flooded through his voice. "But aren't you supposed to?"

I shut an eye. "Why would I?"

"Well, y-y'know, c-cause you're a dragon and... stuff."

"First of all," I started, "labelling is very shitty for someone's character. Especially one touting themselves as a hero and all that." I nodded at my own words. "I mean. You've got kids and people looking up to you. You don't want to be setting the wrong examples, do you?"

"I-I... guess?"

"And second," I went on. "Why would I even eat people to begin with? You guys don't weigh much. Even the giants among you wouldn't equate to an egg to me. It wouldn't matter if I even ate a full village of you people. It wouldn't do anything. It's just a waste."

The hero looked down at his feet as he seemed to be considering this.

"And there's more hassle in it anyways." I held up the palm of my claw in defence. "Don't get me wrong. Some dragons out there like to eat people, toy with them in their stomachs, and mock those related to them so they can have a little bit of entertainment. But that's not for me."

"It's not?"

"Duh! I eat a human, then some other human comes after me, and when I deal with that human, there's more to deal with." I planted my massive claw back onto the ground. "I would never get left the fuck alone if I did that. I eat a flock of sheep or cows? I don't have to deal with one of their brothers wanting vengeance."

The hero's sword clattered on the ground, and he sat on the soil, weighed by my words.

"But... but..." He craned his head to the right and looked at my treasure of gold. "You steal, don't you? I mean, what's the point of a hoard of treasure and jewels to ones unable to spend it?"

"Ahhh!" I looked up at the ceiling as I realised that none of the other dragons had let the humans in on their ploys. "You'll have to blame the great grandfather of dragons for that one. He figured you humans would be pests. That you would somehow unlock a greatness that would ruin us."

I scratched the frills growing across my jaw. "Problem is... humans, apparently, were more like rats back then. They were good at hiding. The dragons apparently got sick of trying to track you guys down. So they started spreading rumours that sleeping dragons actually housed great treasures."

The hero gazed up at me. "You're shitting me."

"No, like, seriously." I nodded in encouragement. "Give it some thought. Everyone wants treasure. Someone tells you sleeping dragons actually have a hoard of the stuff. And they 'sleep' for decades, sometimes. Everyone thinks they'll be the one to pull the job off."

The hero processed this.

"Some people questioned it. But, hey! Dragons are stupid. They like shiny things. So they collect the shiny things." I waved a talon in the air. "Think about that. All these humans really thought that we hoarded treasure because it was shiny. Sure enough, the thieves came, and the dragons thinned the population without having to leave their lairs."

"Huh," the hero exhaled. “That is pretty genius.”

"I know, right!"

He blinked. "But how come you're doing it, then?"

"Oh, that." I bounced my head from side to side, nearly knocking it against the curved sides of the cave. The place was tiny. And soon, I would have to go looking for somewhere else. "Problem is dragons actually aren't all that better than humans. The treasure had zero value to us. But then one dragon would say that his hoard was bigger than another, so the second would collect more than the first."

I breathed. "And then the first would get pissed off, so he would beat the shit out of the second, then he would take his hoard for himself. Then a third dragon would come in, beat the first while he was weak, and then he would have the biggest hoard... until two dragons tag-teamed him."

My head dropped to the ground. "Then those two would fight each other, and the story goes on, as you know." I pointed to the hoard behind me. "I keep enough to avoid being mocked by the other dragons, but not to the point that any of them would think it would be worth robbing me for it. That's the reason you only have me in your lands."

The hero reached for his sword. "Are there others like you?"

I looked to the opening of the cave, the sprawling land beyond it, the kingdom and castle perched before the shoreline. I searched my memory for all those I had met so far during my time here. "None exactly like me—though that's for a different reason altogether. As for dragons like me? Uh... you have a few cool ones. But even they're a bit edgy."

The hero returned his sword onto his back. "Then there is still a purpose to my life."

"Huh?"

The hero turned away. "You had me worried that all dragons were secretly like you. I could feel my shoulders burdened by a moral quandary." He looked back at me from over his shoulders. "For you see, it's my desire to become a dragon slayer. But such hope would have vanished if most dragons were like you."

I blinked. "I... don't think that was the resolution I was trying to instil in you."

"I normally would have said for you to live well, dragon." The hero reached the exit. "But regardless of who you are, what you are is something born from vileness. So all I can say is that... that you die well, someday soon."

What fucking asshole.

"Yeah, uh, you too, bud."

The hero nodded to me as he left.

I shook my head, crossed my arms, and returned to sleep.

Fucking humans.

"Awaken and arrive! Answer the ringing of our bell... and accept our sacrifice!"

Aw... for fuck's sakes. My eyes opened, and I stretched in my cave, thrashing my body against the cavern's walls. Rocks and grain crumbled from around, and the various gasps beyond thought this was probably my rage.

It didn't take me long to wake up this time.

I crawled out of my cave and leaned myself over the ledge. Below was the pathing built into the mountainside that led into my home. Far below, in the open, grassy fields, a flock of people had arrived. In the centre of them was a stake on wheels.

A man was tied to it.

Not this shit again.

"Come!" One stepped away from the group, a leader dressed in a mix of black and white. "it is the second of the month, and we have kept good on our faith!"

Faith? Aw, shit. Did the dragon before me strike a pact with the people of this kingdom? Bring me a sacrifice on the second of every month... or else! Damn. Sometimes, us dragons were as bad as those humans.

I shouted down at them. "And what is this, again, exactly?"

The leader blinked. "I-It is our pact! When it comes time for us to die, it is you who will carry us to the proper beyond!"

How fuck do these people believe in such vague shit so easily? I didn't want to shake my head or groan. Anything that would give myself away and create further problems. But still. I had to investigate this shit more.

"And what were the terms of our deal?"

The leader looked back at his followers in confusion.

It took seconds for that confusion to vanish, however, as they all whispered that this might have been some sort of test. Humans loved to be tested. I don't know why. Perhaps they needed to be validated by something beyond themselves? To prove themselves to something greater?

It felt wrong to appear as more than a lazy dragon.

"Ah! Our pact! To be remembered in perfect clarity—lest we offend you, or the ones in the beyond!" The leader coughed into his fist before spreading his arms out. "On the second every month, we are to take one from our group, and offer their existence to your stomach!"

We get you to eat people.

Seriously. The people of this world hid so much behind their vague language.

"We must admit... it's been hard, this last year, offering you those who were close to us." The leader's hands fell back to his sides. Winds blew over the grass. "Many we loved and lived the most of our lives with. It's the hardest at the end of the month. Getting everyone to decide and agree to whom we will use to power the device inside your belly."

Device in my belly? What the fuck did the dragon before me promise them!

Then it clicked! This bastard, bored sitting in his cave and raging the occasional hell, had wanted entertainment. I mean, I get it. Being powerful is boring. You have to find ways to spice things up in a different way.

But this fucking bastard managed to convince a cult that they had to sacrifice one of their people every month! He probably watched it like a fucking reality T.V show, too. The fights. The arguments. People sabotage each other. Siding with one person only to be betrayed by another.

Without T.V, these dragons had to go out there and create their own drama and shows!

"Thankfully, we managed to come to an easy decision." The leads expressed a hand to the man on the stake. "This thief tried to rob us. We relented and said he would be released if he said the joining words." He smacked one hand into another. "Then we boinked his head, tied him up, and brought him here! Is that still serviceable for you?"

The leader pointed to a lady beside him. "If not, Teresia agreed to be devoured this time around."

Teresia happily waved at me. "Hello!"

My eyes opened to impossible size as my mouth opened. Drool dripped from my maw, and a splash washed across the grass below. Many cheered at this unintentional act.

"Hurray! The dragon is hungry! What a blessing it is to be swallowed whole!"

"Swallowed whole!"

"Swallowed whole!"

God damn it.

The man on the stake shook as he came awake. He tried for his hands but found them to be strapped. He was wrapped to the wood and unable to move. Looking around, he saw the people surrounding him. "What the fuck?"

Then he looked up and saw a massive, hulking dragon peering down at him from a great distance above. He rattled in his entrapment and started to scream. "WHAT THE FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! GET THE FUCK OUT! WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUT!"

He glared at the people. "There's a fucking dragon! Move! Go! Go, go, go!"

Someone slapped him.

"Does this sacrifice work, dragon?"

"Sacrifice!" The man repeated in a shout. "Oh, hell no. Fuck no! Fuck no, and fuck all of you!" He glared up at me. "And fuck you the most, you fucking scaly, dragon bastard."

My head recoiled at the verbal assault. "Hey, fuck you!"

I knew he was in a fucked-up state, which causes everyone to do shit they regret—but still, I had to speak up for myself. The man looked at me, confused. As though a dragon never told him right back to fuck off instead.

"If this sacrifice will not suffice," the leader said as he drew a sword from his side, bringing its tip to the prisoner's throat, "then we can kill him and offer Teresia instead."

Teresia happily waved to me again. "Hello!"

I weakly waved back with a mighty claw. "Uh, hi."

She blushed, giggled, and hid her face in her palms.

Fuck me.

"Are you kidding me right now!" The prisoner thrust back and forth in his bindings, unable to break free of the chains. "She's into it! Take the one that's into it! Unless you like it when people aren't into it, because in that case… aw, fuck!"

The pointed blade poked his throat. "Enough of your struggles!" The leader looked back at me. "Now, will this offering suffice, or should I do away with him?!"

I opened my mouth and coughed. This could go horribly, horribly wrong. This happens when you don't keep tabs on the dragon's whose spot you stole. You can't expect to fuck off when others still have an agenda with you.

And if anything bad were to happen here...

...my conscience would not let me rest easily.

Is it bad that I don't actually have morals... but just don't want to be troubled by them?

I thought about this carefully.

Then acted.

"Thank you, u-uh, for this offering!" I began without a plan. "It suffices! And, more than that, after this, I, ah, w-won't be needing anymore!" I coughed into my forearm. "This sacrifice will be the final one to complete our contract! From here on out, I will carry your souls to the beyond!"

The crowd cheered.

"Aw." Teresia slouched and walked away. "Shucks."

Fucking humans.

"Fuck you!" the prisoner shouted.

I held up my claws in surrender, lowering them each time I spoke a word, as though talking in a strange morse code to the guy. I was hoping to convince him to tag along. "No, no. Fuck you."

"Fuck that!" he replied. "I'm fucking spiting you if I'm going down."

"No," I put a special inflection in my voice, waving my palms toward the crowd around him. “Fuck you.”

He arched an eyebrow. "Fuck... them?"

They turned and looked at him. I slapped a claw over my face—forced to play recovery. "No. Fuck you. I'm going to take you and devour you elsewhere."

The leader narrowed his face to me. "But you always devour them before us."

What? Did these get off to me eating people? Or was it because they had to see so many loved ones die that they expected to have to do so until the finish line? In either case—it didn't matter. "This time will be different. To finish the pact, I'll have to do the special deed alone." I spread out my wings. "Everyone prepare!"

I entered a dive over the edge, falling toward the crowd, pulling my wings up at the last second, collecting the platform in the curl of my foot. Then I flew away from the crew. I checked over my shoulder as they stood there, confused. Wondering if anything holy would happen to them in the next few seconds.

"You better not eat me."

"Of course I'm not going to fucking eat you."

"Then bring me back."

"To what? The craziest cultists that were going to sacrifice you one way or another."

“I live in that area.”

"Did you want to die in that area?"

"Better than being eaten by a dragon!"

"I'm not going to fucking eat you!"

I sighed as I laid back against the mountainside, forced to deal with the person I released on the natural ledge formed to the side of my face. I'd gathered that his name was Tom. That he went into thieving to make ends meet. And then nearly met his end today.

"So what do you want from me, beast?"

"First of all, I have a name, you fucking prick." I narrowed a giant eye on him. "Why do all of you do that? Beast. Demon. Monster. You always have to throw one of those out, don't you?" I rolled that same eye. "How would you like it if I call you idiot, moron, thief, no good piece of fucking—"

"Alight! Fuck! Fucking alright!" Tom exhaled heavily and crossed his arms. "You got me. We met during bad circumstances, and some stuff just came out." He looked at me as I planted the back of my head deeper against the mountain. "But can you blame me? Words around the land aren't kind around your kind. And I was nearly eaten by you."

My eyes flew upward. "You were never going to be eaten! You can't come close to being eaten unless I had an intent to eat you!"

"I didn't know that at the time."

"Fine. A bunch of people are saying a dragon is going to eat you, so some stuff comes out."

Tom nodded. "So... what do you want with me?"

"Nothing! In fact, I want to be rid of you!" I slapped a claw over my face as I could already feel him drawing the wrong conclusions. "And not in the kind of way where you die! I just want to be left alone. From day one, I've just wanted to be left alone."

"Uh-huh."

"And I can't bring you back to those lands because you might run into those kinds of people again."

"But that's where all my contacts are! I'll be fully removed anywhere else."

I dropped my claw to the side and looked at him. "How about if I gave you some gold? Y'know, a little treasure to float on. I hear it's nice east of here. The red dragon is rumoured to be somewhere in that direction, but it should be alright if you don't go too deep."

Tom narrowed his eyebrows. "You would be willing to help me out?"

"If it gets rid of you—sure."

Tom stood around in thought for a moment.

"About all the shit that I said..."

I waved off his worry with a claw. "You were kidnapped and strapped to a stake while a dragon loomed above. It's hard not to shout some shit in a state like that." I held out my claw for him to walk on it. "Here. I'll grab you some treasure and set you somewhere safe to the east."

Tom nodded as he stepped onto my waiting palm.

"Uh, thanks!"

Days had passed without bells or shouts, no people entering my cave with a weapon or the desire to be devoured. I'd found peace in my sleep and didn't mind being unconscious for whatever remained of my life. More troubles would arrive, I was sure, but at least I knew I could handle them...

...somewhat.

But something different had woken me from my sleep this time. The steps were soft, delicate, nearly fragile. My eyes opened slowly, blinking to the light, the adjustment to coming to life. It took a few before I could see again.

Looking forward, I saw something I never expected to see, a young woman dressed in all white. Petals from flowers stuck to her dress. She had slowed and breathed heavily to catch her breath. It seemed like she'd been running for the last while—if the sheen of sweat on her skin was anything to go by.

Finally, though, she noticed me looking at her, and she smiled, entering a bow.

"Hello there, mister dragon!" She remained in her bow for a couple of seconds longer before rising with a hand placed over her chest. " I am a princess to the nearby castle on the shoreline."

My mouth opened a little... but I did not speak.

"I'm sorry to have awakened you, or to have entered your home without announcing myself." She lowered her head. "It was incredibly rude of me, and I'm afraid I might have to do even worse than that."

I couldn't speak.

"I don't mean to presume anything of you, mister dragon, but I really need to ask for your help." She clasped her hands together and stepped toward my resting snout. "Today is my wedding day! But my father... he's making me marry a horrible person. There's none that I can go to. Nowhere where I can run."

She dropped to her knees. "So please! Hear my plea, for... I need you to kidnap me!"

My jaw opened fully, and my mind ceased to work as, once again, I couldn't catch a break from these humans. Yet anything vile about me vanished. My laziness... had gone away. Swallowing, I found my throat again. I cleared it.

And finally.

I spoke.