" was like for you growing up." Giselle, my new therapist, put on her prescription glasses.

Three weeks had gone by and I'd finally gained the courage to open pandora's box with a professional. It took a week to find the therapist that made me comfortable, and Giselle instantly gave me comfort. She reminded me of a grandmother. She held an aura that made you crave a hug from her while you spilled all the beans. An aura that shielded you from all judgement, only offering listening ears. I genuinely liked her.

"Growing up was...spontaneous and joyful until it wasn't." I sat my clasped hands in my lap.

"Care to expand on that for me?"

I deeply exhaled, "My dad was a man of adventures. He liked to take trips out of the blue and he never liked to do the same thing. One weekend we were indoor rock climbing and the next we were bicycling around town. He always kept a smile on our faces."

"When did that all come to an end?"

"When he died. Our house lost all color and became a shadow of what once was. At least that's how I saw it. But we still had our moments of smiling and laughing together. My brother Courtland was almost a carbon copy of my dad and he tried to keep the same energy in the house. It didn't work all the time but he did pretty well if I must say."

I grabbed one of the yellow decorative pillows and placed it in my lap. Giselle watched my movements in silence, waiting for me to continue explaining.

"A couple months after my dad died I realized how hard it was for me to be happy with anything. Nothing could really satisfy me enough to keep me happy more than a few hours. Me, being a child didn't really pick up on it. My mom did but never said anything. She'd just give me this sad look and rub my arm. She'd never ask me was I okay or try and talk about my dad's death. An arm rub was all she gave.

"As I got older it slowly got worse. I slowly stopped hanging with with the same friends – except Eliana – and isolated myself. There were times where I'd ignore Eliana because I wanted it to just be me. It always worked for me until I met this kid, Giovanni. He sat beside me in class and everyday he would ask me why I was so sad. I would ignore him every time until one day I got annoyed and told him that I wasn't. He said I had sad eyes like the women on soap operas." the latter made me chuckle.

"Since he got that one response from me he decided to talk to me all day that day then it became a routine. I never even knew he lived a street over from me, but he became my bestfriend. I could never be sad around him for long. He'd always find a way to show me the colors of life again. The days he couldn't cheer me up, he'd just sit with me until he had to go home...."

"Is this Giovanni still in your life?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Are you two still friends? More than friends?"

"It's a bit complicated right now."

"Okay, we'll get back to him." she took a note on her pad. "Let's keep talking about your childhood."

"Um." I cleared my throat. "He pretty much kept me leveled, and when he moved away things went south. I was sadder than I'd ever been before and this time around I tried to vocalize it. My family thought I was being a dramatic teenage girl so they pushed it off to the side with chuckles. I was contemplating taking my life and to have them taking me for a joke angered me. I started to spit fire at them every time they spoke to me and it made them look at me different. They didn't like me anymore but I didn't care.

"Well I did. I wanted them to see me but they couldn't. One night I'd gotten everybody so riled up that Courtland went for a walk to calm down. But he never came back." I picked at the pillow. "He was mistaken for someone else and was stabbed to death and all the blame fell on me. My other brother Justice hated me, my mama couldn't look at me and my little sister followed their lead. It was just me.

"Everything about my junior and senior year was a blur. I slept all my days away. I'm not even sure how I got accepted into college because I don't remember taking the ACT or SAT. I was excited to leave that house though so I went on to college. But the distance wasn't much help. I tried to kill myself twice and Eliana saved me each time. I started to get frustrated with life so I made impulsive decisions hoping one of them would end it all for me, but here I am. Still alive."

"Are you happy to be alive?"

"I wouldn't say happy but I'm content. I have a lot of people that care about me and want me here."

"And if you didn't have those people, do you think you would still be here with us?"

I shook my head, "No. They've been the ones to save me during attempts. If they weren't around I would have been successful."

"How do you feel about them interfering each time?"

"When I was younger, I hated it. I'd be mad for days on end but I'm grateful for being saved a few weeks ago. That was a true mistake."

"So you've had a recent attempt. Tell me how that went, if you're comfortable doing so."

"I'd been having anxiety and panic attacks more than normal. I suffer from major depression and they come with episodes which I'm sure you know. But winter is always the worst for me. It hadn't been this bad in almost two years. I was actually considering taking my life, but I didn't want to feel like that. So, I took a couple of my anti-depressants I still had laying around. They weren't numbing me like they used to and I mindlessly kept taking them throughout the day until I was out of it. I couldn't stand, I couldn't breathe. If my friend Noelle hadn't shown up I would've died right there in my bedroom."

"You haven't talked about it much have you?" she glanced down at my hands tightly gripping the pillow. I released it.

"No, not really."

"And why might that be? You're not comfortable telling your friends? Are they not willing to listen?"

"I'm not sure if I'd be believed. I've done this before so they'd think it was just another one of those times."

"Who is they?"

"Everyone."

Giselle's watch quietly beeped, indicating that our time was up. I removed the pillow from my lap and cleared my throat. She wrote a few things down on her notepad then asked whether I'd like to read them. I denied. She closed it and sat it aside before giving me a satisfied smile.

"I believe today went extremely well. I learned quite a bit about you, Korin. Like I told you before, things will get dark, scary and ugly but as long as you push through you'll overcome it all, okay? I'm here to guide you through all of those emotions to ensure you come out to the light."

"Thank you." I gave her a nod.

"I'll see again next week at the same time." she stood up. "Have a great day."

"You too." I exited the room.

After speaking with the receptionist about my next appointment, I went out to my car and sat for a minute. I pulled the visor down to check on the condition of my eyes. Not much crying took place but because I'd cried before hand, I expected my eyes to be puffy, However, they weren't. They just suffered from a bit of redness that could easily be cleared up with a few drops of Visine.

I reached into the middle compartment for the eye drops and placed a few in each eye. I grabbed a pair of shades out as well, put them on then finally backed out the parking space. IMG models was my next destination. I had an appointment with my agent and Jeffery to talk about the next steps of my career.

I still didn't feel like I was ready to began working; too much of it dealt with the media and I didn't want to deal with them right now. The topic of me had long gone like everything else, but I knew that I was still being watched.

"Welcome back, Korin." the desk receptionist grinned.

"Thank you." I gave a her a small smile in return.

Rather than wait on the elevator, I used the stairs to get up to the third floor. I pushed through the main doors and passed everyone to my agent's office. She and Jeffery sat behind her desk scrolling along the computer. When I tapped on the open door they both looked up at me.

"Korin. It's lovely to see you." Angel stood with open arms. "Did you get my flowers?"

"I did. They were beautiful. Hey Jeff." I gave him a hug as well.

"We don't want to keep you here long but the agency is on my back about getting you working again." Angel sat on the edge of her desk. "I have lined up a couple small campaigns that won't take too much of you right now. There's Maybelline, Gymshark and Target."

"I'm guessing they're all Christmas campaigns, right?"

"Yes."

"You were also offered to be apart of Dior's new year campaign. They would like you to be the face for 2020 so it'd be a lot of work. I just didn't want to sit on that one without bringing it up to you." said Jeffery.

"Would I have to be in London for Dior?"

"They are actually filming and shooting here in New York. If you were to accept, it begins next week."

"And I'd be working on Christmas I'm sure."

"Nope. Christmas eve, yes, but not Christmas day. They said it'll be wrapped up a few days after. So if you choose Dior I think it would be best you decline the others."

"Well, Target said it'll be a one day commercial shoot." Angel input. "And it's actually this Friday so it'll be done before you even start Dior."

I nodded, "I'd rather do Dior and Target. Both would be good for publicity since Target is a family business and Dior is a well respected brand."

"You don't need to worry about publ—"

"But I do. I made a mess of my name and now I need to put my name on something else. We're gonna do Target and Dior so let them know and then email me the schedule."

"Yes ma'am." Angel moved behind her desk.

"That's all we had for you. We're going to do our best to keep the agency happy while making sure you get the time and space you need." Jeff looked at me.

"And I love you two for that. Thank you."

"It's our job." they responded in unison.

I could hear my heart thumping rapidly against my chest as I knocked on the door. I wasn't sure why I allowed myself to drive over here, but I had and couldn't turn back. Especially after I'd knocked with no idea as to why I came. Just leave. People knock and leave all the time, I thought to myself. Just as I turned away to walk away the door opened.

"Korin?" I turned around to Mr. Jonas in an apron. "Hey, you're looking for Giovanni?"

"I was but it's okay. I'm just gonna leave."

"I mean he isn't here. He's out with the guys but I'd love for you to come in and sit with me for a minute."

"No, it looks like you're busy. I promise it wasn't anything—"

He stepped aside, "Come on."

I lowered my head while entering the condo. The sound of a little boy's giggles echoed loudly followed by a woman's. When the door closed behind Mr. Jonas, the woman turned around and revealed herself. Ms. Manuela. I sighed. I wasn't sure how this was going to go and I was indeed nervous.

"Korin. Hi." she turned around a bit more. "How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Yeah?" she gave me a full overview. "We've been worried about you. I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm Braxton." a little boy came from behind the couch. He walked up to be and unexpectedly hugged my legs. "You're Gio's girlfriend."

"Um–"

"Braxton can you go watch tv in the room for a minute please? We need to speak with Korin for a few minutes. Take your plate with you."

"Yes ma'am." he walked away.

Mr. Jonas reappeared with two plates of white rice, peas and curry chicken. He held one out toward me and I accepted it. Even if I weren't hungry I knew better than to decline a plate. He gave the other one to Ms. Manuela, removed his apron then took a seat in the chair across from me. I could feel the both of them looking at me so I used the plate as a scape goat. My eyes were trained on the food as I put a forkful into my mouth.

"You don't have to feel like we're going to hammer you. We were just really concerned about you. Gio said that you were okay but you haven't been over here. Even before the incident you'd stopped coming over." said Mr. Jonas.

"I've just been working on me that's all. Before and after the incident."

"You two aren't together are you?" he leaned back like he'd read right thru my words.

I shook my head, "I need to focus on me right now. As you can see I'm not that healthy mentally. It was unintentional but even still it happened because I was careless."

"Are you talking to someone?" Ms. Manuela asked.

"Yes ma'am."

"Good for you." she gave me a nod and a small smile. "We all deserve an outside ear to help us get through the motions. It's tough."

"It is." I nodded on the brink of tears.

Those were words that I wished could have come from my mother when I first tried therapy two years ago. Instead she asked why I felt comfortable sharing personal information with a stranger. After I explained it to her, she chalked it up as me being the different child. The one who tried things outside of the black culture and wasn't ashamed to. It hurt my feelings. I wanted her to be proud of me for taking the intuitive to get better. She wanted to be the one to heal me and help me cope but never expanded her knowledge beyond what I told her.

"It was mandatory for me in rehab and I'm so happy that I opened up and allowed him to help me. I'm able to be the mother I stopped being for Giovanni. I'm able to rebuild with him in a way that focuses more on him than on me. I pray you get everything you need from it."

"Thank you. Truly." I tilted my head back and used my knuckle to catch a tear.

"You're more than welcome. You deserve it." she reached over and rubbed my knee.

"Do you have any plans for Christmas? You're going home to be with your siblings?" Mr. Jonas asked.

"My little sister Khloe wants to spend her winter break with me so it'll be us two."

After the incident, Khloe wanted to make the impulsive decision of transferring schools to be closer to me. She started to feel like the distance between us wasn't any good. I was too far out of reach and she wanted to be able to physically check-in on me at any time. But I denied her. She had gotten into her dream school all on her own, and for her to leave to look after me wasn't fair. She deserved to live her life. I was old enough to care for myself and ensure that I was well. That wasn't her responsibility.

It was hard to nail that into her head. It took a while, but we settled on her being with me for her winter break. That included any trips I may have needed to take. It may have been a bit much for others, but I understood her worry.

"I can't necessarily speak on Giovanni but I'm sure he wouldn't mind you two joining us."

"We'll have to see."

"Mr. Jonas! I need your help!" Braxton shouted from the room. Mr. Jonas excused himself and went to see what Braxton needed.

"How are you really?" Ms. Manuela scooted closer to me. "I've seen that look you have in your eyes a time or two."

I shrugged, "I'm going day by day. Therapy just opened up a few memories that I haven't thought of in a while."

"The process is definitely a hard one but it is well worth it if you get what you want from it, and if you put in the work. You are about bringing change to this world so I have a quote for you. 'The progress of the world will call for the best that all of us have to give.' That was said by Mary McLeod Bethune. The more you grow and become the best version of yourself, the better you are for those you seek to help. I'ma leave that with you."

wandered the Chanel store, in search for gifts, while I sat upon a bench waiting. Our day had been filled with gift shopping and I'd quickly checked off my pick-up list. The people I'd chosen to gift this year weren't difficult to please, therefore, I didn't need to shop over a course of weeks. A couple days was enough to get it all done.

The narrative wasn't the same for them. Majority of their trouble was finding the right item for their women. Chazmon had us travel to two other malls to find a purse that Brit was supposedly in love with. Pete was right behind him to find a specific pair of sandals for Morgan and a beret for Eliana. It was ridiculousness.

"Y'all have five minutes before I call an Uber." I checked the time on my watch.

"Dawg where is your patience?" Chad frowned.

"Patience? We've been shopping all day. I feel like I'm shopping with a pair of women with how long y'all are taking. If it's not here, it's not here."

"Meaning we have to find an alternative that's just as good. Get up and find something else for your mama or something."

"Nah, she has everything she needs. But what I need for y'all two niggas to do is hurry up."

"Come help then. You have an eye for fashion." Pete waved me over. "Which pair of sandals you think suits Morgan. I think these look like her."

"Those too." I pointed to a pair further down. "Get them both."

After helping Pete make his decision, I assumed Chad would be quick but I was mistaken. He somehow found out the color on Chanel bags transfer and opted out for another store. Thanks to an employee, he was able to find a beautiful Givenchy bag that he felt suited her well.

"I've been meaning to ask you, but how have you been feeling about being back at the clubhouse?" Chazmon glanced over at me from the passenger seat.