[ZERO SPACE]

“Just so I understand,” Bander said. “A zero disc came through a window. So you took it?”

“I didn’t see anyone’s name on it,” Shae said.

“You can’t just take things like that, idiot!” Bander said. “There are dangerous people in the Haven. They might want that back! You have no idea what you stole!”

“If you know so much, then tell me,” said Shae.

“Not here,” said Bander, looking around. “Look, no one can know about this.”

“Too late for that,” said Shae. “It’s not like anyone knows who I am.”

“You’d better hope they don’t find out.”

“Hey guys,” interrupted Asira. “The sun...”

Bander and Shae glanced up - just a few more hours of daylight left.

“We’ll finish this later,” snarled Bander.

A meaty-smell guided the party forward. The trek through the goblin camp was scenic, yet uneventful. Straw huts, villager bones, tiki torches - but no goblins.

“This mission is easy,” said DangerFace869.

Shae grew tense at the demonoid’s words - most Zero Space missions saved the worst for last. Bander was down one heal, DangerFace869 was down two Fury Strikes left, and Shae had six special bullets left. Even a single SP could make all the difference.

The party approached an organic arena - a circular clearing of trees. In the center, a large goblin hunched over a boiling cauldron, stirring its contents with a heavy metal ladle.

This was Goblin Chef - a famous figure in the goblin community. His belly could store a whole village-worth of villagers. He wore a chef’s hat, and a bib that said GOBBLIN’. A cute pun, but again: goblins couldn’t read or write.

Mounds of colorful spices were piled up on surrounding tables. The white spice was probably salt. And the brown one looked like pepper. But those blue and purple spices? That was a mystery Shae didn’t care to solve. Sampling Goblin Chef’s cauldron broth was lethal - it never stopped boiling.

Six goblins loitered at the far end of the battlefield, communicating in clicks and pops. Shae suspected this language was real. These NPCs might be having actual conversations, disguised in a goblin cypher that players couldn’t understand.

In front of Goblin Chef - a small steel cage, just wide enough for a village chief’s daughter.

“There she is,” said Shae.

A metallic scratching - from the inside of the cage. It was an abrasive sound, like claws on a chalkboard. Bander’s eyes narrowed - the village chief’s daughter was a brutoid, and brutoids didn’t have claws.

Bander approached the cage, ignoring Goblin Chef completely.

“The chef will see him,” said DangerFace869.

“Nah, Chef won’t aggro until we attack him,” said Shae.

“Don’t know what that means,” said DangerFace869.

“Oh, aggro means, become aggressive,” said Asira. “It’s a common term. Didn’t Shae teach you that?”

“Not his mentor,” Shae muttered.

Bander peeked into the cage’s interior, letting out a shrill shriek. The goblins remained undisturbed, committed to their roles.

“What the hell?” shouted Bander.

Crammed behind the cage bars was a pirahnoid - an anthropomorphic fish-man with jagged teeth and fierce eyes. His outfit rivalled Shae’s fashion-sense, yet offered superior protection. Metal claws extended from his gloves, scraping against the metal cage walls.

His face was coated in a thick layer of pasty clown make-up. Blue painted triangles drooped from his eyes like teardrop fangs. A fuzzy orange afro scruffed across the cage’s roof. From the tip of his snout - a red rubber nose. It probably squeaked.

DangerFace869 reached through the bars.

SQUEAK

Confirmed.

“Stop stop stop,” growled the pirahnoid. “I’ll bite you.”

DangerFace869 called his bluff.

SQUEAK

“The village chief’s daughter is ugly,” said DangerFace869.

“That’s not the village chief’s daughter, idiot,’ said Bander.

“That’s a banned player!” shouted Asira.

A ban in Zero Space meant suspension from both guilds and missions. Clown make-up was also part of the package - a permanent mark of shame. Shae was terrified of getting banned; he had come close several times. Even with his sense of style, he wasn’t confident he could make clown make-up look good.

“I’m Lanzer,” said the pirahnoid. “Since you know my name, we’re kinda best friends now, right? You wanna let me out?”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “How’d you get banned? You piss off a guild leader? Write the devs some hate mail?”

“You wouldn’t believe me,” said Lanzer.

“You’d be surprised what I’d believe,” said Shae.

“Shut up Shae,” said Bander. “Where’s the village chief’s daughter?”

“Looks like he squished her,” said DangerFace869. “Or ate her.”

“Actually, I am her,” said Lanzer.

Blank stares all around.

“Well, kinda,” Lanzer continued. “I replaced her. Look, it’s complicated. Help me out and I’ll tell ya.”

“We probably shouldn’t help a banned player,” said Asira. “He might have done something really bad.”

“I did,” said Lanzer. “But in a good way. Kinda. That’s complicated too.”

“Too complicated for us,” Bander said.

“I’m the leader here,” Shae interrupted. “How do we get you out?”

“Kill Goblin Chef,” Lanzer continued. “That’s pretty much it. Oh, and you have to make me a member of your guild.”

“No way!” said Shae. The Feather Bird screening process was lenient, but it wasn’t Shae’s to conduct. He was just a temporary Raid Leader; Chief would destroy him for letting a banned player into the guild.

“Look look look, you’re not gonna beat Goblin Chef without me,” Lanzer said.

“We’ve beat him before actually,” said Asira. “He’s not that hard.”

“He’s been updated,” said Lanzer. “And I’m the only one who knows his new mechanics!”

Bander’s eyes narrowed again.

“If they’re so new, how do you know about them?” asked Bander.

“Because I’m a dev,” Lanzer said. “I kinda made this fight.”

The party froze again. A game developer? Here? As a clown-faced pirahnoid? It didn’t seem possible. Shae assumed devs played the game, but he never thought he’d meet one. Especially not like this.

“When I die, I respawn in this cage,” said Lanzer. “Another dumb-ass dev put me in here. Your guild could be my ticket out; my new respawn point would be your HQ!”

“I don’t buy it,” said Bander.

“I’m the leader here!” Shae’s voice boomed. “I’ll make the decision.”

Shae mostly wanted to contradict Bander, but he wasn’t certain himself. Under normal conditions, this would be an easy no. This mission however was vital; his future depended on it.

“If you get us through this battle,” said Shae. “Maybe I’ll let you join the guild.”

“Good enough!” said Lanzer. “Now please, please, please hurry. It kinda sucks in here.”

Shae nodded. “You all know the drill.”

On cue, Asira fled to the surrounding trees, sneaking towards the six socializing goblins. Bander and Shae ducked behind spice tables, pinsering Goblin Chef.

DangerFace869 glanced at his colleagues, confused. With a shrug, he approached Goblin Chef --

“Once Asira takes out the goblins,” Shae said to Bander. “I’ll hit Chef with --”

“Shae,” Bander interrupted. “What is Danger Face Eight-Something doing?”

The demonoid was almost upon Goblin Chef. Shae’s eyes opened wide in terror.

“Danger Face, noooo --”

“FURY STRIKES!”

A big bar expanded in DangerFace869’s periphery:

GOBLIN CHEF

DangerFace869 didn’t know what that big bar was, but he correctly assumed it was bad.

Shae’s strategy was blown. It was time to improvise.

“PIERCING SHOT!”

5 special shots remained. Shae’s purple bullet tunneled through Goblin Chef’s head, and shattered several blackened teeth. That blow would have killed any normal NPC. But this wasn’t a normal NPC - Goblin Chef was a boss.

GOBLIN CHEF

Asira was about to land her first stealth-kill, when suddenly, all six stationary goblins turned towards her simultaneously. Wait, this wasn’t supposed to happen; Goblin Chef had been aggro-d preemptively!

Goblin Chef counter-attacked DangerFace869, splashing boiling broth across his head. The demonoid screamed in surprise - his flesh gave way to muscle, then to bone, then ash. For the second time this mission, DangerFace869 was dead.

“Shae, did you not tell him about the counter-attack?” Bander screamed.

“Danger-Face, look out,” Shae warned posthumously. “Chef counter-attacks.”

Goblin Chef spotted Shae and Bander - a rhetorical coin flip would determine his next victim. Shae hoped Goblin Chef chose him; he was better equipped for this. Things would become much harder if Goblin Chef chose --

Bander - that was Goblin Chef’s new target! His ladle smashed through Bander’s table. The magicoid retreated with a shrill shriek as rainbow spices rained around him.

Asira fell victim to goblin axes, taking only two goblins with her. The other four sprinted towards Shae, trash-talking with clicks and pops.

Shae needed his SP for Goblin Chef. These goblins would require a different resource - his own flesh.

Shae hurled his own body into the side of the boiling cauldron.

“Wait, no!” Lanzer screamed from his cage. “Don’t hit the cauldron!”

Too late.

Scalding metal singed Shae’s skin as the massive soup-vat toppled sideways. Boiling broth spilled across the grass, blanketing bare goblin feet. All four goblins released a horrific screech as their thrashing bodies became one with the stew.

Goblin Chef watched Shae in dismay - the soup was ruined. All the blood, sweat and tears that went into making it (likely villager blood, sweat and tears): it was all for nothing. This was a great offense; Goblin Chef took pride in his work. The tone of his flesh mimicked the setting sun. The heat of his body lit his ladle aflame. He was literally boiling with rage.

Bander had seconds to react. Maybe he could get off one more heal? But who to heal - Asira or DangerFace869?

Shae’s head sunk - this was a disaster. If Bander fell, their hope of success would soon follow. Even with two special powers, there was nothing Shae could do.

Nothing Shae could do.

But this wasn’t about what Shae could do. It was about what they could do.

It was time to lead.

“BANDER!” shouted Shae. “Heal Asira!”

Bander didn’t hesitate. A holy light gave Asira expedited service, assembling her body into a functional form.

“Asira” shouted Shae. “Light Beam on Chef!”

Asira projected orange light from her crossed swords, infiltrating Goblin Chef’s eyes with a blinding neon beam.

Goblin Chef’s ladle streaked flame just above Bander’s head. A normal player would have been decapitated, but Bander was a magicoid - magicoids were short. If Goblin Chef was thinking or seeing clearly, he would know that.

“PIERCING SHOT”

The purple bullet entered Goblin Chef’s heavy gut.

GOBLIN CHEF

4 SP left for Shae.

Shae didn’t just aim to maim - he aimed to attract. Goblin Chef took the bait, turning towards Shae.

“Heal Danger Face!” Shae yelled.

Bander complied - 2 SP of heals remaining. DangerFace869 resurrected at Shae’s side.

Goblin Chef sprinted forward with reckless abandon - a fatal mistake. His bare feet ran across the still-boiling liquid, scalding his soles. He howled in pain, stunned in front of --

“Danger, Face!” yelled Shae. “Fury Strikes!”

“FURY STRIKES!”

GOBLIN CHEF

1 SP of Fury Strikes remaining.

DangerFace869 was about to eat another Goblin Chef counter-attack --

Shae tackled DangerFace869. A fiery ladle flew overhead, as the two of them tumbled across the grass, colliding with a table leg.

“PIERCING SHOT!” yelled Shae, slumped over DangerFace869.

GOBLIN CHEF

3 SP of special bullets left.

Shae had Goblin Chef’s pattern down pat. If he could just hold aggro, they had this in the bag.

Goblin Chef stampeded with an angry roar.

“Asira,” shouted Shae. “Light Beam!”

Asira was on it - 3 SP remaining. Shae and DangerFace869 rolled beneath a table as Goblin Chef’s ladle crashed against empty ground.

Shae felt powerful. Having a team was even better than having two abilities; it was like having five abilities! With Shae’s impeccable direction, his allies became an extension of his body. This was true strength. Even Goblin Chef didn’t stand a --

Lanzer’s hand shot out of his cage, gripping Shae’s ankle.

“Shae,” yelled Lanzer. “Goblin Chef has a new projectile attack!”

Goblin Chef’s ladle scooped up boiling water, pouring it between his lips. His cheeks inflated like a water balloon, ready to burst.

This was bad. None of Shae’s special abilities would help him here.

None of his special abilities...

Time for more teamwork!

Shae grabbed DangerFace869 and held him in the way.

Goblin Chef unloaded the contents of his jowls all over the demonoid.

DangerFace869 screeched in agony, his clothing and flesh eviscerated by a fiery stew spray.

Not much remained of DangerFace869, but what was left was somehow still alive. Shae pretended this was his plan all along.

“Fury Strikes,” Shae whispered to the demonoid.

DangerFace869 barely registered the words. Shae shoved him forward --

“FUrY STiCKs!”

GOBLIN CHEF

DangerFace869’s condition didn’t lessen the ability. Goblin Chef counter-attacked, his heated ladle cleaving the demonoid right down the middle.

Bander’s staff rose to --

“Don’t!” Shae yelled to Bander. “He’s out of SP!”

Shae’s pistols twirled.

“PIERCING SHOT!”

GOBLIN CHEF

1 SP of special ammo remaining.

Goblin Chef’s mouth filled with more boiling liquid.

“Asira, Light Beam!” Shae screamed.

“Already on it!” shouted Asira. “You don’t need to micromanage me!”

A radiant orange beam flooded Goblin Chef’s eyes. 1 Light Beam left.

Shae dove sideways as shotgun spittle punctured dozens of tiny holes in the dirt. Lanzer recoiled into his cage, boiling stew dribbling down the cage bars.

“PIERCING SHOT!”

GOBLIN CHEF

Gobiln Chef faltered, but did not fall.

Shae was out of SP, and Goblin Chef still wasn’t dead. This was bad. His mind drew a blank - this situation normally meant failure.

Goblin Chef scooped up another mouthful of death - this one was for Shae.

Asira watched Shae buckle under pressure - typical of a new Raid Leader. Fortunately, Asira had far more leadership experience. It was time to take one for the team.

“LIGHT BEAM!”

One final ray of orange light blindsided Goblin Chef. Shae dodged a spray-misfire as Asira flew forward, plunging her swords straight through Goblin Chef’s face.

GOBLIN CHEF

Asira smiled. Her role was over. She just had to trust that Shae and Bander could finish the job.

A counter-attack - Goblin Chef’s burning ladle exploded Asira’s head into evaporating red mist.

“Shae, kill it!” yelled Bander. “Kill it!”

Shae unloaded both pistols. Goblin Chef was a big target - he was hard to miss, and he only had a little health left. Shae could do this!

Goblin Chef charged.

GOBLIN CHEF

“Kill it Shae!” screeched Bander.

GOBLIN CHEF

“KILL IT!!” Bander wailed.

GOBLIN CHEF

“KILLLL ITTTTT!!!!!!”

GOBLIN CHEF

Goblin Chef suddenly stopped; his health bar refused to deplete further.

“Shae Shae Shae!” yelled Lanzer, from within the cage. “It has a new final attack! You need to get away from it! It’s going to kill everyone!”

Goblin Chef collapsed to all fours, slurping the boiling broth through pursed lips. A reeling wind from Goblin Chef’s mouth took hold of the surrounding forest. The trees bowed sideways. Rocks, grass, and spices spiraled into Goblin Chef’s gaping maw. The wind howled like a freight train caught in a tornado.

Goblin Chef’s body puffed up to three times its original size. The spray wasn’t going to come from its mouth; it would come from everywhere.

Shae glanced at Lanzer - that steel cage was too heavy to move, and it was facing Goblin Chef. Lanzer would be eviscerated.

“Bander, get behind the trees!” Shae screamed over the howling wind.

“What are you doing?” Bander screamed back.

“Finishing the mission!” Shae screamed.

Bander understood. He made a beeline for the tree line as Shae encased the cage like a blanket of flesh.

Lanzer watched in terror. He was so close to freedom. No one had beaten this mission since Goblin Chef’s update. Could Shae possibly be the first?

BOOM

Goblin Chef burst into a trillion stinging atoms. Every spice, every stick, every stone, every blade of grass was obliterated.

Shae’s body was the last to go. Boiling atomic shrapnel splintered across his body, shredding his skin into crimson glitter. As the broth-blast sizzled out of existence, a thin layer of flesh and fancy-fabric encircled Lanzer’s cage.

Shae was no more.

But Lanzer was intact.

The mission was complete!

Bander peeked out from behind a tree. His staff shook uncontrollably. In all his years of playing, he had never seen an attack like that.

“SELFLESS SAVIOR!”

Bander had his work cut out for him. Pieces of Shae were all over the battlefield, but somehow, Bander’s final SP found them all, reassembling Shae in the world’s most complicated jigsaw puzzle.

Shae rose with a gasp --

-- Bander’s foot shoved him back down.

“Bander,” Shae groaned. “What the hell?”

Bander stood on him for a moment, then smiled.

“Nice job, idiot.”

Lanzer pointed at a crater, where Goblin Chef’s bloated figure once stood. A golden key rested within a puddle of soup, no longer boiling.

“Please, let me out,” said Lanzer, still crammed in his cage. “Please, please, please.”

Shae and Bander complied. Lanzer rose with a euphoric gasp, unravelling his body like an uncompressed coil.

“I’ll take one guild membership please!” said Lanzer with a big toothy grin. His clown make-up made his smile that much creepier.

Both Shae and Bander held their weapons ready. Letting a stranger into their guild without Chief’s permission was a big deal. This decision couldn’t be made lightly, even if it meant going back on their word.

“Are you guys joking?” asked Lanzer. “After everything I did for you?”

Bander gripped his staff.

“Your call Shae,” said Bander.

Shae twirled his pistols.

“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer. “I can sweeten the deal.”

Lanzer withdrew a flowing red ribbon, traditionally worn in a young girl’s hair. Shae identified it as a Level 1 material.

“Pass it here,” said Shae.

“Guild first!” Lanzer insisted. “Material second!”

Shae sighed. He didn’t care if Bander or Chief got on his case for this. That Level 1 material was too valuable to pass up.

Shae’s palm interface materialized. A few menu swipes and button presses later:

Lanzer joined the Feather Birds!

Lanzer shouted and danced in glee. He was a pretty good dancer actually. Some real smooth moves - Shae smacked the strange thought away.

“That was kinda close,” said Lanzer. “This mission was about to cycle. I could’ve been trapped in there for weeks!”

Shae and Bander shared the same simultaneous realization - the mission wasn’t over. The environment didn’t dim out. No floating text rose through the air. No fanfare. No MVP.

“Wait,” said Shae. “How do we finish the mission?”

“You can’t can’t can’t,” said Lanzer. “It’s bugged. That’s what happens when dumb-ass devs mess with quest logic.”

Shae’s eyes widened in terror. No, this couldn’t be happening. After everything? Was it all for nothing?

“That red ribbon is the daughter’s by the way,” said Lanzer. “Your demonoid friend was right. I squash her whenever I spawn in. Poor thing. It kinda makes the whole quest stop working.”

Shae squeezed the ribbon like a stress ball. Not only had he failed to secure the final goblin-point, he let some weird pirahnoid into the guild. Chief wouldn’t like any of this.

Permanent rat-duty was starting to look like the best-case scenario.