Goblins are SUPREME. When we’re in groups of twelve or more. Three goblins, however?

I blame this on Spoon.

Spoon’s never been down the mountain. Never had to know the danger of anything more threatening than a cave spider queen. And while I don’t doubt her magical abilities, her knowledge of the world 10 feet away from the mountain is greatly lacking.

Because while Dagger and I are using the tall grass and wheat fields to crouch and hide and move as quickly as possible, Spoon prances around, head high, back straight, and worst of all, walking slowly. Really slowly. Dagger blames her shorter legs. I blame her smaller brain!

“Spoon, GET doooown!”

Spoon looks at me with that quizzical expression that reminds me of a large dumb dog. And there’s plenty of large dumb dogs this far from the mountain. The humans call them wolves, and they normally leave goblins alone…when we’re in groups…

“No.”

Exasperation escapes my lips, and fury rises to the top in an all-consuming blush that turns my green skin red. I reach for Spoon and pull her down until her head and dumb ears aren’t a foot taller than the surrounding grassland.

“YES!” I roar, not sure what came over me, but the look of shock on Spoon’s face makes me want to do it again. “You have no idea how dangerous it is down here, and we”—I point to Dagger and me—“are tired of telling YOU!”

Spoon’s face shifts from shock to a furious frown as her eyes begin to glow with latent magical power. A part of me realizes that holding her hand may be a bad idea, but on the other hand, one Goblin Shaman who is probably Level 1 can’t be worse than the numerous ways you can be made into dinner this far from Gabo mountain.

“Aren’t you both Raiders?” She tugs her arm back, but I don’t let go. “Can’t we fight!”

“NO!” Dagger and I shout at the same time.

I let go, and she fumes before shaking her recently squeezed wrist and sitting down. Is she pouting?

“You’re both cowards.”

Dagger steps up with a big stupid grin, “We’re three feet tall. Even I know it’s not safe out here.” He then holds out his hand. “And besides—”

“—Bravery is for humans,” I finish with Dagger, who busts out laughing. The sound is contagious as Spoon joins us, and for a few moments, the sound of high-pitched mischievous laughter is heard throughout the valley.

After some prodding, we keep walking, the human settlement is very far, and I almost regret choosing them over the numerous closer farms. Still, big places mean big rewards. And the smaller towns have grown used to Goblin raids. Well, technically, it’s Goblin thievery, so…

A bad idea comes to mind, and I stop and face Dagger and Spoon, who are right behind me. I look at our dress. We are barefoot, wearing loincloths, save for Spoon, who is sporting a simple brown tunic that stays on by the strength of Jeezus as the straps are frayed to the point of two strings holding it together. The bad idea meets a need, and a need generates a plan. I grin.

“We need clothes.”

Dagger looks down at his loincloth, then glances up, “We do?”

Mischief spreads like fire in my eyes. “Yes, we do. Goblins are green, grass is green, and we blend in. Human city not green, goblins ARE green—”

“We don’t blend in…” Spoon finishes.

“Exactly.”

Dagger’s mouth becomes an ‘O’ as realization dawns. Hide the green, we think in unison as we turn our necks to the distance and view a human farm not too far away with fresh clothes just sitting out in the open. Small clothes that could fit a couple of Goblins, just blowing in the wind by a single string. Dagger’s head starts to nod. Spoon cracks her knuckles. And I grin.

************

Quest : Acquire Better Camouflage::

Acquire additional clothing to prevent your immediate discovery in human cities and dwellings. Gain 50 EXP. Objective. Steal clothes from local humans and escape with your lives. Alternative Quest Name: Thief Apparel.

Dagger has Accepted New Job : THIEF

Spoon has Accepted New JOB: THIEF

Rock Party has formed

Rock is Party Leader.

Dagger and Spoon accepted Quest and will receive 50% of reward EXP.

The System pounds in the changes, half of which I don’t understand, but I feel different as the farm gets closer. Before, Elder Bones gave me a quest but now… can I just decide to do something, and THAT becomes a quest?? For a moment, endless possibilities unfold before quickly short-circuiting into a giant headache.

Rock has taken 1 Self Inflicted Psychic Damage.

The pain makes me wince, and I nearly trip before Dagger catches me.

“You ok?” he asks in a hushed whisper, his Raid voice.

“Yeah.. just thinking too much.” I nod back, and Spoon leans over us both before snorting.

“I thought you Raiders are tough?!”

Spoon’s voice carries the sound of a bellowing human, and Dagger and I both shush her!

“He—” she tries to retort before two sets of hands cover her mouth before we collapse on her. We lie in a tangle, ears perked up and listening as Spoon squirms for freedom beneath us. Even this distance from the farm, an errant noise can disturb the humans, and it’s not close to nighttime yet!

“Ssssssh,” I whisper with urgency, determined to not let her go until she understands to be quiet!

Now in a proper raiding party, a large number of us would creep up on a farm like this and come screaming down the hills. The shock and awe of so many green-muscled bodies coming straight for a handful of human defenders is a greater weapon than our actual arms of makeshift clubs and pointy sticks. But this isn’t a Raid, and we’re not surrounded by dozens of fellow Goblins.

Eventually, after realizing we’re not letting go, she stops moving, which lets me grunt, “Please stay quiet!” before letting her up.

Once again, she huffs, but this time she sees the fear on both my and Dagger’s faces and doesn’t pout. In fact, a certain understanding seems to click inside her head as she nods. Or at least that’s what I hope is happening. We’re far too close to the farm and the humans and their guard pets for us to make a mistake like that again.

I don’t remember being this cautious as a Raider. Or hell, when I was stealing from Chief. But maybe that was because I knew the worst Chief would do to me was give me a healthy beating. Humans on the other end…

I shudder and grab a rock from a satchel for comfort. Dagger tightens his grip on his dagger while crouching even lower. A grin more nervous than mischievous spreads on his lips as he slows down to a careful catwalk. I look behind me and see Spoon now imitating Dagger, with a mocking smile on her lips. I shrug. It’s a start.

We move carefully, three little Goblin thieves, following a game trail that leads directly to the farm. Raiders aren’t trackers, but I can tell that rabbits and field mice use this path to go to and from the human storehouses to the safety of underground burrows.

If this fails, I’d like to join them, but I try not to think about that as we slide up next to the barn that looms over the game trail and provides the only amount of cover between us and the farmer’s house. And while it’s only mid-day, the shadow it casts is huge and enveloping as it passes over the field and clears the ground that marks the beginning of human territory in a deep, oppressive shade. The barn is a simple, impossibly large building painted red with brown wooden doors.

Even from this distance, we can hear the sound of human children playing, most likely in the dirt, with other human children their age as they play catch or tag. I want to throw a rock at them, but we have several feet of dried-out dirt to cover.

We creep along the side of the barn, listening and praying no humans are inside and thankful for the sound of farm animals. We move carefully as the outside of the barn is covered in a layer of hay, and it crunches as we walk. Well, mostly as Spoon walks, but I try to focus on my own stealth and if the barn doors swing upon and something furry grabs her? Well, Yeezus works in mysterious ways.

The humans seem to be preoccupied, and thankfully, the human children are too busy enjoying their easy, non-life threatening lives to venture toward their respective houses. Still, I carry my rock in a tighter grip as we leave the shade of the barn and scamper down a straight line toward the house. The house in question must belong to a particularly wealthy human; it is one full story tall and rather long length-wise in a brown and gray box kinda way with the front protected by a patio complete with a simple “lawn” chair that rocks on its hinges. Fond memories of farmers waiting with crossbows on chairs like that send shivers down my spine.

But that isn’t the only way humans protect their houses. A barbed fence about two meters tall protects the immediate access to what the humans call a backyard and ideally funnels the goblins into the street. There was a time (before I was born) when humans didn’t put sticky traps on their fences or have fences, but close contact with Goblins often led to defensive measures and getting good at killing Goblins.

Which doesn’t MATTER. As a thief, we only have to steal from the humans before they realize we are there! And besides, inside the fence is the reward, the CLOTHES. And there is only a short sprint to the house left, and we’re halfway there.

And while the sprint is short, it actually feels like it takes forever to get across the chasm between the barn and the house. We just make it before the front door swings wide open, and a human of undetermined size comes pounding down his own steps, creaking the boards as he goes.

Fear grips the three of us as we hug the corner, with Dagger holding his knife to his chest more for comfort than out of readiness to start stabbing, and Spoon…

Spoon’s eyes glow. I’m not a Shaman, but even as my heart pounds, I can feel the violence preparing itself in Spoon’s tiny body, and I remember the scene of the bush blowing up, scattering the giant rats that hid inside. But what she doesn’t realize is that HUMANS ARE OVERPOWERED!!!!!!!

And I desperately hope she doesn’t… oh fuck, she wouldn’t… and as sweat rolls down my ears and forehead, I pray to Yeezus that the Shaman was taught to have a brain. PLEASE lord, don’t let her jump out and attack him!

For a moment, the world is still and then-

“JOHNNY! SAMATHA! DINNER!” the human shouts at the top of his lungs with the force of a tornado and we rock off our feet and land on our asses, our ears ruptured and bleeding.

Rock has taken 2 damage from Human War Shout

Dagger has taken 3 damage from Human War Shout

Spoon has taken 3 damage from Human War Shout.

The world spins. Our lives are immediately in danger, and I feel myself reaching out, grabbing for anyone to pull as the effect of the War Shout settle in.

Rock is stunned.

Dagger is stunned.

Spoon is stunned.

Everything in me SCREAMS for me to move, and with effort, before every muscle and nerve freezes, I bite my lip and grab Dagger and Spoon, yanking them backward and smacking my head on some kind of beam as I fall into moist darkness in a tumble of limbs.

Rock has taken 2 Damage from Farmer House.

Dagger and Spoon tremble as if trying to scream from bodies that can’t move as I feel the familiar stomp and crunch of a human who is now approaching the side of his house. No doubt looking for the Goblins that the system informed him he had injured.

“Goblins…” he whispers, a voice deep, husky, and full of murderous intent. I don’t know what he’s doing, but I feel him stop as the bit of light from the outside is blocked by his shadow.

My body starts to come alive slightly as the effects of the stun relax and I try to move Dagger and Spoon deeper into the belly of the house. The human shadow doesn’t move, no doubt looking for signs of Goblins, maybe even expecting us to climb up one of the windows on the side of the house. But must not have seen anything because suddenly he crouches down and a big ugly human eye looks right at me. My heart freezes.

The eyes in the large stupid head in frustration, no doubt able to see me, able to reach down and grab me or Spoon or worst Dagger. They are still stunned, so once he grabs them, he could easily—

A hand shoots into the darkness as he tries to reach us with one meaty palm that could cover my entire chest… and misses. He MISSED! Terror seizes me. I don’t make a sound, his hands reaching and grabbing but never quite landing on a green arm or leg. He keeps reaching and grabbing, finding empty air, dried leaves, or plain dirt as he strains at the limits of his own height.

But just as suddenly as this ordeal started, it ends! Children, human children, scream at the top of their violent little lungs, “DADDDDDDDDDDDDY!” as they rush into the house and slam the door. The human grunts in frustration and defeat and shouts with a softer but still loud voice, “DON’T SLAM DOORS IN MY HOUSE!” before getting up and rushing back up the patio.

Then something warm tickles my leg…something tickles both legs as I realize Spoon and Dagger just pissed themselves in fear. And despite everything, I can only sigh in relief, as my body was prepared to do much worse.